Emotional problems

[MilenaS]

I have changeable emotional states. A lot of contradictions within me. For example, I have an impulse, strong need to do something, and when I start doing it I very soon become bored by it. It is most often present when I do one of my routines, e.g. playing the piano.

For some reason I became allergic to routines. And I experience a lot of fear because of that need to break routines. I imagine that if I stopped doing the same things every day, I would lose control, and wouldn't be secure (mostly financially. In the future as currently I am a student). I have this abstract need to leave the whole day unpredictable but when I cease to do one of my routines I am in fear and new things aren't more fulfilling. The next day I drop into routines and I am even satisfied with them. 

The situation became more intense after my recent break up. I had opposites within me toward my partner - I needed to be close, then I would push him away. Right before my decision to break up, I had a strong intuition that I cannot be with him because if I was, something wrong on the spiritual level would happen to the whole world. I cannot explain it. It was such a strong intuition and I connected it to my inner guidance. But when I broke up, I immediately started to question this guidance, I started to have the opposite feeling, I had a strong regret, I wanted to go back to him.

What is most difficult, and what connects the break up and my allergy to routine is the feeling of being unable to change anything about my situation. I feel as if I didn't have any control over my behavior. As if I literally couldn't make a change in what is happening in the present moment. Like, I theoretically could but I feel this is an illusion. Other times I feel that although I theoretically could take initiative, that initiative would be somehow unethical. I interpret the ways in which I would respond as something that should be omitted. This abstention pattern is a source of trauma for me. I have a feeling of fear because every day my ex is more distant from me, and I have this thought that I could stop this process and get him back. I don't do this, though, and it makes me feel freexed, passive. I feel that I'm letting go of sth that I do not want to let go. I don't understand why I don't do anything. In the same time, I feel that I do not have pure motivation to go back, and that going back is not good.

 

I'm sorry for the scatteredbrain nature of this post, but I needed to just pour it out of myself.

If you have any reflections or describtion that could help me symbolize my experience, I would be grateful.

[PurpleTree]

I also have many contradictions within me and i feel many of us have that and are walking contradictions, many aren't aware that they are though

And i'm really interested in something and then often lose interest.

Maybe it's add/adhd maybe it's whatever, a dopamine issue or something

can't really help you with your ex-bf issue

[Preety_India]

Practice self awareness. Do journaling. Work on impulse control and dopamine addiction. 

 

[flowboy]

12 hours ago, MilenaS said:

I have changeable emotional states. A lot of contradictions within me. For example, I have an impulse, strong need to do something, and when I start doing it I very soon become bored by it. It is most often present when I do one of my routines, e.g. playing the piano.

For some reason I became allergic to routines. And I experience a lot of fear because of that need to break routines. I imagine that if I stopped doing the same things every day, I would lose control, and wouldn't be secure (mostly financially. In the future as currently I am a student). I have this abstract need to leave the whole day unpredictable but when I cease to do one of my routines I am in fear and new things aren't more fulfilling. The next day I drop into routines and I am even satisfied with them. 

The situation became more intense after my recent break up. I had opposites within me toward my partner - I needed to be close, then I would push him away. Right before my decision to break up, I had a strong intuition that I cannot be with him because if I was, something wrong on the spiritual level would happen to the whole world. I cannot explain it. It was such a strong intuition and I connected it to my inner guidance. But when I broke up, I immediately started to question this guidance, I started to have the opposite feeling, I had a strong regret, I wanted to go back to him.

What is most difficult, and what connects the break up and my allergy to routine is the feeling of being unable to change anything about my situation. I feel as if I didn't have any control over my behavior. As if I literally couldn't make a change in what is happening in the present moment. Like, I theoretically could but I feel this is an illusion. Other times I feel that although I theoretically could take initiative, that initiative would be somehow unethical. I interpret the ways in which I would respond as something that should be omitted. This abstention pattern is a source of trauma for me. I have a feeling of fear because every day my ex is more distant from me, and I have this thought that I could stop this process and get him back. I don't do this, though, and it makes me feel freexed, passive. I feel that I'm letting go of sth that I do not want to let go. I don't understand why I don't do anything. In the same time, I feel that I do not have pure motivation to go back, and that going back is not good.

 

I'm sorry for the scatteredbrain nature of this post, but I needed to just pour it out of myself.

If you have any reflections or describtion that could help me symbolize my experience, I would be grateful.

@MilenaS See what I did there?

How many different "I"s do you have?

Your confusion is because of the assumption that you should be one person all the time.

Actually, everyone has different subpersonalities that want different things.

First step is to become aware of them: how many are there, what are their different needs and wants?