Ego backlash from pickup?

[spiritual memes]

I've generally been quite shy, awkward and terrible with the opposite sex for my entire life (Im 22). I have almost no experience with sex and dating and I was extremely determined to improve myself in this area. I've been working on pickup and developing my confidence for a few months and I became much more confident, and relaxed and sociable. I started approaching and recently i made out with a girl for the first time in ages.

When it happened I was suddenly aware of my victim mindset and limiting beliefs i had been identifying with in my mind and how they were illusory and I knew I had to let it go. Im guessing this was very threatening to my ego so immediately after that happened, I experienced the worst ego backlash ever.  I immediately felt a deep primal force pulling me back to my default state. I felt a strong aversion to doing any more approaches, and my social skills greatly diminished. The ego backlash was so intense. I was getting physical symptoms like feeling feverish and tired all the time. I ended up getting really depressed and backsliding to square 1. I'm back to being the shy, awkward, depressed virgin that i've always been and its super frustrating because I was making so much progress. I didn't realise ego backlash even applied to pickup.

What am I supposed to do now?

[Farnaby]

Hi! Sorry to hear you are in pain.

Self-improvement only goes so far, because it is based on the idea that there's something wrong with you that you need to fix (i.e your shyness or awkwardness). So, essentially, when we try to improve ourselves, we are trying to become a more socially acceptable person, which isn't necessarily aligned with our true authenticity. That's why we always relapse and have backlashes. And also because your nervous system is used to the shy version of yourself but not the other one, so the new version will feel unpredictable and unsafe.

This is why I don't like pick up, because it is too easy to fall into the trap of rejecting yourself whenever you aren't being the outgoing, extroverted person who attracts many women. 

Instead of this, I would encourage you to consider learning to accept the parts of yourself that you are trying to fix, a.k.a self-love. I know this is really hard and goes against mainstream advice, but by learning to love those parts, they will keep developing into a unique expression of yourself instead of showing up as shadow aspects that limit your life. 

The parts of yourself that you are trying to get rid of/fix hold the seeds of your uniqueness as an individual. 

I hope this helps  

[Harlen Kelly]

@spiritual memes Do 10-20 minutes of daily visualization. Thank me later!