Expressing my recent realizations after some painful days

[Nadosa]

My awakening started 2017.

I always defined myself through my head and was an overthinker. My childhood wasnt bad, though some manipulations by my brother and some family events lead to a fairly low self-esteem.

The first half of that year (2017), stress bottled up and I got severely derealized and depersonalized.

Through sport and kind of thinking myself "inside the now", I overcame the debilitating symptoms and panic attacks. Till that point I rarely meditated. I didnt know what it was, nor havent I had any spiritual understanding whatsoever.

3 months later something happened.

Whatever it was, it was a shift. I could no longer identify myself through my mind, like I was directly turned into my true nature, thoughts were believed aka "I really died".

I switched through phases of seperate self believing I really died that day of the shift, discordant thoughts and true nature that could see through all this. I kept myself sane through: "if I was really dead, I wouldnt be experiencing all this." I just KNEW and FELT WHO "I" was. But I couldnt fight the seperate self with reasoning.

I headed to the psych ward trying to put it into words: "I dont know, a part of me died, it makes no sense that Im here anymore, why is this happening", I left because I felt like no one would understand either way. 

I've never felt suicidal though. Feeling aligned with the now washed it all away. In these moments I told myself: "Never ever will I do this, Im feeling this peace, its here, Im fine."

So many questions based on a false sense of self. 

I talked to a therapist, telling him "it feels like I shouldnt be here anymore", it wasnt ME saying that, it was based on a belief and a misunderstanding.

4 years later and reading through all my forum threads saying "that I died 4 years ago", in this moment I can say: nothing died. My false sense of self died. And I didnt know what happened. It was a great misunderstanding.

Now all emotions come up, cleaning up, my body is shaking, because I believed all this nonsense. I feel tears, sorrow come up, guilt and shame for putting people and myself through this.

I never had a teacher or someone that understood what I was going through.

This false sense of self has manifested in various forms in my body through immense suffering, bottled up emotions, and nevertheless the delusion "that I died" that was never seen through and just believed. 

I also believed this "false sense of self" was connected to my body, and hence that "I" died, "I" couldnt concentrate on my breath, because this body "is just a part of this delusion."

Beliefs have so much power. As leo said, they block consciousness in a way. Yep. They do. And they kept me in a space of total utter detached seperateness. 

The last days were tough. I was so deeply caught up in the false sense of self that I thought I'd be a special case of psychological illness and there will never be a cure for my illness of me believing "I died". Suffering was so intense that I could barely work and sleep. 

Currently I am seeing through, I feel like a deep part of me is laid to rest, a puzzle piece lining up. Though living with kind of two "identities" was crazy painful to an extent which cant be put into words, extremely traumatizing too. Im crying reading the threads knowing what suffering I've gone through because just of a misunderstanding and not knowing what happened. 

I googled psychosis, schizophrenia, some unknown illness, never found anything satisfying or relaxing whatsoever, because I've never experienced hallucinations, visions, hearing voices.

Thoughts were believed, but only because it was believed that "something is wrong" with me. When I am/was in that state, nothing could connect to me, not the breath, not any kind of emotion. This sense of "second reality" which was based on false belief was surpressed and never faced eye to eye, I just panicked as soon as it popped up in my consciousness when I was meditating. 

Members of this forum washed my head several times: 

"Everyone else on the path is letting go of beliefs about identity. 

 

You’re actually trying to construct an identity, from a a past experience, which you yourself didn’t like. 

 

Again, this is very simple. 

 

You believe you’re experiencing pain. You’re not. You’re experiencing suffering. 

 

The story doesn’t make sense. 

 

Let it go. Move on."

I can agree.

I am currently in a safe space but it has left deep scars inside of me, I feel slightly detached and depersonalized from my body.

Special thanks to @Nahm for connecting me to my emotions during my darkest days lately.

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

? Much love. 

[Nadosa]

Someone can say it was like a bad trip without knowing it was one and keep living the delusion. 

I hope I can get back somehow and integrate these years into Truth. Because it feels so surreal, like a death, like waking up to my higher Spirit.