Finally Treating 10 Year Depression, Left My Loving Girlfriend, Feeling Excited, But Also Fearful, Help Me

[ClearThought]

Hi there.

I was in a relationship for 5 years with a very loving and a very nice girl who wanted to start a family with me.

But I never felt true, visceral love for her. I never wanted a family or children. I wanted to remain free in my world.

I loved her as a person, but never felt true lust for her (like she did for me). I rationalised that it was because I was addicted to porn, because I was not capable of feeling "true love", because of my mental state, because this and that. But I think all of that was just weaselling out of the truth.

I went into our relationship out of the desperation I had due to my depression and low self worth, low self-esteem. She was my first girl and I Just wanted to lose my virginity at first, then I sort of clinged on to her, but she clinged on to me much, much stronger. She actually fell deeply in love with me.

In the last month I realised I cannot keep fooling her and myself anymore, started getting extreme panic attacks when thinking of our future, when thinking of marriage. I even had some suicidal thoughts (I had these even before I met her, so there is history of mental problems), so I went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed a prolonged depression, I was prescribed anti depressants.

They started to kick in recently, I started to feel better, I actually started feeling happy waking up in the mornings (I hadn't felt this for a long time). But I still got very emotional (crying) when speaking to my girlfriend about our relationship. I realised I got so emotional, because I knew my feelings are not really true and I might be fooling her, despite everything looking so perfect on the paper (everyone saying how beautiful and great we look together, etc...).

So I often told her that all will be ok, that I will get better, we will see each other again and so on. Finally, after I couldn't take it anymore emotionally, we were both crying on the phone, I just told her I cannot torture her like this anymore, that I know I will hurt her in the future and we have to cut contact and that I have to make this decision, because she never will.

She said she will be waiting for me once I get better if I still want to be with her, that she is too tired to keep trying, etc...

We both did a lot of good for each other during this relationship, but in the end I started it out of depression, loneliness and low self esteem instead of true love. So I mustered up the courage to end it in such a soft way only after 5 years.

Now, 3 days that I have cut off all contact with her...I feel really good waking up in the mornings (maybe it is just drugs, but still). I immediately focus on my work, enjoy my free time and feeling of being alone and without responsibilities, I actually feel somewhat good, at some moments I want to sing from how good I feel.

Yet at times I still get this small part of me saying: "She was perfect, it was just your depression problem, the relationship could have worked out perfectly. Don't leave her like this, don't ruin a good thing, you won't find another person who will love you like this, you won't find another person as kind as this."

Basically I hear my fear speaking. I don't get emotional, I don't start crying, but do I get a disturbance in my feelings. I just try to accept these feelings, let them go through as instructed in the video, I remember all the times I felt bad in our relationship, I remember the times when I went to bed crying, knowing that I am fooling us both, that I'm trying to make something work that cannot work.

My question is - how do I get rid of this fear of not being able to find another person who will love me so much, who will give me all these good little feelings of being needed?

Maybe a truly actualised person does not even need to feel these things as he or she feels enough self worth as it is?

I realise I mostly miss my girlfriend as a person I loved, but not as a woman I loved. I understand that a relationship cannot form on basis of such love.

What do you think about my case? Did I do the right thing?

How do I silence the little voice in my head that is nagging me and telling me what a bad person I am for doing this?

TL:DR: Was depressed for 10 years. 5 of those years I spent in a relationship with my first girl. She was great and loved me tons. She wanted a family. I think I did not truly love her as I should have, did not want a family, cut off contact with her softly a few days before, feeling better, but also feeling guilty and sad at times as I'm treating my 10 year depression with anti-depressants and shrink visits.

[Guest Annetta]

Awww, I'm sorry you're feeling guilty dude!  I think you did the right thing.  She'll be okay.  Most romantic relationships aren't permanent.  If you didn't feel it, you didn't feel it, it's not your fault and there's nothing to feel bad about.  You tried.  Sounds like you went above and beyond to take this person's feelings into account.  You did good.  :3

11 hours ago, ClearThought said:

My question is - how do I get rid of this fear of not being able to find another person who will love me so much, who will give me all these good little feelings of being needed?

Maybe a truly actualised person does not even need to feel these things as he or she feels enough self worth as it is?

Well, I guess you could work on your self worth and go from there.
If you still have feelings of wanting to be needed that might just be who you are, nothing wrong with that. <3

[Shin]

18 hours ago, ClearThought said:

 

My question is - how do I get rid of this fear of not being able to find another person who will love me so much, who will give me all these good little feelings of being needed?

How do I silence the little voice in my head that is nagging me and telling me what a bad person I am for doing this?

 

Start meditating 20 minutes per day (increase by 5 minutes every month), and don't skip days, make it your priority.

Simply sit on a chair, the back and the head straight, let your eyes open, and simply focus on your breath (try to notice it more than feeling it).

(Use your phone alarm, like that you won't have to look how much time has passed).

Thoughts will come up every now and then, perhaps almost all the time the first weeks, that's ok, just focus again on your breath, whenever you can, and continue your session.

At some point, you will be able to detach from your thoughts, you will still have them, but you won't see them as defining you anymore

You will see them from an another perspective, and you will attach fewer importance on them.

You need to do this all your life if you want to keep sanity, 99% of people aren't sane at all,

They never take time to just BE.

 

Don't start guided meditation, because you'll have a hard time meditating by yourself after that, use them after some months of meditation to discover new techniques, but not now.

 

You can also do some spiritual retreat near where you live (if money isn't a problem), search for a zen dojo/monastery, search on meetup.com, and just see if there is a buddhist community on Facebook in your city (or the main city of your state).

I'm talking about zen and buddhism because it is what you'll most likely find, but if there is something else, just ask the forum if the kind of retreat you found can be effective or not.

A retreat will speed up your consciousness growth extremely fast, it is like doing 15 to 500 meditation sessions in a row.

 

A higher consciousness level isn't just for feeling peaceful and happy, it will also makes you understand what you really want in life,

Because what awareness do in the long run, is to break a lot of your limiting beliefs, you'll just see them for what they are, thoughts, and your true self will start to speak to you more and more, through your intuition.

 

What is also important is being mindfull of your thoughts during the day, all the time, just by looking at them, not judging them.

Maybe you won't be able to do that for now, but try whenever you can think of it.

It is as much effective as meditation, even more effective if you do it all the time.

 

Quote

Maybe a truly actualised person does not even need to feel these things as he or she feels enough self worth as it is?

Yes, you wouldn't have these feelings, maybe you wouldn't even want a relationship anymore, who knows,

 

Quote

I realise I mostly miss my girlfriend as a person I loved, but not as a woman I loved. I understand that a relationship cannot form on basis of such love.

What do you think about my case? Did I do the right thing?

Yes totally, now you have all the time you need to grow yourself and become whatever you authentically want to be.

Don't search a relationship until you are that person.

 

Quote

 

TL:DR: Was depressed for 10 years. 5 of those years I spent in a relationship with my first girl. She was great and loved me tons. She wanted a family. I think I did not truly love her as I should have, did not want a family, cut off contact with her softly a few days before, feeling better, but also feeling guilty and sad at times as I'm treating my 10 year depression with anti-depressants and shrink visits.

Maybe you are sad now, but this is the best thing that ever happened to you, just wait and see

Edited December 24, 2016 by Shin

[ClearThought]

Thank you guys, you are great! I will look into meditation.

[Shin]

Read this:

http://liveanddare.com/benefits-of-meditation/

 

EDIT: Yoga counts as meditation.

Edited December 24, 2016 by Shin

[Guest Nazar]

Hey, maybe my words will give you something to consider. I met a girl online in my depression, that initially I didn't care much for but i stuck around with her because it gave me something to do and someone to share my struggle with, plus she thought i was cute. So as our conversations prolonged she began to fall in love with me while at the same time she suggested that if she wasn't the one for me that she would still very much like to be my friend and continue our fellowship. I did conjure some feelings for her because she was very sweet and caring toward me but still in the back of my mind she was not the girl i wanted. I was almost pretending. I had my "visions" of how i wanted to live and with whom. I had, over the years, created an ideal woman in my mind and she did not match the description, at least not completely. So our conversations went on and my feelings and respect for her grew and i thought that i could actually have a really strong and good relationship with this girl, at times i even felt that i wanted to marry her. But then my dream life fantasies would arise,when i felt mentally stable, and i would suffer thinking "what have I done, this isn't the girl I want?", and I would become miserable wishing i had never spoken with her. I was vexed in spirit, severed. She was a really amazing girl and i felt she had strong genuine love from me, the kind that won't fail. This confusion and internal conflict went on for a while, and so I was crazy, divided between true love and an imagination, dream, illusion of the mind. I meditated and prayed deeply on this and a series of things helped me to find the right way. I realized that i was about to trade in true love, which is a very rare thing my friends, for a lie that was so excellent that it seemed right. Whats interesting is that as I would break out of this selfish ambition for "only the best"(perfectionism), I saw her with a clear mind and a decisive mind that said "Yes, this is the girl I want to be with despite some of her imperfections!" She was perfect for me this whole time, I became very attracted to her with this new mind and understanding, and was actually able to create strong visceral love for her that initial was not there. Visceral love can be created and will arise if you set yourself right. At times I became fearful and neurotic about the fact that something inside of me was actually trying to distract me and steal from me what was very good and valuable to me. yes my crazy mind was trying to destroy what God said is very good, but i'm free from its insanity now, I crucified myself so I can love and enjoy her in all of her beauty and goodness. My purpose with her is to express the love of Christ, to give my life to her so she can be happy, I believe she deserves it. All this time I really did love her but I was just to blinded by selfishness to see, but now I see and I love her. : )

[ClearThought]

In his video on ending relationships Leo says that the most important thing is NOT TO GET BACK WITH EX. 

He says it is extremely important.

He is also true in saying that relationships don't break up without a reason.

There was an underlying reason for me breaking up. All of these years I was negative, I wasn't happy, I was attributing negativity to her. I thought I'm unhappy because I'm with her. This might have been or might have not been the case, but either way I feel more at peace now. Might just be the drugs speaking, although I'm on very low doses.

I'm starting a bit of meditation as well.

Even though I get periods of weakness,  I realise I still don't want to go through the suffering I went through for all these years. All the fake acting, pretending to be another person, putting on a show, fake words, fake affection, all of it was not real from my side.

This is probably my sub-conscious telling me I can and must do better or the feeling of a man - that I can't settle for the first girl.

I tried a lot of things to make it work, I just got exhausted by all of it.

Now I am mostly ridden by guilt and fear of being alone, of not finding someone as "good". Although it could not have been "good" for me, it could not have been the right person for me if I felt so bad. Jealousy and clinginess in some weird psychological way was also a problem for me. I have to be satisfied in my own body to enjoy new relationships which aren't based on fear of being alone or some desperate clinginess for feelings of "love". I felt like I needed her for boost in my self esteem, because I wasn't fully confident in myself.

I think I would have felt bigger guilt if I had stayed with her and given her fake promises or went into marriage against my will. I feel like I would have only hurt her down the road.

It is all very confusing. I guess time will heal everything.

[Guest Nazar]

well I'm certain that with persistent self observation and analysis of your mind will reveal the very root of your suffering. I've learned from many good men, and my own self, that its desire. examine your desires, because you are right, it could have been good for you but because there is a contrary desire in you you could not make it good but suffered from vexation. And the root of desire is or are thoughts, ideas, but these can be changed. Its up to you how you will mold your life by the decisions you make, by the thoughts and ideas that you choose to harbor, and this is what makes life so amazing that we can actively create who we want to be and how we want to live to a degree of course. I would encourage you to transform your mind and commit to a marriage with this woman if she indeed is as wonderful as you described. Marriage is a noble thing because it requires strength and sacrifice, selfless love, a good spirit and serious dedication. But it would require you to transform the way you think and that would take some work, a good purpose, and some motivation. She loves you after all. I know that you would stay with her if it wasn't for this contrary desire in you, which can be removed or replaced to allow you to naturally want to remain in a relationship with her. I personally would like to hear that you made this relationship thrive, I mean truly, love is an amazing thing. Just curious, would you be able to define very clearly and specifically the exact reason you desire not to be with her?? have you pinpointed it? it would be interesting to hear. thanks.

[ClearThought]

I think the exact reason is because I loved her as a human, not as a woman. I never felt true lust for her on an animalistic level. I think that is a big problem long term. I stuck with her out of self-esteem issues, depression and desperation, not being confident in myself and needing a crutch. And then I got addicted to the attention and love she gave me. Once I realised this, I realised that the relationship was not built on a solid foundation, but on me as a broken human being.

[ajasatya]

@ClearThought sincerity is my fuel and your words made my engine skyrocket. you truly touched my heart and now i'd like to reciprocate, so i am going straight to your main difficulty.

we, human beings, keep searching for fulfillment everywhere. and when we find some safety confirmed by the society, we usually get attached to that context. it can be money, power, bodily perfectionism or even a love story, among many other options.

you, though, have fallen into a situation of prestige. you've gone to that place from which there's no other way out than stopping everything and finding your own very truth. this is a special moment throughout the human experience.

the fear of not finding another beloved person comes from ignorance, just like any other fear that emerges from situations that don't involve your survival possibilities (there's nothing wrong with the fear of losing a hand, for instance). but you have to go very very deep in yourself and find self love so you can drop the attachment to external love, social approval and confirmations. this is the time to learn how to stand on your own feet and appreciate the possibilities of being a living human being.

i'd like to point to an audio recorded from an adyashanti's satsang in which he's also pointing to this inner belonging within yourself, which can heal tremendous wounds. feel free to watch other videos from his youtube account. they're all awesome.

soon enough you should be thanking to all this suffering you're going through right now, as i myself am grateful for my past moments of breakdown and truth confrontation.

wish you the best.

Edited January 3, 2017 by ajasatya