My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

How long before I get a heart attack? 

 

 

Because I have been through so much stress lately as a result of my family problems. 

It wasn't long ago when I felt suicidal. 

 

Get your act together before you become responsible for someone's death 

 

Literally...... 

[Preety_India]

This journal is meant for my personal feelings and to get my heart out. 

I don't like to bottle up things. 

I vent it out. 

As much as I can. 

Not fair to judge me. Judge yourself before you dare to judge others. 

 

You don't know me to have the right to judge me. 

 

Read the Bible. God promise. Your karma will come. 

 

Read Matthew Chapter 7, verses 1 —> 5

 

1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

 

People who judge me will meet the same fate they decided to put me through. Karma works and Karma will come like the knell of a bell. 

 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

It's completely fair for me to react defensively if someone attacks me.. If you can't handle it, then don't dish it out. 

I bite back if someone bites me.. Im not wrong. I have always operated in survival mode.. Come at me and I'll come at you. 

Why should I not stand up for myself? 

Don't I have feelings? 

Am I not a human being? 

I have the same right to live as all others. 

Who are you to tell me how I should live or what I should do with my time or with my goddamn life???? 

If you feel my hate, then that's because you showed me hate as well. I'm just a human being not a Saint. If I'm shown hate, here's my teeth for you. 

I'm going to hiss right back at you if you come at me. Call me whatever but it's my birth right. 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

(writing a long post for those who constantly misunderstand me). 

I'm an enigma. I am in no way simple. I am aware of this. At the same time what I am is really a product of my parenting, my genetics and my awful circumstances. As well as my own unique personality that grew from my base character. I'm no Saint neither I'm a sinner. 

Don't call me good or bad. I am a mirror. I only show you what you show to me, nothing more, nothing less. So how I react to your words is a good indicator of how you acted with me. I have zero agenda and I find no reason to please anyone. I don't need your love. Because nobody can love me truly if they never understood me. 

 

 

I'm ferocious, I'm fierce, I'm strong, I'm brave, I'm guilt - free. I fucking did nothing wrong in my life. 

I'M WILD. I'M FERAL. 

 

I have my own set of beliefs and principles and I'm ready to die to defend them. I lived in survival mode all my childhood despite my vicious bullying and abuse I suffered. It was terrible. 

I live in a stage Red environment. I adopted stage Green values but I also inherited stage Red ferocity. I learned that in order to survive I'll need to fight hard and harder. 

I'm a fighter and a survivor. 

I have the blood of a tiger, a panther, a lion, a wolf and an Elephant all mixed together. 

I'm agile as a panther, I will see through your shit before you test me. My intuition is sharp. I learned as a child for my survival. 

Don't mistake me for a fool. I know you before you know me. I have a sixth sense. You measure me, I'm secretly testing you before you know it. I'm 2 steps ahead of you in this survival game, I have to. Everything is survival to me. 

Don't ever underestimate my power. My sixth sense is running even in sleep. You just can't outsmart me. I'll know you before you even approach. I smell people like a shark. I'm ferocious. I am watching you even if you don't see me watching you. 

 

Don't play games with my head. 

Basically don't fuck with me. Because I'll figure it out. My karma is strong. You are barking up the wrong tree if you decide to play with my head. Like Joseph(my ex) did. 

I'm like a volatile liquid. You burn your own fingers if you have me in your hands. 

 

 

 

I'm ferocious as a tiger, don't bother provoking me or you get my roar. 

I have the spirit of Laxmi. So I'm caring. But I also have the spirit of Kali. I'm equally ferocious and dangerous. I am traumatized and wounded. Beware of a traumatized tiger. 

You ain't fucking going to teach me anything that I don't already know. 

 

 

I'm calm as a lion. Won't do shit to you if you just let me go about with my business. I'm royally calm when nobody bothers me. Just chilling like a king. Won't hurt  a fly. Don't even pretend like you are getting on my nerves. 

I don't give a fuck what others are doing. My life is too big to care about others. I have to constantly deal with shit. I don't have the luxury to think too much about others. Stay the fuck out. 

Don't piss me when I'm calm. I don't take it gently. 

 

 

I'm clever and protective as a wolf. I stand guard near my loved ones. They are in my heart and I'm fiercely loyal. 

I'll pay with my life If need arises. I'm humble and protective as a dog of those who I love. I suffer guilt if I can't help those who deserve lt. 

 

 

And I'm territorial like an elephant. I'll whoop your ass if you put even one step in my territory. No trespassing. No fooling me. No testing my patience. Or my trunk knows how to smash 

I walk like an elephant. I'm a gentle giant. I walk free. I walk with pride. I have a clear conscience. Done nothing wrong to anyone in my life. I have helped everyone close to me. So don't dare to teach me compassion. I know enough about compassion. I have done more than my share to people, sometimes regretted being sweet. 

I'm defensive like an elephant. Don't abuse me if you don't want me to act insane. I have remained silent amid a lot of provocation. I don't provoke anything. I keep to myself mostly. Those who judge me should use a mirror. I have consciously tried to stay away from drama. 

You can't provoke someone and expect them to not react. Easy to preach me. Don't expect me to lie down and take your judgement. You can only judge me negatively if we have a strong bond of trust where you communicate with me regularly like a close loyal friend, only then I'm susceptible to your advice and criticism, not otherwise because I don't trust easily. 

Elephants are close to my heart. They teach me to be strong and defensive. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are chilling with me and generally nice to me, you'll see a nicer friendlier side of me. I can be pretty friendly and cute depending on how you treat me. I don't expect much. Just simple friendliness is enough for me to start flapping my ears in unison. 

 

 

If you show me authenticity, zero agenda and true affection, love and loyalty, I can be very loving,sweet and Affectionate like a cuddly bear. I can be extremely gentle, playful and loving. 

 

 

 

AND LASTLY I'M NOT PERFECT. IF YOU CAN'T EMBRACE MY FLAWS, YOU CAN'T TRULY LOVE ME. 

DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE PERFECT BECAUSE I WON'T EVER BE. I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS. 

 

 

And one more. If you are fucking with me, you're fucking with the wrong person. I'm a psychopath. 

 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I love you. Feels like a relief. 

 

[Preety_India]

I was thinking about so many different things. 

 

[Preety_India]

It's funny how people assume that they have the right to attack others but  when you defend and fight back  they suddenly see a problem.. 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

I like ancient Hindu  Radha pics 

 

Got this from the internet. Nice sketch that I found on some website. I like how the lips are red

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Go find some better job to do, since you are so talented, instead of psychoanalyzing some random woman on a forum. 

 

 

Omg I remember these words from years ago. 

Deja Vu moment. 

 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Such a gentle giant

https://youtube.com/shorts/kOI-pqtWZ34?feature=share

[Preety_India]

I'm upset, mad and angry 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I wish to go back to my routine.. 

[Preety_India]

 

I yelled at my mother. Once again 

I don't like her abusing me. She always breaks my boundaries. 

I slept off on the couch in the living room and she entered my room while I was asleep and threw away two large bottles that I kept for storing water.

She broke my boundaries

I had told her multiple times to never enter my room. It triggers my privacy needs. I feel violated

She broke my trust again

Sneakily entering my room while I'm asleep is breaking my trust. She always breaks my trust. She has no right to do this

She tries to control every aspect of my life

I fucking hate her

I lashed out at her

I was a sweet girl. She turned me into a hyper defensive person. Fucking psycho bitch who tried to ruin my life. 

My room is my room and privacy. She should knock and come inside only with my permission and not otherwise. 

She always breaks my boundaries like it's nothing. I need respect. I'm not her slave

One day she threw out my sweater without asking me and it was my favorite sweater

I'm an adult. She should stop treating me like a kid

She doesn't respect me and when I feel hurt I lash out, then she is surprised. She is fucking bipolar. Like a bully

There was no need for her to sneak into my room. She takes advantage of my weaknesses. Whenever I feel weak, she will start controlling me. It always feels like I'm living in a war zone. Her happiness is fake. She plays games with my head. I don't like her fake love. If she truly loved me she would have respected me. 

She wouldn't do exactly what triggers me. She does exactly what triggers me and then pretends like nothing happened. And when I get angry she calls me mentally ill. 

Who is mentally ill?

A person who triggers despite being told or the triggered?. 

She is an obsessed psycho. 

If I told her to not add salt or butter in cooking, she will deliberately add more butter. If I'm allergic to something, she will deliberately and purposely use that. It's like if you kept a cat and the cat doesn't like the smell of perfume and you are deliberately spraying the perfume near the cat or if the cat is getting diarrhea by eating popcorn, you are deliberately feeding the cat popcorn.

Isn't this behavior abusive?

She does this. But she maintains a happy cheerful image in public. She tries to make herself look like a fun loving excited person in public. 

So people usually assume that she is good at heart. But she is abusive. Stuff that people don't see. 

She will purposely break my trust and boundaries and then act like a child and say "what did I do wrong, I didn't do anything."

It's almost like a child who steals candies from a jar and then you ask the kid because you saw him doing it, he will be like - "I didn't do anything."

But you know the kid is lying. It's sociopath behavior. She is that way. 

I never see her sad or crying. She doesn't feel remorse. She is always like an excited kid. Even the day my father died, she did not cry. 

I get upset by her lack of empathy and compassion. 

She always talks about money and work all day. 

There is no place for human dignity or emotions with her. That doesn't matter to her. 

She used to watch TV if my father was crying in pain. 

Fucking abusive sociopath. 

I always have to impress her like a slave.

Or else she starts playing more abusive games. 

The only place where I feel safe is my room. 

Yea she is like a possessive obsessed hyper excited immature kid. And she thinks it's cool. Those are all signs of bipolar. 

Fucking abusive bipolar bitch who is obsessed with my life. 

 

 

 

 

 

The only thing that hurts the most is that she is my mom. 

 

 If I ever have a child I'll never allow my child to go through what my mom put me through. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Anger management 

 

My PTSD causes me to fly into rages because I feel betrayed and I can't trust anyone. 

 

One thing that I need to learn is to   de-escalate a situation where someone is trying to provoke me by insulting my character or personality. 

Instead of angrily reacting to it the way I usually do, I can simply write one word and end it right there. 

 

Just one word. 

I don't like character and personality attacks. It resurfaces my trauma because that's what my mom's favorite hobby was. She used to constantly attack my character, self worth and personality like some mean school girl literally. Growing up she treated me less like a daughter and more like a rival. 

I hate that shit. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Anyway I just need to focus on whatever lies ahead. 

Sometimes I feel like venting about my mother and her awful behavior. 

 

And I'll gradually blossom into a more calmer person hopefully 

 

I wish society would raise more awareness about trauma and how it impacts your personality. 

Most people are ignorant about trauma. 

Doctors and psychiatrists hardly talk about this publicly. They treat it as taboo. 

 

[Preety_India]

Why should anything or everything revolve around me? 

I can't wrap my head around it when people have such a great deal of curiosity about me.. 

Do you ever let your curiosity rest? 

 

[Preety_India]

Don't come around and compliment me in my journal. 

 

[Preety_India]

Once I feel like you're misunderstanding me, the trust is gone. 

If the trust is gone, then don't come around trying to advise me because I won't see it as coming from a good faith place. 

If you really have good intent, then why would there be trust issues in the first place????? 

 

[Preety_India]

Don't show signs of misunderstanding me because then there is no harmony and simply clashing of perspectives. 

If you want harmony then you should develop trust 

If not then fuck off.

 

When you attack me, it's a good indicator of your own character. 

I mean there is no risk to your reputation if you pounce on me. 

 

 

 

Edited December 9, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I'm not asking for compliments. In fact compliments are a sneaky way to gain trust. 

What I'm saying is try to be as fair and non judgemental as possible since you really don't know me. So if you can't like or accept me then the best policy is to stay out of my zone, the lack of trust is only going to make matters worse.

If you ask you for a fair assessment of me, then give it, not otherwise. 

If you are giving me unsolicited advice on my character, that's not welcome because it doesn't come from a good faith place. It's only meant to tarnish me. At least that's how I'm going to take it. 

Whatever you say or think of me is mere judgement and projection. 

Not to mention that I smell hypocrisy, double standards, mind games, social games, and (an effort to malign me), Patronizing condescending tone that I don't appreciate. 

You ain't doing me any favor by telling me my flaws. I'm well aware of my own flaws. No need to constantly dig up my flaws if you're really coming from a good faith place. 

 

Once you break my trust it's done. It's over with. 

I'm getting better at detecting authenticity. 

Another thing about compliments is that it is also offered by people who are trying to make themselves look better or cover their bases before attacking me later. Just a ploy...

 

I have reached a point where I look at people who compliment me with suspicion. Why??? 

Because the people who did the most damage to me in life were people who complimented me the most in life. It's like a rouse. A ploy. I would feel happy receiving compliments (who doesn't), yet I would be betrayed later on. There is something inherently suspicious about people who compliment you. They are like fake friends. Maybe they are trying to lure you in. 

At this point I'll develop cold feet if someone who I'm not friends with excessively compliments me. Nope. Don't want. 

 

If you are going to dangle a biscuit in front of me, only to hit me when I eat it, I don't want it. No thanks. 

The need to seek validation and approval is slowly coming to an end. Its harmful. Don't try to gain social validation because people use it against you. They use it as a weapon. If you don't care about what they think about you, then you are freed from being subjected to the assaults of this weapon. 

The problem lies when you are trying to please someone who is hell bent on trying to hurt you. You feel like you will change their mind and things will get alright but that's a pipedream. It's an illusion and a dangerous one. The more you try to please, the more the person will try to hurt you. You are being foolish in thinking that things will work. Because they simply won't. The more you deal with that person who is holding a vendetta against you, the worse it will get over time and they will attack you or use you even more. Only more harm and damage will result from it. Just walk away from such people and never turn back. If they broke your trust, the accountability is on them. Because they created this. Not you. If they can't handle the shit they create, they have already proved that they are not trustworthy enough to make peace with. 

 

No. I have nothing to do with you anymore. I have understood what you are trying to do but I'm not going to say it openly. I don't want to be a part of what you're doing. Whatever it may be.