My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

So you get where I'm coming from? 

Every time someone says they are honest, I chuckle a bit because I know what they mean when they say that. 

So calling someone ugly is supposed to be honesty? 

Hurting someone is supposed to be honesty? 

Being racist towards black people and making racist jokes and then turning around and saying "I was just saying the truth." how is this supposed to be honesty? 

Time to call out on such bullshit. 

My ex boyfriend Joseph used to do something similar and it used to trigger the hell out of me. 

One day while having a conversation with Joseph he said something like -" you know black people when they come out at night, you can only see their teeth. Just their teeth and white sneakers." I looked angrily at him. Then he changed the topic. 

Joseph is a typical American white dude. 

I used to feel very annoyed with his racist jokes and comments. He would frequently use the N word while referring to black people. Then he realized that it's upsetting me. He gradually stopped but I wasn't taking it too kindly. 

One day Joseph walked into a pharmacy to get his medication and there was a black guy at the counter. 

The black guy asked Joseph for his ID.. Joseph did not have it on him. So the black guy told Joseph that he could not help him in any way. 

Joseph got angry and loudly blurted out — "Fucking Ni***r "(the N word).

The black guy then told Joseph to leave. He left. When he came back home the pharmacy called him and promptly told him that he is no longer allowed there. 

I asked Joseph why can't he just stop being such a racist twat. 

Glad I broke up with that dick head American dude. 

All Americans aren't like this. During my stay in America, I have met some nice people as well who weren't racist at all. 

 

But here and there sometimes you do bump into some racist white folks and you simply have to ignore them because there is not much you can do to change their mindset. 

 

They think they are being upfront and honest but they don't realize it's derogatory. 

I am usually very happy around non racist white folks although there aren't plenty of them. 

 

 

In a multi cultural environment you are inevitably bound to bump into white people one way or another. Sometimes it's a good experience. Sometimes it's a bad experience. You simply go with the flow. 

 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I have to admit that I as an Indian person doesn't know much about race dynamics in America. 

I am not raised or born there. My experience of racism is only based off me as an outsider. I don't have a clue what it's like to be born and raised in America as a non white person. 

It can probably lead to a lot of psycho-cultural mess I assume. Glad I didn't have to be exposed to all that. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm just a simple ordinary average person, a small person living a small insignificant life. Please don't treat me like a celebrity. For some reason people are generally a bit curious about me. 

There is absolutely nothing special about me. There are way better people than me out there, trust me. 

I am just a reserved person who likes to live in peace. 

I am not a people person at all but I inevitably attract people to me and I try to push them away as much as possible. 

I get along with very few people. I don't believe in honesty rather I believe in nobility. 

To me nobility is the highest virtue, not honesty. If you are noble and gentle to someone and you don't cause them any sort of hurt and you learn to simply leave them alone, in my eyes you're a great person. 

In my eyes the greatest compassion you can show to an individual is to simply leave them alone. 

We make matters much worse when we think we can decide things for others. That's my only true principle that I believe in.

 

So even if a noble person were Dishonest, as long as they are gentle and give space and gentleness to others, I respect them and see them higher in virtue and compassion as opposed to any honest person in this world, no matter how honest they might be. The fundamental virtue of existence in my view is survival. 

I will always and forever hold personal liberty as the greatest most important asset an individual is entitled to when they are born in this world and securing and maintaining this is the highest virtue. Anything that harms true personal liberty is a gateway to evil and disaster. This is where narcissism comes into the picture. This is where narcissism plays a role. The world falsely assumes that narcissism is about self obsession or narcissism is about "me me me me" or narcissism is about taking endless selfies or boasting on social media. Well, the devil wants you to think wrong. The world is totally false on narcissism and the devil is too happy that the world is ignorant.. A person who is "me me me" or an attention seeker is not a narcissist even if a psychologist says that to you. 

A true narcissist is a person who takes away your personal freedom. They are people who decide things for you. They micro manage you. They assume power and authority. A narcissist is a person who is dictating your personality to you, who automatically assumes the right to judge you. A narcissist who is trying to moralize you. Because moralizing you gives them an upper hand. A narcissist is a person who is trying to dominate you. Who is deciding your character for you. 

People who judge others are true narcissists. They go after others in an attempt to prove that they are morally superior, they simply can't resist such an opportunity. 

They usually go after someone who has a bad social reputation, who is generally hated or unwanted or disliked, and repeatedly attack that person in an attempt to claim their own moral authority. They act like moral authorities or moral police all the time. They are blind to their own behavior.. 

Wake up and change your mental definition on narcissism. You have been fooled for so long about what narcissism really is. 

Why do they go after someone who is generally disliked? You might ask. The answer is very simple. A person who is generally disliked in a crowd of people is the weakest possible target and a narcissist is a total coward. They will never go after someone who is defended by people in large numbers. Because that's threatening to their own reputation.. But a weak target is easy prey. Go after a person who nobody wants and everyone will jump in to attack, typical bandwagon effect, easy to bully a person that nobody takes a liking for. 

That's why I wrote on my profile in large letters "my name is Preety, you like me or not, I don't care." 

Because I'm well aware of social politics or at least I've become aware. 

People say a lot of bullshit - "show compassion", "show love" a lot of spiritual rubbish... Do they actually practice what they preach? Absolutely not. In fact a spiritual forum is the biggest breeding ground of hypocrites and preachers just like a church is a breeding ground of religious preachers who talk about celibacy and virginity and Purity but engage in deviant sexual behavior behind everyone's backs. 

I have the spirit to speak my mind. I never claim to be honest or good or saintly or "better than others." I simply own all my character flaws. I am who I am and I can't give you any better than this. 

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I speak whatever I speak from my heart. I don't know whether it's right or wrong, true or false, I don't claim anything. I simply speak whatever my heart tells me to. I even said that I'm a psychopath. 

 

People say that they are so compassionate and they constantly talk about love. 

If you're so interested in showing love and compassion, then I ask you very frankly, where is the compassion for me? 

How come there is more compassion for Hitler than there is for me? 

Now what's your answer? 

I was  almost treated like a social outcast because of my defiant attitude.. I was shamed and gaslighted. 

I Was called a nuisance. 

I was called disgusting and annoying. 

Really???? 

So I'm worse than Hitler? 

There is compassion for Hitler and no love for me? 

People love to say mean things to me. 

It hurts me obviously. 

I am not trying to play victim here.. 

Just saying whatever my heart feels.. 

Then when I fight back they call me a rude or nasty person.. 

Yes I'm a bit unsocial. I don't easily fit in.. I can be a bit Blunt and rude. I don't understand exactly how to present something in the most diplomatic, socially tactful and polite manner. Does this make me a bad person? 

I'm not a bad person at all neither am I a good person. I'm simply me, who I am, a full combination of virtues and flaws and I claim nothing above and beyond it. I am a good person at heart, not exactly on the outside. On the outside I'm more like a Cactus. You might feel a bit repelled by my personality and my cactus-like defiance. But I grew up in the fucking desert. Defense is the only way I survived all my childhood. What do you expect from me? I wasn't born on a bed of roses, in a lap of luxury. I was born in harsh conditions where fighting for my survival was my only option. Emotional survival. Physical survival. I operated in survival mode every minute 24/7 all my life and this is my only fate. Why do you judge me so harshly? 

Maybe underneath my harsh tongue, my outer cactus, there is somewhere a sweet loving caring person hidden inside who nobody cared to discover. 

Everyone calls me a narcissist. You're fooled. You don't know shit about narcissism. 

A narcissist doesn't say they are a psychopath. 

A narcissist is the one who is always claiming moral authority. A narcissist thinks they are better than others. 

I always felt I can never be better than others. 

Calling me a narcissist is a huge error in judgement. 

 

 

 

Don't confuse overly sensitive with narcissist.. 

I'm an HSP. I have said this before. 

HSP means highly sensitive person. 

I'm an overly sensible person. 

I have become overly sensitive because of constant bullying from my mother, abuse and trauma. 

Narcissistic parents end up raising overly sensitive children. 

It's like If you have been mercilessly bullied in school about your height, even one comment on height can send you into a mental breakdown.. 

That's what happens to me when I sense any criticism coming my way. I can't handle it because of my overly sensitive nature. 

My childhood bullying means that I just can't handle any kind of criticism even in the slightest, I will simply freak out and get defensive. 

This behavior has nothing to do with ego or narcissism. 

 

It's Just the inner wound that constantly resurfaces with even the slightest form of judgement or negativity. 

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 I'm not a character. I'm a real person behind this computer. Pftt!! 

How dare you call me a character? 

I just tend to mutate a lot. Because I suffer some kind of existential crisis.. I am way too ambitious and I take myself quite seriously. 

This is because I believe in constantly evolving and becoming the next better self. 

I'm too dynamic, ever evolving, interesting unique person 

 

Don't box my unique qualities into a personality or mental disorder. What the hell? Being unique is not mentally ill or personality disordered.. 

Yes I'm a bit different from others.. I have a beautiful unique personality that shaped on its own in the desert of personal solitude. 

You can't capture my essence. I'm mysterious and a bit of a highly imaginative person who loves fantasy and builds fantasy around her life. That's the best I could do in solitude. 

Maybe you feel a bit uncomfortable in being my friend because you can't fix me into a box. Well I can't help it. I'm like liquid. 

I understand that my unstable unique personality can sometimes be perceived as a threat. 

I can't really change who I am. This is how I was born. This is who I am. I just can't be anything or anyone else. 

I am just this. Nothing more nothing less.. 

I have my own world. My own past, my own future. 

I have a chaotic life. I didn't sign up for it. It was given to me at birth. 

I like peace. I like everything about peace. Because I have never known peace. 

Some people think that I'll play games with them. That's a false assumption born of out of fear and insecurity.. I don't like to play games.. In fact far from it. 

The people who will truly be my friends are the people who don't live in fear. These people are free of cognitive biases, fears and insecurities. 

That's why narcissists can never become my friends. They always break up with me. Why? Because narcissists are full of fears and insecurities. 

Narcissists will always look at me with fear, suspicion, contempt, bias and doubt. Because they are cowards who are full of fear. I laugh at them. 

Can a fearful person approach a cactus? The answer is - Never. 

To approach a cactus you need a fearless person. 

Throughout my life, the only people who stayed my friends were fearless people. They weren't scared of me. They weren't scared to confront me. Such people are few and far in between. 

It takes a certain amount of courage to be my friend. Because it means that you have to go past your fears, doubts, inhibitions, biases about me. This is difficult for most people. That's why they are screened out on their own and they are auto-eliminated..

The moment I suspect that a person is nervous around me it's over. You can't be afraid of me if you truly wish to be my friend. I mirror your emotions back to you. 

So if you look at me with suspicion, you will fail to build trust with me.. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

On the subject of compromise and friendships. I don't feed on breadcrumbs. 

I'm a dog, a faithful dog. But I won't feed on your breadcrumbs. 

What do I exactly mean by this? 

What this means is that I'm not a highly principled individual but I'm not a  totally dumpster kind of a person either. 

I don't like to boast about myself because there is no humility in it but at the same time I don't undervalue myself more than who I am. I prefer to keep myself to a certain standard that I consider moderate. 

A problem that I routinely encountered with friendships is that they wanted me to defend them even when they were grossly wrong. 

I'll give you an example. 

A fair example is of Joseph. I can't be friends with a racist, much less have a romantic relationship with. 

He wanted me to participate in his racist jokes. I used to not like it. I simply cannot compromise on my moral values/principles (whether they are held in the highest light or not is another matter entirely), in lieu of saving the friendship/relationship. Sorry I can't do that.

Often when my friends did something that I considered to be morally wrong, I backed out and called them out on it, this did not go down well and they left me 

You can't expect me to eat your breadcrumbs. 

I won't get lured into being your friend. You can't sweeten the deal with breadcrumbs. 

You simply can't. I simply won't. 

I'm too arrogant and defiant for that, but I'm arrogant in a good kind of way. 

People call me strong willed. 

I see people easily and readily melt when they are being fed with breadcrumbs. 

They get a little amount of attention and they run like a tiger for it. I just can't be that. 

No matter how much love or affection you show to me, you can't win my love or friendship if I don't feel right with you 

This is not because I'm judging you. I simply cannot associate myself with something that nags at my conscience, no matter what price I will have to pay for it, which means risking losing my friendship. 

My principles (which I haven't exactly figured out), are more important to my heart than your silly dilly friendship. 

So if you act like a racist or you bully someone, I am sorry, either I will walk away from you or I will not participate or support you in it. 

I won't play nonsense social politics. 

I stay fair to who I am and how I was born. 

If you wish to break up with me simply because I didn't eat your breakcrumbs or support you in your bad deeds, I am absolutely fine with it, but at no point will I do whatever you want me to do to gain your favor. Nope nope nope. You're barking up the wrong tree if you think you can bribe me with some nice words. 

Lot of people say very sweet and nice words to me to gain my favor.. 

I turn them away once I realize that my values aren't aligned with their thoughts.

This was a huge problem for me for years. It was a tough battle between friendships and moral compromise. 

In the end, I have no money, no beauty, no clothes, no health, no nothing, but at least I will die knowing that I never betrayed my conscience even one bit. 

I will go to God/heaven/hell knowing in my heart that I was true to myself all along. 

Whatever judgement is ordained to me on Judgement Day, I will gladly accept it. 

I want none of the paltry social games that people play to gain a favorable social brownie point. 

Sorry I don't want your brownies and I don't want your breadcrumbs. Keep it with yourself. 

If being alone means that I can be who I am, then being alone is better. 

If being with people means that I have to constantly please them, appease them or even compromise on what I believe to be false then no thanks, I don't want such friends and I don't want such friendships. 

 

Yes I'm gullible. A bit. But I also open my eyes in time to walk away from those Brainwashing me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So even if you give me attention and stroke my ego, I still won't consider you a good person or a friend especially if I haven't seen any foundation upon which I can base such a belief. 

Show me who you are and only then my doors open for you. 

The entry  to my territory of friendship and trust are guarded by huge heavy concrete doors surrounded by crawling snakes. I'm almost tribal. Like you're entering an ancient Aztec empire. You want entry into my heart, into my land, into my mind???? Then you should open these doors with your faith, intelligence, good spirit, trust and character. Your sweet words will not open these doors because I'm easily suspicious of people who are sweet but backstabbers, and neither will your animosity or criticism will open them because it means misunderstanding and mistrust. The only persons who get entry through it are those who build trust in a proper manner. 

You can call me a narcissist all you want. 

I'm simply a tough defiant nut to crack. I can break but I won't bend. 

 

 

I'm sorry but I'm too tribal and rigid. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

10 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

I guess my main advice would be to treat those people as a practice material for your emotional mastery and to not take them very seriously.

That's a great point. Thank you. 

Your feedback means a lot. 

Thank you. 

 

[Preety_India]

Today is my father's death anniversary. Today is the day he died. December 17. 

My emotions are pretty raw since the last 24 hours. 

I feel much better after letting out all my bottled up emotions. 

I just didn't care. Let out whatever I felt, past and present. 

I am going to rest for a while. 

My garden is a tribute to my father. 

He had a huge interest in gardening. 

He was a deeply religious guy. 

I don't want to always sulk about his death. I also want to celebrate his life. 

He gave me a lot. Most importantly he taught me to be true to myself. 

I'll always be his daughter. 

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel thank you for being there. It means a lot. I love you. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

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[Preety_India]

I have begun to navigate this whole social arena rather more carefully and seriously and very accurately than before.. I don't think anything for granted anymore.

I don't automatically assume that someone is nice anymore. 

I don't joke as often as I used to.. It reminds me of the days I used to spend at the office where initially I was everyone's favorite joker and then when people began offending me  I became gloomy and sad. 

It's like you have to be serious with people for them to be chill with you. 

You sort of like to be a happy spirit but for some reason it's not exactly what people like.. 

Not that I care about what people like anymore but you have to do the tit for tat kind of thing. 

You can't afford to be hilarious and funny in a miserable sad or angry crowd. It won't suit.