My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

I wish this forum would attract more people. 

I'm kinda frankly bored reading the same names every time. 

It's nice to see new folks.. 

But the newbies who join hardly ever participate in anything.. 

It takes a while for them to get used here I guess. 

 

...... 

I feel at some point this forum will be almost dead and stagnant because a lot of my old friends on the forum left. They forgot to use it. Or simply got bored and never logged in. I used to have fantastic conversations here back in 2018 but a lot of those friendly people suddenly left or found better forums I guess. I remember that. 

If there was another forum like this I probably would have switched as well. 

Seeing them go made me very lonely. This forum was still a fantastic place back in 2018 when people used to joke a lot and they wouldn't be so argumentative. It was fun when I first joined here. Then all the fun people left, maybe because they have more fun in their life now. I was always a social introvert and more of a social recluse. I could never enjoy being in parties or large groups. So I guess for me it was more fun online than offline. 

I'm not a people person. 

Those kind of people have a lot of fun in life which I obviously miss out on. 

But I can't complain. Because you are born the way you are born and you have to embrace everything that God gave you and be grateful for it.. 

I have my own ways of having fun like reading and gardening or watching anything that catches my fancy. 

I mean even as an introvert you can enjoy life to a certain extent. 

I don't really envy extroverts. 

They are just different people. I will never become like them and I'm aware of this ever since I was a kid. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't suffer social anxiety. I wish I could go out in parties and not have issues to deal with. I wish I could also enjoy social company like others do. 

I battled loneliness ever since I was born. I never had anyone to play with except cats. Most kids in my neighborhood weren't my age and so I couldn't mix with them.. 

I grew up mostly feeling like an orphan. Then came high school and then university. I completed my studies got into relationships here and there but I still felt lonely because they weren't fulfilling relationships as there were too many fights and lack of love. Most of the guys were abusive and wouldn't respect me. So that wasn't a good time in my life. 

Yet after all that here I'm and I still feel like life holds value. I still have mountains to climb and things to pay interest to. 

As long as there is something that keeps you engaged, life can be worth living. 

 

I don't really regret self isolation and solitude anymore. It helps me realize that the world is fucked up anyway, what is there to achieve when everyone is simply competing for survival? 

....................

I think at some point I'll regress into pure self isolation and put an end to most interactions. Because I realized that interacting with people (no matter however lonely you might feel), is just not worth my time or commitment. It drains me anyway. 

People bring very little value to my life if ever. 

It's usually just too superficial. Most things usually lose their value over time. 

I had several friends slowly lose tough because their lives got busier and busier with jobs, ambitions, career and personal relationships/romances. 

Many friends eventually forget you once they find new romance. 

This is human nature and is undeniable. I can't expect a lot.. 

 

 

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm now interested more and more in self isolation. 

Just the way I was when I first joined the forum. It wasn't exactly bliss but it was real and comforting. It felt authentic. 

It felt like I could have deeper self-conversations.. 

What's the point of socialization anyway if nobody cares to truly understand or accept you? 

How do you feel comfort or even productive in a hyper competitive environment? 

What's the point if everything just leads to fights and fights and fights and misunderstanding? 

 

[Preety_India]

I slept like a log. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

That's a very few people that I wish to be connected with, and those are people who don't judge me. Because any form of judgement/criticism makes me very anxious and uncomfortable. 

I'm not saying that I want "yes" people around me. But because of my trauma and my sensitivity I prefer those who are gentle, soft, kind and non judgemental with me. 

 

[Preety_India]

Tomorrow and day after tomorrow is my father's death anniversary. 

He died on the night of December 17. DECEMBER 18 he was buried. 

Today I'm feeling very heavy, anxious and upset. 

It feels cold and heavy. 

I feel... I don't know how to explain it. 

I can only say I'm feeling heavy. Like a heavy heart. 

 

I am trying not to get too emotional. 

 

I feel a little frazzled , like uncomfortable. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel like throwing up. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I just need cuddles and warm hands. 

I want to feel protected and peaceful. 

 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I feel like I should throw myself into self isolation. 

Because.... The internet can be a very cruel place. 

People type whatever just because they have a keyboard without understanding what impact it would have on a person reading it. 

I had no idea this is how the internet is going to be. 

It's brutal when people judge you and make it sound okay to impose their own interpretations of things on you, mostly deciding things for you, as though they know you better than you know yourself.. 

It feels very judgemental, entitled and lacking absolutely in compassion. 

Like how can someone decide what's good or bad for you? 

 

[Preety_India]

I drift in and out of consciousness. 

When this happens, I get many half baked thoughts. Thoughts that are partially true and are associated with the nature of reality that I interact with.. 

These thoughts are deeply buried in my subconscious.. 

They usually surface when I'm feeling exhausted and unconscious. 

One of the thoughts that I had today which felt partially like a dream, like talking in a dream... 

This thought was associated with doctors. I felt like doctors are cheap and shallow and don't care about patients on a holistic level.. They don't give a fuck about how emotional things impact you. 

The next thought I got was that I deserve a medically sensitive environment. 

The environment of this forum is too rude and insensitive for me.. I am too sensitive and soft for this place. This place constantly hurts me in some way and then I lash out in reactiveness.

This defensiveness in me comes from feeling hurt offended by something thrown in my direction. 

Whereas if I'm placed in a rehab like environment where there are strict rules on how you approach a trauma victim like me, I probably won't suffer as much. Because people will be blocked from saying mean things in that environment. People will be told to be sushh when I'm feeling sensitive. 

It's like a person who doesn't like sound is being thrown into a loud noisy party where people think It's perfectly normal to play the music to the loudest level and don't see a problem with it. Yet a person who is deeply harmed by intense noise might even suffer a heart attack in that place. Such a person should be placed in a safe environment where the noise levels are minimum like a hospital or a rehab. 

Because a general environment is harmful to such a person. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Now I'm feeling mild chest pain. 

I also don't feel like being on this forum again. 

I feel intense disdain for this place. 

I always feel very "judged" here. 

 

I just come here for the luxury of journaling. 

Especially for a woman, this place sucks big time because you have to read bad shit being written about women day in day out on here. It can impact the psyche. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Changed my profile picture. 

Hopefully I won't get so much attention this time. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel love you so much. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have decided to strictly be in journals. 

Because there is no point of being in the forum. I will never fit in there. 

 

[Preety_India]

There is too much gaslighting on the forum. I don't like it. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Something Funny  to be fair and honest, I feel targeted on this forum. And this is not some unnecessary suspicion I'm carrying. It has a basis to it. 

I have been on this forum since 2018. At first I was only doing rigorous journaling (journaling is a great hobby for me, especially documenting and writing about myself). I did this for the whole year of 2018 and 2019. There is a reason why I wasn't talking to anyone. 

A user here (who I don't wish to mention) had harassed me to the point that I felt the forum. So when I came back I thought I will get some peace of mind. I did get some peace of mind because I was just in my journal. I decided to not interact with anyone on the forum. This continued till 2019. 

One day I was experiencing excruciating mental pain because of my abusive ex boyfriend Joseph. I thought I needed some advice. So I asked a question about my ex on the dating section of the forum. 

I got an overwhelming response and support from people. I felt good. A lot of people also said some mean things but I didn't pay much attention to it. 

After that I felt some confidence that I could interact with people without fear. That's what I did. I began interacting on the forum in the month of January 2020. 

I lacked social skills so most of my posts weren't very polite or socially tactful. I didn't know how to be diplomatic. I was kinda cut throat. I would get straight to the point. 

Some of my opinions weren't liked by people. Mostly in the dating section. The reason being that I would fight very fiercely against all the hateful sexist  comments on that part of the forum. I was like the whistle blower. I also raised awareness about the red pill mentality in many of the threads that were very rampant in the later months of 2020 on that part of the forum.

Some insecure users who were mostly male did not particularly like my daredevil defiant attitude and they took great offense at my presence. They decided to target me. They would tell Leo constantly that I should be banned. Because they didn't want a defiant woman on the forum challenging their ways and opinions. I was particularly good at debating. I could outwit them with my ideas that were far more sharper, intellectual, intuitive and cut straight to the point. I think people don't like a whistle blower personality because they feel threatened. A lot of people felt threatened by me just because I was challenging them straight up. I did not realize that I was gathering enemies over time. 

By the time it was 2021, I had already gathered a few enemies out of clashes, fights, hatred, jealousy, competition, debating, biases etc. It gave me an idea what can happen among a group of people when you act free and authentic with your opinions and don't use even the slightest amount of social politics or diplomacy. 

I disagreed with a lot of people on the forum especially in the dating section. I always held the forum in great esteem. I thought people here are very open minded to disagreements. Nope. My illusion about this forum was totally shattered. People here are extremely aggressive to disagreements. If you disagree with them, they almost hold you like an enemy, develop personal vendetta and keep fighting with you all the time and don't give up. It's almost as though they come here either to fight or instigate a fight. They are just looking for someone who disagrees. It's some sort of abnormal mentality. They have this fighty mentality where they want to say something that will definitely provoke a reaction. They will say something very absurd and when you disagree with them, they will start with personal insults and attacks 

In my opinion the biggest problem of this forum is that nobody can mind their own business, they constantly look at whatever others are writing or doing which I find very odd because why would someone come to a personal development forum if they can't focus on themselves. What's the point if the focus is on other people? 

Another major problem with this forum is the lack of decency. Somehow decency is very difficult to implement here. No matter how much the moderators try. What I mean is the people here love to throw personal insults at each other. I get that arguments and disagreements happen. But there is no need to insult someone. There is no need to say something personal to them. There is no need to target their personal life or relationship. But the forum is not evolved enough to understand this. It is very low conscious in this regard that people rarely ever control personal attacks. Instead of saying "I disagree with whatever this person said" they make it like "I think this user is the problem" this is very targeting and gaslighting kind of an approach, because the person feels like even holding an opinion is a crime. Funny and ironic because this is the place to share opinions. A person shouldn't feel targeted for simply having a different opinion or perspective. I feel this forum is not broad minded enough to consider every perspective or value a person's perspective. Also there is a certain degree of self righteousness here which is awful. Some people say things as though it's the ultimate truth about a situation. They just don't care to think in a different way. Their way is the right way. Not that I'm not guilty of this myself, but I don't go hammering someone with my opinion if it's not personally relevant to me. But they don't act like that. They are so authoritarian that they just have to be right and whatever they want has to happen or they won't stop. 

There was a user here who would repeatedly call for my banning in any forum related thread. I hadn't interacted with him in more than a year. I had argued with him only once like a year ago and he wouldn't let go or forget that. People here hold permanent grudges. So that person repeatedly publicly told users that I should be banned. It was very weird because I hardly had any interactions with him. I felt absolutely targeted and harassed.. 

There are still users who constantly complain about me even when I don't interact with them. It's like they just can't mind their own business. It affects me mentally when I read their comments. I don't see why I am such a big problem to them when I don't even talk to them. 

They somehow want to instigate me to a fight for no reason. 

Some of these users complain about my post count. How is that even irrelevant? Why does that even matter? It's just a number. How does it matter if I had 3 posts or 80,000 posts. After all its a number and it can even be hidden if looking at it is creating a problem? I mean it's the most absurd thing to pay attention to. People are objecting to my post count. When I told Leo about it, he told me to simply ignore what these users say. 

But at the end of the day such pointless complaints about me really bring my morale down. It's demoralizing. I just want to focus on my work. But people here don't let me work in peace. I swear if these people stop complaining about me I will have so much peace and no fights. I will not feel provoked so much. I have a defensive attitude because of my trauma and these people constantly push my buttons when pushing the buttons on a trauma victim is the last thing to do to them. It's the most toxic behavior to do around someone who is suffering PTSD. 

People here gossip about me. I don't do private journaling because I don't feel motivated to journal. I feel like I am talking to a wall. I just don't like the suffocating feeling of private journaling. I prefer public journaling because it makes me feel like I'm actually talking, although I'm simply talking to myself in my journals. 

My journals are first and foremost and primarily are meant for my own reference and consumption. They are not made for people to consume even if they are public. Yes feedback if given in a respectful manner is acceptable. But people use whatever I write in my journal as ammunition against me. They use my journal information to attack me. My personal life is none of their business. I have seen many users write something about my personal life in the main forum and I quickly realize that the only way they could have known this is that they read my journal. That behavior is disgusting. Because a journal is supposed to be an intimate place even if it's publicly visible. A journal is nobody's business because it's a person's personal space. 

A person/user should not bring personal information of someone from the journal into the main forum. This is basic decency that should be expected in this place. Not to use someone's personal information as ammunition. Since opening up about one's personal life needs honesty and Vulnerability, this Vulnerability shouldn't be attacked. Are people opening up about their private most intimate feelings and experiences in their journals so that others can use it and ridicule, mock or judge them for it?? Then journaling would serve no purpose. 

Not only do people bring up personal information and act judgemental here, they actively involve and engage in gossip. I'm not going to lie and say that I did not gossip here. I did as well. But at least I had the dignity to walk away from it when I realized that I was engaging in it. Meanwhile others continue to engage in gossip. That's the most low conscious thing to do is to engage in gossip about another user in personal messenger. It's downright gross and a gateway to drama and unnecessary intrusion into another's persons life. 

For the same reason, so that nobody should bring their gossip to me, I decided to take firm action and blocked my personal messenger permanently. So nobody on the forum can message me. I have put a full stop to the gossip behavior of some of the users here. I don't want to participate in any gossip anymore. And I don't wish to know what others are doing with their personal life. Now if they attack me even I will feel like attacking them back. If they bring up my personal shit, I can bring up theirs too. I'm a human being, not a Saint. If I'm provoked I will do what a human being does when they are provoked. And given the argumentative nature of the forum, my patience is anyways wearing thin. I have had enough. 

That's why after giving it a deep thought about how the general forum is, I really don't like this place anymore. I simply come here because I like to journal a lot especially in a public place and the journaling has a lot of features that other places don't offer. I can have multiple journals here linked in one place. I won't get this option elsewhere. It makes it very comfortable for me to divide my journals based on different themes and ideas so they are not clobbered in one place. 

 

[Preety_India]

This is my boyfriend's opinion on this forum —

"Insensitivity is pretty rampant on the forum. I haven’t commented on the main forum a lot and they didn’t get a ton of responses. But I swear there’s always one hyper aggressive, insensitive comment.You said best yourself. If people get outsmarted, they become vengeful. Which is like the hight of low consciousness and insecurity" 

I absolutely agree with him. The aggression on this forum is massive. 

 

I guess we both are sensitive little idiots to this forum. 

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Anyway the best way to deal with this forum, at least for the time being is to just not engage with anyone for the best intents and purposes. 

No more drama. 

I have found much peace of mind after disabling my messenger for good. 

I wish I knew all this long ago. Like 2 years ago. But I really can't blame myself since I am pretty much new to the internet. I barely started using the internet when I joined this forum. I had no idea how internet forums worked. I was just a newbie and a slow learner on top of that. 

Plus I have social anxiety. I am very shy in real life. I barely talk to anyone. So I had no idea about socialization and people behaviour. 

I had no idea about social games and people games. Now I do. 

Now I have realized that managing people is in itself a huge deal, almost like managing a business. No Thanks. I can't do that. It's like telling a person to participate in the Olympics when they can barely walk. 

I can't for the life of me. I like peaceful non argumentative easy to get along kind of people. People who don't start unnecessary shit..people who don't gossip. People who don't play games. I'm trying to be that way myself. 

I am getting better and better at screening people now. 

One of the major faults with my behavior while screening people is that I mostly thought that authentic and honest people are the best. This is very very wrong. The degree of honesty is completely irrelevant. In fact many people use honesty as a badge of honor. My mom does it too. She will tell people how honest she is all the time. 

Let me tell you something. I'm not a very honest person. I don't even claim to be. I have been Dishonest sometimes in fact I have been Dishonest a lot with my mother. But you know what, I have learned to not give a fuck about my own Dishonesty. I'm not in this world to prove shit. I am in this world to fucking survive. If I had to steal to live  I  will do that. Because I'm a psychopath. I only know survival. 

If your morality means that I can't survive, I ask you whats the point of it? 

If you can't have compassion for someone's survival, I dare your morality and your moralization charade?? 

My mother never cared for my survival. She left me on my own. I always had to fend for myself ever since I was a child. She neglected me. 

What's the use of her honesty? She only uses it as a bragging tool.. 

 

If I can't survive in this world, I fucking don't care about morality anymore. 

Try being extremely poor where your survival is in immediate danger. Try being a kidnapped victim.. You'll forget all rules of decency and morality. You will kill your kidnapper to escape their torture.. 

 

You will go steal a store to feed your child. 

Can you blame a hungry child who is stealing bread? 

Then fuck your morality? 

Society likes to blame mass shooters, serial killers, psychopaths and murderers.. 

Do they ever stop to think that not everyone is born this way? 

Some people are a product of a rotten society. Society is a hypocrite. They first breed a human being in difficult circumstances. Then they question their choices. They ask why the person turned out to be a mall shooter? 

Well you fucking bullied that child to death, maybe that's why. 

Why did a poor person steal? Because they can't work hard like everybody and they are probably disabled or just too desperate to pay bills and there was no other option but to turn into a psychopath. 

Here I'm not condoning crimes. 

The point I'm trying to make is that desperate situations create desperate people. If you truly wish to change things for the better then stop the blame game, raise children in a good environment so that they become better people and not psychopaths. 

If you want love then give love not hate. 

You raise a child with hate, then what do you expect? 

You expect them to turn into a Saint?

My mom raised me with total hate. She never had love in her eyes whenever she looked at me. I began to lie to her because I didn't trust her. 

Then she wonders why I don't love her anymore as an adult.. Why should I? 

 

Why should a child be expected to love a parent who raised them with hate, contempt, narcissism and indifference? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

People completely undercut, undervalue and underestimate the impact of upbringing. 

How your parents treated you as a child has a lot to do with how you're going to be as an adult. The more you deny this the more you walk away from solutions. 

Parents have a lot to do with how your emotional, moral, psychological constitution is built. They not only contribute to your Genes directly but also pass on the imprints and shadows of their own psyches on to you.. 

You're a walking psychological thriller or case study. 

There is a lot that happens to a person when they grow from a child to an adult. 

If you fucking don't know how to raise a child then fucking don't breed. 

At this point the world should have licensed parenting. 

 

Only have a child when you know how to raise and you are conscious enough to raise. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Bullies use honesty as a weapon to bully. 

I have reached a point where I have begun to hate the word honesty. Anyone who uses the word honesty immediately raises suspicion in my mind. 

My mom always use to brag about how honest she is. 

When I was in America she was living with me. 

She is like a stage Blue, stage Orange materialist narcissist who can never go 1 cm beyond skin deep. I swear I have never seen such a superficial shallow human being in my life. 

She views the world from an old style 1980s conservative, old hillbilly type of person who can never see things beyond the usual trappings of wealth, status, social conditioning, money. Spirituality simply doesn't exist in her life. 

All she wants is food, TV, silly entertainment, gossip, fashionable clothing, high end jewelry, showing off, bragging, putting down those who are not rich. I don't like her shallow life. I find her high class behavior cheap and shallow and without meaning. For her this is life. For me it's a nonsense charade meant to impress society and nothing more. 

I talk about God, existential crisis, life and meaning, contemplation etc. If you read my journals from 2018 to 2020, I spent a rigorous amount of time developing and constantly thinking about spirituality. Constant contemplation on a variety of spiritual concepts. All of my 30,000 posts are because of the accumulation of my spiritual research over 3 long years on this forum. It was my main journey back then. 

Then I decided to take a break from spiritual topics somewhere this year 2021  because it was getting a bit too much. I was obsessed with spiritually for 3 years. Then it finally came to an end and my interest kinda died down. I still have a ton of spiritual work to do but all the spiritual conceptualizing is only a foundation I built for my future  work. 

It rests that way and I can refer to it anytime I want to and I can use it to further my exploration and research into spirituality. It's a huge body of work that I left on this website. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Bullies use honesty as a weapon to bully. 

Coming back to this topic. 

So i was talking about how my mom is a bully and constantly uses honesty as a garb. 

I kinda  trailed off from the topic in the last post. 

So when I was living in America and my mom was with me, one day I came across some black folks in Walmart. 

My mom was like - "aren't these people African?" 

I was like - "yes mom, they are of African origin but they are born and raised in America." 

My mom said — "who will find these people attractive?"

Then I got furious. 

I said —"mom stop it. That's racist. What the fuck? How can you say such things?" 

She said — "I'm just being honest." 

I really wanted to slap her at that point. 

This is just an example of how conversations occur between me and my mother. 

There is nothing honest about being a dick head. If you are a dick head you're a dick head. 

If you are racist, then he honest and admit that you are racist.. 

Honesty and freedom of speech is not a license to be a dickhead. 

Bullies like my mother usually say nasty things and get away with it by using the cover of honesty and truth. 

If your truth is hurting someone's life and emotions, then sorry to let you know that your truth really doesn't matter anymore. Your honesty is garbage. 

My mother has the personality of Tucker Carlson or Trump. She is like a Right winger, always parading the "fuck feelings we care about facts" kind of people. I'm sick of such people. 

You can clearly see the contradiction between my mothers personality and mine. 

She is like an old generation Tucker Carlson type of twat. 

I'm like a new generation free living stage Green leftist liberal rebellious SJW hippie who believes in personal liberty and equality who doesn't give a fuck about what society thinks and who wants to live in a peaceful free world without much authority, control or rules. I hate money although I need it for survival. 

You get it? 

 

If my mother was living in America she would have been a trumpist and would have definitely voted for Trump. 

If I were living in America I would never vote for that Trump Turd. 

 

Me and my mother are two opposite personalities that repeatedly clash over anything and everything. 

You can't have a leftist and a right winger under one roof. It's like pandemonium. 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Preety_India