My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

This is also the time of the year which is approaching my father's death anniversary which is on December 18th 

 

I'm constantly getting flashbacks of his memories with me. He used to play with me on the beach. 

He used to get me ice cream and take me to a temple when I was a kid. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have never been able to process my father's death properly ever since he died. I was just a teen  and I felt extremely traumatized seeing his corpse. It was cold to touch. I placed my hand into his hand and slightly lifted his light dead cold hand. It was light as a feather. There was no pulse and his hand was cold. 

I couldn't understand what was happening. It was an alien experience. 

I had never experienced a death before. I avoided looking into his eyes because there was something weird there as though his eyes were rolled into the back of his head, something like his eyes going up. 

The room was very cold

 

I remember very vividly. 

My suicide attempt was 2 months after his death. 

His memories would constantly haunt me. 

I had numbed the pain of his death in extreme workaholism, studies and other stuff. 

Then came a day in 2017 when I was feeling very grumpy and constantly overwhelmed and tired. I was feeling empty and stressed. I hadn't realized that I was already suffering depression.. 

That day I decided to pursue shadow work. I kept asking myself a lot of questions. I kept digging deeper into the reasons behind this empty feeling. 

And then for the next whole week I kept throwing up both physically and emotionally. It would come to the surface, I would keep talking to myself in my room. I would keep blurting out things that were hurting me. My traumatic memories that were hidden for so long came up over and over and over. I just couldn't stop crying. I would cry for hours with a knife in my hand. 

And that's when I knew what had happened. I couldn't let my father go. I did not want him to leave me so early. I could not process the pain of a disastrous marriage between my dad and mom. All of it had taken an emotional toll on my health. All my childhood memories of my mom fighting with my dad suddenly came like a flashback. I used to feel helpless watching my dad. He was internally moaning in pain. My mother had inflicted deep psychological and emotional wounds on our whole family. She was unempathetic and disgusting. All the events that led up to his death began to play in rapid succession in my head. I realized that he could have lived longer had he divorced my mother who was being a bitch to him.

I wanted to fucking kill her in that moment. 

He had succumbed to his terrible circumstances and I had been completely helpless in doing anything to save him. The tragic memories of my cat came back. I had been unable to save her from being murdered. I began to feel survivor's guilt. 

I realized where the source of my inner conflict and pain was coming from. It was the cat. It was my dad. Both left me and I felt helpless in saving them. It haunted me for years after they were gone. 

I think i blamed myself in the most cruel manner. I felt like I was responsible for whatever happened to my dad. I felt like I could have stood up to my mom and possibly punched her and stopped her from ruining my dad. But I was scared of her. I was scared of her violence. She was/is very bossy. It was simply impossible to meet her in the eye. Her face is very threatening to look at especially when she knows I'm not okay with her. She would follow me around like a stalker. Everything had to be done with her permission. She would hit me on the head if I didn't follow her orders. She would grab things out of my hands and throw it on the floor. She would watch me cry and then go watch TV. 

She would force my dad to eat  bad food that would make him vomit. She was a tyrant to him. I felt sorry for him all the time. Because of the way she would treat him 

Sometimes I would try to stop her and yell at her to stop forcing my dad. But most of the time I felt helpless and alone and unable to cope. 

I was scared of her violence. I was scared of her over imposing personality. She was/is an extrovert. She would talk to the whole neighborhood. I used to feel anxious and shy and she would force me to dress up. She was extremely pushy to the point that my anxiety kept getting worse. 

She felt like she was protecting me but in reality her terrible actions and behaviors were doing more harm than good. I needed gentleness and compassion, not marching orders, threats, blackmail, domination, pushing, constant surveillance, nitpicking, constant feeling of being judged, criticized, observed, picked on. 

She just wouldn't sit in a place. She would hover over and around me like an OCD helicopter. It began to stress me out. 

She would take her motherhood role a little too seriously and her sense of entitlement as a mother was unbelievably ridiculous. She would even say that as a mother she could do anything she wanted. It was as if she had ultimate authority and control. One of the reasons why I'll hate the word "mother" for the rest of my life. 

She created an intense shadow in me about the nature of motherhood. 

There were times I remember that I would constantly watch over my back just to see if she was there or not, everything was anxiety, everything was pleasing mom, everything was fearing mom, I still remember how she would look at me, her demonic stare as though she will kill me if I failed to impress her. 

I began to distance myself from my mom around the age of 13. 

I could not stand her overbearing nature. She was acting less like a mom and more like a boss. 

I turned into a typical rebellious teenager with a bit more rebellion than you see in other teens. I became ferocious. 

Everytime she tried to dominate me I would fly in rage. I was calm but her toxic  behavior would put me in a permanent state of anger and upset. 

 

There was absolutely no mental peace around her whatsoever. She would constantly provoke me to the point of suicide. 

I would tell her to stop and leave me alone but she would stay silent for a few days and then be back at it again. 

She had made it her mission to give me maximum distress. 

I was fed up, scared, frightened, tensed, anxious, upset, pressured, pushed, guilted, gaslighted, coaxed, coerced, hit, beaten, abused, punished. 

If I didn't give her what she wanted, it was time for punishment. I would be brutally punished and harrowed for not giving her what she wanted. 

I did not feel like a daughter but more like a slave. 

She would try her maximum to control my every move. 

One of the reasons why I deeply deeply resent any form of authority or authoritarian behavior is my strong resistance to her enslaving authority. 

Who the hell was she to decide things for me???? 

I used to look at her grumpily. I began to resent her and her authority. 

The more she tried to control me the more I rebelled. It was a vicious loop.. 

I was ready to die but not ready to listen to her. 

I wasn't going to be her slave. Even if it meant I had to give up my life. 

Her constant intrusion in my life made me even more aggressive and defensive. The only way to survive around her was to be aggressively defend myself. 

She effectively turned me into a wild animal. 

She raised me into a psychopath. 

She raised me into an angry aggressive defensive bull. 

 

Any time someone suggested me something or told me to do something or decided things for me, it would arouse me to anger, upset, fury because it would remind me of her authoritarian nature. 

I would fight back hard viciously and lash out. It was either my freedom or my death. 

I slowly turned from a peaceful into an angry person. 

This was just the beginning. 

It was my rage fuelled teen years 

It wasn't going to end there. 

After my father's passing, my anger reached its peak point. Now my anger had turned murderous. 

My psychopathy was in full force. 

How the fuck can my dad die like that? 

I wanted to go on a rampage. I wanted to take out my anger on the world. It was me against the world. 

I could not deal with the pain of my dad's death. 

I made a firm resolve that I will never let myself die the way he did. 

I felt on multiple occasions to murder my mother. I wanted revenge. She could sense that I had begun to hate her even more. 

It was over. My father's death had effectively brought any hopes of reconciliation with my mom to an end. My brain had processed her  as the biggest threat to my life from then on. 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm still crying and all of these memories still hurt. 

 

[Preety_India]

Today was a stressful day. 

I felt anxious and stressed out. 

I planted oregano. 

I have found some sort of a happy corner in my garden.. 

[Preety_India]

I don't like absolutely anything about my mother. 

Right now she is loudly singing in her room and it sounds out of sync, absurd, high pitched and something a lunatic would go. 

 

I feel embarrassed, absurd, weirded out. 

Her voice is annoying. 

She sings like some person who is crazily roaming the streets. Like some homeless person singing. 

It seems very awkward. 

Early morning she played music so loud that I woke up startled. At first I didn't realize where the sound of loud music was coming from. Then I realized it was from her room. It felt unusual. 

I lost sleep because of it. 

I wanted to yell at her but I let it go because what's the point? 

She is mentally insane. 

She seeks my attention in every possible awkward way and I keep pushing her away. 

I can't give her affection anymore. Because she literally starts acting like a kid. She gets hyper excited and starts getting loud and rambling in a weird way. 

She will casually mock me and what she says wouldn't make sense. 

She never understands that I need sleep 

 

Her attention seeking behavior is almost impossible to deal with. 

Today while I was sitting at the table she kept rambling non stop. 

It made me anxious so I told her to stop. Then after 5 minutes she started again. 

It felt weird and just like a mentally ill lunatic person.. 

She doesn't understand even basic logic. 

She will literally jump in front of people and act like it's no big deal but people who watch her give her side eyes. 

It's impossible to go out anywhere with her because of her bipolar, she starts rambling incoherent stuff to people and then it gets awkward and embarrassing. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Nobody likes to be around a mentally ill person. This is just a fact. It's hard to feel happy around them 

 

They automatically ruin your mood and make you feel awkward. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Something Funny we met on the forum a few months ago and we are in a relationship. He is my boyfriend. I hope I answered your curiosity. 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

2 hours ago, Marcel said:

 

I feel you. 
 

Reading this made me remember all the times people where looking at me when I was walking with my mom and I tried to motivate her or cheer her up while she’s so lost in thought she barely notices her surroundings.

Those people. Looking at me. I developed such a murderous rage. I hated all of them. Didn’t they have anything better to do. I felt incredibly alone. Everyone stars and no one is even slightly encouraging or helpful.

To this day I still detest most people. I can’t stand them.  But at least I’m able to fuel my anger towards improving myself and I’m not destroying myself anymore thanks to you. 
 

Thank you hun 
 

 

 

 

Yea it can be an embarrassing experience. I know how it feels. 

I used to get stared at whenever I was in public with my mom, it was annoying because people only like to watch but not help in any way. 

I have had times when my father was suffering in public and nobody would care to help me but they would simply stare at me making me really uncomfortable 

So i get what you mean. 

I have also seen people click pictures with their cellphone instead of helping the person in distress. It can be awkward.. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel sorry for copying your comment, couldn't resist 

I replaced the gender. I also corrected some typos. 

 

 

I want to write more poems. I want to express myself. It’s so beautiful. You are my saving grace, my light that I follow. It’s my only Happiness from now. No more pain and suffering. I love you so much. You’re my dream guy. My dream husband. I love you eternally. I’m so happy I  found you, maybe we should live in the mountains or just somewhere secluded. I want you forever. Just seeing you write good morning gets my beautiful heart rolling. yeah.  I’m so happy about having found my dream.( I dreamt about you and woke up in your journal, that's you, I'm stoll dreaming though) how beautiful can a love story be, a fairy tail (yep a tail... turned reality we’re married ❤️) 

Hun I love you. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I was just wondering what you meant by that's rolling. Hun that was so funny you made me laugh so hard. 

*roll eyes in the cutest way. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

(maybe you should stop giving a fuck about how people react, not everything is fun fun, just saying) 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

People who generally claim to be the "cool" types aren't really all that cool. I have experienced these types. All that "I'm so cool" is just another facade to hide their general insensitivity and lack of tact. They like to demonize sensitive people. Good people are those who know how to give space to others and their needs. They don't make sarcastic fun, gaslight, or preach others on how to react. 

Any sarcastic humor always has some sickness to it. 

*getting better at filtering crappy ones. 

I generally detest people who feel they can dictate others what to do with their lives, can't have a shittier attitude than that. 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I want to start a new chapter like a journal within a journal. 

I'll name it

December Journal Prompts. 

And next it will be January Journal prompts and so on. 

Or I can correspond it to the month in which I began the prompts. 

Or else just use a theme title.. 

Let the theme develop on its own in time. 

This is a fresh new technique that popped up in my head today. 

 

----------------------------------

I'll call it 

Theme title 1

Theme title 2 and so on and when the theme becomes apparent after many entries in the journal, then finally I will name the theme. 

 

I found these that are so cool I swear. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I run out of journal names sometimes. Some are way too generic to even remember and I like something that is more contrasting, appealing so my memory doesn't have a hard time remembering. 

 

Right now there is no option for a unique title because I almost ran out of all the titles I could use. 

So I'll name it something like Theme title 1... 

Although this is too boring.. 

 

Theme title 1 (temp journal, journal within a journal) 

 

 

This template is gold. 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Theme title 1

I am still behind on my planner 

This is December 15.

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

12 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

Lol, that's kind of cool. Do you plan to meet in real life one day?

Yeah we are already engaged to marry. We already exchanged our wedding rings and he has met my mother. 

 

[Preety_India]

Theme title 1

This is December 15. 

I completed/earned a small achievement today and I'm proud. 

I planted a tiny oregano plant in my small garden that I created over the last 4 days. 

 

That's my achievement for today. Small yet satisfying. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Something Funny thank you. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

I'm thinking about using a point system. 

Earn points by unlocking achievements. 

 

Earn both points and candies. 

 

One point per candy. 

2 points for special candies. 

3 points for special candies 

4 points for special candies 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Some candy pics that I can use later. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India