My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

You do feel guilt about the fact that you could have known these things earlier and benefitted from it yet experiencing it in its full form isn't bad either. Once you have a half baked experience, it leaves you in limbo because you still aren't sure about how you want to navigate around new unknown situations so going through the entire spectrum or gamut of these experiences serves as a brutal(yet helpful) crash course on how to deal with the entirety of such situations. 

 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes darkness becomes your greatest companion because the truth it reveals to you are better than the falsehoods of the waking world. 

 

[Preety_India]

Why was I so naive? Why did I submit? Why did I sacrifice my own well-being? Why was I so foolish and dumb? 

 

Why was I lost? 

Where did I go wrong? 

The answers to so many questions will never be found. 

 

So many things left unanswered. 

 

Edited December 12, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

There is so much hurt deep inside that it's almost unexplainable. 

But there is a sense of peace as well. 

Deep down everything hurts too much 

 

Because you know truths that others don't. 

They just can't grasp the gravity of the situation. But somehow it was your fate to deal with it, to know it, to see it and feel it, something you cannot unsee once you have seen and felt it. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

What's the reality of it all? 

What's the higher truth? 

What's hidden behind this illusion? 

What's raw and real? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

How do you reconcile reality with what you consider to be true, what you know in your mind is true? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Is it even worth it when you realize the truth in the end when everything is over? 

 

[CodyXarex]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Is it even worth it when you realize the truth in the end when everything is over? 

 

It at least gives closure and perspective.

[Preety_India]

Meanwhile I should always show empathy even to those who trouble me? 

 

[Preety_India]

My policy is that if you can't take it, then don't dish it out. 

If you feel hurt or upset by me. I also feel upset by something that you must have done. Don't be so selfish. 

 

If you want me to show compassion to you, show compassion to me as well.

 

I feel hurt as well. But nobody gives a Damn about it. Usually I'm slapped with some gaslighting whenever I request to be understood. 

The problem is people only focus on me. Almost like tunnel vision. 

If you focus on the whole situation from above, you'll realize that I'm least interested in drama. I try to avoid and keep away as much as possible. 

 

I can't be super friendly with people because of my anxious personality. Does this make me a bad person? 

I generally never have bad intentions towards anyone 

I just feel anxious and in general a bit suspicious. 

Isn't it natural to feel suspicious around people if your trust has been broken like a gazillion times in the past??? 

 

 

I have been punished brutally in my life for trusting people. 

Maybe sit in my shoes some day before judging me so harshly. 

And if you don't like me, why bother at all? 

I generally try to create peace unless someone is throwing a stone at my house. Then I throw it back. 

Yes I'm defensive. It's my trauma that causes me to act extremely defensive and I build walls around myself and subconsciously push people away. 

Why not? 

 

My biggest hurt in life came directly from people. 

Whether it was family, friends or ex lovers. 

People that I didn't sign up to be with but they existed in my life anyway. You can say I have/had a choice. 

Well... A person of limited resources doesn't really have much of a choice. 

People manipulated me on several occasions. They backstabbed me. I felt betrayed as well.

 

It's not like I was treated with a bed of roses. 

So when you judge how I react to you  also judge how you treat me. 

 

You reap what you sow 

 

 

I'm almost like a mirror. I reflect back to you your own attitude towards me. 

You look at me with indifference and hostility, then don't expect me to look at you with awe or gentleness. 

Give me what i deserve and I'll be equally fair with you. 

I'm no Saint. 

I try to be on my best behavior most of the time. But it's hard to be on my best behavior with a backdrop of trauma, severe anxiety, PTSD, violence from my mother, childhood abuse, a murdered pet at the age of  just 14, a broken dysfunctional home, loneliness, death of my father during my juvenile years, knowing that my mother and sibling caused my father's death and realizing this later after many years during trauma therapy, having medical issues because of my mother's neglect, being intensely bullied and microscopically observed by people meanwhile feeling shy, reserved and socially awkward and anxious around people, being through 3 abusive relationships back to back because of lack of family support, people being intrusive about my life all the time, not to mention my own hypersensitive personality, I'm an HSP (hypersensitive person), a former epilepsy sufferer (I suffered epilepsy during my juvenile years), having born malnourished and underweight in a third world country that treats women like shit, having born premature (I was kept in ICU immediately after birth due to my premature birth), having a disability while walking (I can't walk for long) Generational trauma of my mother and grandmother (my mother forced to marry my dad when she was only 20, a forced arrange marriage, her family basically told her - either marry this guy or commit suicide she wanted to be a school teacher but they thought a woman shouldn't be so ambitious so they stopped her from attending teacher training, my grandmother was married off at the age of 8, obviously without her consent to a much older man, my grandfather in a fucked up Indian culture of the 1960s) being viciously bullied  by my bipolar mother all my childhood and being called a loser by her almost everyday (daily physical and verbal abuse, she was a narcissist who wanted a perfect child and not a disabled weak child like me), being called a loser despite having scored A grades in every subject and topping every class consecutively for 5 years in high school, completing my MBA in Finance (masters in business administration) with great difficulty because of my social anxiety, with the best grades and then struggling with my first job due to my social anxiety and workplace harassment, facing regular and daily sexual harassment in buses and public transport (India is notorious for sexual groping/harassment especially in public transport), managing a very pathetic job (too much job stress) alongside relationships with abusive boyfriends, overcoming all of this and finally landing in one piece in my final version that you see me now. 

 

Isn't this too much to go through for a young girl/woman born into poverty and problems? 

 

Isn't this already massively fucked up? 

 

And then when people judge me, it hurts a lot. 

You still judge me and my behavior? 

 

<I'm not asking to be exempt from judgement, but try to have a scintilla of understanding into who you're dealing with when you are dealing with me. Who? Did you ever try to understand me even in the slightest? 

 

If you really think I'm fucked up, are you actually surprised that I turned out this way??

I still try my hardest to maintain my sanity given my horrible past. I'm not living in a mental asylum(not that there is anything inherently wrong with it) . I did not harm or kill or murder anyone. 

Not saying that I'm a Saint, just saying that I haven't done the most horrible things to be judged so brutally to the point of annihilation. 

If my anger and lashing out hurts you, why bother to deal with me? 

 

You show compassion for Hitler. But can't show compassion to me? 

Where is my empathy, where is my compassion? 

I'm not asking this in a selfish way, just trying to make everything fair on both ends. 

Because it isn't fair to attack me and judge me when I don't do the same to you. 

 

Not fair to start fights with me and expect me to simply put up with it. 

Not fair to signal things in my direction (not like i don't notice it), and then expect me to be completely silent when all the gossip around me simply goes on and on. If you can't show compassion to me, then fine, it doesn't matter and I don't beg for it, but I do feel hurt and wounded when you say things on the sly. I don't need anymore judgement, in fact people who judge others so brutally are blind to their own ways of gaslighting others. You calling something right doesn't make it right, you calling something wrong doesn't make it wrong. This entitled attitude is a product of your own projection. Not that I'm not guilty of projecting myself, yet I have never chosen to carry a feud endlessly and keep bickering and nitpicking at someone at every opportunity and constantly portraying them in a bad light with  negative accusatory false assumptions on their character, almost like a constant smear campaign. If you think that someone is a bad person in your eyes, is it really necessary for you to keep shouting your judgemental opinion(about that person) from the rooftops on the regular? Where's the decency in giving other's space to be themselves? Where is public civility? Why keep hammering your negative opinion of someone you don't like and keep announcing your dislike for them openly and publicly for everyone to see(what are you achieving other than triggering) , basically engaging in smearing them day to day (and you don't think this is bullying, no matter however mild, it still hurts and it still accumulates over time, nobody likes to be judged for the record and at least not in an incessant manner, it's low quality and hurtful behavior period, let's call it for what it is, Salacious gossip is not exactly a great experience ), what makes you think you're justified in constantly and publicly smearing others with your holier than thou attitude, aren't you targeting someone to make yourself feel superior or better, I have no problem if you simply state that you are a great person, I have no reason to see objection with that, yet that's not the case here, you're acting superior at the expense of someone else's humiliation and put down. You're basically putting me down, putting down my character and dignity, I am not the best person in the world (neither did I claim to be), but I deserve to not be smeared just like anyone else. I deserve to not be judged just like anyone else. Am I judging you? Absolutely no. I'm simply minding my own business. Do you like it if someone said bad things about you to others? What if someone called you a liar even when you didn't lie? It does hurt when someone says something about you to others that's not true however mild it might appear. It's basically slander, gossip and smearing, why make it personal to begin with? Why the need to make someone look bad in the name of truth - ism? And if you really want to engage in such slander and smearing, why do you think that it would be without consequences.  What makes you think you have the right to judge and proclaim such judgement openly and publicly to others. 

What if I went around and told people that you're the biggest scammer out there? Or even indirectly hinted at it? Would you enjoy such a comment about yourself? Then why write things about me and get a pass? 

If I can't get pass saying slanderous stuff about you, why should you either? 

I don't have the right or necessity to engage in drama if that drama doesn't involve my name in it. I tend to avoid mostly. 

Things only become personal when you make them personal. 

When did taking jabs at someone's personality become a publicly accepted civil behavior? Then why shouldn't we simply start taking jabs at one another and start a shitshow already, since it doesn't hurt right? You know why you enjoy this behavior? Because the majority is against me, so ganging up on me seems fun. Yet if you were at the center of being targeted brutally publicly and everyone is putting you down, taking jabs at you and making you feel small and unwanted, unworthy and demeaning, smearing your character and constantly taking shots at you in the name of criticism and you are defending yourself against a deluge of attacks from a hundred people who are hell bent on deciding your character for you, I don't think it's going to be a pleasurable experience exactly. I am not attacking your character, am I? Then why should such attacking be justified in my direction either? Are you super duper clean? I'm not pointing your flaws because it don't consider it good public policy to tell a person their flaws publicly, essentially making that person a vulnerable target for others to attack and hate. How exactly are you spreading love by demonizing other's character when you would be offended if someone said the same about you? What makes you such an efficient judge of character that you think going around telling others how they are so flawed is automatically the most accurate assessment of their personality? When did you get the right to determine that you could even walk up to someone and tell them an opinion you have of them and shove it down their throat and expect that they shouldn't feel violated? Yes I have negative opinions on several people too. But I don't go around telling them what I don't like about them. Where is individual liberty and dignity? Or do we simply get to destroy other's dignity and character at will? Even if a 100 people determined that a person is a pedophile, does it really mean that that person is a pedophile. Does public opinion make everything true? How can anyone be so sure that those 100 people aren't haters or people who simply love salacious gossip and slander. How fair is it to make someone an object of your public judgement, simply because they don't have many people to speak in their defense and reduce their character to something undesirable simply because you have the opportunity to do so? What if you were talked about in similar ways by many people? Would you feel accepted in such a community?  Would you feel loved and honored or would you feel demoralized, degraded and dejected at being judged brutally? ... There is a fine line between criticism and smearing. It's hard to navigate but the best public policy is to just avoid judging when it's only going to create more pain, hurt and frustration. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

*I also have the right to vent my frustrations if someone is constantly maligning my character. My character is a part of my personal self worth. 

In simple words the message is clear - 

*if you don't want me to retaliate, then don't enjoy attacking me. everything has consequences. 

Not my fault if you intentionally choose to be blind 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

With great difficulty I've seen the exit door. 

(what's the point of trying to impose your views on me, what comfort am I getting anyway, are you using me as your punching bag for your ego validation) 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm not going to let anyone take my light away. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I lub you. 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel thank you for loving me. 

 

[Preety_India]

Time to move on. 

 

[Preety_India]

I suck at being social and I'm aware of this. 

 

[Preety_India]

Can we please change the subject? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

How will I survive this winter? 

Harsh cold winds. 

I had a dream where I felt like I was already dead. 

I felt very traumatized

 

I wanted to hide and run away. 

My heart was pounding. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm constantly getting thoughts of putting a gun to my head.