My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

I feel very uncomfortable. 

I feel like killing myself. 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I went to the store and got this cake for my mom. It's her birthday, December 1

 

Although I have had a ton of fights with her, I still don't want her day ruined. I want her to feel happy. 

 

 

Also got these happy birthday candles. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

Sort sort sort sort.... This should be my bottom tag in every journal entry. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Finished celebrating my mom's birthday. Wrapped up. 

Pics taken after the celebration. 

 

 

Haha my mom's hand. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel omg I love you my sweet apple pie.?❤️?

 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

Lub Lub ❤️

I think our singing was a tad bit out of sync earlier, the came looks tasty  great hun 

*Keeeeeeeeees ?❤️

Ya I noticed that as well hun. 

The cake was great and soft. 

Loved it. 

*kisses you 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I lub lub this musique 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I just love this one as well. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

Puts a muffler around your neck. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I'm a person who has struggled with boundaries for the longest time, I thought I would offend my friends and acquaintances if I ever said something. I became very submissive over time, submitting to everyone's demands. 

I thought that being selfish was a bad thing because that's what my mom had taught me, every time I did something for myself I was made to feel guilty 

Long story short I went through many changes this year and one of those changes was to implement boundaries, confront people on their behavior, not put up with shit and find my own peace. So far so good, I have come a long way and I have become successful at doing this finally. 

I have learned to become a little more selfish and not let others vulture on me. 

How did I achieve this? 

1) First is to build your confidence to be able to say no 

Try it. Say a flat out no. This is for confidence building. If someone is offended, don't take responsibility for their feelings. Learn that true friends don't get offended and true people don't play victim to your basic needs. My ex boyfriend used to make a big deal if I slept off after a rough day at work. See? Don't allow such people in your life because they're only looking to meet their own needs at your expense. People who genuinely care about you won't throw a tantrum over you wanting your space. 

2) be aware of what you want. 

Be more self aware. Ask yourself questions. Investigate your own needs and limits. This way you already know how much you can give to someone in terms of resources and time. 

3) Be direct and use a tiny amount of social tact. 

This is a bit tricky. Often when we are too direct, people are hurt. I used to be indirect. If you give excuses about why you can't socialize, you'll always keep finding more excuses. For example if you said, "hey, I can't attend the party, because I have work to do." This works in the moment but then you have to keep giving the same excuse every time someone invites you. Instead be direct yet non offensive like, "hey, I generally do not prefer attending parties. You have a good time." in this manner you end it for good and the person doesn't bug you again. Don't say anything like, "I don't have time for you, " that's too harsh and personal. Always make direct statements without making it too personal. Use "I" in an affirmative and assertive way, for example instead of saying  "why are you asking this?" simply state - "I don't like answering such questions." this way you put the burden of your boundaries being respected on the other person by stating yourself assertively and affirmatively. But instead of saying "I don't like/want to answer you," (that you make it too personal and without tact) make it more tactful and impersonal "I don't like answering such questions." 

The form of communication you use is absolutely important to convey the right impression and still maintain your social image intact. This is tricky and requires you using a lot of Nuance here and there. 

4) asserting boundaries is absolutely important. Initially you can be soft. If the other person doesn't comply or tries to resist your polite request, then be firm about what you want and don't budge or submit. 

Also work on self esteem and people pleasing tendencies. I had low self esteem and I couldn't turn people down. Now I do it effortlessly. 

I have adopted the "I don't give a fuck attitude" and truly it works wonders. Once you stop caring what people think about you, you can finally rest easy and be yourself. And don't worry about socialization, because people who truly wish to respect your time and feelings will always be by your side. Those who are offended by you wanting your own space and time can Fuck Off. 

Good luck and have a nice day! 

(first time giving a structured answer.. Lol) 

 

 

 

Edited December 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Last night I had a dream that someone tried to follow me on this forum and they exist in my followers list. 

The moment I woke up I immediately clicked on Actualized.org/forum and checked my followers list. Nobody there. Because I know for sure that I had disabled it long ago. Thank God nobody can follow me anymore. Don't want that pathetic shit. 

What a cringey dream!!!! 

 

[Preety_India]

 

This is something I experienced as well. 

My ex used to get attracted to bitchy women who would give him a hard time. The attraction stems from thinking that women who are bitchy have some unique potential or they are special or have many men falling for them, that's why they don't care. 

When I asked him why doesn't he leave me and approach that bitchy woman he was flirting with? He said that there were many men falling at her feet and that he can't see himself in her league??? You see? Men automatically assume that a woman acting bitchy is doing so because she is out of their league. It's shitty thinking I know and I personally detest it so much. 

I had made a thread long ago about how jerks get a better treatment in society and humble people are looked down on and mistreated. 

This goes along the same principle. Women fall for this as well when they are too impressed by a jackass who is treating them bad and look down on a nice guy who is ready to treat her with respect. 

It's the whole narcissism deal. Where narcissistic people appear attractive to us and humble people appear low value. This is human nature in terms of social hierarchy and power. Its kinda pathetic but this is what I observed. 

Since then I have stopped being too sweet or polite or trying to please. It gets taken the wrong way. 

Now if someone takes my kindness and tries to mistreat me, I simply put my foot down and tell them to get lost. I often see these same people chasing after me once I tell them off. Funny how this dynamic works. 

 

 

 

 

 

*I always seem to struggle with meeting my goals.. 

*mind goes blank again 

*Cue prompts. Sort sort sort sort. Time to sort the mess

 

 

Edited December 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I have anxiety around medical issues.. I get hyper anxious if the doctor mentions something.

I have been assigned a cancer test for the month of January and I'm getting extremely anxious about it everyday. I just can't sleep. I can't let go. I feel neurotic. I'm in my 20s.

I already did a cancer test back in 2019 and it was negative. 

This is because my mom had cancer (something like cervical cancer and she underwent a surgery and she recovered successfully) 

Most likely the test is going to be negative. But the doctor wants me to do these tests just in case so that I'm always aware beforehand like a safety precaution. 

But every time they assign me a test, I recoil back in fear. I don't like a hospital environment. It reignites my trauma because I was a child when I saw my father in a hospital struggling for life. 

I try to stay away from the whole hospital medical thingy. It always gets me super nervous just approaching a medical building. 

I also have a fear of doctors. I see a doctor and his apron and I feel very nervous. 

How can I mentally prepare for the cancer test? 

For the same reason I suffered nightmares about Covid. 

I was afraid of Covid because I didn't want to be in a hospital.

At some point it was okay for me to die from Covid but it wasn't okay to be in a hospital. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

At this point I'm just praying that my medical problems go away.. 

I'm a bit lazy around it, I confess. 

 

I know that I'm not sounding logical and practical. I get super nervous. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm so so happy today. 

 

[Preety_India]

I spent some quality time with my mom. Watched a movie with her. This is probably after 4 years of not talking to her. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm addicted to entertainment now.. 

[Preety_India]

30 minutes ago, Marcel said:

*Takes all of your anxiety and worry away 

I honestly wish I could do more. If I was there physically I’d go with you, hold your hand and tell you that everything’s going to be okay.

I love you Hannu bun 

*Keeeeeeeeeeeeees ?❤️

 

Aww

 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't know how to feel exactly right now.