My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

I need to start taking care of things.. 

[Preety_India]

I just love this Bengal Cat 

 

[Preety_India]

I can watch this video forever. 

https://youtube.com/shorts/uhKsyyS6_W0?feature=share

[Preety_India]

 

But what I've found is a lot of people who use discord really don't care for self improvement. They just want the dopamine hit of getting into stupid conversations, e drama and all that other stupid bs. That's why I'm glad corners of the internet like this forum exist where there is some quality.  it's not a bad idea WMA.  Also yes I spelled server wrong in the video, sue me.

 

[Preety_India]

I'm just not feeling good. 

 

[Preety_India]

I need to take some time off 

 

[Preety_India]

metatheoretical, conscious, inclusive, holistic, systemic view.

 

[Preety_India]

I still feel better now. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Oh God 

Please protect me from narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. 

Protect me from all the evil and help me with my difficult life. 

 

[Preety_India]

30 minutes ago, Marcel said:

It’s going to be okay. I feel you 

I love you my sweet Hannu bun 

Everything’s going to be alright 

*Puts my arms around you comfortingly 

Omg I want to hug you. I love you. 

 

[Preety_India]

I would like to make friends in any other place but not this place, not this forum. 

Here I always felt unaccepted, unloved, hated, spied on. 

 

 

I have never been shown "trust" by anyone in my family or past friends. It's hard.

I always feel like I'm walking a razor's edge. Always paranoid about my survival. 

 

My mother is sweet one day and next day she acts like "I'm not your mother"... It gives rise to feelings of abandonment. 

 

I can't trust my sibling either. It feels awful. 

 

I just don't know what to do. I feel lost sometimes. 

The family trauma is pretty severe. 

 

Sometimes I feel like praying to God because I feel alone and insecure. Afraid, scared, uncertain about my future. 

I don't know why I feel like my family is going to abandon me. I feel like something is up. 

 

I don't know how to face these circumstances. Being alone facing all this feels awful. As if someone is watching me die. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have a very strong belief in God. I hope God finds a way. 

[Preety_India]

It's very tough to fight a narcissistic psychopath. 

 

[Preety_India]

I want to start believing in God in a more intense manner. 

A letter to my family member 

To my Family Member, this is to you —

You took my father's life. This is serious. He didn't deserve to die. I wish I could save him and I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life, the PTSD that you gave me. You miserable retard. You awful awful awful psychopath. You had no right to take his life. And I tried very hard to deal with this trauma. No more of your bullshit promises to help our family. Get the hell out. 

I know I'm weak although I appear strong. I don't want to hear your sob story. My ex boyfriend Joseph used to say that I'm brainwashed, that you are a very wicked person who is trying to hurt, rather than help. Joseph was a big help. Today I'm crying, tears flooding my eyes, remembering everything Joseph said. I know that Joseph was abusive and hurt me in many ways, he was a narcissist, yet at least he had a conscience. He knew that something bad is happening with me. He was aware of the exploitation. I thank him for opening my eyes. 

You'll never read this. But you will never be in peace. And that's your karma. You did wrong to our family. You used my family as a weapon in your sick twisted gameplan. You told a lot of wrong things to people to destroy us. My father told you something important before he died. And I think you are such a horrible betrayer, shame on you. I hope I will never have to deal with you again. You can always justify whatever you did, but the pain that you gave me by taking my father's life is unconscionable and I'll have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life. You had zero conscience in that moment. I hope your karma catches up with you. He deserved to die a natural death which you didn't allow because of your extreme greed. What you made me do is extremely traumatic because I was just a teenager who looked up to you for support and you made me commit a sin. You used me for your twisted plan 

You are a schemer, a narcissist, a psychopath. You destroyed my dreams. You destroyed my health. You destroyed my trust. You destroyed our whole family. I hope God serves you right. 

My tears today are not in vain. It's a testament of the pain and scars that you gave me. I hope nobody has a family member like you because you are like a cult leader who gives false promises of a better life only to ruin and break trust and exploit. 

You're like Jim Jones. You can ruin lives. 

Today my mom saw your real face and realized who you are. 

You'll never change obviously because your blood is bad, blood doesn't change easily. 

I hope and pray that I get freedom from you.

I hope and pray that I'm liberated from your cult and that a loving God takes care of me. 

There is justice in this world. I believe in Hindu religion. It talks about justice and peace. "No justice, no peace." it's powerful. Until we get justice as a family, until I get justice as a daughter. Until my father gets justice. I won't die easily... 

I hope God stands by me and shelters me from your future evil because I know that you are looking for more victims. 

Repent repent repent... And stop victimizing in the name of victimhood. 

I have no mercy for you. I just have pity for you. I have known you now. 

Whatever you did was a grave sin, a crime. You killed somebody and got away with it.. But God watches you. I also know that you have absolutely no remorse for what you did because you don't even remember my father. 

But even if my life is a total garbage, it served a purpose. I lived, however. Just the way my dad did. Everything is not money. 

I hope God gives a sweater and blanket to those who feel cold this winter, I hope God saves the homeless. I hope God gives strength to the weak and tired. 

 

For a very long time I felt helpless and weak because I had no money. Absolutely no money. I have some money now. But I still feel helpless. I felt weak, helpless, tired, fragile, abandoned, depressed, uncared for although I had huge grit to live life despite my terrible circumstances growing up. I felt dependent, weak, codependent. ( My soul will never rest in peace because of whatever happened to my dad.) 

I felt dependent, immature, helpless, afraid, lacking in Self confidence. I always felt anxious and I felt like I couldn't do things. I felt incapacitated, incapable, disabled because my mind was not able to believe that I could do things. I felt like I was simply incapable. This was for a very long time. 

But I want to end that cycle of codependency.. 

I want to feel like I can do things. I want to feel strong, I want to feel confident, I want to feel secure and self confident. I want to feel independent and matured. And not just feel, but also make things actually happen. I want to feel like I can handle things instead of feeling helpless.. 

Please God help me to become, strong, secure and independent and get rid of this cultish family that I'm a part of. 

Give me freedom or give me death 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

So here's the deal. Although I hate my mother a shit ton(because she was fucking abusive to me growing up and what she did was truly fucked up and I try to find a place of compromise with her) , I still have mercy on her pitiful soul. And I feel I like life is preparing me for a bigger struggle. She is bipolar and has other medical issues so she is definitely not going to last long. But I don't want her to die because I got some accounts to settle with her, some checks and balances, I need to reconcile with her before she escapes to heavenly abode so I do it right before she is gone. This is a huge emotional responsibility on me. I get this gnawing feeling that the other family member <who I hate to call my blood > is probably waiting for my mother to die so that they can get money???? Whatever maybe the reason. I feel like I am tasked with this responsibility to stand up for my mother's rights. I could not do the same for my father because I was just a clueless teen when he died and I failed to protect him, for which I'll forever suffer from survivor's fucking guilt (sorry for being full of rage, but all the trauma causes me to fly into rage and upset) 

 

My question is how do I feel strong and independent in these circumstances? How to not feel helpless and incapacitated? 

 

How do I feel independent and matured and strong enough to fight my oncoming struggle for which I need to be mentally prepared, like my mother's medical issues, my pending reconciliation with her, the impending doom of her death and dealing with a narcissistic psychopath who is hell bent on taking all her money and is constantly trying to make things difficult so that we fall into dire straits and she ends up suiciding or dying. I mean my psychic feelings are strong. I knew my father was going to die one week before he actually died (my brain somehow told me like a fucking premonition). Now I'm getting a premonition again that bad things are to come because of this pathetic psychopath who is deliberately trying to ruin things for my mom by brainwashing her and making me and her feel helpless with constant depressing discussions. 

This person also told me to take a rope and chair a few months back. 

 

But my mother is emotionally dependent on this psychopath and constantly listens to them. 

I feel helpless the way I felt helpless during my father's death. 

I'm sorry for the strong hard language but I deal with a lot of family trauma and it sends me into anger and insanity 

[Preety_India]

 

Even if my mother is abusive she deserves to live and I want her to live long, as long as possible no matter what because she is my mom and I don't want to lose her to this psychopath who is trying to use manipulation. 

 

Maybe I'm selfish in wanting her to live long so that I can feel safe (my own psychopathy visible here, you can also call it codependency but I still love my mom and I wish things were different.) 

Am I incapable of loving someone? 

Am I too selfish? 

Is it wrong to be selfish? 

 

[Preety_India]

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and the month of December is my father's death anniversary. So it's making me very emotional. 

18th December  is my father's death anniversary 

 

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel you are my hope and you are my star.

Whenever I think of you, I feel unusually happy and safe. I'm in clouds. I escape into dreamspace. 

 

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I will protect you with my life If I have to.

I love and adore you my sweet honey bun 

Together forever. I’m with you till the end ❤️

Thank you my apple pie. 

 

[Preety_India]

My sibling should have been in fucking jail. Because it's murder.