My personal feelings part 1

[Preety_India]

Yup this is how it goes. 

 

[Preety_India]

Finally. 

[Preety_India]

Things are looking good from now on. 

I can stay positive hopefully.

I still feel like I lack in confidence. 

 

[Preety_India]

Been feeling nervous since morning. 

 

[Preety_India]

This forum is useless.. People just bully each other here.. 

I'll put the whole forum on ignore. 

I'll never interact on the forum again except very very few threads. Just rarely ever. 

People tend to gossip too much here and don't keep to themselves which I don't like at all. 

Defeats the whole purpose of why this forum was built.. 

I took too much nonsense here. 

One moderator told me that this forum is like being with an abusive lover. I'm like, no thanks. 

 

Time to not talk to anyone here. Please forget me. Bye folks. I never have a good experience here and this is probably my last. 

There is no point in taking breaks either. It's the same bullshit again and again. 

I won't talk to anyone except my partner. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I thought I could have a new life here again. But no. It won't happen no matter how much I try. 

 

Bye forum 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Did you forget about the rd idea and custom sort? 

 

[Preety_India]

https://www.actualized.org/forum/forum/16-self-actualization-journals/?sortby=forums_topics.last_post&sortdirection=desc&page=1

 

[Preety_India]

Sort sort sort sort sort 

 

[Preety_India]

It's like I'm not even going to be there. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to take stock of my life 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I suffered so much narcissistic abuse with my mom. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I will need to work harder on myself. 

 

[Preety_India]

In a way I'm grateful to this forum for a pathetic experience. I learned a lot that I wasn't really missing out on too much by avoiding people, in fact rather the opposite, I was simply dodging the bullet. It taught me a lot  about interaction, social skills, social media, ego battles, people pleasing, validation, cyber bullying, gang behavior, tribalism, bandwagon effect, social decency, mannerisms, social awareness, social tact, personality disorders, public obsession, covert narcissism, social gaming, e-drama, chat behavior, etc. 

In a way I'm grateful to this forum for a pathetic experience. I learned a lot that I wasn't really missing out on too much by avoiding people, in fact rather the opposite, I was simply dodging the bullet. It taught me a lot  about interaction, social skills, social media, ego battles, people pleasing, validation, cyber bullying, gang behavior, tribalism, bandwagon effect, social decency, mannerisms, social awareness, social tact, personality disorders, public obsession, covert narcissism, social gaming, e-drama, chat behavior, etc.

 

And.....cybersecurity, cyberstalking, dangers of social media, pettiness, psycho behaviors

The forum was like a crash course with respect to all of this. 

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I also learned that social tact would have prevented me from making enemies online on a platform like this and I greatly underestimated the value of social tact. I tried to be as authentic as possible but I paid the ultimate price and ended up with a ton of haters. 

Authenticity doesn't work online. People judge you instead of appreciating you. 

Diplomacy and tact are very useful components in online interactions. 

I only realized it now.. It's a difficult learning curve. 

Especially difficult for a person like me who has zero social skills and is generally socially anxious. 

 

[Preety_India]

When I left the forum on September 29, I made so many  changes subsequently to my personality and interactions. I grew really fast.. Yet I was still lacking.. 

Maturity was still not very accessible to me partly because I hardly ever had any time to consciously reflect how things are going... 

Everything is always going at jet speed in my life. 

Everything around me is constantly changing. 

With a narcissist mother, getting anything done is a huge problem. 

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I worked day and night hard to get where I am. 

I did everything in my power to halt my family from ruining my life. 

It felt like I was fucked up from the get go, there was little hope as to what could be improved. 

 

It years and years to overcome childhood trauma and even then you aren't fully capable of getting past it. 

For me professional therapy is difficult because it is simply inaccessible and with therapists there is an arduous task of selecting the right one. 

Many therapists just don't understand you. They misjudge you or tell you something that doesn't help. Or dominate you too much. 

I have been to therapy before. The experience is less than satisfactory. They hardly gave me any time. Their fees are exorbitant for generic advice. They would listen to me for 45 mins and then tell me — "you have anxiety disorder" 

I know that I have anxiety disorder since the age of 14. Anything new?? 

Like if I'm spending money on a therapist, I would want to know a little more on what's wrong with me or a little more on what can be done. 

 

[Preety_India]

My life is like waiting at the airport. 

It's like I'm sitting with my bag in the waiting lounge of an airport desperately waiting for the flight. And all I have to do is simply wait anxiously for the next destination to come by 

There is hardly any time to either meditate or exercise or anything else. 

Indians on average live the most stressful lives on planet earth. Partly because of socio-economics. We can never have the privileges of the West. Indians are always On the go. 

Indians also have huge families that makes everything complicated and stressful. Ironically Indians are the ones that need meditation and rest more than any ethnic race on the planet. 

Our lives are hyper stressful because of the constant pressure placed on us with regard to money, social status, success, marriage, family life etc. 

Being an Indian is basically a crash course on how to "grow the fuck up in the least amount of time." 

Being an Indian means there is absolutely no time or opportunity to make error. You are basically walking on knife's edge. You make one error and you go down. Indian survival can be brutal. 

You can't afford to be a drug addict or a mentally ill person in India/ Indian society. You have no luxury to fuck up. There is a good reason. Because there is no rehab. You are on your own. There is no sugar daddy to save you. There is no government. There is no money. There is no disability or welfare. So you better learn your shit or be ready to go 6 feet under the ground. That kind of pure stage Red survival can teach you how to grow the fuck up pretty quickly. 

Indian kids display a high degree of maturity early on. Because we are molded early on to show conformity and discipline. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

When I left the forum on September 29, I was very happy. I had a strange relationship with this forum, partly because I shared so much of my life writing here. I opened up so much, you can say that caused me to develop an emotional bond with the forum, like a trauma bond. 

With great difficulty I cut those bonds. 

Will it even matter if I'm dead or alive? 

 

I shared the most deepest intimate private personal moments and experiences of my life in my journals here. Some of which I never even shared with my own mom. But I shared them here, my deepest wounds and pains. 

When you open up like that, it's a cathartic release.. 

I let my wounds bare...here.

 

[Preety_India]

I took a break from the forum for the whole month of October and I came back in November. I thought people would have forgotten me and perhaps they will stop speculating about me. 

Nope. 

 

Same old. The same old nonsense where I'm used as a punching bag. 

So with some deliberation, I have decided to leave the forum once again, this time for good. 

It's not a place for me, it will never be. It never was. 

Here people don't like me. I have realized and accepted this cold hard truth. There is nothing else to it. 

You simply have to move on after realizing things. Your journey is alone, you are on your own.. 

Thankfully I at least have one person who loves me and doesn't make me feel alone or rather the one that makes me truly happy. His is @Marcel and he is my partner and I think I should be happy with that. He has given me that nobody could give me in my entire life until now. He heals me and understands me like nobody else in my past ever. Nobody really understood me.