So when sitting in silence, thoughts come, an identity is attached

[Nadosa]

But this identity, it makes no sense, at least to me anymore, my mind is freaking out, Ive been sitting for days now shivering at the thought that I dont exist. Its not a thought. Its like I sit, a story comes up, an 'I' is attached, this story belongs to "me" then, but the fuck, this ME is not there. I dont know anymore. Its like I cant undo this realization anymore. I mean this story identity also feels so much like me. What the fuck am I then? My mind tries to find an identity, but just the meaning "identity" triggers it too. 

It's currently like awareness vs. the believing Im the mind, but what am I ?!

I feel like Ill be the only one left when letting go.

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by Nadosa

[tsuki]

The mind is conditioned by beliefs. Some of them express experience honestly, some don't.

You do exist, but not as a 'me' that is contained with a body. This is a false belief. You suffer because of it.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

Sounds like existential rumination. What emotion arises? What thought feels better, more relieving? 

“Its not a thought.”

Yes, it is. Return attention to feeling breathing from the stomach.

”I dont know anymore.”

If you didn’t know, you’d feel amazing, and you wouldn’t have made this thread. It’s what you believe you know which is discordant, not what you don’t know.  Specifically, what you believe you know about a past experience. That belief is discordant to that there is only the present. 

“Undo this realization” 

That’s another thought. There hasn’t been any realization yet. This is rumination. Humbly return attention to feeling breathing from the stomach. 

Write in your expression journal about how you’re feeling. Understand it by using the scale. 

“I feel like Ill be the only one left when letting go”

That’s not feeling or an emotion, that’s a thought.  That the thought is discordant reveals to you that you believe something is wrong or unacceptable about you. Accept that fact that it is your judgement which feels discordant. 

Stubbornness never helped anyone. 

Get feeling oriented experiences on your calendar. Here’s a broad list. 

[LastThursday]

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

it makes no sense, at least to me anymore, my mind is freaking out

At least you know you're not your mind, as you don't exist. If you are your mind, then clearly you still exist.