Commitment phobia in men - HELP

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfZc7t9-LtU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbCHnbDRnkQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40iyQpOl-e0

[Flowerfaeiry]

If you feel so inclined, I wanted to suggest a book to you: Dear Lover by David Deida. It doesn't deal specifically with commitment but it will help you understand the mind of a man in relationship. Very enlightening. 

[Loba]

Hello, I am a woman but I have commitment anxiety, and a fearful-ambivalent personality/bonding type.
It isn't easy getting someone commitment phobic to get into a relationship.
Therapy can help with it, I've been thinking of trying it for my phobias, but I can't afford a good therapist right now.

I don't know how you would broach that topic, though. 

Do you think it is just that he is this way with everyone or just doesn't want to commit to you?

[Leo Gura]

41 minutes ago, Loba said:

a fearful-ambivalent personality/bonding type.

Psychedelics

[Loba]

@Leo Gura Maybe in the future this would be an option, I have bipolar 1 and am on medication for it and am stable at the moment and would not want to mess that up, I'd have to go off the meds - but for those who are not on meds and are mentally healthy that would probably work, I have tried shrooms in the past and did notice that they arranged my psyche more holistically while I was on them but was too young at the time and knew nothing of spirituality to really use them right.  Someday I'll try again but that won't be for a few years at least.

How does a psychedelic heal bonding traumas?

[Vzdoh]

43 minutes ago, Loba said:

Hello, I am a woman but I have commitment anxiety, and a fearful-ambivalent personality/bonding type.
It isn't easy getting someone commitment phobic to get into a relationship.
Therapy can help with it, I've been thinking of trying it for my phobias, but I can't afford a good therapist right now.

I don't know how you would broach that topic, though. 

Do you think it is just that he is this way with everyone or just doesn't want to commit to you?

Nothing to do with me. He is like this his entire life. I think he is FA - fearful avoidant. I told him that he is scared of commitment. We broke up. But he was super into me and still is i think. But fear is bigger than feelings,because that fear is about getting him safe when love is associated with pain and unsafety. 

That's what u do, u run. 

If u want to work on your attachment trauma, check out Teal Swan completion process. Worked wonders for me. 

11 hours ago, Thunder Kiss said:

At it’s core it’s a fear of being really seen.  That’s actually terrifying.  You can’t make someone want to be seen.  
Best you can do is be there for them to open up when they are ready, and that might mean ending the relationship if you don’t want to wait for someone. 

@Superfluo @Leo Gura 

[Leo Gura]

21 minutes ago, Loba said:

How does a psychedelic heal bonding traumas?

God's Love heals everything.

Unconditional love will melt away all your karma and eventually even your physical body if you stay in it long enough.

[Vzdoh]

2 hours ago, Raze said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfZc7t9-LtU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbCHnbDRnkQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40iyQpOl-e0

12 hours ago, Thunder Kiss said:

 

@Superfluo @Leo Gura not my case. I am not in a limbo. And these videos assume a relatively healthy and mature individual. If you have trauma and avoidant personality disorder it's a totally different ball game. 

[Vzdoh]

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

God's Love heals everything.

Agree. Source love is the answer. But to connect to it, one need to be brave to face the fears and work with them. The more fears you face and process, the easier it becomes to connect to the source love. 

I had an experience where I felt connected to source love it was one of the most amazing feelings and experiences I ever had. Better than any tantric sex or anything. U r just full of love for yourself and others and you see suffering around you and your heart is filled with compassion. 

Literally nothing beats this! 

[Flowerfaeiry]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Psychedelics

So everyone knows, in most cases it takes more than psychedelics to heal attachment wounds.
 

More often what happens is the psychedelic will show the way and what is possible and the individual then does the work from there. 
 

Some psychedelics do heal like a medicine, particularly when used with trained facilitators. 
 

But it’s not like you drop mushrooms and automatically heal

[zazen]

'' You make your first commitments, and happily give up a little bit of freedom in exchange for a little bit of stability. You create comfort through devices—habit, ritual, pet names—that bring reassurance. But the excitement was bound to a certain measure of insecurity. You gained excitement from the uncertainty, and now, by seeking to harness it, you wind up draining the vitality out of the relationship. You enjoy the comfort, but complain that you feel constrained. You miss the spontaneity. In your attempt to control the risks of passion, you have tamed it out of existence. Marital boredom is born. While love promises us relief from aloneness, it also heightens our dependence on one person. It is inherently vulnerable.

 

The tension between security and adventure is a paradox to manage, not a problem to solve. It is a puzzle. “Can you hold the awareness of each polarity? You need each at different times, but you can’t have both at the same time. Can you accept that? It’s not an either-or situation, but one where you get the benefits of each and also recognize the limits of each. It’s an ebb and flow.” Love and desire are two rhythmic yet clashing forces that are always in a state of flux and always looking for the balance point. ''

 

- Esther Perel 

Edited November 10, 2021 by zazen

[gettoefl]

not scared of committing in any measure

however i keep my house, my money, my path (and preferably you are keeping yours too)

happy to share activities, outgoings, kids, pets, elderly parents

real simple though not suitable for most

[Lyubov]

Anyone know any good books on this? This is exactly what I'm working on currently. Deeper intimacy and the most deepest and profound sex with the woman I love in exchange for some of my freedom. 

[zazen]

30 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

Anyone know any good books on this? This is exactly what I'm working on currently. Deeper intimacy and the most deepest and profound sex with the woman I love in exchange for some of my freedom. 

Mating in captivity by Esther Perel 

[roopepa]

On 9.11.2021 at 4:03 PM, Leo Gura said:

I got news for ya, any guy that you sleep with was attracted to your body before he learned anything about you.

I know from direct experience this is not true.

Your views on sex and intimacy sucks.

[RendHeaven]

On 11/9/2021 at 7:48 AM, Leo Gura said:

If a guy waited to only have sex with girls he was willing to commit to, he would be starving like a homeless dog waiting for years for the right girl to come along.

Oh that explains me~

[Byun Sean]

The benefits of a relationship have to greatly outweigh the benefits of being single and having freedom for time and energy.

 

The more self actualized the guy is, the more difficult it will be to get commitment from him because his life is that much better single anyways and 

has countless options.

 

Commitment takes time, energy, and can be very emotionally risky and laborious at times for a guy. 

 

To have a chance to be with this kind of guy the girl also needs to be very self actualized and exceptional herself to attract him and even then its not

guaranteed. 

[Nahm]

14 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

But to connect to it, one need to be brave to face the fears and work with them. The more fears you face and process, the easier it becomes to connect to the source love.

That’s conjecture from conditioning. 

[Spiral]

My resistance to committed relationships has nothing to do with girls I’ve dated or that want to have a lot of girls sexually. If I have my needs meet I’m happy. 
 

My issue comes from what I see in my family, friends and colleagues relationships. Their relationship to me seem terrible and toxic. With the expectation of my grandparents I don’t know anyone who’s relationship I’d describe as even decent.

 

Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mean it’s the girl/wife that’s terrible. Some times it is, sometimes it’s the guy in the relationship. Sometimes there both great but just not a good match. Yet they all stay together anyway. With kids, marriage, a shared economy and the laziness that come from having a partner I get it. I don’t want that to be me. That is what I fear and associate with commitment, because it means that I’m serious. 
 

In addition I don’t care for commitment, I’m not the jealous type so I don’t feel like it has intrinsic value.

[Vzdoh]

15 hours ago, zazen said:

'' You make your first commitments, and happily give up a little bit of freedom in exchange for a little bit of stability. You create comfort through devices—habit, ritual, pet names—that bring reassurance. But the excitement was bound to a certain measure of insecurity. You gained excitement from the uncertainty, and now, by seeking to harness it, you wind up draining the vitality out of the relationship. You enjoy the comfort, but complain that you feel constrained. You miss the spontaneity. In your attempt to control the risks of passion, you have tamed it out of existence. Marital boredom is born. While love promises us relief from aloneness, it also heightens our dependence on one person. It is inherently vulnerable.

 

The tension between security and adventure is a paradox to manage, not a problem to solve. It is a puzzle. “Can you hold the awareness of each polarity? You need each at different times, but you can’t have both at the same time. Can you accept that? It’s not an either-or situation, but one where you get the benefits of each and also recognize the limits of each. It’s an ebb and flow.” Love and desire are two rhythmic yet clashing forces that are always in a state of flux and always looking for the balance point. ''

 

- Esther Perel 

22 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

God's Love heals everything.

Love Esther Parel. Trying to accept the paradox and make it work for me.