Commitment phobia in men - HELP

[Leo Gura]

6 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

It's almost like it is as difficult as flipping your mind.

If you got a solid method for flipping guys from fear of intimacy, you can become a millionaire selling that method to every woman on the planet

Girl's version of How To Get Laid:

How To Get Your Man To Commit To You

[Vzdoh]

8 minutes ago, Superfluo said:

Will you talk about this in the series about conscious relationship? I guess the dichotomy freedom-intimacy is a huge and critical factor in relationship which needs to be fully understood by people.

That would be amazing. And make it short if possible, not 2 hours. ???

If it's 2 hours, I can't send him the link to watch ??

[Vzdoh]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

If you got a solid method for flipping guys from fear of intimacy, you can become a millionaire selling that method to every woman on the planet

Girl's version of How To Get Laid:

How To Get Your Man To Commit To You

@Superfluo @Leo Gura 

Plenty of these methods online but they don't work cause they use manipulation and not a change of a fundamental belief at its core. 

[mandyjw]

2 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

 

Plenty of these methods online but they don't work cause they use manipulation and not a change of a fundamental belief at its core. 

Manipulation would be pretending that you're happy in order to make him feel less pressured, in order to give him the space to commit. It's a means to an end. Actual change would be actually being happy. Happiness itself. I mean, if you're happy anyway, who actually gives a crap if you get what you want? Sure, it would be nice, but you're happy anyway. Coincidently happiness is just there after letting go of the assumedly needed outcome. 

[Etherial Cat]

6 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

If you got a solid method for flipping guys from fear of intimacy, you can become a millionaire selling that method to every woman on the planet

Girl's version of How To Get Laid:

How To Get Your Man To Commit To You

Curing the average guy of his fear of intimacy feels more desperate than teaching mules algebra. 

But you might be into something. 

[Vzdoh]

1 minute ago, mandyjw said:

Manipulation would be pretending that you're happy in order to make him feel less pressured, in order to give him the space to commit. It's a means to an end. Actual change would be actually being happy. Happiness itself. I mean, if you're happy anyway, who actually gives a crap if you get what you want? Sure, it would be nice, but you're happy anyway. Coincidently happiness is just there after letting go of the assumedly needed outcome. 

@Superfluo @Leo Gura 

Who said that I am unhappy on my own? 

He is a great human being with an amazing heart and I want him in my life. 

It doesn't mean though that I see him as a means to an end or a source of my happiness. Its actually a reverse, I want to bring joy into his life cause he lacks it and deserves to be happy. 

I am not talking about commitment as getting married and having kids. 

I am talking more of commitment phobia as inability to experience real connection and intimacy with someone because he feels frightened he will lose his freedom and himself. 

That's not the same thing. 

[PurpleTree]

3 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

It doesn't mean though that I see him as a means to an end or a source of my happiness. Its actually a reverse, I want to bring joy into his life cause he lacks it and deserves to be happy. 

then that could be a bit of a saviour complex on your side

[Haloman]

2 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

inability to experience real connection and intimacy with someone because he feels frightened he will lose his freedom and himself

Train your ass and his fear of intimacy will start to vanish along with his wrong fundamental beliefs...

Sorry, but someone had to tell this cold hard truth.

[mandyjw]

29 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

It doesn't mean though that I see him as a means to an end or a source of my happiness. Its actually a reverse, I want to bring joy into his life cause he lacks it and deserves to be happy. 

 I'm not saying you're not happy as a overarching judgement of your life. I'm talking about in the moment happiness. That's the only kind there is really. You actually think it will make YOU happy to make him happy. I mean, honestly, yeah, that's what we want, it's natural, it's an expression of love to want to make the other happy, to give them something more, to take them further, deeper. But it's indirect. It seems selfless. Directly, you DO want to be happy. So stop caring so much about how happy he is. Just care about your own vibe a bit more. What you will find is that your expression of honest happiness, (spontaneity, your vibe, however it happens to come out) will do the trick. It's infectious. You ruin it by worrying about getting results from it. In order to allow this infectiousness to occur it requires you not worrying about his own happiness or trying to judge the level of his own happiness and not thinking about how he is responding to you. 

It requires, sorta kinda, not giving a shit about him. In the name of love of course. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by mandyjw

[Thunder Kiss]

3 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

I am talking more of commitment phobia as inability to experience real connection and intimacy with someone because he feels frightened he will lose his freedom and himself. 

At it’s core it’s a fear of being really seen.  That’s actually terrifying.  You can’t make someone want to be seen.  
Best you can do is be there for them to open up when they are ready, and that might mean ending the relationship if you don’t want to wait for someone. 

[Vzdoh]

29 minutes ago, Thunder Kiss said:

At it’s core it’s a fear of being really seen.  That’s actually terrifying.  You can’t make someone want to be seen.  
Best you can do is be there for them to open up when they are ready, and that might mean ending the relationship if you don’t want to wait for someone. 

@Superfluo @Leo Gura 

Yeah! It is terrifying! Especially if he does not want to see himself too and running from himself. 

I do have a saviour complex of sorts. And too much empathy i guess - feeling what the other person is feeling. It's indeed terrifying. 

[SamC]

3 hours ago, Zeroguy said:

@SamC Control you? 

You are the man?! Learn and improve it is on you. 

@Zeroguy Lol. You don't get it. Controlling people and needing people to be in a certain way backfires and creates a self fulfilling prophecy. I have nothing to do with this dynamic.

If the girl is always like " where have you been?" " you don't really love me; you will leave me" " you think I am annoying" ----- it will become the reality.

Lastly, your entire point of not letting be controlled is this whole mechanism. You don't want to get controlled - that's why you will avoid committing to these girls.. but her having this attachment is not something you can control.

3 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@SamC define super attached? 

How does it show up for you? 

How do you sense the fear of you not committing in a woman? What does she do? Say? 

@Vzdoh If the girl is super attached she will "love" you so incredibly much and belive you will save her. She often tries to control who your friend group is, who you can hang out with or not and how much attention she should get. She can for example be extremly ubset if you forget to text her " in time"

This has showed up in almost all of the girls that I have had a relationship with or have been close to have a relationship with. I attract broken super attached girls.

I think there can be degrees to this.. but it's always repelling.. yet at the same time " toxic" attractive. It's a self destructive attraction becuase you feel so loved, but then at the same time so trapped.

 

Side note: 

I don't know where this came from but your NEED of him being intimate with you makes him scared of being it with you..  so the more you try, the harder he will resist. Take what you want from this.

Edited November 9, 2021 by SamC

[Superfluo]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

If you got a solid method for flipping guys from fear of intimacy

It already exists. It's called therapy

[ItsNick]

Well I personally fear commitment and intimacy because of the reality that I will lose some of my independence.

I also value some solitude and not having to deal with people for weeks sometimes because it's just a great way for me to be very productive and has proven to lead to success. And with friends it's much easier to socialize when desired and not when not desired.

 

At the same time (and I think this is true for most guys) I do desire intimacy, despite fearing it. It's just that the sacrifices are real.

So it makes sense that a guy would only commit if it's really worth it.

[SgtPepper]

Men have commitment phobia because they are immature and lack vision.

It's not enough to just give good sex to a man for him to commit.

You gotta be a wife. 

[Nahm]

4 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@Nahm so if I understand correctly, 

Both people in a relationship represent source love and they don't need or depend on one another to be directly related/connected to source love. In other words, both people are at all times independent and choose to be together to help each other to get more connected to source love energy. Then commitment is not even an issue because there is nothing to commit to? 

Am I following? 

Yes, that’s the gist of it. I’d add ‘getting more connected’, communion wise, is what’s happening in any and every relationship already, though it isn’t always understood, or recognized, or interpreted that way. But it is always nonetheless, felt that way. Practical examples would be found in understanding exactly why thoughts like lack of joy, loss of freedom, the need to compromise, and or commit, feel subtly discordant. 

[Username]

8 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

Have you experienced commitment phobia in your life? How did it show up? Were you able to address and resolve it? What specifically scared you to commit? 

Guys do not commit because they are not sure that this girl is right for them. If they do they compromise. It is different thing to have fun with someone, but staying with them (potentially) for the rest of life is a whole different story. Most relationships are formed only because people couldn't find a better partner.

Why would you want to be with a guy who isn't into you?

[Jacob Morres]

I don't feel afraid to commit I just haven't found one that lights my soul lol 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Lyubov]

This is one of the broader inner issues I'm working on in myself. Part of me still wants to play the field and have sex with different women. I'm fine falling deeply in love and having an amazing connection with an amazing woman but stuff like this does sort of get in the way of me loving fully in a really long term (1.5-2 year) relationship. Commitment to me basically means settling down and getting married. Not this sort of joke version of commitment in the west where a couple will date for like 6+ years and MAYBE get married, what a joke. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Lyubov

[Preety_India]

I think you should simply avoid a relationship where you can see signs that the guy is not committing. Problem solved. It's a waste of time giving all your attention and love to a man who is not committing. 

At the same time I would like to explore the reasons for not committing.. 

Like for example with my very first boyfriend, he wanted a career and a home and that's why he was putting off committment, he was ready to marry only if he could have enough money to raise a family. I wouldn't really label it as commitment phobia but rather a state of deprivation or a temporary hurdle. This happens in many relationships. 

In fact even if you found the "one and only" and both of you are really committed to each other, there can still be issues about moving in together, I mean financial issues etc. 

But if there is no other issue lagging the relationship then most likely the guy is simply not ready to commit. And he should probably let you know at some point. 

Like for example with my third relationship, I was the one trying to pull away from commitment. But it wasn't as simple as commitment phobia. Initially I was fully ready to commit with this guy.

Yet after spending a year with him I realized that he is not marriage material because he had been a cheater. He had acted in ways that can't possibly sustain a marriage. That's when I began to have second thoughts and I sorta withdrew my attachment and commitment to the guy. 

At a certain point I made it clear to him that if he wasn't going to change, I wasn't going to commit. 

So i guess with committment issues there are lots of different factors worth looking into. 

It's not as simple as "phobia" or "wanting the best girl" or "didn't land the best one" or "how to keep a man" or any of that nature. 

There are too many underlying factors and you could be extremely attractive and yet the relationship dynamic could be shaky and flimsy causing commitment issues. 

Don't judge yourself if a guy is not committed to you, especially if you do everything right in a relationship to the best of your capacity. Someone's insecurity shouldn't be your responsibility. 

If the guy doesn't feel like he wants to be with you, you can walk your way confidently into the arms of a man who truly wants you. 

Trust yourself. I had experiences where I felt the guy was not committed to me. Who cares? If he doesn't find me worthy then someone else will. 

Raise your confidence as a woman where a man no longer gets to decide your worth or attractiveness. 

You decide and choose the man you want. 

And if he is not into you, you can find a man who is into you and wants you. 

 

And by doing that you aren't lowering any standards, you're finding what is worth being with.