Commitment phobia in men - HELP

[Vzdoh]

Hey guys, 

Question to men of this forum. 

Have you experienced commitment phobia in your life? How did it show up? Were you able to address and resolve it? What specifically scared you to commit? 

I am Especially interested in feedback from men who are very independent and self reliant but still want a relationship. 

[Zeroguy]

Do want to state opinion but will skip it. 

Yes there are such man.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Zeroguy

[SamC]

I've experienced that I am scared to commit because the girls become super attached to me ( reliet on me) and if it then don't work out for whatever reason there will be immense suffering for both.

Her fear of me not committing to her becomes  a self fulfilling prophecy because she tries to control me and then I end up not wanting to try at all, because I know that the consequences will be severe if I commit and then change my mind.

Edited November 9, 2021 by SamC

[Valach]

Hi!

I definitly do have a commitment issues and I am trying to work through them as of now but didn't get to the root of the problem yet. I don't think I have that much problem with opening myself to the woman or with being intimate, I actually find myself quite enjoying these things. What I struggle with is dissapointing people. I am afraid to commit to a girl, because I always have a feeling like I am gonna loose interest and leave evetually and the girl will be hurt so I don't want to do it. In the end I stay with the girl anyway but more like in half in half out way, which hurts them even more so it's not really productive. I also think, I have a typical fuckboy mentality(cause by pickup and my friends), where I think that attractive male should be single and sleeping around and essentially I see men in relationship as losers and fuckboys as cool guys. Definitly an ego thing (Even my girlfriends of 6 months told me that -> that eventhough I am not sleeping with anyone else, I still have a lot of player aura around me). I am realizing that huuuuge part of my desire to sleep around is to just boost my ego - though I must admit, it seems unfair or unjust to just drop that for relationship, when my gf experienced those things.

[Valach]

23 minutes ago, SamC said:

 

Her fear of me not committing to her becomes  a self fulfilling prophecy because she tries to control me and then I end up not wanting to try at all, because I know that the consequences will be severe if I commit and then change my mind.

Exactly this!

[hyruga]

Of course there is commitment issue.

Every guy can only commit to one girl and vice versa.

And there's many other factors to consider as well: her family, her religion, personality etc 

[Raptorsin7]

9 hours ago, hyruga said:

Of course there is commitment issue.

Every guy can only commit to one girl and vice versa.

And there's many other factors to consider as well: her family, her religion, personality etc 

There doesn't have to be commitment issues in a relationship. You're stating it like it's a fact of reality.

A person must be psychology/emotionally ready/willing to enter into a committed relationship. If a person is not ready, it will be almost impossible to form a healthy and satisfying relationship. I think it's also possible to help someone develop, but I think this can only work if the other person is committed to change.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Raptorsin7

[Nahm]

When a relationship and the activities therein are thought of as a substitute for communion, commitment does seem to come into play and be an issue. When two people are in communion, the thinking, theory, duality, or need of commitment doesn’t arise, or, is a non-existent-issue so to speak. 

Men who are very independent and self reliant but still want a relationship are not thinking in terms of commitment. They’re aware they don’t need you (aligned / communion). They’re aware of you believing you need them (discordant / non-communitive). Communion is actual self reliance and independence, and is non-conceptual. 

Two people consciously creating in communion is as good as experience gets, most worthwhile, and I highly recommend it. Phobia is direct experience btw (not projection). 

[Leo Gura]

Yes, commitment is emotionally challenging because commitment only makes sense from the POV of an attractive guy with many options if the girl is exceptional. There is little desire to commit to an average girl.

For commitment to make sense she has to be really amazing. But most girls are not that.

Also, commitment means losing years not developing one's game. And the longer a guy wait to development one's game, the harder it becomes. Also the sex and even the relationship will start to get stale after some years unless special measures are taken. So there is a fear that commitment will lead to mediocrity.

Having very high standards makes commitment very challenging. In a sense commitment requires surrendering or lowering one's standards.

From the male POV, sex is a daily requirement but commitment requires something exceptional. Which is why guys tend to have sex but not commit. If a guy waited to only have sex with girls he was willing to commit to, he would be starving like a homeless dog waiting for years for the right girl to come along. And then he would fuck that up with neediness.

So ironically girls are attracted to the guys who are least likely to commit. These are the guys who have so many options that commitment makes little sense. Because a guy who doesn't have all those options will be super needy and repel most girls. You girls are attracted to the most detached guys, and then you wonder why he won't commit.

The guy who would commit to you, you have no interest in sleeping with. He doesn't make you wet or emotional. And your sleeping decisions are purely emotional, not logical. Hence you keep hooking up with guys who won't commit.

The more arousing the guy the less likely he is to commit. That's how this game works. You have to find some sort of balancing point. You can't just chase the highest arousal. You have to make sacrifices. You can't get it all unless you are bringing massive value to the negotiating table.

Sex is a value exchange. And everyone is trying to leech maximum value. Everyone is trying to get something for nothing. And then suffering ensues of course because leeching and theft are self-undermining.

In a sense, when you are dating you are trying to steal sexual value. You aren't doing this consciously, but subconsciously that's exactly what all your arousal and emotions are doing. Your emotions precisely motivate behaviors which steal sexual value. This survival mechanic is so deep that you aren't even aware it's happening. To you it just feels like romance. When you get super attracted to a guy so much that you can't stop daydreaming about him, that's because you know he has more value than you, and that locking him down would be a really good deal for you. It's like walking into a car dealership and seeing your favorite car 50% off. You are giddy with joy at the bargain you just found and you want to pounce on it immediately before someone else does. But of course no quality car is ever 50% off unless there is something seriously wrong with it.

Bottom line: If you want the best car in the dealership you should expect to work hard and pay a lot for it. If you don't want to pay a lot, then expect a mediocre car. Madness is expecting the best car for dirt cheap.

Men's commitment phobia is their emotional way of maximizing sexual value.

[Etherial Cat]

@Vzdoh

It's resonance, compatibility, maturity and timing that will make him commit to you.

 

[Etherial Cat]

@Leo Gura

31 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Yes, commitment is emotionally challenging because commitment only makes sense from the POV of an attractive guy with many options if the girl is exceptional. There is little desire to commit to an average girl.

For commitment to make sense she has to be really amazing. But most girls are not that.

Also, commitment means losing years not developing one's game. And the longer a guy wait to development one's game, the harder it becomes. Also the sex and even the relationship will start to get stale after some years unless special measures are taken. So there is a fear that commitment will lead to mediocrity.

Having very high standards makes commitment very challenging. In a sense commitment requires surrendering or lowering one's standards.

From the male POV, sex is a daily requirement but commitment requires something exceptional. Which is why guys tend to have sex but not commit. If a guy waited to only have sex with girls he was willing to commit to, he would be starving like a homeless dog waiting for years for the right girl to come along. And then he would fuck that up with neediness.

So ironically girls are attracted to the guys who are least likely to commit. These are the guys who have so many options that commitment makes little sense. Because a guy who doesn't have all those options will be super needy and repel most girls. You girls are attracted to the most detached guys, and then you wonder why he won't commit.

The guy who would commit to you, you have no interest in sleeping with. He doesn't make you wet or emotional. And your sleeping decisions are purely emotional, not logical. Hence you keep hooking up with guys who won't commit.

The more arousing the guy the less likely he is to commit. That's how this game works. You have to find some sort of balancing point. You can't just chase the highest arousal. You have to make sacrifices. You can't get it all unless you are bringing massive value to the negotiating table.

Sex is a value exchange. And everyone is trying to leech maximum value. Everyone is trying to get something for nothing. And then suffering ensues of course because leeching and theft are self-undermining.

In a sense, when you are dating you are trying to steal sexual value. You aren't doing this consciously, but subconscious that's exactly what all your arousal and emotions are doing.

Which is why most girls are obviously just good enough for a low investment good lay in a club. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Elton]

@Leo Gura but in india even the attractive men want to get married and commit and have a family... 

this could be social conditioning at play..

I am scared of commitment too but may end up getting married...

oh fuck! am I going to settle for mediocrity!!! ?

[Zeroguy]

@SamC Control you? 

You are the man?! Learn and improve it is on you. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Zeroguy

[Leo Gura]

12 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

@Leo Gura

Which is why most girls are obviously just good enough for a low investment good lay in a club. 

And why most guys who ask for your number will never get a reply

The sword cuts both ways.

10 minutes ago, Elton said:

@Leo Gura but in india even the attractive men want to get married and commit and have a family...

Many men everywhere want that. That's not the issue. The issue is, which girl will you pick? A below average girl?

You'd have to be stupid to marry an average girl or the first girl you sleep with. Marriage is hard enough even with the perfect match.

It's really a question of how many options do you have? If you have no options you will marry the first girl you sleep with. The more options you have the less eager you will be to marry early.

[Vzdoh]

@SamC define super attached? 

How does it show up for you? 

How do you sense the fear of you not committing in a woman? What does she do? Say? 

[Vzdoh]

@Valach so basically you self sabotage by thinking you are responsible for somebody's hurt and feelings? 

Have it ever occurred to you that you are not responsible for their feelings? 

And no matter what you do at some point anyways someone gets hurt? 

Life is suffering, no way to escape, avoid or resist it, only embrace it. 

[Valach]

2 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

@Valach so basically you self sabotage by thinking you are responsible for somebody's hurt and feelings? 

Have it ever occurred to you that you are not responsible for their feelings? 

And no matter what you do at some point anyways someone gets hurt? 

Life is suffering, no way to escape, avoid or resist it, only embrace it. 

To a degree that is the case. I have to learn to trust girls, that they know what is best for themselfs.

 

[Vzdoh]

@Leo Gura hey Leo, in my case the guy is actually not trying to maximise sexual value as he has some trauma related to sex and doesn't sleep around at all. Sex is not that important to him. I know probably hard to believe, but that's true. 

I think he is avoidant type of personality with extreme independence and fear of true intimacy. 

Very protective of his personal space too. 

I am just fishing for ideas about how to ask him right questions to challenge his belief. 

It feels like he is scared of commitment because he is afraid to lose himself, his freedom and be enmeshed in a relationship that is too close. 

But in general I agree with you for most of the guys it's true - maximizing sexual value. 

I think I am exceptional though. From who I am to what I have done in life, to money I earned to how I look to how I commit to self awareness and spiritual growth. No lack of men arround me. 

So don't think its related to me at all. 

Some internal issue for him. 

[Vzdoh]

@Valach why do u trust yourself or why do u think you know better than they do what's good for them? 

Isn't it a God complex? 

[Leo Gura]

5 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

@Leo Gura hey Leo, in my case the guy is actually not trying to maximise sexual value as he has some trauma related to sex and doesn't sleep around at all. Sex is not that important to him. I know probably hard to believe, but that's true.

He may not sleep around, but that doesn't mean he might not desire something more.

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I think he is avoidant type of personality with extreme independence and fear of true intimacy. 

A LOT of guys have fear of intimacy.

In general, men value their freedom. Women tend to value bonding and intimacy, men tend to value freedom more.

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It feels like he is scared of commitment because he is afraid to lose himself, his freedom and be enmeshed in a relationship that is too close.

Of course! Giving up independence for a guy who is habitually independent is a huge fear and source of danger.

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So don't think its related to me at all. 

Some internal issue for him. 

Yeah, well, the guy's probably not in touch with his feminine side and with the whole idea of communion/relationship. That would require a relatively developed and mature man -- which can be rare.