Reality is also Hell

[SQAAD]

We've heard about how Reality is Perfection and Paradise but i think that at the same it is also Hell. Many peeople don't appreciate how hellish existence can become because they've just lived a basic comfortable existence somewhere in the Western world with somewhat decent parents. There are definitely levels to this. Levels that we don't even comprehend. For me it was a shock the previous year the amount of suffering that i've experienced from a silly mistake. That little mistake costed me 1 year of pure misery. One year of pure torture. There was a period where nothing i would do, would make the depression go away. I just had to let the time pass. It was the worst thing i've experienced in my entire life. I never expected reality could turn so ugly so fast.

You can do all the ''right'' things and still get cancer, suffer through a terrible disease for years for no good reason, brain damage, dementia, lose all your money, get tortured , get murdered, etc etc. There are many things you can't control and can't completely avoid.  My biggest fear besides getting tortured is losing my mind, my intelligence and my great memory. Every time i feel a painful sensation in my brain i get terrible anxiety. This can make my life unpleasant some of the time. Most of the time i am in a decent mood. But i am generally afraid of eventually losing everything i've worked so hard to gain. Many times i think that all the things i've learned , i can completely forget my just getting dementia. This can make it hard to motivate yourself.

Yesterday i sat with a 90-year old man who has lost his memory abilities recently. He can't remember much. After his son died, he fell into a deep depression and his mind deteriorated significantly very rapidly. He was a physicist. 

The challenge of life i believe is that there are all these terrible things that can happen to you and you can't deny them. You can never say ''that will never happen to me''. All the sh*t you don't wanna experience, there is a chance you will experience it. It seems to me that all this suffering and pain is somewhat senseless at times. I don't get it why it can get so bad. I understand the necessity of pain and suffering but its just too much. Too much...

 

 

Edited November 9, 2021 by SQAAD

[Scholar]

10 hours ago, SQAAD said:

We've heard about how Reality is Perfection and Paradise but i think that at the same it is also Hell. Many peeople don't appreciate how hellish existence can become because they've just lived a basic comfortable existence somewhere in the Western world with somewhat decent parents. There are definitely levels to this. Levels that we don't even comprehend. For me it was a shock the previous year the amount of suffering that i've experienced from a silly mistake. That little mistake costed me 1 year of pure misery. One year of pure torture. There was a period where nothing i would do, would make the depression go away. I just had to let the time pass. It was the worst thing i've experienced in my entire life. I never expected reality could turn so ugly so fast.

You can do all the ''right'' things and still get cancer, suffer through a terrible disease for years for no good reason, brain damage, dementia, lose all your money, get tortured , get murdered, etc etc. There are many things you can't control and can't completely avoid.  My biggest fear besides getting tortured is losing my mind, my intelligence and my great memory. Every time i feel a painful sensation in my brain i get terrible anxiety. This can make my life unpleasant some of the time. Most of the time i am in a decent mood. But i am generally afraid of eventually losing everything i've worked so hard to gain. Many times i think that all the things i've learned , i can completely forget my just getting dementia. This can make it hard to motivate yourself.

Yesterday i sat with a 90-year old man who has lost his memory abilities recently. He can't remember much. After his son died, he fell into a deep depression and his mind deteriorated significantly very rapidly. He was a physicist. 

The challenge of life i believe is that there are all these terrible things that can happen to you and you can't deny them. You can never say ''that will never happen to me''. All the sh*t you don't wanna experience, there is a chance you will experience it. It seems to me that all this suffering and pain is somewhat senseless at times. I don't get it why it can get so bad. I understand the necessity of pain and suffering but its just too much. Too much...

 

 

 

This is your sacrifice brother, your Love. You have put yourself to the cross. You were so fearless, that you accepted all of this. Every bit of suffering, the terror, the fear, the misery, the agony. Your heart was so open to every bit of Creation, that you said "Yes, I will Love this. and to Love it, I must experience it fully.".

 

You have forgotten that you are untouchable, and that is part of your sacrifice. The illusion that all of this is touching you, yes the reality that it is touching you, that fear, that suffering, it is your seflessness. But the Truth is, nothing can touch you. No amount of Suffering can harm you, no amount of Misery can change you. You can endure it all, even the unendurable, you endure.

 

What does too much mean? That you will lose your mind? And what then, what happens when you lose your mind? More suffering? And what then? More suffering? And what then?

What could all of this suffering possibly do to you? You can resist your suffering, your resistance can be endless. But what would happen if it was too much suffering for you to resist?

What would happen if it was so much that you could no longer resist, so much that resistance itself broke into it's pieces. What would that mean for suffering?

Edited November 9, 2021 by Scholar

[SQAAD]

@Scholar

9 hours ago, Scholar said:

 

This is your sacrifice brother, your Love. You have put yourself to the cross. You were so fearless, that you accepted all of this. Every bit of suffering, the terror, the fear, the misery, the agony. Your heart was so open to every bit of Creation, that you said "Yes, I will Love this. and to Love it, I must experience it fully.".

 

You have forgotten that you are untouchable, and that is part of your sacrifice. The illusion that all of this is touching you, yes the reality that it is touching you, that fear, that suffering, it is your seflessness. But the Truth is, nothing can touch you. No amount of Suffering can harm you, no amount of Misery can change you. You can endure it all, even the unendurable, you endure.

 

What does too much mean? That you will lose your mind? And what then, what happens when you lose your mind? More suffering? And what then? More suffering? And what then?

What could all of this suffering possibly do to you? You can resist your suffering, your resistance can be endless. But what would happen if it was too much suffering for you to resist?

What would happen if it was so much that you could no longer resist, so much that resistance itself broke into it's pieces. What would that mean for suffering?

I love what you said here. Very profound and it touched my heart. Thank you :-)

I am just resisting and trying to avoid suffering my entire life. The paradox is that by trying to avoid suffering i just endlessly create even more suffering and misery for myself lol. I know i'll have to bite the bullet once and for all sooner or later...and face my greatest demon which is fear and avoidance of suffering/pain.

The level of extreme suffering and pain that exists really terrifies me. I haven't come to grips with it. Its shocking the amount of suffering that God is willingly to experience....

I am afraid what will happen if my mind deterioates and i lose my mind/memory. I worry that this will lead to a very miserable life. I am afraid of misery..... Thats what i have been resisting. Maybe because i had a miserable childhood. But the last 3 years my life has become really beautiful thanks to meditation , psychedelics, life purpose work, ocd recovery work, quitting marijuana & other drugs, etc .

Edited November 10, 2021 by SQAAD

[diamondpenguin]

@SQAAD It really is hell, reality will beat you to death and forget about you in a moment's notice. Reality is greatest demon of all. Like, reality is a beast that you need to tame. Tame reality, and make it your faithful servant through your inner voice. It will guide you. 

[lmfao]

@SQAAD Reality may be hellish, but it's also "fair"

[Nahm]

On 11/9/2021 at 6:08 AM, SQAAD said:

It seems to me that all this suffering and pain is somewhat senseless at times.

Rumination is always senseless by definition. It is aversion from feeling. 

Quote

I don't get it why it can get so bad. I understand the necessity of pain and suffering but its just too much. Too much...

When people say “I understand” it’s followed by a belief rooted in ignore-ance of feeling, something they don’t understand. Google and read, understand the difference between pain & suffering. Let the impulse to assert what you already know go, along with any beliefs that you understand, and continue learning. Get the message. Then spread the message. ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world’. MG

[SQAAD]

@Nahm

5 hours ago, Nahm said:

When people say “I understand” it’s followed by a belief rooted in ignore-ance of feeling, something they don’t understand. 

Why is that the case? I don't get it.

[Nahm]

On 11/9/2021 at 6:08 AM, SQAAD said:

I understand the necessity of pain and suffering but its just too much. Too much...

You say “I understand…” and then reveal you clearly don’t. 

[Scholar]

12 hours ago, SQAAD said:

@Scholar

I love what you said here. Very profound and it touched my heart. Thank you :-)

I am just resisting and trying to avoid suffering my entire life. The paradox is that by trying to avoid suffering i just endlessly create even more suffering and misery for myself lol. I know i'll have to bite the bullet once and for all sooner or later...and face my greatest demon which is fear and avoidance of suffering/pain.

The level of extreme suffering and pain that exists really terrifies me. I haven't come to grips with it. Its shocking the amount of suffering that God is willingly to experience....

I am afraid what will happen if my mind deterioates and i lose my mind/memory. I worry that this will lead to a very miserable life. I am afraid of misery..... Thats what i have been resisting. Maybe because i had a miserable childhood. But the last 3 years my life has become really beautiful thanks to meditation , psychedelics, life purpose work, ocd recovery work, quitting marijuana & other drugs, etc .

Be careful that you do not fall into the trap of wanting to make your fear of fear go away. "I do not want to be so afraid of the miseries of life! I want it to go away!".

 

See, that very fear, that very suffering created by the attempt to run away, that is what can be accepted. You accept your vulnerability completely, that misery might come to you, and that it is okay to fear it, that it is okay to feel terror in the face of your Creation. That when you are tortured, it is okay to lose your mind, to be in agony, to be not okay with it.

 

However, you have already accepted it. That is fundamental. You have already accepted all of this suffering fully, and your current experience is evidence of that. Your acceptence was so great and ultimate, that you would forget your own acceptance of it, so that the acceptance could be complete.

 

Your shock, your fear, your suffering, that is your acceptance. See, it is both counter intuitive. Because to escape suffering, you must accept it. But when you accept suffering completely, you will completely surrender to it, as you already have. There is no beginning, there is no end.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Scholar

[SQAAD]

@Nahm

10 hours ago, Nahm said:

You say “I understand…” and then reveal you clearly don’t. 

Why do you say that? Because i am complaining about how reality is?

[Nahm]

@SQAAD

Because you’re saying pain & suffering are necessarily, and sharing what doesn’t resonate with you. If you are complaining, then yes also that. 

[SQAAD]

@Nahm

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

@SQAAD

Because you’re saying pain & suffering are necessarily, and sharing what doesn’t resonate with you. If you are complaining, then yes also that. 

My point is that Reality is hellish for a lot of people. It's not just a thought or a belief. Its reality. Its brutal. Its horrifically brutal. I would love it to be otherwise but i have to be honest with myself. I can't fake that everything is good when peoples limbs are being chopped off at Mexico right this very moment and all this barbaric stuff is happening all around us.

Edited November 11, 2021 by SQAAD

[SQAAD]

@Scholar

21 hours ago, Scholar said:

See, that very fear, that very suffering created by the attempt to run away, that is what can be accepted. You accept your vulnerability completely, that misery might come to you, and that it is okay to fear it, that it is okay to feel terror in the face of your Creation. That when you are tortured, it is okay to lose your mind, to be in agony, to be not okay with it.

Your shock, your fear, your suffering, that is your acceptance. See, it is both counter intuitive. Because to escape suffering, you must accept it. But when you accept suffering completely, you will completely surrender to it, as you already have. There is no beginning, there is no end.

I love what you said here. Very nice and poetic.

[DecemberFlower]

@SQAAD I know its kinda offtopic but could you share what was the mistake that caused you year of misery? 

[SQAAD]

@lmfao

On 10/11/2021 at 2:45 PM, lmfao said:

@SQAAD Reality may be hellish, but it's also "fair"

Fair only because of Oneness. Other than that its a series of dreams and nightmares. Some of which make no sense whatsoever.

[SQAAD]

@DecemberFlower

25 minutes ago, DecemberFlower said:

@SQAAD I know its kinda offtopic but could you share what was the mistake that caused you year of misery? 

1 year ago i wanted to trip hard. So i bought some LSA capsules from a headshop. The owner of the shop recommended me to combine the capsules with Syrian Rue (MAIO) for stronger effect.

I just did a little bit of research, didn't find any good information and decided to combine the two. At the beginning i took 4 capsules of LSA and a teaspoon of Syrian rue. Then afterwards i had one of the best trips of my life. Very increased Consciousness. It suddenly became apparent to me that this is God.  Everything became recontextualized.

The state i was in was so good and beautiful, that i didn't want it to end. So i took another 4 capsules after few hours. Big mistake. For like 2-3 days afterwards straight i was high.. Or at least i was thinking that i was high. I am not sure at this point. But for like 2 days straight i couldn't sleep and was in a mystical state where my reality had dramatically shifted. It seems my neurotransmitters were out of balance.

Then after 2 days of no sleep and constantly feeling high and enlightned i began losing my mind. I just wanted things to return to normal. I couldn't take it any more. The fear started hitting me. The hopelessness. The meaningless of God.

And my mind began deteriorating very rapidly to the point where i lost my mind and had to be sent for psychiatric treament. I stayed in a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks. They put me on antipsychotic medications which caused me to experience memory issues. My memory has always been my greatest strength. And suddenly i would forget what i wanted to say mid-sentence. 

When i came off the medications (my memory eventually returned to normal) but my brain chemistry was still all messed up. I had to suffer through a horrible depression that i've never felt before for 2-3 weeks straight. NOTHING would end the depression.  Imagine that i couldn't even watch a youtube video for 5 minutes straight because i would get bored and depressed out of my mind. Nothing could make me interested or excited. Not even walking would provide any relief. It was pure torture. Depression is no joke. I now have empathy for those are clinically depressed. Its one of the worst things.

They wanted me to take these antipsychotic drugs for like 4 months straight. But i realised immediately how dangerous these pharmaceuticals are and after i was released from the hospital i began tapering off . Sure some people need them. But trust they are really really dangerous. You feel your mind slowly eroding when taking them. 

Until that point i never knew what depression was.  I am leaving many many details but basically this stupid mistake costed me a LOT of suffering and pain for several months afterwards. The worst experience of my life ever by far.

 

Edited November 11, 2021 by SQAAD

[Nahm]

22 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

@Nahm

My point is that Reality is hellish for a lot of people.

Transcending suffering requires scrutiny of direct experience. There is no direct experience of on behalf of a lot of people. You believe you know, but don’t actually know, what anyone’s experience of reality is like. Of course one can assume, but one does not actually know. 

22 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

It's not just a thought or a belief. Its reality. Its brutal. Its horrifically brutal. I would love it to be otherwise but i have to be honest with myself. I can't fake that everything is good when peoples limbs are being chopped off at Mexico right this very moment and all this barbaric stuff is happening all around us.

That is precisely what I’m saying, that ‘brutal’ and ‘horrifically brutal’ are thoughts, interpretation. I’m not suggesting you are being dishonest with yourself. I am saying there is not a you and a yourself. Honesty, when one is scrutinizing, is the scrutinizing of one’s direct experience, and the weeding out of assumptions, misinterpretations of one’s own direct experience, conditioning, beliefs, etc. 

I am not suggesting to ‘fake’ that everything is good. To be clear, I am saying there is only good. Reality=good. There is no good & bad, and that is why judgement is felt as discord with the truth, or what is actual and true. I am not saying it is good to chop people’s arms off. I am saying that is not happening in your direct experience, and the discord felt therefore is of the thought, and not of what’s happening. I am saying this because it is from this place that one indeed does something to help. One suffering, misinterpreting one’s own direct experience, is not one who is able, willing, and readily helping. 

[Nahm]

12 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

@DecemberFlower

1 year ago i wanted to trip hard. So i bought some LSA capsules from a headshop. The owner of the shop recommended me to combine the capsules with Syrian Rue (MAIO) for stronger effect.

I just did a little bit of research, didn't find any good information and decided to combine the two. At the beginning i took 4 capsules of LSA and a teaspoon of Syrian rue. Then afterwards i had one of the best trips of my life. Very increased Consciousness. It suddenly became apparent to me that this is God.  Everything became recontextualized.

The state i was in was so good and beautiful, that i didn't want it to end. So i took another 4 capsules after few hours. Big mistake. For like 2-3 days afterwards straight i was high.. Or at least i was thinking that i was high. I am not sure at this point. But for like 2 days straight i couldn't sleep and was in a mystical state where my reality had dramatically shifted. It seems my neurotransmitters were out of balance.

Then after 2 days of no sleep and constantly feeling high and enlightned i began losing my mind. I just wanted things to return to normal. I couldn't take it any more. The fear started hitting me. The hopelessness. The meaningless of God.

And my mind began deteriorating very rapidly to the point where i lost my mind and had to be sent for psychiatric treament. I stayed in a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks. They put me on antipsychotic medications which caused me to experience memory issues. My memory has always been my greatest strength. And suddenly i would forget what i wanted to say mid-sentence. 

When i came off the medications (my memory eventually returned to normal) but my brain chemistry was still all messed up. I had to suffer through a horrible depression that i've never felt before for 2-3 weeks straight. NOTHING would end the depression.  Imagine that i couldn't even watch a youtube video for 5 minutes straight because i would get bored and depressed out of my mind. Nothing could make me interested or excited. Not even walking would provide any relief. It was pure torture. Depression is no joke. I now have empathy for those are clinically depressed. Its one of the worst things.

They wanted me to take these drugs for like 4 months straight. But i realised immediately how dangerous these pharmaceuticals are. Sure some people need them. But trust they are really really dangerous. You feel your mind slowly eroding when taking them.

Until that point i never knew what depression was.  I am leaving many many details but basically this stupid mistake costed me a LOT of suffering and pain for several months afterwards. The worst experience of my life ever by far.

 

What I’m saying about suffering, and inspecting direct experience, and misinterpretation is applicable to bringing clarity to that misinterpretation, of that experience. In direct experience I do not find a ‘my mind’, or a ‘my memories’. I find only direct awareness of thought, perception, and sensation. In direct experience, any notion of ‘losing’, or ‘losing something’, is a thought, and is not actually some thing, which could be lost. In direct experience, fear is emotion, and is guidance, and ‘tells me’ that the thought I’m focusing on (losing my mind) is discordant, or, not indicative of what is true and actual. Are you able to see how this misinterpretation was projected onto others, via depression, horror, etc? That ‘a line’ was crossed, so to speak, away from the actuality of direct experience, and into projecting a ‘knowing’ of the direct experience of others. In direct experience, depression is a thought, and is not sensation or perception. Depression is not an emotion, and turning to emotion, which is guidance, would have been ‘telling me so’ the entire time. Are you able to see what I’m saying here? Without believing the thought ‘my mind’ (as if there is this thing ‘my mind’), and recognizing that it is a thought… the fear would be ‘telling you’ - that thought isn’t true. The potential realization could have been, and still could be right now, that one is that which is appearing as ‘my mind’… and thus one can not actually lose, oneself. 

Do you also see how that is conjecture? As in, the misinterpretation is not something that you created, or came up with, but is a misinterpretation that you learned, which arose upon experiencing the trip? Likewise, do you see how sharing, and thus supporting, what doesn’t feel good to you, does not lead to transcending suffering? Do you see the role projecting one’s own discord, vs inspecting & understanding direct experience plays here? As in, one can not focus enough on suffering to feel better, or help anyone else…? 

[DecemberFlower]

@SQAAD Sorry to hear that. Sounds really terrible. People really need to inform themselves well before tripping about everything. Consequences of bad trips are too severe to not take big precautions beforehand

[SQAAD]

@Nahm

41 minutes ago, Nahm said:

 I am not saying it is good to chop people’s arms off. I am saying that is not happening in your direct experience, and the discord felt therefore is of the thought, and not of what’s happening. I am saying this because it is from this place that one indeed does something to help. One suffering, misinterpreting one’s own direct experience, is not one who is able, willing, and readily helping. 

That is a good point. I agree with you.

Edited November 11, 2021 by SQAAD