There are two perspectives battling inside of me

[Nadosa]

Yesterday I could see through the suffering, the delusion, the belief that smth is wrong with me, especially the belief that I am not aware of my thoughts, it fucked me up to the Point where I felt Im totally at my minds mercy, feeling like I'm schizophrenic, I go crazy and couldnt connect to anyone anymore. I picked up a random story in order to justify that I AM my mind. Wtf. Wtf. Just the belief of it makes me shake. Because I can kinda sense it still. I can sense why I felt crazy, because I thought I was the mind.

Till I made the conscious decision to be drawn into the now. Suddenly I started to cry. I saw through the delusion. But it wasnt all the way. 

Now two perspectives are battling inside of me, the old one feels so true because i believed it for too long, so so long, then the observer perspective, which feels a lot more connected and better. I always felt connected when I dropped the belief that Im my mind. Yet fuck, dropping it feels like I "die", like my story ends now and forever.

It feels good to type these words tho.

But I have questions: how do I deal with this letting go, I feel this is hard to handle? Why did I even believe such thoughts, am I crazy, sick, ill? Why did I even create the Story for so long?

Will I ever be able to let go of this perspective/old self? Or just kinda hold it in awareness, see it coming and going. Because that's what I did for very long time, till it overcame me again (last days) and made me feel like Im my mind.

Now my minds even telling me that "being aware of my thought is another belief", just to draw me back into a dream that couldnt be lived anymore.

For me, this is more of a feeling thing, like I stay in tune with the good feeling, tho the other perspective (that Im my mind) is still lingering inside of me?

 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Nadosa