No denial: I have a problem. SUFFERING... There's no way out.

[Endangered-EGO]

I don't want to live.

I don't want the pain of dying.

I don't want to give my family the grief of loss.

I would like to be dead, with the existence of my empty bodymind going on.

That gives me only one choice: enlightenment.

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist. At least not for me. I tried.

I went through the knowledges of suffering more times than I could count. Detox 5 times. Meditations for hours.

Always hoping for the next stage.

Begging God for liberation. No answer.

I have to be honest. This rabbit hole and apparent progress I went through, is meaningless dirt. Shoveling dirt out of a hole expecting to find home or gold. I haven't found either of those things. I don't even want gold anymore. I don't believe home is down there either.

I just realised something. I have to stop deluding myself. Everytime I think something is working, I found the magic, or I found the secret to liberation or "I'm close": There's always the 2-step-backwards.

OBVIOUSLY the eastern traditions are useless. Probably even more than abrahamic religions and their ridiculous idealistic, dualistic worldviews.

I have to apologize for every post I've made on this forum, claiming I had a clue about suffering. Actually I don't. I'm gonna delete the one's I regret most if that's possible on this forum.

I recently had an extremely concerning thought about which bridge I would jump off, and that's terrifying me. That's the reason I'm writing this, and I don't want anyone to read my previous advices.

Note: Don't worry, there's no real risk of suicide for me. It's just worrying thoughts (about that bridge in particular) and how easy it would be to get there. That's actually terrifying.

I have a bed, a home, food, some money. Worst case scenario is I'm gonna stay in bed for 10 years, feeling depressed.

[happyhappy]

@Endangered-EGO we signed up for this mate. I guess there is no way back after taking the red pill.

if one way doesn't work for ya, why not try others? there are dozens of techniques out there... I know it is hard out there. hang in there mate. one way another  the thing what you are persistently seeking will come to you.

ofc, every fcking thing is suffering.! yet, all suffering is also love.

  if u feel tired of this shit, i would recommend taking a break . go to nature, mingle with friends ,meet family. 

"Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure."-the Alchemist

[happyhappy]

so don't you worry ... keep up the amazing work bro

Edited November 9, 2021 by happyhappy
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[Nos7algiK]

Sounds a lot like you are experiencing a dark night of the soul, God speed. This too shall pass, never forget that. You got this.

[BipolarGrowth]

This will pass with time. For now, try to go spend some time with friends or family. Do some normal stuff. Fuck Liberation for now. It’ll come back later if it’s what is right for you. 

[The0Self]

At the moment your own personal enlightenment is released from possibility (taken; not by choice), the next moment never comes.

Then depression can still happen, but without existential worry and without the expectation that things should (or could) be different.

Edited November 9, 2021 by The0Self

[roopepa]

Come back to feeling and breathing. Don't "meditate". Just breathe and feel.

In feeling, you will see this is a nonsense narrative, and there is nothing for you to gain in holding it.

And try this: 

 

[Chris365]

You are addicted to thought/thinking, like most people.

Have you examined the nature of thought, where is it coming from, where does it appear, do 'you' control it?

Once thought addiction is seen through, it loses its illusory power to create suffering.

[Nadosa]

5 minutes ago, roopepa said:

Come back to feeling and breathing. Don't "meditate". Just breathe and feel.

In feeling, you will see this is a nonsense narrative, and there is nothing for you to gain in holding it.

And try this: 

 

Why are delusions even created in the first place? Like in my case there is entire belief-system/identity created just in order to belief I am the mind.

[Chris365]

11 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Why are delusions even created in the first place? Like in my case there is entire belief-system/identity created just in order to belief I am the mind.

There's no 'why', there's no reason for anything. Except for the mind, which tries to keep itself in existence by asking these questions.. why, how.... In order to know, to understand, and so to keep its loop of knowing going.

Try practices that may lead to no mind, give thoughts a break for a while...

[Salvijus]

I can speak for myself that if you do an authentic high quality practice like isha yoga and not some youtube cowdung, all these things like depression, anxiety, insomnia will go away. I'm saying this, because I used to be depressed and suicidal 24/7 some years ago. And today I can't even remember when I had a bad day or a bad sleep. 

Life is easy, your problem is you're looking for solutions in the wrong place, you do some stupid nonsence and then expect results to come. No, unless you do the right things, rights thinga won't happen to you. I recommend people if they're serious about their own wellbeing to find a high quality tools for their transformation instead of listening to false teachers and teachings that are roaming the entire internet space today.

Regards ❤?

Edited November 9, 2021 by Salvijus

[Inception]

We’re all in pain. It’s inevitable. Reduce it where you can, but stop trying to get rid of it. Instead find a purpose that’s worth it. Once you do, you’ll still be in pain, but you’ll no longer suffer (as much). Jordan Peterson talks about this.

[tsuki]

@Endangered-EGO Suffering is caused by false beliefs. Don't blame the universe, don't blame yourself, don't blame.

You are in a nook that seems to have no way out. Realize this. This is not your natural state. Your natural state is harmony, order.

This is all ego speaking, and the Universe will have none of it. This is how God liberates you, by stopping you dead in your tracks and giving you no other option than to look at yourself.

You will be fine, just find the falsehood.

[Nahm]

@Endangered-EGO

Make a dreamboard, focus on what you do want. 

Understand the emotions you are experiencing. 

Talk to someone who understands. 

Stop listening to misinformation. 

That’s what no denial looks like. 

[RedLine]

Avoid neurosis and overthinking, stay calm and keep doing the work bro, it is the best advice I can give you.

[roopepa]

11 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

I have to apologize for every post I've made on this forum, claiming I had a clue about suffering. Actually I don't. I'm gonna delete the one's I regret most if that's possible on this forum.

By the way, this is very good. Been there too. This is a sign of growing up.

I may even delete some of my posts like a few minutes after posting them, because I realize it was not sincere and honest.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

[roopepa]

6 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Why are delusions even created in the first place?

I don't know if there is any reason or mechanism to it.

My best guess would be that there is a sense of lack / need, and one tries to feel complete by bying into all kinds of narratives and stories.

[Scholar]

20 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

I don't want to live.

I don't want the pain of dying.

I don't want to give my family the grief of loss.

I would like to be dead, with the existence of my empty bodymind going on.

That gives me only one choice: enlightenment.

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist. At least not for me. I tried.

I went through the knowledges of suffering more times than I could count. Detox 5 times. Meditations for hours.

Always hoping for the next stage.

Begging God for liberation. No answer.

I have to be honest. This rabbit hole and apparent progress I went through, is meaningless dirt. Shoveling dirt out of a hole expecting to find home or gold. I haven't found either of those things. I don't even want gold anymore. I don't believe home is down there either.

I just realised something. I have to stop deluding myself. Everytime I think something is working, I found the magic, or I found the secret to liberation or "I'm close": There's always the 2-step-backwards.

OBVIOUSLY the eastern traditions are useless. Probably even more than abrahamic religions and their ridiculous idealistic, dualistic worldviews.

I have to apologize for every post I've made on this forum, claiming I had a clue about suffering. Actually I don't. I'm gonna delete the one's I regret most if that's possible on this forum.

I recently had an extremely concerning thought about which bridge I would jump off, and that's terrifying me. That's the reason I'm writing this, and I don't want anyone to read my previous advices.

Note: Don't worry, there's no real risk of suicide for me. It's just worrying thoughts (about that bridge in particular) and how easy it would be to get there. That's actually terrifying.

I have a bed, a home, food, some money. Worst case scenario is I'm gonna stay in bed for 10 years, feeling depressed.

You cannot escape Suffering by attempting to run away from it. There is no liberation. Forget about it.

 

The only thing there is, is acceptance. See, in your liberated state, free of suffering, free of everything, you looked at reality, and you said "I will embrace suffering.". And then you made yourself suffer, as you are now. This suffering, this is your surrender. That is what acceptance means.

 

Recognize this. This, all of this, all of the misery that you experience, that is ultimate acceptance. You accepted that fact that you would run away from your suffering, causing you more suffering. That you would seek liberation, resist reality, and suffer more.

 

Nothing will ever work, because everything is the way it is supposed to be. There is no escape. You must LOVE this suffering, you must ACCEPT it. Then, the suffering will be a problem that you do not view as a problem. But you cannot ever solve this by viewing the problem as a problem, it will only cause more and more problems.

 

[Endangered-EGO]

Hey guys, it's been 24hours now.

Damn, When I meditate for a long time I go through the knowledges of suffering, and unfortunately it always lasts longer than I can handle. I guess that's called the reobservation-phase.

Sometimes It's really bad and I have to stay in the foetal position, and sometimes it's just empty and I am lost lost lost in the emptiness and despair.

I guess yesterday it was the perfect middle ground of not bad enough for me to collapse, and not relaxed enough for me to just go on with my day.

 

The knowledges of suffering are always stronger than I can cope with, and I guess that's what's defining the last phase.

I always try to "recycle the reaction", but after I'm done. It gets worse and I always lose it in the end.

 

The funny part is I think I'm already in equanimity and then boom it gets worse.

 

I wonder what would happen if I meditated 4 times for 2h in one day. It's insane how powerless I always recognise myself to be. WOW, what did I get myself into.

[Nadosa]

37 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

Hey guys, it's been 24hours now.

Damn, When I meditate for a long time I go through the knowledges of suffering, and unfortunately it always lasts longer than I can handle. I guess that's called the reobservation-phase.

Sometimes It's really bad and I have to stay in the foetal position, and sometimes it's just empty and I am lost lost lost in the emptiness and despair.

I guess yesterday it was the perfect middle ground of not bad enough for me to collapse, and not relaxed enough for me to just go on with my day.

 

The knowledges of suffering are always stronger than I can cope with, and I guess that's what's defining the last phase.

I always try to "recycle the reaction", but after I'm done. It gets worse and I always lose it in the end.

 

The funny part is I think I'm already in equanimity and then boom it gets worse.

 

I wonder what would happen if I meditated 4 times for 2h in one day. It's insane how powerless I always recognise myself to be. WOW, what did I get myself into.

Same. I feel so damn damn damn lost. Knowing I have greatly an impact on that too.