No denial: I have a problem. SUFFERING... There's no way out.

[Verdesbird]

i woud say

study hard,meditate a lot,meditate on substance once in a while

and most impostant... resign,accept

and the most important of all .. LOVE ,if you fall in love all these worries will dissapear and you can truly rest in peace

Edited November 10, 2021 by Verdesbird
i forgot something

[Moksha]

4 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

The funny part is I think I'm already in equanimity and then boom it gets worse.

Equanimity is the letting go of thinking, as an identity. It is the dissolving of desires. Ultimately, it is saying sayonara to "I".

[Raze]

try happiness beyond thought by Gary Weber or the Finders Course

[Mu_]

On 11/8/2021 at 8:59 PM, Endangered-EGO said:

I don't want to live.

I don't want the pain of dying.

I don't want to give my family the grief of loss.

I would like to be dead, with the existence of my empty bodymind going on.

That gives me only one choice: enlightenment.

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist. At least not for me. I tried.

I went through the knowledges of suffering more times than I could count. Detox 5 times. Meditations for hours.

Always hoping for the next stage.

Begging God for liberation. No answer.

I have to be honest. This rabbit hole and apparent progress I went through, is meaningless dirt. Shoveling dirt out of a hole expecting to find home or gold. I haven't found either of those things. I don't even want gold anymore. I don't believe home is down there either.

I just realised something. I have to stop deluding myself. Everytime I think something is working, I found the magic, or I found the secret to liberation or "I'm close": There's always the 2-step-backwards.

OBVIOUSLY the eastern traditions are useless. Probably even more than abrahamic religions and their ridiculous idealistic, dualistic worldviews.

I have to apologize for every post I've made on this forum, claiming I had a clue about suffering. Actually I don't. I'm gonna delete the one's I regret most if that's possible on this forum.

I recently had an extremely concerning thought about which bridge I would jump off, and that's terrifying me. That's the reason I'm writing this, and I don't want anyone to read my previous advices.

Note: Don't worry, there's no real risk of suicide for me. It's just worrying thoughts (about that bridge in particular) and how easy it would be to get there. That's actually terrifying.

I have a bed, a home, food, some money. Worst case scenario is I'm gonna stay in bed for 10 years, feeling depressed.

 

I can relate to this chain of events you've expressed in this thread, its still something in my karma that goes through this bodily system and its not easy sometimes, but its just gonna do what its gonna do, like a drug pulsing through the veins and no way to stop what it feels and seems like.  However notice that without trying or thinking or wanting anything about the moment the arising of that moment just happens.  This you that seems so real and failed and tried is just part of this passing moment and has no ultimate reality.  Is this you that failed really YOU?  Or is it the universe expressing and being just that in that moment.  If you don't connect with this, then try below.

When was the last time you felt pretty good and grounded?  Perhaps connect with what that was like and dont be so hard on yourself.  Try to find small ways just to feel pleasant, don't let your emotions and mind ramp up around this subject thats pissing you off and making you feel so much like you wasted so much time and its all meaningless.  Let it be uncomfortable as well, don't fight it, but don't propogate it.  Its true on some level you seem to know its meaningless, so why let this meaningless be meaningfully bothersome to you.  if it truely was nothing and not anything,  why would it be experessed with frustration and anger?  Do you get what I'm meaning??

[Nahm]

@Endangered-EGO

It is all denial. ?

The “way out” of denial is not to be in, denial. 

To not be in denial is to realize you’re in denial. 

[Flyboy]

You sound like you're in the pit of the dark night... Just remember the 6 sense doors, and to see them with clarity, concentration, and equanimity, NO MATTER WHAT arises, and to notice the 3 characteristics in all things.  Be so sure of that that you will face death itself head-on if necessary.  The only way out is forward.  Keep taking one step after another.  Rest when you need to, but keep going.  Remind yourself that in a way you're lucky... this despair precedes something truly wonderful.  You've gotten this far, and braving this darkness is the key to the next sunrise.  Everything is impermanent, even this.  Look for what you're clinging to, as well... there is no suffering without clinging.  Find it, see it, and let it go.

[Endangered-EGO]

3 hours ago, Flyboy said:

You sound like you're in the pit of the dark night... Just remember the 6 sense doors, and to see them with clarity, concentration, and equanimity, NO MATTER WHAT arises, and to notice the 3 characteristics in all things.  Be so sure of that that you will face death itself head-on if necessary.  The only way out is forward.  Keep taking one step after another.  Rest when you need to, but keep going.  Remind yourself that in a way you're lucky... this despair precedes something truly wonderful.  You've gotten this far, and braving this darkness is the key to the next sunrise.  Everything is impermanent, even this.  Look for what you're clinging to, as well... there is no suffering without clinging.  Find it, see it, and let it go.

@Flyboy I was in reobservation, unfortunately there's no technique there except not doing anything, because anytime awareness moves it hurts really bad.

It's funny, and tragic. It ALWAYS lasts longer than one can handle it's insane. It also seems not to be possible to know that it's a temporary state, it just takes every second of attention, and it always lasts longer than one can handle. It's terrifying.

Also it seems that getting out of it is always different, because that phase shows that there's nothing you can do, until you give up everything and then it calms.

I doubt that there is any technique that actually helps except letting yourself be tortured into submission. There's nothing I can do to control the navigation of it. It's horrible.

[Nahm]

@Endangered-EGO

It’s relaxing. Deep stomach breaths. You gotta let go and see for yourself it arises. 

The ‘torture’ is the resistance of attempting to control & feel better, by ‘getting out of it’, fighting something etc. 

Relax, let the thoughts come & go. Let the thoughts about ‘the knowledges of suffering’ and the ‘recycling’ go. 

Relax just to relax. 

[lmfao]

@Endangered-EGO Well, things are rough for me and I might be going on meds soon. I'm just like, I feel disgust and shame way too much these past few months. If that wasn't overwhelming enough, borderline psychotic in mood swings (not hallucinating) and beliefs. Reduced functioning. 
I feel as though I'm already death sometimes, and when at lowest I invite the cosmos to finish me. I noticed today briefly that there is warmth and connection in the world, that there's beauty, but that was a small and temporary blip to my regular state. The world is actually a safer place than I thought, I realise, but I still feel like death. And I return to my disgust and off feeling. 

 

My regular state, fuelling it, is a disgust at this world. I see people devoid of integrity and empathy alike, and their perceived worminess disgusts me. 
I thought I was after "truth" abstractly but now I'm at a place of looking at this disgust, shame and guilt I feel instead which runs me. 

These things are thick barriers to love. Gratitude is important.

Edited November 11, 2021 by lmfao