Your thoughts on marriage

[Elton]

What are your thoughts on marriage..

As a kid I always wanted to get married and start a family of my own... but after Actualized.org I decided to get married after 30 because I felt it was a logical thing to go and j must go chase sex before I get married so that later in life I don't feel i missed out.

I'm 30 now and want to marry by next year.

But I'm scared to death... what if things don't work out, what if j want to divorce later, what if I'm not happily married...

Would like to hear your views ...

[Emotionalmosquito]

I would highly advise against marriage.  You get nothing of substantial value out of it except a measly tax break and the consequences of it going sour are beyond horrific to put it lightly. Instead of explaining it all here, I’ll let this video do the talking. Give it a listen.

https://youtu.be/qweDtV2NU2I

[egoeimai]

Baby,they say marriage kills everything in a relationship. How would you know? You can try! Hahaha.

So what if you divorce later? 

[tsuki]

There is little logical argument for marriage, if logic is what convinces you. I'm sure it was argued to death online and I would be surprised if the conclusion was any other than "marriage is not worth it".

If you don't feel like marrying - don't. But what if you actually do want to get married, but are hesitant because there is little logical reasons for it? Maybe you want to convince your heart with logic, because your mind is scared to death? Maybe what-ifs are killing you?

There is no logical reason out of this conundrum because your heart won't yield to your mind's petty arguments. Maybe, that is the whole point of marriage, to learn to listen to something else than your own chatter-box? I know it was for me.

[Zeroguy]

Each man tailors his own destiny.

You can always get good partner.

[Loba]

Not my cup of tea, it doesn't reflect what it should nowadays; wanna be free; could end up a total disaster.

[Elton]

It's so confusing, but I feel like laughing ...

[gettoefl]

hire a lawyer and write your own, every relationship has rules and responsibilities, maybe make it for 10 years with option to renew, if nothing else that alone will keep me going to the gym

[Zeroguy]

23 minutes ago, Elton said:

It's so confusing, but I feel like laughing ...

Laughing at what exactly?

Sharing ,union ,creation/ing etc?

Don't project what you are...

Edited November 8, 2021 by Zeroguy

[Elton]

@Zeroguy at my confusion, or the energy from all of your comments ...I don't know exactly ..

[Zeroguy]

10 minutes ago, Elton said:

@Zeroguy at my confusion, or the energy from all of your comments ...I don't know exactly ..

There is nothing wrong with marriage .I know most relationships are low consciousness quite aware of that but there can be exceptions.Choose your partners wisely.

[zazen]

If a man is to marry, there is reasonable fear the fresh legal supremacy his woman enjoys will disrupt the balance of power that previously maintained their relationship. The informed man is all too aware the legal privilege of the modern wife can be used to force him into domestic servitude, and that legally speaking, the marriage hangs on a thread tied to a hovering sword that follows him wherever he goes.

If man fails in his capacity as husband, or is at least perceived to have failed, he loses everything, by contrast if his woman is an abysmal failure of a wife, she gets a pay day and a fresh chance. In today’s society a woman’s marriage risk is minimal, and of course, this comes at the expense of man’s being astronomical. Women do not fear marriage because they have no reason to, men do because they have every reason to.

A marriage’s odds of success are merely improved, but still mightily unfavourable for man even when the potential wife is of considerable quality. And so although it is not impossible to become a patriarch, it is a dangerous affair regardless of who is involved. This danger is neither explicitly the man nor the woman involved’s fault, but rather, the fault of a judicial system that makes marriage so costly to men.

 

Bottom line: marry but not legally or with a prenuptial agreement, choose wisely. Chemistry isn't enough, compatibility and character need to be there also. 

[LastThursday]

Commitment is an art that's been lost. Marriage gives you a good grounding in the process of commitment. Because it makes it difficult to get out of, marriage forces you to face problems head on and to learn acceptance and even gratitude - it stops you running at every sign of trouble. Yes, a lot of marriages painfully fail, but so do relationships outside of marriage. Commitment is certainty and most people function better with certainty in their lives. Obviously, there are other reasons for marriage: love, family and religion.

Edited November 8, 2021 by LastThursday

[Emotionalmosquito]

6 hours ago, LastThursday said:

Yes, a lot of marriages painfully fail, but so do relationships outside of marriage.

The key difference here is just how much is at stake with marriage as opposed to simple relationships. A break up doesn’t legally entitle her to half your belongings and ongoing financial support. A divorce does all that and more.

[Loba]

Sign a prenup.  Also, not all women are after money if things fall through.
I inherit a home from my family and have family/financial support, the last thing on my mind would be, "Something failed let's screw them over."
My mind would just be on how to leave the situation with as little work as possible on my end and as little emotional volatility.  
As long as I don't get screwed over, usually it's me in relationships paying for shit, idk why it ends up that way; I gotta screen better. 

You can get certainty in other ways, too, you don't have to follow a ritual that other people have created, you can make your own.  Commitment is a choice, if you make it your own, then I feel that increases the chances that the other person understands what it means more than getting married, because it was better thought out and customized for who those people are.  Marriage doesn't have that.  It's a paper cut-out ritual.

I would want to make my own ritual that meant what marriage was for originally.  I'd have to have a lot of time to think about what it meant to me.
Certainty is nice, though.
It would have to be a psychedelic's ritual then; chipping away slowly at differences, inconsistencies and things like that.  Gaining more ideas during the trip and adding to it each year, like a holiday or something.  That would be actually fun instead of standing in front of a bunch of people and making it a spectacle.  

[SgtPepper]

As you can see there are a lot of ways to look at it.

Obviously if you're frame of mind is that marriage is a sort of trap where someone can betray you and take all your position, and it functions as lock on your freedom, then yeah it sounds terrible.

In my opinion though,

Marriage is a beautiful, holy, and expansive thing.

You get to be with your best friend. You get to practice unconditional love and forgiveness for the rest of your life. Create and expand your family which is a necessary foundation for any child. Strengthen your character. Get human needs for intimacy, trust, affection, and sex met. 

Your situation is a bit of a problem though. You're trying to get married by next year and you don't even have a girl whom you can propose to. So get on that if you want a valuable helpful life partner because you gotta screen out the losers.

 

Edited November 8, 2021 by SgtPepper

[Bob Seeker]

In my humble opinion, It can be a growth experience if neither of you are under the illusion that it should be your primary source of happiness (rather than becoming more of what you are), and if you are both clear that you do not need each other, nor are you bound to each other artificially forever, never able to move on if you feel called. 

So I can't say I recommend a legal marriage that is forever and messes with your finances if you decide to split up or just move on. 

[Harlen Kelly]

@Elton Marriage is like a hurricane, it starts with a lot of sucking and blowing and ends with you losing your house. 

1 hour ago, SgtPepper said:

You get to be with your best friend. You get to practice unconditional love and forgiveness for the rest of your life. Create and expand your family which is a necessary foundation for any child. Strengthen your character. Get human needs for intimacy, trust, affection, and sex met. 

You can get to do all that without involving the state in your relationship. 

[LastThursday]

2 hours ago, Loba said:

That would be actually fun instead of standing in front of a bunch of people and making it a spectacle.  

It's not for everyone, but one of the main points of a marriage ceremony is the spectacle. It cements the marriage in everyone's mind, there's buy in from all vested interests. Everyone contributes to the commitment and helps it along.

[SgtPepper]

21 hours ago, Harlen Kelly said:

@Elton Marriage is like a hurricane, it starts with a lot of sucking and blowing and ends with you losing your house. 

You can get to do all that without involving the state in your relationship. 

Yes you can. But what is your gripe with the state? Sometimes it's valid that the wife gets 50%.

Let's say, you have the typical nuclear family where the husband is the bread winner and the wife takes cares of the children, cooks, cleans, maintains social life. That is a lot of work and the wife sacrifices her ability to build skills, earn a living, build a business reputation, etc. So if they divorce, which really should be out of the questions, then the wife has to start from square one financially speaking when she sacrificed years for the husband.

It might be old rule since most women work nowadays to some extent, but it's conception didn't come out of nowhere.