Aborting Self-Actualization need help

[ValiantSalvatore]

I struggle with the issue of aborting my self-actualization process as well as to continue working in a very structured way on my projects. I can't establish a sleep routine Monday-Sunday for like 3 years or so. I tried and tested different sleep routines and take decent care of sleep hygine. Although I often feel smth. is missing and I give into cravings of for instance watching pornography for hours on end because of a high sex drive. I often feel like I miss spontaneity and I crave it and sort of give into the desire stay up late and play video games etc or listen to music. While others for instance enjoy learning languages etc. When I exchange this for instance with learning languages, programming working on courses etc. I meet my criteria of enjoying self-actualization with enough spontaneity. It is still not easy to not burn-out as well as keep a social life intact. As well as my enviroment aborted a lot of opportunities for instance with language learning and I'd have to pay a school now or learn completely on my own. There are not many intellecutal people here more hard-nosed scientists and pragmatic people.

After taking the life purpose course I was highly motivated to create routines and schedules as well as I did all of the exercises I missed updating my values because I felt that it was not neccessary to change them and I trusted my intuition. I do now update and review them as I review the content of the course. I was able to maintain some structure for 3-4month and then I completely break down because of sort of an overfocus and lack of humans to talk to. I do have the issues of for instance talking for 2-3h about a single topic when I meet a friend etc. Especially spirituality and I am usually very enthusiastic, yet I really really struggle with routine and structure although it feels very good to have routine and structure. People usually enjoy this energy and I often land in a sort of leader position which I do not like. As I struggle with the idea of power and feel very tempted by it.

Is there another community that meets regularly online for instance for self-actualization purposes most of what I found on the net were accountabillity partners. I use mooclab and other online video stuff to monitor myself when learning and recently this work very well when I try to procrastinate. 

My sort of lowest desire from my lower self is to be recognized and sort of meet my status needs this can be a simple Hi or a compliment as well as a short positive interaction where there is mutual respect. I do not have this all to often because I can have a whiff of arrogance and I mostly use this in a humerous way. Although many do not share this kind of humour. As well as positive looks that are non-judgemental and non-needy. That kind of attention feels really really good. 

Also, I stopped educating myself sort of because there is a lack of people who share similar interest I used to send hours of voice mails between a friend of mine about society and politics and this was very very healthy sort of for my ego. As well as I really felt understood. There was also some toxic stuff, so I stopped and things just change so this is not an option anymore.

My point is it is very difficult to make this short and percicse because I think a lot I could go in more depth here. I am just going to name a couple of example to explain my current abortion of self-actualization.
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Ex1:  I meet with people who are going to be PH.D's and scientist or at least master degree highly professional people. I could read endless theory and talk about it and have proper intellectual discussion while not taking this stuff so serious although these meetings only happen like once or twice a year. Since I am not fully included yet into that group. Also they don't meet that often etc. I could befriend them one by one etc. Most of them are introverted and have a lot to do. Being with them motivates me to continue with my self-directed learning about biology, politics etc. as I would need my meet to self-actualize with interests. Also, computer science topics etc. Nerdy stuff. As well as talk about practical stuff. Also, I don't have the space to invite people for the kind of activites people crave.

Ex2: I read and study completely on my own I succumb to my desire to socialize and prosletyze about the stuff I've read when talking to my casual friends etc. They enjoy listening yet I don't feel nutured because it's like tallking against a brick wall and then the entertainment industry takes over and I slide back into procrastination etc. I neglect my feelings and become depressed.

Ex3: It can get to nerdy and I loose myself completely and live like a hermit for months mostly talking to the cashier only saying Hi, Bye. Like an npc.

Ex4: I go out and message people I don't care about my studies / goals and meet people who enjoy having fun clubbing, drinking, socializing. I feel guilty for doing it I still do it and have fun and I notice then again balance is an issue. Because I then crave it more. I've been going out since I was 14 this is normal in my citiy/country. (Or was). 

Ex5: I stick to a healthy routine, eat, cook, improve, work out, talk casually, do my projects and meet my friends. Even if you can't believe it this is very diffcult for me because I lack a variety of friends BUT! I can join multiple groups. Yet, I really focused on having high quality friends in the past years and there are 3 people who I deem as high quality. Even though they have their fuck ups. As well as stick to online communities, yet I feel this online stuff really fucks up the process. 
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The main issue I have is conflicting desires and I am unsure how to meet them. I could go solo into a bar since a friend of mine owns a bar and start talking to girls even two friends of mine just to meet the need for recognition. I know it's shallow, yet I would feel way better then sitting at home alone. Since I know the owners I do have social proof and could see if I could get some numbers besides doing online dating. This also could be to much for my mental to handle. 

I know the "boring life" where I study read learn and implement 8-10h a day meets my desire for self-actualization. Yet, I seriously lack having fun when I am doing this and I would do better if I'd had a girlfriend and could explore sex etc. Sort of as a desire / motivator. Which I am currently pursuing as a goal to meet women online and have a girlfriend. I also struggle to implement a structure.

I just don't know how to fundamentally solve the issue of aborting self-actualization when it comes to my goals and projects with a solid structure I can work 40-60h a week with enough sleep and make enormous progress. I understand that it is fine to take breaks my psychologist is also worried that I overwork myself, yet I can't for fucks sake find a balance here. This craving to not be stuck in 9-5 is so strong I'd often feel I'd rather be dead. As well as I feel most of the time happy doing stuff, yet I can't somehow convince myself to do stuff and work on these projects.

Any ideas how to solve this issue permanently? I can't find a solid routine that guarantees results. Visualizations do work writting plans does work, yet I feel so dry and often people abort plans which makes me just sad that I made the effort to even create one and look stuff up.So, I abort it at one point when it feels to dry. 
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The times where I was the most consistent I was taking cold showers and meditated for 1h and did stuff after work/uni. Otherwise it seems impossible for me to do this as well as working out 3 - 5 times a week. I really like to learn and educate myself, yet I feel I am ostracizing myself by knowing more and have issues connecting to others because I see 10k issues. 

I can understand the value of doing all of this for myself, yet I really like to do stuff for other people although there are some issues here too. 

One symptomatic solution is psychedelics to spice up my life and do some contemplative work, yet I will do this next year. I just don't know what to do here sometimes I just really crave attention and honest feedback for improvement as well as some small talk. 

As well as there are some financial issues that would give me simply more access to stuff. For example I talked to hot girl at the gym today and an old classmate of mine which was very good. I don't know I secretly crave attention and to ironically let go of power while being in power. I am just very lost here and I'd really need a serious community online. 

Edited November 5, 2021 by ValiantSalvatore

[captainamerica]

11 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

Is there another community that meets regularly online for instance for self-actualization purposes most of what I found on the net were accountabillity partners. I use mooclab and other online video stuff to monitor myself when learning and recently this work very well when I try to procrastinate. 

@ValiantSalvatore  If you want someone as an accountability partner I can do that on a weekly basis. But I don't really like to share my self-actualization journey. It can be a one-way thing if you like that. You can share and I will discuss some general things. People say they enjoy discussions with me. 

You mentioned depression in your post. Let me know if you going through that. I would be more than happy to talk. Occasionally feeling down is alright, but yeah it does happen when these negative feedback loops lead to clinical depression. 

Edited November 6, 2021 by captainamerica