Dark Night of the Soul and My life Purpose

[Applegarden8]

Hello guys. Hope you will find my experience worthwile.

You will always have problems. Negativity will always be self-evident. Your fears, guilts, lacking of something will never leave you, unless you find a way to renounce it. I haven't found, so here I am.

I am very passionate about music. More than ever. If I am by myself. How much time do I have left for it to practice in a place that is appropriate and go trough creative and other grudgeries to push out music in a format everyone can underestand (from the people who will acctually relate, because it's a niche genre).

That being said, well, my country is in lockdown. I am going to play my instrument not knowing if I will have a penalty or not.

Second thing, i changed my job. The atmosphere is quite positive. Better than what I had. But. I tought I was safe. Unless i will try optimally (not like the best that I can every second) I will be safe. I was wrong. I still get grilled by my managers, "How can you forget", "Why are you doing this", "But you already had a training". Well, it is not that simple. And the feedback I receive does stem from the moods of the people up the hierarchy above me. Even if you did your best and was the most honest, you will still get flamed, you will still make mistakes and your livelyhood will always be treathened. I am really upset at this fact and the unfairness of it and how it affects my creativity. I still to this day do not know how to deal with this, but I am always willing to try again and again.

I personally DO NOT THINK I AM INCOMPETENT AT ALL. I underestand most of the factors of my actions. Forgetfulness, the nature of how people distort memories with immagination, how people make decisions, how people are ruled by decisions, how bad the communications are with other collegues, departments, managers, clients, and it's just so indirect, which just shoots in the foots of everyone. You will all have to deal with this from time to time. When you are valued as "not competent enough sometimes", or acctually your results will not comply with what is required, although the situations are just 50% not the same and not standard. How can you not make mistakes? Also everyone is driven by fear of not having their bread on the table, and in their depth kinda dissatisfied with life in general. 

I need a mental transformation. I need to know how to treat my job. One solution that is the most emotionally relieving is competence. Another is renounciation (but that is for everything, even all the comforts, life purposes and all that becomes a bunch of nonsense).

Third thing. I am feel and actually I am displaced from a large bunch of society. My values and their values don't match. I am ridiculed by my neighbours (yes, even here), I can't find many places where I can really express myself.

I can't express to anyone what I acctually think, what I acctualy want, what acctually I think life should be, I can't even share anything with most of the people I tought are my friends, I just always have to relate with them to get something I want from them, but I feel my ideas are becoming dangreous. As I said, I need a mental transformation. The worst thing is that I will forget about this incident or other incidents like that, and live in the same way and keep suffering like this. 

I know something more is possible. There is a very strong urge for the truth arising in me. At one point I even wanted a girlfriend. Who am I kidding. All this is just delaying something, which will come back as suffering. I know a few things I can do and I will do. I am so sick living in this mediocrity (and no I am not even close to suicidal or depressive), which just ends dragging everyone trough the glass.

I guess I will just read/learn extra to really assure and know, if somebody says I am incompetent in some way, I will always know, firsly, that I did my best and secondly, that I am not really stupid, because the willingness to learn is the basis of intelligence. This is under-looked, because who even cares about the truth of things? Who can think about the truth when they are emotional, desireful, fearful, angry?

Then I will proceed on fixing my diet and lifestyle so that I don't fall asleep when meditation for example and just go for it, build a steady practice for years, to develop the taste of purification. (I also really want to close down and trust nobody, mind my own business, assume the worst and share about my private life as little as possible).

The wage slavery will crop up your neck and drain the most of your life fluids. Then if you continue to share your love and gifts, I bow down to you. If you have your shit together, if you view your work ethic as not better than somebody but as an infinite potential and stick to it, i bow down for you. If you have found some truth in life, I am really happy for you. I have, but this is not enough. I feel I need to completely change the way I relate to survival and become incredibly pragmatic and meanwhile existential truth oriented. As I said, this is a good moment to leave the body, but I don't know how, so I will keep moving. Thank god this is impermanent.

And about music? Well I will try to continously make some releases from time to time, but I want to slowly turn the priority on enlightenment work and this job and then the rest would be music. I am just so done with this. 

The safest part in life is the path of responsibility, but you will be bitter, this is by design when we are educated the way we are. You will have to learn how to deal with this. I really want to let myself burn so I remember this moment and make that leap closer to sielence.

Thank you for reading.