Personal Development In Relationships

[Sarah Marie]

4 minutes ago, AlexB said:

Hey Sarah, for me it's a bit of a problem with my actual relationship because we're 2 different worlds, leaving the grey behind the problem for me personally is that there's not much to talk about anymore, except silly mundane stuff.. Infact I'm the one that starts moving away from the relationship because I want somebody that has my same life style, this may sound silly but for me personally my girl has the be my cheerleader and my number 1 fan in what I do, the relationship should grow both partners, it's a giving thing that builds it up and takes it higher and higher. This problem led me to quitting practicly all of my relations, it's pretty hard to keep up with somebody thats constantly growing themselves 

Yes, I totally agree. Which makes me wonder how marriages even work long term. 

[AlexB]

Ahahah I don't know about that, a guess I'm taking for people in our category In society is that they grow together, I immagine mantra sex and meditating together even and going around the world and they're love for life and knowledge and love for love itself ties them tight together, for me personally this is what true love has become lately 

[Sarah Marie]

17 minutes ago, AlexB said:

Ahahah I don't know about that, a guess I'm taking for people in our category In society is that they grow together, I immagine mantra sex and meditating together even and going around the world and they're love for life and knowledge and love for love itself ties them tight together, for me personally this is what true love has become lately 

I guess If the core values are the same it makes it easier for sure. Common interests too. For me, my interests have changed completely in the past 5 years so it's hard to predict.

[AlexB]

Exactly, we always like people like ourselves or how we would like to be, a quote tooked from Tony Robbins.

I studied relationships alot and a insight I got for myself is that no matter how much you love one person, even if they are the most perfect matches you could find for yourself there is always a chance for that relationship to finish it's course for some reason. 

Than again I'm young I have 24years so ny judgement could even be wrong

Edited February 13, 2016 by AlexB

[Cherylann]

 

 

 

 

I was in that same situation and I left.  

[Lup18]

Hi @Sarah_Flagg this is exactly what I am going through right now, I've been married for 10 years to a wonderful man who I really admired, and we have 2 kids. Our marriage has been complicated, because we moved to a new country recently married, and we dated for a short period of time, and the year after that we had our first child, so everything happened too fast. We were the perfect match, and care for each other, we value a lot family. However because of the pressure of work, adapting to a new country, being parents and not being able to go out a lot because of the kids, it seems that we've been missing time to spent together. 

In an effort to not just live as surviving and in a stress routine is that I looked for help and came to the path of meditation, which I just recently started and also the path of eating healthier, exercising and enjoying more with the kids outside. But he is more of a stress and tired guy who just wants to rest and watch TV.

I have had the same concerns and I've been scared to think that he is not my perfect match, but to be honest I haven't talked to him straightforward and same as you I don't want to push him to do meditation or other things like me, so I think we tend to judge them so hard, but they don't even know about it.

I would invite you to talk to him about it, share your feelings and look for common hobbies. That's what I am planning to do as I am writing to you and is giving me peace of mind. Let's try to enjoy simple things together and doesn't have to be so complicated. Simple things as walking outside for few minutes, or sitting in the backyard by the window, perhaps having dinner with wine, anything you both like to share in the present and look for opportunities to reconnect, of course not watching tv together.

But let's commit to try, and if after this you still feel that the connection is not back,then you will see that event though is scary, inside your heart and your mind you will feel what is the best for you, either to continue or to split paths, which I think is to extreme to think for now.

[Sarah Marie]

3 minutes ago, Cherylann said:

 

 

 

 

I was in that same situation and I left.  

Were you married? Kids? 

[Cherylann]

Yes.  We are officially still married.  I bought my own place a year ago.  I have two young kids.  We had a very similar story.  Quick overview:  I'm eccentric, spiritual, and artsy.   He is into sports and TV.  I am into eating healthy.  He isn't.  We were best friends.  We laughed a lot.  I was content for a good portion of our time together.  I liked having sex with him.  But, he would watch tv.  I would read, meditate... I started painting.  I tried to have deep discussions with him.  They never went very far.  He would cut them short immediately.  It would make him uncomfortable.  We grew further and further apart.  He has a bit of a temper and I am wanting peace.  It felt like being around sand paper after awhile.   I felt alone and very disconnected.  With kids and a full time job, I felt like I didn't really have time for a divorce.   But, our patience for each other grew shorter.  I stopped wanting to have sex...  I wanted more. Now that I moved out, I feel so free.  I paint, I made my home the way I want, I work on myself every night (the nights I don't have the kids or when I find time) I turn on my music and dance, do yoga, mediate, write poetry.... do whatever I want!   It is still heartbreaking at times.  We are still very much a part of each others lives.  He lives close by and we talk several times a week about the kids.  We do things together (had dinner tonight with the kids).  The kids don't really know that we aren't "together".  But, we haven't had sex in almost 3 years. I recently found he met someone in December.  It hurt.  But, I got over it.  

I want him to be loved.  I want to love myself.  So, after hanging in there for years... and years... 15 years... counseling, lexapro, and 2 kids later, I finally let go.  So, now I'm immersing myself in self help and all of the things that I love.  When I feel down or weak I might turn on a Leo video and get inspired again... I have a tool box to help me along.  I feel super strong.  I don't feel lonely.  I have so much to keep me busy and there seems to be so much out there that I want to learn.  I don't want to live a lie.  The kids part can be challenging... but, I feel better for them.  Or at least I feel like I'm growing myself to be the best I can be for them....   My goodness... I like talking more than I do typing.  haha

 

Also, my best friend died of cancer a few years ago.  I sat with her body after she died....  She was my soul friend.  The only one I could go really deep with.  After she died I read the Bhagavad Gita and had a spiritual experience during and after a meditation.  I was filled with this light energy.  I felt like nothing could hurt me.  All I wanted to do was love.  I was love.  (I am love. hehe)  I remember not wanting the feeling to leave me.  It was so amazing.  I hope one day I can get that back again.  But, I can't forget it.  It changed me.  I know there is more.  I felt it.  My connection to that is the most sacred and important thing to me.  It was difficult for me to be with someone who had zero interest in sharing that with me at that time.  

 

I had to type this quickly.   Peace & love~C

[Cherylann]

Also, he has an anger issue.  He would always be difficult and ugly towards me.  So, that can make a huge difference.  (it went both ways)  He wasn't violent.  But, he would say hurtful things and then 15 minutes later be sweet.  It was exhausting being on that merry go round.  It wasn't always like that... but, it was repeating enough that I wanted off.  

I decided I to love myself.  It didn't seem very loving to be around that any more.....

Hopefully one day he will love himself.  

[Lup18]

@Cherylann Amazing. I remembered once Leo said in one his videos, that the most difficult decisions to take are the ones that are emotionaly difficult for us, however we know are the best. Keep going and thanks for sharing your experience !

[Cherylann]

@Lup18 awe, Thank you for saying that.   

I wish you the best on your journey as well.  

[Tancrede Pouyat]

@Sarah_Flagg You and I are in the exact same situation.

I found that self-help junkies see that this work is awesome and we think that everybody around us should be doing it as well. Our problem is that we can get seriously emotionally involved with it. The way I see it, people live a horrible life, and they get really miserable. It's only at this point that we feel the need for Self-Actualization. And so this work becomes a central part of our lives.

People do not have sufficient motivation to do personal development if they haven't had a life miserable enough, that's the truth.

As long as others are not actually preventing us from doing the work, that's fine. Maybe in 10 years, when we have mastered it completely, people will start to be drawn to the work, but until then, you just have to focus on what you're doing, not what others are doing.

For me, an interesting experience that I had was the following : I wanted to eat healthy, even though I'm not the one who actually buys my food. Of course, my family rejected the change (due to homeostasis), but now I see that they're buying fewer grains and more vegetables, so it's a win for me. Of course they are not eating healthy, but I don't care, because I am.

Here's what you might want to take away. Make sure you're not emotionally attached to whether or not others are doing Self-Help work. Have discernment.

[Sarah Marie]

@Tancrede Pouyat That is exactly what was happening, I was emotionally attached. I see him suffered and think, why the hell wouldn't you do something to help yourself? Thank you, I have been feeling a lot better about it.

[FindingPeace]

I can relate to this topic exactly.

I have been with my wife for 15 years but as I have embarked on personal development over the last couple of years I have felt a growing detachment. The biggest issue is that I have to keep my personal development to myself. I can't talk about it, share or even mention it in any way. In fact she is probably largely unaware of it although I did try to encourage her to follow suit...it fell on deaf ears.

Unfortunately for me I am with someone who is completely shut off from the very idea of personal development. She sees it as something that isn't realistic and nothing but airey-fairy mumbo jumbo theory and philosophy. She knows better and she isn't going to engage with it...

So, as I learn more about development and the concepts that Leo teaches, as well as my own insights and epiphanies I find myself questioning where this will take us. I also find myself questioning the very value of relationships at all. Afterall, how do you have a functional, healthy relationship when you can't fundamentally 'relate' because you are on very different paths? It also asks the question about what sort of relationship an actualized person has and with whom?

I am interested to see what insights this thread provides on this subject.

[Water]

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I recently broke up with this wonderful girl that was on a similar path as me. The value of the knowledge I attained from our experiences is priceless. Even though we weren't on the same page all of the time it was the fact that she was honestly interested that blew me away. I watched her grow, it was difficult for her but after our talks she would question herself and I would see the fruit of her struggle in the not so distant future. "What we see in others is a reflection of ourselves" while I find this statement to be very true our reflection is not complete because each person holds a different piece of the puzzle which is you. Being with her revealed things about me I did not know existed. I realized I can never go back to an ordinary relationship. It may not be the same for everyone, these are simply my experiences.