Personal Development In Relationships

[Sarah Marie]

Are you into personal development and not your partner?

How does this work out over time?

I am married, extremely passionate about self mastery. My husband is an amazing person, but naturally we've (or I, I really don't think he notices) felt a shift since I've really committed to this. Beside the "grey areas" (which include things like him watching hours of T.V, me watching none, our diet, what we enjoy on our free time etc.) I don't necessarily feel like we are growing together. Which means we are growing apart. Recently it is making me feel like only a matter of time before he or I decide were not on the same paths. 

I am very comfortable with letting things play out whatever way they are supposed to. I am just extremely focused on self mastery, becoming more educated, enlightenment etc and it has changed the way I feel completely. It's changed my entire being. 

Parts of me feel like every relationships have their ups and downs. But, I can't help but wonder how we will connect when my habits have changed so much.

I would love to hear from those of you who have been or are in similar situations. 

** I just want to note that I have mentioned the disconnect and he said he didn't "feel" it. Also, I am very respectful of both of our journeys and don't share much of mine with him, nor do I push my personal development on him.**

[Soumya]

Hi!

I am not exactly in a similar situation , but I can very well relate to the situation. My friends are on different levels of personal development. Many do not know what it is and many have just started. I feel connected to everyone of them. It's relatable because I had been in their place.

It's glad to know that you're comfortable enough with letting things play their way. It's ok to feel disconnected at times. No one on this planet has same thoughts regarding a particular subject. A balance is needed between personal development and your relationship, which I am sure that you have maintained ! I believe we should respect the diversity in our friends and loved ones. An inward looking relationship or an inward oriented personal development strategy may not be the best option. So, be open to everything. Take care  

[Shubham]

that made me worry a little.. Cuz.. Since I am a self actualizing junkie too and at some point of my life .. I would be attracted to my mate... But what if she is not even in a bit of actualization... And she is just an anti to me which probably will slow down my journey... Even a bit... Which I don't want...

so it will be so difficult to find my mate... Cuz marriage is something that I believe is beyond any relationship except a relationship with oneself...

spouse is like subconscious partner...in a healthy relationship.. So if I don't get a common grounds how will that kind of relationship be made...?

Sarah do you think you are in a health relationship? Will it not rott with time.?

I am not negative here but seriously? In a relation like marriage...

with respect.....

[Rita]

i can relate. my partner has 0 interest in most of my hobbies (and visa versa).

i've accepted it.  i have no expectations otherwise.  

none of this interferes with our partnership tho....we have an incredibly strong household. 

from my experience it's very possible (i would even say it's ideal) to compartmentalize ones needs.  for me, i separate my emotional needs from my lifestyle needs (is he a good provider? are you a strong pair socially, etc?).  

so....does he meet your needs outside of emotional ones?

[Ayla]

1 hour ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

I don't necessarily feel like we are growing together. Which means we are growing apart.

Recently it is making me feel like only a matter of time before he or I decide were not on the same paths. 

I can't help but wonder how we will connect when my habits have changed so much.

Sarah, 

Please look into these BELIEFS: 

• does not growing together necessarily mean you are growing apart? 
• who is that YOU that feels you are not on the same path? - as an idea, we are all on the same path, either we acknowledge that or not. one is just further down the road than the other.
• trying to guess the future based on where you are now is never a good idea...many things can change. live in the now.

Last thing that comes to mind is that continuing to focus on this matter, will only bring it into existence at one point, and it will not be his doing, but your projection  

[Sarah Marie]

54 minutes ago, Spacious said:

@Sarah_Flagg These are concerns that have been felt here too. Firstly, know the transition is out of anyone's control. It will be as it will be.

The path of enlightenment means a oneness with others so this will likely cultivate deeper connections.

By working to figure out if there's a gap between you, your ego is manifesting a conceptualisation. Drop the concept and as the previous post says, live in the now.

And much gratitude for highlighting the acceptance of another's path. A lesson that is beneficial this end.

Thank you for this. Living in the now is something I am constantly working on and this is a perfect example of how my mind wanders off.

[Hunter Arrington]

My girlfriend has been into meditation for a while and sometimes I don't even think we are on the same path lol. Just because they do this stuff that doesn't mean they are the PERFECT match. We realize we are basically single now but still meet up just to like meditate. It's all about having passion for and understanding what the other is doing. 

[Sarah Marie]

17 minutes ago, Hunter Arrington said:

My girlfriend has been into meditation for a while and sometimes I don't even think we are on the same path lol. Just because they do this stuff that doesn't mean they are the PERFECT match. We realize we are basically single now but still meet up just to like meditate. It's all about having passion for and understanding what the other is doing. 

My husband seems to be supportive. Our relationship is definitely healthy. He always supports my (never ending) continuing education, meditation time, etc. He has mentioned on more then one occasion how he's never seem anyone as determined and focused on their passion as me.  His passions are different then mine, he really loves sports (which I totally respect, but naturally we see each other less and less).

In all other aspects we seem to make a great team. Our parenting styles are similar, we both split chores/income, I am more "book smart" while he can literally build anything. Ying and Yang would be one way to describe us in general. 

Perhaps I just needed a new perspective to change my state of mind, thank you all for replying.

 

[Rita]

it sounds like you have a strong partnership and equitable household.  that's good.  that's rare.

the worst thing you could do is disrupt an otherwise functional/productive household because not all your (higher) needs are being meet by ONE person.  

women are complex creatures and your 'extra' complex given your intelligence (evident by your pursuit of higher intellect).  

There is nothing wrong with looking-up to a man to care for you...that's the social contract (i'll elaborate another time)....but it's a shitty system because traditional society only allow's us 1 man. (first it's dad than it's the dude).

I have 4 buckets of needs. Maybe make your own list and pencil the name of the fellow who fufills each?

Mine if its helpful (and in order of basic->advanced):

1. lifestyle/survival
2. intellectual/spiritual
3. sexual/emotional 
4. professional/career/ambition

[Avi]

7 minutes ago, Rita said:

it sounds like you have a strong partnership and equitable household.  that's good.  that's rare.

the worst thing you could do is disrupt an otherwise functional/productive household because not all your (higher) needs are being meet by ONE person.  

women are complex creatures and your 'extra' complex given your intelligence (evident by your pursuit of higher intellect).  

There is nothing wrong with looking-up to a man to care for you...that's the social contract (i'll elaborate another time)....but it's a shitty system because traditional society only allow's us 1 man. (first it's dad than it's the dude).

I have 4 buckets of needs. Maybe make your own list and pencil the name of the fellow who fufills each?

Mine if its helpful (and in order of basic->advanced):

1. lifestyle/survival
2. intellectual/spiritual
3. sexual/emotional 
4. professional/career/ambition

Hey Rita! This is super interesting to read. 

So are you saying that you would want 4 different men to fulfill each area? I'm just curious because I'm currently reading a book about polygamous relationships so I'm curious on your view.  

[Sarah Marie]

14 minutes ago, Rita said:

it sounds like you have a strong partnership and equitable household.  that's good.  that's rare.

the worst thing you could do is disrupt an otherwise functional/productive household because not all your (higher) needs are being meet by ONE person.  

women are complex creatures and your 'extra' complex given your intelligence (evident by your pursuit of higher intellect).  

There is nothing wrong with looking-up to a man to care for you...that's the social contract (i'll elaborate another time)....but it's a shitty system because traditional society only allow's us 1 man. (first it's dad than it's the dude).

I have 4 buckets of needs. Maybe make your own list and pencil the name of the fellow who fufills each?

Mine if its helpful (and in order of basic->advanced):

1. lifestyle/survival
2. intellectual/spiritual
3. sexual/emotional 
4. professional/career/ambition

Thanks for this suggestion, I'm going to take the time to do this. I'd say we're really good team except maybe our hobbies don't match up? But I view my passion the same as my career. Out of the three you mentioned I'd say the only "need" not being met would be intellectual/spiritual. 

But I also and not sure I feel I should ask this of him. 

[Rita]

Hi Avi,

Yes. that's basically what I'm saying.  

But I don't think of it as some-weirdo-morman-or-weirdo-swinger-type-thing......which is what comes to my mind by the word "polygamous"...

You know who fulfills #4 (professional/career/ambition)?  My boss.  He's an amazing leader and I'm inspired by him.  I learn from him.  He's risen quickly up the corporate ladder, and as a result, so do I.

But this is 100% equitable and reciprocal.  I work for him.  He delegates to me and I deliver (and want to!) high quality work.   

This is a healthy/successful working relationship between a man and woman and not anything 'polygamous'.  See what I mean?

-Rita

[Avi]

@Rita Ah yes, I totally understand. There are men in your life but not all of them are sexual but some of them fulfill other parts of your life.  

[Rita]

@Sarah_Flagg well...my vote is that you don't expect this of him.  For intellectual/spiritual....why not @Leo Gura?  

[Sarah Marie]

@Rita this is such an interesting approach. What if your boss were female? Does it have to be a man?

[Sarah Marie]

Just now, Rita said:

@Sarah_Flagg well...my vote is that you don't expect this of him.  For intellectual/spiritual....why not @Leo Gura?  

Well I mean I definitely watch all his videos. Up until this forum I literally only had Leo who spoke my "language". Now I have a bunch of people to connect with, who make me feel like I have so much to learn, it's humbling. I guess I have never thought of it this way. 

[Rita]

@Sarah_Flagg for me yes.  i respond to men more than women (but I have daddy issues).  i see no reason why it can't be a woman boss or just your girlfriends in general.

[Rita]

@Avi Totally.  

I mean sure, he'd probably f*ck me given the chance.   

(And visa versa. He's a rockstar to me.)

But I bring him value other than that.  These things aren't mutually exclusive.  We're more evolved than apes.

Edited February 12, 2016 by Rita

[Rita]

@Sarah_Flagg i like your positivity.  cheers to our leo-loving-online-forum friendship!

[AlexB]

Hey Sarah, for me it's a bit of a problem with my actual relationship because we're 2 different worlds, leaving the grey behind the problem for me personally is that there's not much to talk about anymore, except silly mundane stuff.. Infact I'm the one that starts moving away from the relationship because I want somebody that has my same life style, this may sound silly but for me personally my girl has the be my cheerleader and my number 1 fan in what I do, the relationship should grow both partners, it's a giving thing that builds it up and takes it higher and higher. This problem led me to quitting practicly all of my relations, it's pretty hard to keep up with somebody thats constantly growing themselves 

Edited February 13, 2016 by AlexB