Burning through Material Desire / Possible Trauma

[chakra_7654321]

Hey there, hope all is well. Just want to start off by saying I've been following Self Help especially Actualized, and have even took the Life Purpose Course for awhile. 

After watching the recent video about Exhausting  Materialistic  Desire, there's a particular domain that needs to be handled ASAP. Doing the Letting Go technique has helped, but needs to be Exhausted, as it as made a huge impact on my mental health, deteriorating it to the point where I cut out caffeine, and take 5mg Adderall to calm me down. The topic is... dating.

In no way shape or form am I blaming Leo, but after listening to his content, I've become very analytical. That is not a bad thing, I am glad I've developed the ability to think deeper. 

But this has had a major negative impact on my dating life. I think too much in social settings. ''Just be yourself'', well, that's a problem. When I am myself, I tend to say some really bizarre, socially uncalibrated things which pushes people away. I am able to create a good first impression. ''Why not read Dale's famous book''. I think so much in social settings that if I were to think about any social principles, I would start thinking too much and lose the ''flow'' of the conversation. It's been like this before watching self help content, just got worst after investing a lot of time into Leo's work (which is NOT a bad thing, very happy that Leo does what he does)

The thing is, I've placed a high value of being able to attract a partner, being a man whore, and making a lot of friends, because socializing with people is very fulfilling because it's fun. I also enjoy my alone time just as much. But the thing is, in conversations, I think too much, plain and simple. After hearing and contemplating things such as ''social matrix has no meaning, being alone is the way to go, not needing other people etc.'', it's safe to say I've taken that to the extreme and it doesn't help the situation. 

Currently I am in college, studying Computer Science and love every course that I've been in except non relevant classes. I see a female that I find attractive, and I would like to approach and make a conversation. Things run in my mind such as what do I say, how do I show intent without being creepy, this and that thing. On the other side of the spectrum, I'll say some bizarre things. Case in point, I went out on Halloween with a Female friend who brought 2 of her female friends with her. I got to know them, we had fun pre gamming. We went to a small house party before the main event, and there were a bunch of females there. Did I get into my head about what to say? Nope, I had some alcohol in me to loosen me up. I talked to almost everyone there. 45 min into the party, my female friends came up to me and asked me ''Are the other girls being mean to you?'' I said ''No why?''. My main friend, who knows about my social skills, and knows how I am big into self help told me 'because you're being cringy'. She didn't say this in a bad way, she followed up with ''just be yourself''. Welp... that was myself. If I start filtering what to say, I then think to myself, ''this socializing is pointless''. My friend has told me ''I am too woke to be socializing with college people'' 

This translate into dating as well. I've had success in the past. but I'm too much into my head about what to do. I've also seen way to many dating advice on YouTube, and there's so much information out there, it becomes hard to apply anything. Currently, I am following the channel Alpha Male Strategies. He does have some pretty toxic content, as it is Red Pill, but he also talks about having Purpose, Hobbies, and not needing women for a source of happiness.

Does anyone have any recommendations? Please don't say ''Let go of outcome'' because I try my best to do so. It's even been as far as letting go too much. Also, you're probably thinking ''don't hang out with people that don't appreciate you''. While I agree, there's comes a point in time where you sit down and say ''what's wrong with me''  Another issue is that if I am socializing with someone, and I say something bizarre, I have a lot of difficulty letting that go. I get angry, shameful of myself because I am way to hard on myself, which is a topic for another time.

Hope this wasn't too long. Have a great rest of your day

 

 

[aurum]

@chakra_7654321

My advice for you would be to just keep socializing. Focus on learning, not perfection. Transmute those painful past experiences into motivation.

The more time you spend around people who are socially calibrated, the more it will subconsciously rub off on you. You’ll see more and more what is appropriate in what circumstances if you’re observant.

Also, I’d keep doing any inner work you may already be doing like meditation, yoga etc. A lot of what seems like awkwardness can actually be trauma / an overactive nervous system.

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, chakra_7654321 said:

Does anyone have any recommendations?

The solution is obvious and simple, but not easy: Go out and socialize 3-4 times per week and approach 1000s of girls.

This process will force you out of your logical mind.

You are not going to solve this problem by sitting at home thinking about it. Nor will you just "let it go". You need to retrain how your whole mind operates in social situations. And the only way to do that is to throw yourself into hundreds and thousands of social situations consistently until your mind is forced to change.

Check out Owen Cook's channel on YT. His whole channel is about how to do this.

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura Would you reccomend daygame at the mall or at parks? I want to give it a try, especially at parks, it suits me for some reason. Keep in mind, i do not care much about how hot the girl is, i just want to improve my skills and talk to them.

What opener would you reccomend for a beginner regarding daygame?

Edited November 5, 2021 by Karmadhi

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Karmadhi said:

@Leo Gura Would you reccomend daygame at the mall or at parks? I want to give it a try, especially at parks, it suits me for some reason. Keep in mind, i do not care much about how hot the girl is, i just want to improve my skills and talk to them.

What opener would you reccomend for a beginner regarding daygame?

If you just want to socialize, day game is a poor choice because volume of people is low and they are all busy doing stuff so they will not stand around just chatting with you. Day game is good for direct approaches and getting phone numbers.

If you want serious socialization practice then bars would be ideal.

If you approach a girl during the day, you need to be hitting on her directly. You're not there to chit-chat.

If you want the easiest way to practice socializing, go to a mall and socialize with all the clerks. Don't hit on them, just try to see how long you can keep a friendly conversation going. Go during the slow part of the day where they have nothing to do but talk to you.

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura No i want to get better with girls specifically. I already have friends and it is very easy for me to be likable and make friends but i want basically to get better with girls. I want to talk to a lot of new girls basically. Your advice "Go out and talk to girls", well that is basically what i want to do.

However i want to do it in a way and manner that suits me and day game really suits me. Bars could also work but most girls my age do not really go to bars much and i often see them with big groups and stuff. In malls and parks it is more chill.  So i will start with that first. Maybe i will also include bars eventually but as a start i want to try parks and malls.  

[Leo Gura]

@Karmadhi Here's how you do day game:

 

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura Thank you!

Which places did you personally use ? Personally i am into parks and malls and maybe on wide boulevard type streets. Squares are good too, even though half the people are just tourists.

[Leo Gura]

@Karmadhi Wherever the girls are in your city. It's very specific to city.

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura I plan to do it thursday, saturday and sunday afternoons and sometimes during the day wheneveri can. The ideal would be 10 girls per session totalling to around 30 a week. 120 a month. Will probably make some update threads on the couple of months. I am terrified and excicted at the same time haha.

[Leo Gura]

It's not easy to find 10 cute girls during the day. Requires a very high volume location.

[Nahm]

15 hours ago, chakra_7654321 said:

But this has had a major negative impact on my dating life. I think too much in social settings. ''Just be yourself'', well, that's a problem. When I am myself, I tend to say some really bizarre, socially uncalibrated things which pushes people away.

Being yourself is never a problem. It’s always the best way to go. Address those thoughts about yourself. Nothing’s ‘wrong’ with you. Understand everyone experiences thoughts about themself which don’t feel good, because they aren’t true about themself. It’s called conditioning. Beliefs we picked up from others. Beliefs which didn’t feel good to them either btw, but they suppressed their emotional guidance. Don’t do that. We tryin to wake this place up, not suppress ourselves more. 

It’s actually really good that you’ve tried to be other than you are, like someone else or someone else’s ideal self image. It’s great because, as you mentioned, now you know from direct experience that it neither feels good nor does it actually help or work. That’s because you’re actually awesome, as you are, without ‘trying to be’ anything at all. If that sounds nuts, notice the beliefs to the contrary arising. They’re just beliefs. That’s why the way you’re attempting to go about this feels terrible. You’re trying to suppress those discordant thoughts / beliefs, rather than expressing how you feel and in doing so, understanding the emotions you are experiencing. To begin to express and understand is a long term approach. Whatever is suppressed only gets worse the longer it is suppressed. I think you’re directly experiencing that too.  The sooner you let it out and understand emotions the better. It’s conditioning and we’re all in that together. Everyone experiences it. Not everyone takes the time to understand and thus be free of it. 

15 hours ago, chakra_7654321 said:

I get angry, shameful of myself because I am way to hard on myself, which is a topic for another time.

Do a little work on these beliefs about yourself & the emotions you’re experiencing. Be willing to be humble enough to consider that the issue you’re experiencing is that you don’t understand the emotions you’re experiencing. Certain thoughts about yourself don’t feel good, because they’re not true. With twenty minutes of daily morning meditation, you’ll experience less attachment to these discordant thoughts, and it feels really great to feel your true self, without the confusion of the beliefs. 

With using the emotional scale each day, just for ten minutes or so, you’ll really begin to realize for yourself that you’ve been experiencing emotions but believing they’re about you. They aren’t, they’re about the thoughts you’re thinkin - about you. And some of the thoughts you’re thinkin about yourself are just very untrue, and really just not good, and not very kind to yourself honestly. You learned these ways of thinking about yourself from others. It didn’t come from you. That’s how conditioning works. Suppression is learned, not natural. That’s why these thoughts don’t feel good. Because you are good exactly as you are now already. Clearly, you are not analytical or interested in a new self image, to mask & suppress the underlying discord. Again, it’s good that you’ve tried this to see for yourself what works and what doesn’t. 

A meditation tip… ‘letting it go’ is really letting the thought attachments go. It means no longer believing the ‘negative’ thoughts about yourself, which you learned in your childhood. No one can really ‘let go of thoughts’. But anyone can return attention to relaxing and feeling breathing from the stomach. That’s how one lets go of something. It feels great, and after just a few days you’ll have much more clarity in regard to these discordant thoughts and beliefs about yourself. You’ll see for yourself that it is the thought which doesn’t feel good - and not you - and thus you’ll realize that it is because they aren’t true - about you - and you’re good however you are. Relationship wise, some will prefer you as in feel chemistry and attraction, and some won’t. But you won’t feel uncomfortable or rejected, because you’ll understand this, and your emotions, and those discordant thoughts won’t even arise anymore. 

Trying to be someone or something you’re not obviously doesn’t feel good to you.. and so it should come as no surprise to you that this doesn’t feel good for anyone else either, when they do it. Everyone, just like you, just wants to feel comfortable and relaxed, having fun & enjoying life, just being themself. With a little meditation each morning and a little understanding your experience of emotions, you’ll feel comfortable being yourself. Those awkward discordant thoughts won’t arise anymore, and there won’t be ‘a problem’ anymore. And this will be most attractive, because everyone wants the same thing you want. They might not cognitively realize it, but they’ll be attracted in a most fundamental way. 

As a pretty wonderful side effect of meditation and understanding emotions, you’ll also find this natural attracting applies to literally everything in your life. The relationship between focusing what you want (desire) and discordant thoughts about yourself or what you want (doubt) will get clearer and clearer from the meditation and using the emotional scale… and you’ll realize for yourself it was always the law of attraction at play. You’ll understand how it works, and you’ll naturally attract everything you want, and our infinite being will naturally be it. This is not a trick or a secret, this is understanding what you’re already experiencing, rather than suppressing emotional guidance by trying to be someone or something you’re not. 

Trying to get happy or feel good about yourself using other people is very short term thinking and doesn’t really resonate or work, because it’s an attempt to disconnect from emotions. It’ll become really clear and obvious to you that happiness, feeling good, or, good feeling, isn’t actually coming from someone else, and any thing else, it’s within you. Always. It the very reason some of the thoughts and beliefs don’t feel good. 

Here’s some tools to help you… 

The Emotional Scale

Expression Journal

Stoking Creativity Try some of the healing modalities, experience them directly to realize the benefits. 

Improv Writing As you bring meditation and alignment of thoughts with emotional guidance into your life, you’re going to notice how often you focus on thoughts of what you don’t want, of undesirable outcomes, and of thoughts about yourself which don’t feel good (beliefs). This exercise is a super easy way to shift habits of focusing, to what you do want, what does feel good. 

Have fun with it. Life is supposed to be fun. The whole experience is precisely as experienced - it’s all for you. Feel free to message me anytime, I’d love to help with any questions you have. 

 

[Depersonilized]

@chakra_7654321 You know, I really don't believe that being very analytical in social situations is a problem in and of itself. I can only guess, but it might be that anxiety is what's causing you to "over-analyze" when you're in the heat of a conversation. That has been my experience anyway. I'd say the root of that is perhaps you said something odd one time or multiple times in the midst of a conversation in your childhood and got unfavorable reactions from others, which created the anxiety. Then anxiety made that worse overtime creating a negative feedback loop.

To start, I'd say make use of that analytical mind of yours. Personally, unless it's just me and one other friend hanging out, especially one I know very well already, I have trouble adding to the conversation when the other is in the midst of making a point or in the middle of describing something. Anxiety has a way of disrupting an intuitive approach to conversing. So what I did was started really listening to people; repeating words or phrases that the other said where I felt I had a stronger reaction or felt was important either to them or to me; and asking questions (asking questions can direct the conversation or open it up more and are usually easy pinpoint). Once the other is finished making their point, you can draw from your listening skills and then analyze what the other said to create a well-thought out point of your own. Obviously, you don't want to take too long doing this, but this allows for some space for you to think rather than only intuit. 

Basically, what I'm getting at is make use of your strengths and weaknesses. If you can get the results you want out of life with an approach that best fits your mindset, do that. After you are able sort through yourself and find/create healthy approaches to life to accommodate for your weaknesses if at all possible then you can go back and start working on those weaknesses; healing trauma; fixing anxiety, etc. Find out who you are and establish yourself/ego-mind before you run off and start trying to change your personality lol. You know what I mean? Good luck, my friend. 

P.S. Women like good listeners. Just sayin'. 

Edited November 10, 2021 by Depersonilized

[Bando]

Just keep meeting new people who cares what 3-4 chicks say about how your socializing, don't form your personality to fit in or please others if you don't align with it.

In terms of fixing your game aim to go out 2x times a week minimum, here's a trick you can try, i used to do this in the beginning phases of going out. I used to have one airpod in my ear while I approached and recorded my interactions and would listen to them on my way back home or something.

Learning to control voice tonality is one of the most important factors in devloping an attractive personality.