Restoring Feminine Energy

[ndm678]

@Leo Gura we had that talk. I was informed I was self centered, paranoid, and delusional.  

[ndm678]

@kamwalker about 2 months

[ndm678]

@mememe your absolutely right in your points. Clearly I haven't been handling the situation in a positive manner. Do you have any suggestsuggestions? I've really gone out of my way to take some of her home duties. I bring her home her favorite treats, provide tons of backrubs and foot rubs, I let her vent her frustrations (mostly work related). I am by no means perfect, but I feel I have really been super cool. In fact I was 'The best boyfriend ever' a few hours before 'wasn't needed'

[ndm678]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

@ndm678 What kind of work does she do? Maybe she's under the impression that the masculine energy is required in her work and she tries to fit into that environment? It is pretty common to wear the new energetic signature all the time when you are in a transition period.

She works for The State. She's now a supervisor for stereotypical state workers. She coordinates with partnering agencies (who behave like stereotypical state workers). She's a bulldog and effective in what she does.

 

Just make sure that she knows that her feminine energy is required at home and that she will eventually need to learn to switch between the two. Maybe she will learn to be adaptable in this respect and your dynamic could improve over a longer period of time.

This is a good point. The work/home boundary is pretty blurry, I feel like I get caught on that wind sometimes. It's cool, I get it, but its crappy because it happens so much.

 

[zazen]

This thread begs the question of how to maintain a long term relationship, would love Leo's insight on it. As the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt, and living together only accelerates the time until this occurs. Space, and letting the other miss you is important in keeping a relationship healthy and the spark there.  

Novelty, and creating new experiences to bond over. Showing your partner you are valued through social proof, or her seeing you interacting and being treated well by other people, could be your friends/family, or waitresses/store clerks etc. We become blind to what we have, and need to be reminded of it by 3rd parties. Fear of loss kicks in, or competition anxiety which is healthy to a certain extent. If you push it too far the level of insecurity it causes will backfire and she'll end up leaving, its a balancing act. 

Value (your strengths as a man financially, socially, emotionally, physically)  has to be balanced with comfort (your commitment and connection to her , that she has access to that value and can feel safe). In relationships and in giving your commitment to a woman never lose your value which is what she wanted to secure in the first place. You can relax a little bit as once theirs emotional buy in and a history, women don't want to lose that (sunken cost fallacy) but it can't drop so low. What is promised / committed to in courtship has to be maintained and delivered in relationship.

Edited November 5, 2021 by zazen

[SamC]

1 hour ago, ndm678 said:

@Leo Gura we had that talk. I was informed I was self centered, paranoid, and delusional.  

I think this is a good sign that you should brake up with her.

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, ndm678 said:

@Leo Gura we had that talk. I was informed I was self centered, paranoid, and delusional.  

Then walk away. She does not respect you enough to listen to your genuine relationship concerns. Which means there is no genuine communication happening. Which means your relationship is already dead.

[something_else]

4 hours ago, ndm678 said:

@Leo Gura we had that talk. I was informed I was self centered, paranoid, and delusional.  

Time to say bye bye

[SgtPepper]

Maybe she just needs to have a girl's night out?

When was the last time you guys went out on a date? Dinner, dressed up nice?

At some point you might have to pull back, emotionally and time wise. Just invest more in yourself and less in her since it's not fair to you.

 

Edited November 5, 2021 by SgtPepper

[tsuki]

@Leo Gura Lol, pua relationship advice: doesn't work? Walk away.

[ndm678]

@SgtPepper we haven't gone out since the pandemic hit. She is petrified of it and I, in good faith, cannot compel anyone to go out in a global pandemic.

I'm not so sure she has friends anymore. I have not seen nor heard anything about them in a really long time

[tsuki]

Things are hard for her. She has a new job, no friends, afraid of the pandemic, and a boyfriend that tells her that she's not feminine. Some women tend to turtle up in times of distress. They need to feel safe to be feminine.

Have you tried to do something good for her? Like giving her a massage, etc? It's not always incompatibilty. Sometimes it's just the world shit-testing your bond.

Edited November 5, 2021 by tsuki

[SgtPepper]

17 minutes ago, ndm678 said:

@SgtPepper we haven't gone out since the pandemic hit. She is petrified of it and I, in good faith, cannot compel anyone to go out in a global pandemic.

I'm not so sure she has friends anymore. I have not seen nor heard anything about them in a really long time

Okay, I would bet that is the problem. Couples need to continue 'dating' each other even deep in the relationship. It keeps everything fresh, puts you out in front of men and women, which will get your guys on your best behavior haha; potentially re-kindle what you guys found attractive in each other in the first place.

Even if you guys just go out on a picnic or just walk somewhere and grab some ice cream with masks. 

I also agree with @tsuki

I just think between you both, you need to go on a romantic date that can inspire that masculine and feminine harmony. 

Edited November 5, 2021 by SgtPepper

[something_else]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

Things are hard for her. She has a new job, no friends, afraid of the pandemic, and a boyfriend that tells her that she's not feminine. Some women tend to turtle up in times of distress. They need to feel safe to be feminine.

Have you tried to do something good for her? Like giving her a massage, etc? It's not always incompatibilty. Sometimes it's just the world shit-testing your bond.

Being stressed isn't really an excuse for things like:

Quote

we had that talk. I was informed I was self centered, paranoid, and delusional. 

Quote

I should 'be thankful with what I've gotten and shut up'.

These are clear red flags. Obviously we are only hearing one side of this, but I struggle to think of reasonable circumstances in which the above things are acceptable to say.

 

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

@Leo Gura Lol, pua relationship advice: doesn't work? Walk away.

Why would you stay in a relationship that's not working?

[tsuki]

32 minutes ago, something_else said:

Being stressed isn't really an excuse for

Of course it is. People say all kinds of stupid shit they don't mean when they are stressed out. I certainly have. She may even believe what she's saying but that only means she's delusional, not evil (morally speaking). All she wants is to feel good, but the method they both chose to achieve it deeply ineffective.

32 minutes ago, something_else said:

These are clear red flags. Obviously we are only hearing one side of this, but I struggle to think of reasonable circumstances in which the above things are acceptable to say.

There are no circumstances in which these things are acceptable to say. There are, however, circumstances in which these things are easy to say.

32 minutes ago, something_else said:

Why would you stay in a relationship that's not working?

Because relationships don't work when people involved aren't mature enough. They are a vehicle for growth, which starts by realizing that "something isn't working".

Edited November 5, 2021 by tsuki

[tsuki]

37 minutes ago, mememe said:

no person is mature enough for relationships. by the way if you can’t be childish in a relationship it won’t work.

Having fun has nothing to do with being immature. On the contrary, immature people tend to be stiff, perfectionistic, having unreasonably high expectations and get triggered by every other fuckup. Speaking from experience.

Edited November 5, 2021 by tsuki

[ndm678]

38 minutes ago, mememe said:

@ndm678 what could she mean with selfcentered, paranoid and delusional? it might be an overemphasised expression for a deeper problem regarding your general day to day communication.

did you ask her to get specific about the accusations?

I'm self centered because I don't want constantly hang out at her place and do her projects. I have, and done that, I want to have fun too 

I'm paranoid because I believe our relationship is starting to fail, I expressed how I felt I've become her gay male girlfriend.

I'm delusional because, this is the script that lead to the end of my marriage. the same sliding/losing grip feeling. I'm aware it's not fair, and fairly neurotic to compare the two. But when the intimacy (with and without sex) is missing, nothing positive follows.

i mean in what way? most people are selfcentered, paranoid and delusional from time to time especially during covid a lot of people had weird phases - so what makes her point that out in relation to her? how did she get affected by that?

I get pissy when she's working past her work hours. I got pissy when we took a vacation day to be with one another. She decided to catch up on work instead. 

I get pissy when she let's her dog in the bed at night (and disrupts me). 

I was informed I can accept her for her, or I can leave.

I admit, I'm not good at communicating my feelings/emotions. It was an earlier critique of me, by her. I decided to lean into those and be more vulnerable. That seemed to flip something very troubling.

She isn't interested in couples therapy, but strongly encourages me to go on my own.

I think,, overly, without the outside stresses, she values it. However, what happens when one doesn't water plants?

I would rather repair this rupture, I love her to bits. She's an amazing woman, minus the past few months.

 

[ndm678]

14 minutes ago, mememe said:

17 minutes ago, ndm678 said:

I get pissy when she let's her dog in the bed at night.

 

ugh - i‘m out of this convo.

13 minutes ago, mememe said:

Am I the only person who finds this peticular thing, revolting?

@mememe thank you for talking with me about this thread. I appreciate your perspective.

@mememe

[ndm678]

1

Edited November 5, 2021 by ndm678
Delete

[ndm678]

I feel this got off topic. Thans for all your insite.