Always Checking for my gf dms

[Ingit]

I have a very bad habit.. of continuously checking my whatsapp... happened with me everytime I am talking to a girl... I ma currently talking to one girl over phone (long distance relation)... its been over 5 months and She seems to be a Good girl ...I am constantly worried what If she is talking to other guys (even though she might not) always Checking my phone for her messages (also she is busy due to her upcoming exam)... what if she dumps me... this brings a Lot of anxiety to me... we talk a lot on phone yesterday... but today as I don’t saw her message, my mind was almost busy the whole day thinking if she loves me enough... this has happened me with every girl I was trying to get serious with... i am very possessive and wants validation from my girl to feel better... Otherwise anxiety takes me over... when she messages me I feel relieved.... I almost feels like an irresistible desire to check phone for her message and an insecurity in me that i may not be good enough... i need to get over this

thanks ?

[Preety_India]

I tend to suffer similarly. Constant checking. Assure yourself and tone it down. It's a gateway to negative thoughts and arguments in relationships that are needless. Tone it down a bit and you'll be fine. The other person is generally unaware of how much we miss them. Happens. But don't let it get extreme.

 

[Shin]

You need to develop more self love.

This neediness is here because you believe you can't be complete/happy without a woman.

[Rilles]

Youre co-dependent.

[Ingit]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

I tend to suffer similarly. Constant checking. Assure yourself and tone it down. It's a gateway to negative thoughts and arguments in relationships that are needless. Tone it down a bit and you'll be fine. The other person is generally unaware of how much we miss them. Happens. But don't let it get extreme.

 

Thanks for the advice... i have a very negative Mindset

[Jacob Morres]

its not black and white - as sometimes the girl might actually be not putting effort into the relationship and that severely amplifies the feelings (ime). like human beings have needs. i think if she is honest , faithful and attentive then there may be some healing on your part. hope you find your answer

Edited November 2, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Ingit]

20 minutes ago, Shin said:

You need to develop more self love.

This neediness is here because you believe you can't be complete/happy without a woman.

Self Love How!? I really don’t love that much of me.

 

18 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Youre co-dependent.

Yes dependent on assurances of her 

[Ingit]

3 minutes ago, Jacob Morres said:

its not black and white - as sometimes the girl might actually be not putting effort into the relationship and that severely amplifies the feelings (ime). like human beings have needs. i think if she is honest , faithful and attentive then there may be some healing on your part. hope you find your answer

The problem with me Is I need validation every day and reassurances... i want my girl like to text me every single hour and that is frustating... I don’t know what is wrong with me

[Rilles]

2 minutes ago, Ingit said:

Yes dependent on assurances of her 

Codependent is a real thing. Read up, it will help you alot, you want to be in an INTERdependent relationship ultimately.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319873

[Ingit]

14 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Codependent is a real thing. Read up, it will help you alot, you want to be in an INTERdependent relationship ultimately.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319873

Thank you I will read that... i am so sick of this habit of mine... ruined most of my time... i need to break it enough Unnecessary weight on my heart ?

[Ingit]

@Rilles I am reading the article and most of the things it says is true in me... i went physical abuse with my ex whom i loved her so much just to force her more love on me and Which Will escalate my self esteem and confidence??

[Preety_India]

38 minutes ago, Ingit said:

Thanks for the advice... i have a very negative Mindset

Yes we tend to get needy in relationships. I have neediness too. Usually arises from lack of self love, lack of family support, low self worth, trauma, lack of love in life etc. It takes time to build a level of confidence where you won't feel that needy. I was extremely needy before. I still am but it's much better now than how it used to be. 

 

[Shin]

2 hours ago, Ingit said:

The problem with me Is I need validation every day and reassurances... i want my girl like to text me every single hour and that is frustating... I don’t know what is wrong with me

Nothing is wrong with you, a lot of people feel this way to some degree.

Are you also the same with your friends/acquaintances/family ?

As in you need to be accepted and reassured by them ?

[Ingit]

2 hours ago, Shin said:

Nothing is wrong with you, a lot of people feel this way to some degree.

Are you also the same with your friends/acquaintances/family ?

As in you need to be accepted and reassured by them ?

To a Very little degree but mostly with The Girl I am talking to now.. believe me It sucks energy outta me

[Shin]

4 hours ago, Ingit said:

To a Very little degree but mostly with The Girl I am talking to now.. believe me It sucks energy outta me

Have you read those ?

https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1635870999&sr=1-1

https://www.amazon.com/Raise-Your-Self-Esteem-Action-Oriented-Self-Confidence/dp/0553266462/ref=tmm_mmp_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1635871022&sr=1-2

Seems like a need to feel validated cause you have a very bad image of you, which more than often leads to a poor self esteem, victim/needy/helpless mindset.

That may feel true for now, but what can also feel true is that you can have no limits to what you can achieve in your head, and also be totally content with what you have (which doens't mean you go for what you still want).

[mememe]

@Ingit imagine you would get so obsessed about reassurance that one day you will accuse her of doing stuff happening in your mind alone - but she would not forgive you for the accusation. (this is a total trap you creating to mess it up). 

really sit down and imagine that until the point where you start distrusting yourself for betraying her with distrust.

ocd self fulfilling prophecy

also imagine what would happen if she betrays you? she would do it anyways, but if she would, you would be in rage, because you already knew it. maybe this would be also a self-fulfilling prophecy, even. or it would be for yourself to feel better, just in case. there would be a special feeling to it, you already started to create, even if you just randomly split you already created that feeling.

 

obsession is not logical but creates karma (if you like that concept or not) - maybe therefore you need to create a bit more logical behavior, you can make a rule together, asking her that you are texting or calling each other at a certain hour, not making it relevant who calls? and if she doesn’t, you just do? without questioning who calls more often. 

tell her that you are insecure, too. not in a needy way, just that you need a fix time every day. train yourself not checking for some days, inbetween those dates. or even switch your phone off for extended timeframes for some days, set a time for when you receive messages and if you are down that you didn’t receive any message, you could ask her in the evening on your fixed date about her day, how she feels - maybe she had a stressful day. or you just write her directly when you checked after several hours, that you miss her, knowing that she probably is happy to read that. if you are not able to build healthy communication where you also encourage her, it won’t work out anyways. 

if this sounds like not worth a try, you already prepare for a drama or tragedy.

by the way, might be that there is another issue under the surface you should work on to feel peaceful and trusting in any personal relationship. you could try to figure out where you got that from (family, culture, movies, beliefs, or really personality?maybe a mix) envision how you would like to be instead.

 

[something_else]

I had a tendency to do this when I was heavy into online dating

It was because at any given time, I'd likely only be talking to one girl, maybe two. And it felt like a lot of work to move onto the next girl if for whatever reason it didn't work out or she ghosted me.

So I was heavily invested in one girl I'd never met, only snapchatted, and barely knew. Which is bad.

Ideally you should feel like it's not a huge deal if for whatever reason this doesn't work out because you know you can attract another girl, especially since you've never met in person

[Leo Gura]

You're stuck in scarcity. Go meet new girls, hotter girls.

[Shin]

Like Leo say meet more girl too and date them

You'll see that even the hottest ones are so full or neurosis that you will quickly stop putting them on a pedestal

[Ingit]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You're stuck in scarcity. Go meet new girls, hotter girls.

MayBe you are right... But i am afraid of meeting Girls above my Level lol I feel inside they have much higher value than me ?