I realized that I am God but now I am confused

[Naol]

Hi there, I would love to get feedbacks about what's happening to me now, I am a little bit confused. To give you a little bit of context, I have been doing mushrooms maybe 6-7 times, but the last two trips were very, very different, so much profound than the other ones. (Sorry if my english is not perfect, I am french). Here a sum up of my experiences:

 

Trip 1: 1.5g of shrooms (very fresh and powerful, I grow them myself) , October 15th

• Tripping calmly then I accidentally looked at my hand and realized that my body is not me : I am the thing which is seeing, which is feeling.
• I felt like I am part of something infinite (consciousness) which has no form and is kind of still, but also moving in a certain way (going beyond with duality)
• Consciousness is infinitely creative and has no limits
• Consciousness is love, because it is profoundly inclusive. It accepts and contains everything. This love made me cry the whole trip
• Good and bad do not not exist at all. Everything is ok.
• I felt like I did not care about death anymore

 

Trip 2 : 1.6g of shrooms, October 31st

• I am God, I am this consciousness, but I am also nothingness. There is this strong sense of I, but not my "ego I".
• I am everything, God is everything: it is the theater, the scene and the actors at the same time. There is no separation between anything. That is so weird!
• I am my mom (who is not really my mom), my bf, the table in my room, my room itself: everything and everyone. This is not just about sharing the same essence with things: I also AM these things.
• Ego is an complete illusion lol
• God transcends all dualities and concepts in general. Words are very limited to explain God.
• God is a mystery by nature, we cannot grasp it. It is a mystery to itself. 
• God plays the game of thinking that it is something separated from other things (an ego) not because God is an asshole or crazy but because the nature of God is to explore itself in plenty of way
• Whatever we are doing in our life is just God exploring itself
• There is no time
• God can surprise itself
• God can do whatever it wants to do
• When someone dies, it is just God which stop thinking that it is this person
• I realized that I am God because I (God) allowed myself to realized it
• Everything is perfect because there is no perfection

 

That's it, so here are my questions :

1 - I am very surprised by these experiences, because I have not been on the path of spirituality for a long time, I did not expected this profundity at all when I started my trips. Actually, I am listening to Leo's teachings since last January. Even if I am very into spirituality since then and am listening to spiritual content every day (plus I am genuinely attracted by truth), I feel like this happened pretty fast. Am I fooling myself somehow? In a sense I know that my experiences were not a projections of Leo's teaching, that they were real, but I also feel like it is too good to be true and when I talked about that to my bf I almost felt like a fraud. For people who realized God, what do you think about the description I gave about God in my last trip? Did you get the same experience?

2 - What is also making me feel confused is that I did not feel lots of love during my second experience and I thought that realizing God was about feeling a tremendous amount of love. I know God is love by nature there is no doubt, but I was more focusing on asking questions. What do you guys think about that? 

3 - My everyday life is just like before this experience: my ego is still strong and I am still a 25yo person (I mean, I am also God and everything but you know) who is struggling to get into yellow. Right after both of these experiences I felt a bit depressed. I do not like going back to this finite form. I do not like my lack of love and my weaknesses. Do you have any advice to integrate these experiences in my "humain" life?

 

Also, I feel kind of fucked because I did not get anything practical to improve my life, any direction (yes, I am still attached to my survival and I would love to get an experience telling me clearly what I should do with my life to be happy). But hey... I am gonna have to figure it out myself. This is not the purpose of God to tell me what I should do since it is so loving and inclusive and beyond all ego things. 

Ok bye! Thanks for your time if you are reading me and answering my questions

[JosephKnecht]

12 minutes ago, Naol said:

For people who realized God, what do you think about the description I gave about God in my last trip? Did you get the same experience?

We can't validate your subjective experience.

From your description, you have had a glimpse, which should open your mind to a reality beyond materialism.

I will tell you one thing... You have not transcended the ego until you love the ego. 

16 minutes ago, Naol said:

I do not like going back to this finite form. I do not like my lack of love and my weaknesses. Do you have any advice to integrate these experiences in my "humain" life?

If you want to grow spiritually, you should love the finite.

Do not go chasing high states, but rather use these experiences to grow your base state. 

[GreenWoods]

1 hour ago, Naol said:

1 - I am very surprised by these experiences, because I have not been on the path of spirituality for a long time, I did not expected this profundity at all when I started my trips. Actually, I am listening to Leo's teachings since last January. Even if I am very into spirituality since then and am listening to spiritual content every day (plus I am genuinely attracted by truth), I feel like this happened pretty fast. Am I fooling myself somehow? In a sense I know that my experiences were not a projections of Leo's teaching, that they were real, but I also feel like it is too good to be true and when I talked about that to my bf I almost felt like a fraud. For people who realized God, what do you think about the description I gave about God in my last trip? Did you get the same experience?

If you made progress that quickly, you are probably quite naturally talented.

Your description of God is good. We however can't know whether it was only conceptual (from listening to Leo's videos) or actual awakening. It seems like actual awakening though. 

Ask yourself whether you have any doubts about your awakening. like: "maybe it was just a hallucination/deception from neurons in my brain". If you actually reached God, there is no doubt. 

Though, if you didn't have a deep God awakening, there can still be doubt. That kind of doubt doesn't mean that the awakening wasn't legit, but that you didn't go deep enough.

1 hour ago, Naol said:

2 - What is also making me feel confused is that I did not feel lots of love during my second experience and I thought that realizing God was about feeling a tremendous amount of love. I know God is love by nature there is no doubt, but I was more focusing on asking questions. What do you guys think about that? 

God is Love and Consciousness and Nothingness and Infinity....

But that doesn't mean you will be highly conscious of each of these facets during every awakening. When you are more experienced yes, but not at the beginning.

1 hour ago, Naol said:

3 - My everyday life is just like before this experience: my ego is still strong and I am still a 25yo person (I mean, I am also God and everything but you know) who is struggling to get into yellow. Right after both of these experiences I felt a bit depressed. I do not like going back to this finite form. I do not like my lack of love and my weaknesses. Do you have any advice to integrate these experiences in my "humain" life?

IMO, the most effective way to increase your baseline consciousness is through transmissions . They are also pretty effective to experience more bliss and become happier.

1 hour ago, Naol said:

 what I should do with my life to be happy)

Buy the book "greater words of power" by Damon Brand and do the ritual "the Road Opener".

 It's worth a try.

[Inliytened1]

@Naol

6 hours ago, Naol said:

 

 

That's it, so here are my questions :

1 - I am very surprised by these experiences, because I have not been on the path of spirituality for a long time, I did not expected this profundity at all when I started my trips. Actually, I am listening to Leo's teachings since last January. Even if I am very into spirituality since then and am listening to spiritual content every day (plus I am genuinely attracted by truth), I feel like this happened pretty fast. Am I fooling myself somehow? In a sense I know that my experiences were not a projections of Leo's teaching, that they were real, but I also feel like it is too good to be true and when I talked about that to my bf I almost felt like a fraud. For people who realized God, what do you think about the description I gave about God in my last trip? Did you get the same experience?

2 - What is also making me feel confused is that I did not feel lots of love during my second experience and I thought that realizing God was about feeling a tremendous amount of love. I know God is love by nature there is no doubt, but I was more focusing on asking questions. What do you guys think about that? 

3 - My everyday life is just like before this experience: my ego is still strong and I am still a 25yo person (I mean, I am also God and everything but you know) who is struggling to get into yellow. Right after both of these experiences I felt a bit depressed. I do not like going back to this finite form. I do not like my lack of love and my weaknesses. Do you have any advice to integrate these experiences in my "humain" life?

 

Also, I feel kind of fucked because I did not get anything practical to improve my life, any direction (yes, I am still attached to my survival and I would love to get an experience telling me clearly what I should do with my life to be happy). But hey... I am gonna have to figure it out myself. This is not the purpose of God to tell me what I should do since it is so loving and inclusive and beyond all ego things. 

Ok bye! Thanks for your time if you are reading me and answering my questions

@Naol great job!!!! You have definitely got a glimpse of God.  But you are not yet ready to fully awaken as God.  That is why the ego is still so strong.  That is OK.  Just means you still have a life to live! Psychedelics will give you a glimpse of non-duality and God and  can provide that very fast before you are ready to integrate such realizations.  Take ample time to digest and integrate what you saw.  Don't worry about not realizing Love or Infinity that will come in time. Do not worry about going back to finite form either ..that is the form you as God have chosen so thus it is imperfect precisely because  you have made it so.  So just learn to love yourself the way you are first.  

[Naol]

Thank you so much <3

[halfknots]

On 10/31/2021 at 11:46 PM, Naol said:

1- I am very surprised by these experiences, because I have not been on the path of spirituality for a long time, I did not expected this profundity at all when I started my trips. Actually, I am listening to Leo's teachings since last January. Even if I am very into spirituality since then and am listening to spiritual content every day (plus I am genuinely attracted by truth), I feel like this happened pretty fast. Am I fooling myself somehow? In a sense I know that my experiences were not a projections of Leo's teaching, that they were real, but I also feel like it is too good to be true and when I talked about that to my bf I almost felt like a fraud. For people who realized God, what do you think about the description I gave about God in my last trip? Did you get the same experience?

You are not fooling yourself. This is the timeless message of all wisdom traditions. Self evident and self arising, there is nothing against which the truth of God can be proven or disproven. People throughout all time, initiated and uninitiated, novice and master, are capable of realizing this truth as you have.

On 10/31/2021 at 11:46 PM, Naol said:

2 - What is also making me feel confused is that I did not feel lots of love during my second experience and I thought that realizing God was about feeling a tremendous amount of love. I know God is love by nature there is no doubt, but I was more focusing on asking questions. What do you guys think about that? 

Feeling love implies some contrast in which which love can be felt. When one realizes the truth of love as fundamentally non-dual, as synonymous with completeness, trust, creation, and God, it can be expected that love is not experienced as the feeling of chemical we are conditioned to associate with love to the exclusion of other states. All is love.

On 10/31/2021 at 11:46 PM, Naol said:

My everyday life is just like before this experience: my ego is still strong and I am still a 25yo person (I mean, I am also God and everything but you know) who is struggling to get into yellow. Right after both of these experiences I felt a bit depressed. I do not like going back to this finite form. I do not like my lack of love and my weaknesses. Do you have any advice to integrate these experiences in my "humain" life?

Integration will happen naturally when you allow it. Take care of what you put in to your body and mind, follow your interests, serve yourself and others through loving kindness, spend time barefoot in nature, get the sun on your skin, be mindful of attachment-aversion and other polarizing dynamics. Increase your dose with each successive trip and witness what happens.

[BipolarGrowth]

Sounds like some good progress. All of these facets of awakening will probably go much deeper as you continue to move forward as long as you stick with spiritual work. 
 

What other practices are you doing beyond psychedelics? 

[michaelcycle00]

On 10/31/2021 at 11:46 PM, Naol said:

God is a mystery by nature, we cannot grasp it. It is a mystery to itself. 

Awesome trip report mate; would you mind expanding on this a bit?

[cuteguy]

You realized God but now you're confused.

That's awesome!!! Real understanding always comes after confusion, but only if you stay with the confusion.

Staying with the confusion means letting the confusion resolve naturally and not by force. Don't fight the confusion and don't TRY to resolve it. Be grateful for it because you know that confusion always opens the door for a deeper understanding. Always remember this: No confusion = No understanding.

I guess this is a good time for you to watch Leo's video about confusion, even if you have watched it before, because now you're gonna see it a new light.

Also, you might think that what you experienced is a "psychedelics thing". It's not. With just meditation and contemplation, I had the exact same realization followed by the exact same confusion. So don't let your mind sweep it under the carpet just because you used psychedelics.

Congratulations on the progress.

 

[Leo Gura]

On 10/31/2021 at 11:46 PM, Naol said:

1 - I am very surprised by these experiences, because I have not been on the path of spirituality for a long time, I did not expected this profundity at all when I started my trips. Actually, I am listening to Leo's teachings since last January. Even if I am very into spirituality since then and am listening to spiritual content every day (plus I am genuinely attracted by truth), I feel like this happened pretty fast. Am I fooling myself somehow? In a sense I know that my experiences were not a projections of Leo's teaching, that they were real, but I also feel like it is too good to be true and when I talked about that to my bf I almost felt like a fraud. For people who realized God, what do you think about the description I gave about God in my last trip? Did you get the same experience?

All your insights here are spot-on.

Stop second-guessing yourself. The mushrooms showed you Truth. Now don't corrupt it with doubt, fear, and human bullhshit.

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2 - What is also making me feel confused is that I did not feel lots of love during my second experience and I thought that realizing God was about feeling a tremendous amount of love. I know God is love by nature there is no doubt, but I was more focusing on asking questions. What do you guys think about that?

Love is too profound to be limited to feeling alone. It is not necessary to always feel it.

Since Love is EVERYTHING, it cannot be limited to good feelings.

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3 - My everyday life is just like before this experience: my ego is still strong and I am still a 25yo person (I mean, I am also God and everything but you know) who is struggling to get into yellow. Right after both of these experiences I felt a bit depressed. I do not like going back to this finite form. I do not like my lack of love and my weaknesses. Do you have any advice to integrate these experiences in my "humain" life?

Yup. Of course.

Now the real spiritual labor begins. Now you see that it will take you years and decades to fully embody the Truth. So it's not so fast.

Love/Truth/God transcends practicality. But if you follow up these trips with serious spiritual practice then practical results will come. It's a long term process that takes years to snowball.

You were shown a preview of what's possible after years of serious study and practice.

[Thought Art]

Those are great insights and match up with a lot of the ones I have had.

I find myself doubting my experiences with the days that come after a trip.

Reading your trip reports shows me I was not alone in these realizations. Or, I imagine I am not lol.

Thanks for the report.

I can have these insights say, during a trip. But then I am trying to survive and create things. Plus I am still maturing.

 

Edited November 3, 2021 by Thought Art

[Nahm]

On 11/1/2021 at 2:46 AM, Naol said:

I know that my experiences were not a projections

Exactly, but the hindsight recontextualizing is.  “I know”… is always followed by belief or conjecture. 

On 11/1/2021 at 2:46 AM, Naol said:

3 - My everyday life is just like before this experience: my ego is still strong and I am still a 25yo person (I mean, I am also God and everything but you know) who is struggling to get into yellow. Right after both of these experiences I felt a bit depressed. I do not like going back to this finite form. I do not like my lack of love and my weaknesses. Do you have any advice to integrate these experiences in my "humain" life?

You’re believing all of those thoughts, so it all seems true. They aren’t even ‘your’ thoughts per se, your ideas, it’s all conjecture. With a foundation of daily meditation, and no exposure to conjecture, those thoughts would have settled properly in the practice, and would not have still been repeating after the trip, recontextualizing the trip. (They wouldn’t have been repeating before or during the trip either). Essentially, you’re trying to make your own direct experience fit into someone else’s belief system. 

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Also, I feel kind of fucked because I did not get anything practical to improve my life, any direction (yes, I am still attached to my survival and I would love to get an experience telling me clearly what I should do with my life to be happy). But hey... I am gonna have to figure it out myself. This is not the purpose of God to tell me what I should do since it is so loving and inclusive and beyond all ego things. 

As justifications, rationalizations, and reconceptualizations go, that’s pretty lame. But then again, it is only the justifying, rationalizing, and recontextualizing which is in and of itself lame. Without that, there’d be no ‘struggling to’, ‘depressed’, ‘this finite form’, ‘lack of love’, ‘weaknesses’, ‘integrating’, ‘my human life’, ‘my survival’, ‘what I should do to be happy’, ‘figure it out myself’, ‘purpose’, ‘beyond ego’, ‘fucked’, etc, etc. That’s shadow work, and it’s not even your shadow… you received the most precious lesson there is, you’re just recontextualizing all over it. When you realize who or what you really are, there is no confusion. When you experience a bunch of conjecture, there does seem to be confusion. But the confusion isn’t / wasn’t in the direct experience, was it?

[Galyna]

On 11/1/2021 at 1:46 AM, Naol said:

For people who realized God, what do you think about the description I gave about God in my last trip? Did you get the same experience?

I do not claim anything, since it is impossible to measure....

My take on it: it is possible to have some glimpse of the divine, however, it can not fully realize itself for one apparent reason: and this reason is infinity, there is no end or beginning to it. Whatever your realization was...it is just a facet, one facet of the infinite creation. 

[Nahm]

?‍♂️ 

[Naol]

@BipolarGrowth Thanks for your comment  I am meditating (not that much, 20 min a day), reading books about personal improvement or spirituality (especially books from Leo's book list), did a solo retreat recently... This kind of things 

[Naol]

@michaelcycle00 I feel like since God is infinite, it is impossible to grasp it. And for the fact that it even can not grasp itself... I do not really know how to explain it. That was just a realization that came into my experience. 

[Naol]

Thanks a lot everybody