Guilt After Loss Of Loved One

[sgn]

So I just got home from my grandmas funeral. I feel a bit guilty for almost never visiting even though we lived very close from each other.
The reason I almost never visited is because of social anxiety. It's nothing personal. I almost never visit anyone. And don't talk to people much.

[ajasatya]

@sgn what are you scared of when talking to people? are you scared of their expectations? have you given any time to yourself to go deep into this issue?

[sgn]

@ajasatya Expectations yes. I have nothing to talk about. Don't know what to say. Afraid of making a fool of myself. Fear of acting different. Saying uninteresting things. Being judged. .And when I begin to talk, I get the persons eyes on me which gets me uncomfortable. Anxiety comes. Fear of looking nervous and people wonder what is wrong with me. Fear of the silence that comes when my mind goes blank and I just say something weird and unnatural/forced instead.

Yes I'm seeing a psychologist right now and have began to take a closer look at this.

[Scholar]

34 minutes ago, sgn said:

@ajasatya Expectations yes. I have nothing to talk about. Don't know what to say. Afraid of making a fool of myself. Fear of acting different. Saying uninteresting things. Being judged. .And when I begin to talk, I get the persons eyes on me which gets me uncomfortable. Anxiety comes. Fear of looking nervous and people wonder what is wrong with me. Fear of the silence that comes when my mind goes blank and I just say something weird and unnatural/forced instead.

Yes I'm seeing a psychologist right now and have began to take a closer look at this.

How old are you? And list all habits you have that are especially enjoyable to you.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Scholar

[sgn]

@Scholar 28, why?

[Scholar]

@sgn I would say there is no use in feeling guilty. The situation was simply the way it was, all you can do is change it.

 

Also, listing your habits would be important to know if there might be something that causes the social anxiety.

[sgn]

@Scholar Ok. This goes way back to childhood I think. Very shy as a kid. Trouble in school mainly because I think I have ADD and that led to more negative self-image. Then to depression and isolation. Avoidance. It went from shyness to social anxiety when I got in my teenage years.
As long as I can remember I've been caring around this feeling of shame. inferiority.

[Scholar]

@sgn Alright, but I need to know the actual habits you have. What you do throughout your day now, and maybe habits you have had for a long time.

[sgn]

@Scholar I mostly sit at home. At the computer. This is also where I bring my income (poker). But also wasting time.
Going to the gym several times a week.
Doing some personal development. Occasionally meet friends and family.
This is how it's been for the last 10 years or so. (except for personal development)
Not much to say.

Edited December 21, 2016 by sgn

[Scholar]

@sgn Limiting your time on your computer would be good, if you really do it that much. But I know that's hard to do with social anxiety. What about porn and mastrubation? Both can contribute greatly to social anxiety and general self-esteem/confidence problems.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Scholar

[sgn]

@Scholar Yes I should work on cutting down the computer time. About porn and masturbation I've heard many opinions about that.
Tried being off it for a while. But I don't know if it really made a difference. Some say it does, but I don't know if it just placebo.

[Scholar]

@sgn For a while means how long? Did you abstain from it completely? 

If you don't know if it is placebo or not, find out if it is. You have to be honest and be aware of why exactly you don't want to do it. Are you addicted? Are you unable to just stop for half a year and see what would happen? Why do you make up excuses for something that could potentially transform your life?

The fact is probably that you are mentally too weak to stop. Do you want to stay mentally too weak to abstain? Clearly you can't stop, do you want to stay that way for the rest of your life?

Edited December 21, 2016 by Scholar

[sgn]

3 minutes ago, Scholar said:

@sgn For a while means how long? Did you abstain from it completely? 
3-4 weeks a couple of times

If you don't know if it is placebo or not, find out if it is. You have to be honest and be aware of why exactly you don't want to do it. Are you addicted? Are you unable to just stop for half a year and see what would happen? Why do you make up excuses for something that could potentially transform your life?
Addicted yes. I use it as an escape. Especially when I'm feeling more down and empty. It's also a waste of time.
I guess I can try. If it transform my life I feel is a overstatement. Maybe it can help more than I think but my problems go deeper than to just changing this one habit and like that would resolve everything.

The fact is probably that you are mentally too weak to stop. (True)  Do you want to stay mentally too weak to abstain? (No) Clearly you can't stop, do you want to stay that way for the rest of your life? Ok fuck it, I'll try to change this habit. Just one last...kidding..
 

 

[Scholar]

@sgn 3-4 weeks is where most people fail, because the effects abstaining are almost non-existent and the craving is the highest. So that's nothing unusual. This time I'd suggest you try it for half a year, and once you see results, you'll simply decide not to do it ever again. Maybe it won't completely resolve the problem, but I highly doubt there is any chance of you resolving any problems if you don't overcome this addiction.

And also, if it is placebo, who cares? It clearly helps, and that's what you want, right? Aside from some very reasonable explanations to why exactly it helps on a neurological level, you should have a leap of faith and just trust in it.

We do the same on the road of enlightenment. 

[sgn]

@Scholar Ok yes I didn't feel it got any easier after several weeks. The thoughts popped up in my mind that it's a natural thing to have a sex drive and want to have sex or masturbate and why should one deny and resist that. But then I realized I not just want it. I NEED it. And I guess there's the problem.
Afraid that I might develop some kind of shame thou to this basic need and feel bad if I ever do it, or even with sex.
Or just having a sex drive.

Btw a bit funny what a turn this thread took from my initial post. (and uncomfortable)