Why am I highly conscious on one level, yet extremly unconcious on another?

[SamC]

On one level, I am really conciousness for my age. I am spiral dynamics stage yellow, with shadow elements in both green and orange. These shadow elements seem to be really big though, because even though - I am calm and aware on one level, I am super unaware and scared on another. It's like I see a lot of stuff very clearly, and gravitate towards truth and understanding while still being really anxious.

I have social anxiety, separation anxiety and anxiety in general over things that can go wrong, yet I am wise for my age and have a lot of wisdom within me that I don't know where it comes from. It's like I am pretty conscious but not in integrity with it.  I realize stuff that others don't, yet I can still be super scared of stuff that " unconcious " spiral dynamic stage blue people don't care about... so in that sense, I am unconcious. It's a very interesting paradox.

Something tells me this is due to that some people have a security wound which is tied to their world view while others like me have a " big ego wound" which makes one scared of not living up the very fixed identity towards others.

Anyway, What is this? Any ideas or thoughts? Thanks

@Leo Gura

Edited October 30, 2021 by SamC

[Gregory1]

Well, you're not stage yellow. You have aspects of yellow withing yourself, but your anxiety in orange and green stuff (maybe also in blue) show you what you really are. Yellow can only be built on top of the other stages, you can't be yellow without integration of orange, green. 

Your anxiety is great in that it shows you where you need to look, where "the shit is hidden", so to speak. In these areas you need to do your work. This means confronting your fears, looking behind them, doing the things you're afraid of and growing out of your fears in that process. 

peace out

[Carl-Richard]

This is called being young. All young people have some things they're better at than others, because environments like school include all kinds of people with different personality types. When you get older and start pursuing your interests, your environments get more specialized and you start seeing more like-minded people. Then you realize that you're not really that special.

[BipolarGrowth]

Overcoming mental illness is far more difficult than having insights or disembodied wisdom, especially while we’re still growing up. Continuous access to strong mindfulness is the key to really developing beyond things like anxiety IMO. You can even have extremely accurate, powerful, and rare enlightenment realizations which cause large baseline shifts in consciousness, but without building up the muscle of mindfulness over time, things like anxiety can make you like a brand new Ferrari with a broken engine. 
 

This is not a race or something to rush necessarily. Emotional and mental health mastery might only come in your 30s, 40s, or even later. Maybe you can speed it up quite a bit, but if you can’t, try to look at the situation with more acceptance of your situation and yourself for the time being. 

Edited October 30, 2021 by BipolarGrowth

[WonderSeeker]

@SamC Hey man, I can relate quite a bit actually. I'd peg myself up at green/yellow with some big-time shadow material in the 'belongingness' rung of Maslow's hierarchy, as I got bullied for about five years straight as a kid. I don't know how old you are but I'm 23. Some of these other comments seem wise--I think part of our predicament is a matter of age. (Another way of putting it is relative lack of experience.) Remember to keep the long-term game in mind when you have your setbacks.

2 hours ago, SamC said:

Something tells me this is due to that some people have a security wound which is tied to their world view while others like me have a " big ego wound" which makes one scared of not living up the very fixed identity towards others.

I'm not sure that I totally understand this, but it sounds like you were hurt when you were younger and this has stunted some of your development. PM me if you'd like. Peace

[SamC]

 

7 hours ago, Gregory1 said:

Well, you're not stage yellow. You have aspects of yellow withing yourself, but your anxiety in orange and green stuff (maybe also in blue) show you what you really are. Yellow can only be built on top of the other stages, you can't be yellow without integration of orange, green. 

Your anxiety is great in that it shows you where you need to look, where "the shit is hidden", so to speak. In these areas you need to do your work. This means confronting your fears, looking behind them, doing the things you're afraid of and growing out of your fears in that process. 

peace out

@Gregory1 Hmm maybe you're right. Thanks!  What would you say the difference with having a center of gravity of yellow and having aspects of yellows? How would the 2 look like?

7 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

This is called being young. All young people have some things they're better at than others, because environments like school include all kinds of people with different personality types. When you get older and start pursuing your interests, your environments get more specialized and you start seeing more like-minded people. Then you realize that you're not really that special.

Interesting perspective! 

6 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

Overcoming mental illness is far more difficult than having insights or disembodied wisdom, especially while we’re still growing up. Continuous access to strong mindfulness is the key to really developing beyond things like anxiety IMO. You can even have extremely accurate, powerful, and rare enlightenment realizations which cause large baseline shifts in consciousness, but without building up the muscle of mindfulness over time, things like anxiety can make you like a brand new Ferrari with a broken engine. 
 

This is not a race or something to rush necessarily. Emotional and mental health mastery might only come in your 30s, 40s, or even later. Maybe you can speed it up quite a bit, but if you can’t, try to look at the situation with more acceptance of your situation and yourself for the time being. 

Thanks for the insight man. Why do you think that's easier?

5 hours ago, WonderSeeker said:

@SamC Hey man, I can relate quite a bit actually. I'd peg myself up at green/yellow with some big-time shadow material in the 'belongingness' rung of Maslow's hierarchy, as I got bullied for about five years straight as a kid. I don't know how old you are but I'm 23. Some of these other comments seem wise--I think part of our predicament is a matter of age. (Another way of putting it is relative lack of experience.) Remember to keep the long-term game in mind when you have your setbacks.

Thanks for reaching out man! Yeah, I can relate to that aswell eventhough my bullying experience is kind of left in the dark.

My whole life is trying to figure out emotional belonging and connection... especially in regards to the femenine. I understand that it is tough to feel " alone/ separated from other people".

5 hours ago, WonderSeeker said:

I'm not sure that I totally understand this, but it sounds like you were hurt when you were younger and this has stunted some of your development. PM me if you'd like. Peace

See it as different hang ups in the ego. some have a vulnerable ego with a big need to protect it's world view because that's what hold the world together. Other people, don't care about that as much and instead care about being " X" In regards to oneself or other people.

My friend has for example aspects of stage blue and hold his world view very steadily ( he is a chrisitian). Becuase of this tightly held world view he needs to fight all other perspectives because they are dangerous for him. I on the other hand don't give a fuck about if I am wrong. Like there is no anxiety there at all, it's like - oh okey cool and then I adjust.

What's interesting however is that he don't care about what other people think at all and have a lot of more empathy for other people becuase his ego is " more incompassing and less rigid in that way". So in some ways, he is more " loving" and in other ways I am more loving.. That's where the question begun. When reading this again, it's almost as is the solution is the problem, maybe he is more rigid because it's his survival strategy and I am more flexible because I am not at my " final secure world view yet"

Anyway. Yes I have been hurt, and would love to chat more. I'll PM you.@WonderSeeker

[saif2]

11 hours ago, SamC said:

 

I have social anxiety, separation anxiety and anxiety in general over things that can go wrong, yet I am wise for my age and have a lot of wisdom within me that I don't know where it comes from. It's like I am pretty conscious but not in integrity with it.  I realize stuff that others don't, yet I can still be super scared of stuff that " unconcious " spiral dynamic stage blue people don't care about... so in that sense, I am unconcious. It's a very interesting paradox.

 

 

I can relate because I had social anxiety too, what helped me with that is therapy and exposing myself to new social situations. when you become more conscious you become more integrous.

[Nahm]

From where levels come, do the believers therein go.

The eagle does not know birds of a feather, nor anxiety. 

Ya believe in levels, ya feel the discord. 

[Gregory1]

13 hours ago, SamC said:

Hmm maybe you're right. Thanks!  What would you say the difference with having a center of gravity of yellow and having aspects of yellows? How would the 2 look like?

Being yellow would mean that you deeply understand all the people from the lower stages. It would mean that you know what they all are going through because you would've gone through that yourself. It would mean seeing through the illusions of orange, blue, green (for which you need to go through it before you can transcend it) and therefore deeply understanding people from the lower stages. You would be good at understanding basically all people and social processes in our society because you would've "risen above" that so to speak. You can get there (bit spoiler: You're not there yet).

[Terell Kirby]

@SamC spiral dynamics does not measure God realization in humans, actually.

You can be high on the spiral yet unconscious about who you are in relation to your mind.

Spiral dynamics is useful for human endeavors, not so much for actual awakening.

[SamC]

2 hours ago, Gregory1 said:

Being yellow would mean that you deeply understand all the people from the lower stages. It would mean that you know what they all are going through because you would've gone through that yourself. It would mean seeing through the illusions of orange, blue, green (for which you need to go through it before you can transcend it) and therefore deeply understanding people from the lower stages. You would be good at understanding basically all people and social processes in our society because you would've "risen above" that so to speak. You can get there (bit spoiler: You're not there yet).

Where would you peg yourself? @Gregory1

 

1 hour ago, Terell Kirby said:

@SamC spiral dynamics does not measure God realization in humans, actually.

You can be high on the spiral yet unconscious about who you are in relation to your mind.

Spiral dynamics is useful for human endeavors, not so much for actual awakening.

interesting. Thanks. Any ideas how to understand this better? ( how God realized you are)

[Terell Kirby]

21 minutes ago, SamC said:

Interesting. Thanks. Any ideas how to understand this better? ( how God realized you are)

Hard to put it words, you have to come to it through your own awakening.

Just know that you'll be totally mind-fucked when you get there .

Persistent meditation, contemplation, psychedelics will assist..

[Gregory1]

9 hours ago, SamC said:

Where would you peg yourself?

Mostly green/Orange, still some blue stuff to integrate. Some aspects and beginnings of yellow.