Does acting like a douche helps to stop caring what others think?

[Gabith]

I'm a people pleaser, not everytime but enough to stop me from not caring of what others people think of me.

What prevents me from being authentic, saying no, having an argument or reject someone that I don't want in my life is fear.  (that's my opinion maybe I'm wrong)

I fear the outcomes of my actions & my words. Since I'm a teenager or maybe even sooner, I manipulate people (mainly unconsciouly) to avoid them to become angry or judgmental with me. I think I adopted these mechanism because I was bullied for years, it went far and I even did suicide attempts.
And maybe because of my mother & my stepfather who wasn't supportive and didn't listen to me, they were judging me negatively and I never felt adequate or loved. 

I see myself being inauthentic especially with girls that I'm attracted to. If I stop a girl that I'm attracted to, I feel insecure, I try to be polite, I can't be relax and I fear rejection or judgements from her. I can ask for a number when I'm interested but just before asking her number, I feel fearful and insecure and it prevents me from being relaxed or keeping a good vibe. I struggle too with keeping eye-contact with womens, I have thoughts like "if I watch her and smile to her, she will think of me as a desesperate needy guy trying to please her" and inside I feel like that, I try to please the girl I'm attracted & I feel bad for that because it communicates neediness. And being perceived as needy from a girl is what I don't want plus it is repulsive for women.

After thinking about that, I was wondering; if I take courage; I go out and act like a douche on purpose. For example when I'm attracted to a girl as I talk to her, I say stupid things, I create ankward moments or I act like I don't care at all about her, would it leads to less people-pleasing & less fear to be judged ?

Edited October 29, 2021 by Gabith

[Advocate]

@Gabith I used to try that, acting a bit like a douche. It doesn’t work, it will probably just hurt the girl and backfire. You gotta ACTUALLY don’t care what other people think about you instead of  acting as if you did. Solve the root cause and you don’t need to act, you can simply be who you are authentically and girls will respect you for who you are automatically, without any effort from your part. 

[Kalki Avatar]

You are reinforcing it in a subtle way. 

Forget such thing completely and the problem dissappears. You give it energy already by thinking about it. Now, that doesnt mean that if someone wants to destroy you in someway, you wont start thinking and caring. Thats a different matter. Survival is at higher risk. You wanna deal with it directly to forget it later. 

[Chew211]

You'd be worse, because nothing deep down would change. Before, by being a nice people pleaser you're avoiding the tension that you would encounter by being authentic in a given situation. By acting like a douche, you're also avoiding being authentic, and you deep down know it's not gonna work, so it's a self deception mechanism to make it seem like you're changing, but you're really not. 

You just gotta practice. Don't try to be a certain way, just go for what you want. 

[Kalki Avatar]

@Chew211 Yup. 

People just follow one of their core voice. One must use the three at the same time. Instinct, mind and intuition. 

[Jacob Morres]

this is just my pov

sort of, but your EQ takes a hit. acting like a douche sort of clouds your judgement in emotional consciousness 

this is the right track though, your process of healing 

just a guess but i think inner child work/mindfulness/trauma work + self-discovery will be useful. it's like a healthier form of strength that comes from that 

both things actually are strength from a pov. one comes from insecurity though and the other comes from something else. self-confidence, self-love, presence, love etc. 

Edited October 30, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Harlen Kelly]

4 hours ago, Gabith said:

For example when I'm attracted to a girl as I talk to her, I say stupid things, I create ankward moments or I act like I don't care at all about her, would it leads to less people-pleasing & less fear to be judged ?

This is not going to work, pretending to be a douche will not work. 

 

[Gili Trawangan]

Nope. Not caring about what others think is what helps you to stop caring about what others think.

[Gabith]

8 hours ago, Chew211 said:

You'd be worse, because nothing deep down would change. Before, by being a nice people pleaser you're avoiding the tension that you would encounter by being authentic in a given situation. By acting like a douche, you're also avoiding being authentic, and you deep down know it's not gonna work, so it's a self deception mechanism to make it seem like you're changing, but you're really not. 

You just gotta practice. Don't try to be a certain way, just go for what you want. 

thank u for your help

[Nahm]

@Gabith

How you feel isn’t related to what others think. That’d be about how they feel. How you feel is related to what you think. When what you think is discordant, you can inspect that and understand the emotions you’re experiencing. When people don’t do this, they manipulate, or, utilize other people, to feel better… because they deny how they feel is related to what they’re thinkin. The most popular way to go about this, is to experience thoughts now, about a my past… but to believe the experience is not of thoughts, but of an actual self in an actual past. (Popular as in common, not as in desirable, logical, or sensible). People typically do this until they get tired of how it feels, and express blame using the scale. 

[Leo Gura]

You don't need to act like a douche.

You can just go out and talk to girls and be friendly with them and that will be enough to grow you massively and break you out of your shell.

There's no need to be an asshole, just don't supplicate to people. Be grounded in your values and your life purpose. Sticking to your principles is enough to not be a people-pleaser. And you can do that while still being friendly and decent. You don't need to be obnoxious about it.

For example, if you don't value drinking and a girl offers you a drink, just say, "No thanks, I prefer to not dull my mind with that." rather than telling her, "Fuck you bitch! Drinking is for losers."

Notice that you don't have to be obnoxious to stand your ground or speak your mind.

[Gabith]

Thanks everyone, it brings light to me

[Federico del pueblo]

18 hours ago, Gabith said:

I'm a people pleaser, not everytime but enough to stop me from not caring of what others people think of me.

What prevents me from being authentic, saying no, having an argument or reject someone that I don't want in my life is fear.  (that's my opinion maybe I'm wrong)

Sounds accurate and is an issue that bothers many people.

Quote

I fear the outcomes of my actions & my words. Since I'm a teenager or maybe even sooner, I manipulate people (mainly unconsciouly) to avoid them to become angry or judgmental with me.

And if you keep doing this you will stay the way you are forever. What you have to realize is that you have to do exactly the things that feel uncomfortable if you want to change. By manipulating people (to avoid rejection) you reinforce the fears in your brain.

Become aware exactly of what you are afraid of. Those are your "fear beliefs" and then question the validity of these beliefs. Then think of more helpful beliefs and their corresponding behaviours. You will have to get used to behave in a more confident manner, NOT in a douchebag manner, but simply more confident.

But here comes the catch 22:

If you've been insecure for many years, then even if you totally understand the irrationality of your fearful beliefs, emotions and consequential behaviours, in a fear relevant situation, you are still going to feel fear.

This is because you have built many neural connections in certain areas of your brain, in which your fear is stored so to speak.

So you will still have to act more confident in spite of still feeling insecure, otherwise your insecurities will not vanish.

Because this can be very challenging and stressful, I like to work with a technique that helps me to reduce (or even eliminate, if done often enough) my unhelpful emotions, which is called EFT (emotional freedom techniques aka "tapping"). Like this I don't have to undo all my fears just by sheer exposure (desensitization).

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I see myself being inauthentic especially with girls that I'm attracted to. If I stop a girl that I'm attracted to, I feel insecure, I try to be polite, I can't be relax and I fear rejection or judgements from her.

All of the abovementioned things apply here too. 

Quote

I can ask for a number when I'm interested but just before asking her number, I feel fearful and insecure and it prevents me from being relaxed or keeping a good vibe.

It is still the correct thing to do. If you can't help but have to feel fearful, then just accept your fear. Be present with your fear, don't resist it, don't even try to hide it. Hiding your fear from the girl would still be more needy than only having fear but being ok with it.

Quote

 I have thoughts like "if I watch her and smile to her, she will think of me as a desesperate needy guy trying to please her" and inside I feel like that, I try to please the girl I'm attracted & I feel bad for that because it communicates neediness.

That's your mind fucking with you. If a confident guy looks at her and smiles he thinks that this is an awesome thing to do and that it communicates confidence.

Just smile at her and look her in the eyes, but don't feel like you have to please her, you only have to speak your truth and if you feel attracted to her there is nothing needy about this (you are just projecting your own thoughts onto her).

Quote

After thinking about that, I was wondering; if I take courage; I go out and act like a douche on purpose. For example when I'm attracted to a girl as I talk to her, I say stupid things, I create ankward moments or I act like I don't care at all about her, would it leads to less people-pleasing & less fear to be judged ?

Don't act like a douche, act according to your true desires.

"I don't make apologies for my desires as a man."

You can say silly things, you can tease her and banter and flirt. But only ever include about 10% new things, be 90% your current true self and 10% new things. If you try and be just 10% you and 90% new "cool behaviours" you will seem highly inauthentic and therefore (ironically) just as insecure.

If you want to do less people pleasing just do less people pleasing. What are your exact people pleasing behaviours? Become aware of them and stop doing them and do what is more true to yourself instead.

Expose yourself to the possibility of being judged and rejected!

[hyruga]

Only if it yields positive results. 

If you act as a douche and the girl actually chase you (positive result), then this will reinforce you acting as a douche.

But If you act as a douche and the girl flakes on you, the more you don't want to act as a douche anymore.

[Hello from Russia]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

You don't need to act like a douche.

You can just go out and talk to girls and be friendly with them and that will be enough to grow you massively and break you out of your shell.

There's no need to be an asshole, just don't supplicate to people. Be grounded in your values and your life purpose. Sticking to your principles is enough to not be a people-pleaser. And you can do that while still being friendly and decent. You don't need to be obnoxious about it.

For example, if you don't value drinking and a girl offers you a drink, just say, "No thanks, I prefer to not dull my mind with that." rather than telling her, "Fuck you bitch! Drinking is for losers."

Notice that you don't have to be obnoxious to stand your ground or speak your mind.

How do you deal with "No thanks, I prefer to not dull my mind with that." sounding kinda passive-aggresive in practice? They very often perceive it as snobbism/ignorance and it repels them (at least for normies and in my experience here in Russia)

[Federico del pueblo]

1 hour ago, Hello from Russia said:

How do you deal with "No thanks, I prefer to not dull my mind with that." sounding kinda passive-aggresive in practice? They very often perceive it as snobbism/ignorance and it repels them (at least for normies and in my experience here in Russia)

"No, I don't drink...My liver was stolen and sold on the black market...Now I don't tolerate alcohol anymore :(" ;-)

[Nahm]

Douchery helps us with alignment like communism helps us with Chernobyl and Corona virus. 

[StarStruck]

In pickup they say be polite with your words but naughty with your vibe. 

Gaming is all about being implicit and what you communicate subtlety. 

Girls are ninjas with communication. They will pick that up. They even pick up on your core beliefs. For example if you believe you don't deserve her she will know. 

You either have to become a good actor or work on yourself.