Cheap tendencies

[StarStruck]

Leo says he would never buys drinks for girls or give free handouts. I think the same about this topic.

I only buy her coffee or a cheap meal but I noticed (through introspection and felt sense) that I resent doing that. 

I can totally afford it and logically it is not a big deal to spend such a small amount on a girl but on an emotional level it does sting me... and girls can sense that. 

This already happened to me couple of times. I really try to not be influenced by such a small investment in a girl but I'm on an emotional level. What can I do about it?

[SamC]

Buy her X if you want to but don't let her manipulate you to buy it. Also dont do it because you want something. See buying her a coffee as a fine gesture, WHEN you want to.

It's not about do's or don'ts.  It's about you doing what's authentic to you.

[Lyubov]

You can buy a girl a drink at a club or a coffee at a cafe. You don’t have to spend big cash or anything and don’t expect anything back for it. If it’s seamless and moves things along it’s fine. I’m not about spending a lot of cash on the first date. If there is a vibe though, a drink or two can really set the mood and the cool girls will sometimes even buy you a drink back. 

[Nahm]

@StarStruck

I’m pretty confident Leo meant that from an integrity standpoint, as he doesn’t drink alcohol and likely doesn’t want to encourage it either,  and not so much from a monetary reasoning. 

My two cents, don’t be cheap man. If you can afford to, as you mentioned, take her someplace nice, and ideally lively & fun. Don’t think so ‘tit for tat’, or transactionally. Having fun and enjoying experience, regardless of ‘if she’s the one’, or if it’s even headed anywhere beyond the moment, so to speak, is up to you.  Paradoxically of course, this light & easy way (non-transactional thinking) attracts. 

[OneHandClap]

First date at a coffee shop never failed me. Small investment, and you get to learn if the woman actually likes you or just wants a free meal and company for a few hours. It's how I met my wife, in fact  Just a casual reminder that dropping fat stacks on a woman to impress her is never a good idea for a first or even second encounter. If she likes your vibe, she'll stick around. 

[something_else]

I think the rule of thumb here should just be that if you go somewhere cheap, you do whatever is smoothest

Offer to pay, if she objects don't fight, let her pay her way. Who pays in this situation is purely a logistical concern because no woman you want to date should give a shit if you buy her a coffee or she has to pay for it. But she likely will care if you're indecisive and awkward about who pays 

You just want it to be a complete non-issue, something you don't even really think about, like a 5 sec conversation. Because it actually doesn't matter at all who pays for what in this situation. All you have to do is not make it awkward

When it comes to more expensive things like a meal (which is a bad first date idea anyway, so maybe 2nd or 3rd date) then it's not as clear what to do. I think it depends on the situation and the girl. I can see a girl being attracted by a guy who pays for her meal, but you have to be sure she's already attracted to you. All the girls I've gone for a meal with have insisted it's split though

[Gesundheit2]

Like what @Nahm said.

Spending should be casual, like how you normally spend on yourself. It's not really important how much. But you must make sure she never feels scarcity around you.

Edited October 29, 2021 by Gesundheit2

[Nahm]

@OneHandClap

So funny had to share it… your comment reminded me of my first date with my wife, which was also at a coffee shop. Picked her up at her place, forgot my phone there (which is also my wallet), didn’t realize until attempting to pay at the coffee place… and so she paid for it. Lol.

 @StarStruck Forget what I said, I know nothing. 

[Javfly33]

Hahahaha wait when you have spent 1K on findom buddy. That would put things on perspective on how meaningless a damn cup of coffee is. 

So funny had to share it… your comment reminded me of my first date with my wife, which was also at a coffee shop. Picked her up at her place, forgot my phone there (which is also my wallet), didn’t realize until attempting to pay at the coffee place… and so she paid for it. Lol.

 @StarStruck Forget what I said, I know nothing. 

Woah that's a serious master level PUA technique you got there Nahm. Not only you get the coffee free but you have a excuse to go back to her place! @Nahm 

Edited October 29, 2021 by Javfly33

[Nahm]

@Javfly33

Great reinterpretation. Hell yeah. Got the kids for free too. Gonna start a Youtube channel now. Thanks!!

[aurum]

@StarStruck

Not buying things for girls is just a good rule of thumb for guys who are newer at game. Because unfortunately a lot of guys have been conditioned into thinking they can or need to buy a girl’s affection. So telling those guys “don’t buy her a drink” is probably good advice.

But in reality, you can totally spend money on a girl and it’ll be fine. You just want to avoid this transactional expectation.

Equally dumb of a move would be to refuse to pay for something when it would make sense to do so. But because you heard from a PUA guru and have built an ideology around not buying things for girls in order to seem alpha, you’ll not do it. And it’ll come off as strange or even cheap.

Edited October 30, 2021 by aurum

[something_else]

 

18 minutes ago, aurum said:

Not buying things for girls is just a good rule of thumb for guys who are newer at game. Because unfortunately a lot of guys have been conditioned into thinking they can or need to buy a girl’s affection. So telling those guys “don’t buy her a drink” is probably good advice.

Funny, I was just out at a bar and there was a guy who was burning through his last (apparently) £100 he had buying these two girls drinks because he reallllly wanted to get with one of them. First thing she told me when I spoke to her is that she had a BF but she was letting him follow them about all night without telling him so he'd keep buying them drinks

He must've spent nearly £50 on them total, then just left after getting nowhere. Don't be that guy

Or that girl for that matter lol

[Flowerfaeiry]

6 hours ago, OneHandClap said:

First date at a coffee shop never failed me. Small investment, and you get to learn if the woman actually likes you or just wants a free meal and company for a few hours. It's how I met my wife, in fact  Just a casual reminder that dropping fat stacks on a woman to impress her is never a good idea for a first or even second encounter. If she likes your vibe, she'll stick around. 

I think this is a great idea. A man who asks me out and then doesn’t pay confuses me. 
 

Many women are really conscious of the money spent on them and will not want you to spend too much.

[aurum]

3 hours ago, something_else said:

 

Funny, I was just out at a bar and there was a guy who was burning through his last (apparently) £100 he had buying these two girls drinks because he reallllly wanted to get with one of them. First thing she told me when I spoke to her is that she had a BF but she was letting him follow them about all night without telling him so he'd keep buying them drinks

He must've spent nearly £50 on them total, then just left after getting nowhere. Don't be that guy

Or that girl for that matter lol

Right, so in that case our friend needs a bit of an intervention. He needs to learn how to properly attract someone without assuming he can just buy his way into their pants. So put the wallet away.

The danger then becomes when our friend actually then gets some success doing that. Then he goes “ah, so the secret is to NOT pay for girls! Therefore I will never pay for them”. And of course that is equally stupid, but also a very common conclusion you’ll see guys make. It usually happens when they’re learning how to flex their “alpha” muscle and take it too far.

[Leo Gura]

Being too cheap ultimately hurts you. So relax and spend a little when it is reasonable

The key is not to let girls use you for freebies or to think that buying them stuff will get them to like you.

Attract them with your personality and then spend a bit if it helps smooth things along.

And if she is your GF, treat her well. There is no reason to be cheap after sex.

[StarStruck]

I notice that girls can pick up on those subtle things like if I'm bothered by paying or if she talks about going out a lot or other guy's. I try not to judge her but it is very hard not to. 

I either have to stop judging or be a better actor and conceal it. 

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I notice that girls can pick up on those subtle things like if I'm bothered by paying or if she talks about going out a lot or other guy's. I try not to judge her but it is very hard not to. 

I either have to stop judging or be a better actor and conceal it. 

Just stop taking things so seriously. Be playful.

[StarStruck]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Just stop taking things so seriously. Be playful.

Everybody tells me to be chill but I don't know how to do it. Because I have been uptight for so long. 

[Leo Gura]

5 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Everybody tells me to be chill but I don't know how to do it. Because I have been uptight for so long. 

Go out and party with some friends/wings. Just party until you let loose and just enjoy being social.

This is a deeper issue than attracting girls.

You gotta train yourself to have fun. Which can be quite challenging if you've have been trained otherwise.

Alcohol was invented precisely because it's hard for many people to let loose and have fun while sober. But it can be done. I don't recommend using alcohol as a crutch for this. I have never use alcohol and I can have a blast clubbing sober with a good wing.

[StarStruck]

24 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Go out and party with some friends/wings. Just party until you let loose and just enjoy being social.

This is a deeper issue than attracting girls.

You gotta train yourself to have fun. Which can be quite challenging if you've have been trained otherwise.

Alcohol was invented precisely because it's hard for many people to let loose and have fun while sober. But it can be done. I don't recommend using alcohol as a crutch for this. I have never use alcohol and I can have a blast clubbing sober with a good wing.

Yea, I have been going out lately and alcohol really helps. Also dancing helps to get lose so the root chakra get's activated (so I feel safe and grounded). 

The problem is that I don't even know what us going on in my body. I just want to be chill, laid back and have good vibes and connections with people. 

I know it is not an on/off switch. It is a social muscle that has to be build but I don't have the patience nor time to play the long game. I'm already 32 and I don't want to be that creepy 40 old dude that goes out to hit on 20 year olds. lol. If I was 20 myself I would give my self much more slack.