How to get better at social calibration

[Molaric]

Hey all since my last post I'm getting better at socializing, though I still struggle reading cues and how to react in certain situations through body language and vocal tonality. I was wondering if there are good resources out there for getting better at this skillset or methods to practice other than straight socializing of course. 

[Lyubov]

what cues do you specifically feel you struggle reading? What specific situations do you feel you do poorly in? 

[Molaric]

Mostly nonverbal cues, and I feel like I do poorly when it comes to light-hearted conversation.

[aurum]

@Molaric

Do you think you could be misdiagnosing the problem?

Unless you’re on the autism spectrum, most people with an average upbringing are perfectly capable of reading social cues. Your brain is literally wired to do this, the same way we could say a dog’s nose is wired to smell.

So if you can’t do what a human being is meant to do, consider that the problem isn’t that you haven’t read enough books or watched enough YT videos on socializing. Consider that the problem is that you are not intune with your own signals. Most likely because you struggle with relaxing, and therefore your nervous system is in a state of fight-or-flight, which is anti-social.

You can of course read books and study body language. Charisma on Command is a good YT channel for this. But that’s honestly not what is going to make the biggest difference for people.

The biggest difference is going to come from relaxing your nervous system and socializing a lot.

Of course now that I said this, relaxing may become the new thing that you start to stress about. Is my nervous system relaxed enough??? Am I in fight or flight??? But you gotta start somewhere.

[Chew211]

11 minutes ago, aurum said:

@Molaric

The biggest difference is going to come from relaxing your nervous system and socializing a lot.

Also general trial and error. Gotta get oriented in the real world so that you're not in your head all the time. 

[Molaric]

14 minutes ago, aurum said:

@Molaric

Do you think you could be misdiagnosing the problem?

Unless you’re on the autism spectrum, most people with an average upbringing are perfectly capable of reading social cues. Your brain is literally wired to do this, the same way we could say a dog’s nose is wired to smell.

So if you can’t do what a human being is meant to do, consider that the problem isn’t that you haven’t read enough books or watched enough YT videos on socializing. Consider that the problem is that you are not intune with your own signals. Most likely because you struggle with relaxing, and therefore your nervous system is in a state of fight-or-flight, which is anti-social.

You can of course read books and study body language. Charisma on Command is a good YT channel for this. But that’s honestly not what is going to make the biggest difference for people.

The biggest difference is going to come from relaxing your nervous system and socializing a lot.

Of course now that I said this, relaxing may become the new thing that you start to stress about. Is my nervous system relaxed enough??? Am I in fight or flight??? But you gotta start somewhere.

My parents say I'm on the spectrum but I don't really align with much of the symptoms. I do relate to this nervousness since I don't want to sound weird and I try to improve my nonverbal mannerisms since whenever I do speak people give me weird looks and reactions. I just try to say something, but it always feels off and alien-ish to others I notice. 

[Lyubov]

1 hour ago, Molaric said:

Mostly nonverbal cues, and I feel like I do poorly when it comes to light-hearted conversation.

Could you go into more detail on the first? Do you have any specific stories or examples that you noted this recently being an issue? I ask because sometimes guys on the spectrum will over criticize themselves and think they stand out as socially odd way more than they do. These beliefs sort of start a round about of them then being kinda odd when if they were to not focus on it and just focus on having fun and relaxing in social settings they would come off totally fine. 

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Molaric said:

My parents say I'm on the spectrum but I don't really align with much of the symptoms. I do relate to this nervousness since I don't want to sound weird and I try to improve my nonverbal mannerisms since whenever I do speak people give me weird looks and reactions. I just try to say something, but it always feels off and alien-ish to others I notice. 

Well I’m not at all an expert on autism. But what I do know is that all diagnosing is largely just labeling.

And it seems to me that if you were truly on the spectrum, you’d not be aware that you were weirding others out and that you’re acting “off”. That already requires an ability to read social cues.

Study social skills in an intellectual way if you want, it certainly can be of some value. Otherwise I’d look into relaxing your system.

I’d also dig deeper into that nervousness. What are you so nervous of? And why?