Approach anxiety

[Javfly33]

I struggle with this... any advice?

Plenty plenty of girls nowadays in the comercial areas of my city. Honestly! A ridiculous amount of girls in the 19:00-20:00 time, it even hurts of how many Lol.. But no balls to approach so far  

[aurum]

@Javfly33 this has been discussed many times.

You needs wings and you need to baby step your way into approaching. Maybe just start by saying “hi” to people if that’s all you can muster. Take the pressure off, don’t try to hit a home run.

When you’re not approaching, you want to stay in a relatively positive / social state. This is just who you are and what you do 24/7. When you go to the grocery store, talk to the cashier. Talk to your Uber driver. Get lunch with friends. Pregame before you go out if you’re doing night game.

Final piece is to do the inner work. There’s endless techniques when it comes to it. See if you can become aware of why you have the anxiety. What exactly are you anxious of?

Start also building a habit of pushing your comfort zone little everyday so you have that muscle. Cold showers can help here.

If you do all of that, approaching may still sometimes be awkward, but in general it will be significantly easier.

[StarStruck]

You have to develop a killer instinct and get touch with this killer instinct. If you can you will reach this discipline called execution and you can just do it! The killer instinct is a psychopathic trait that should be combined with traits like social awareness, carefreeness, humor and calibration.

My advice is to go 10% out of your comfort zone and - push - it. It is no different than training a muscle in the gym. You just have to do it.

Edited October 28, 2021 by StarStruck

[Javfly33]

@aurum Thanks man, but tbh, I´ve already done that "indirect approach" "get into state" technique, plenty of times I think. And yeah, it makes you feel better, but at the end I just become comfortable to it and end up not doing proper approaches. 

I´ve gone out 3-4 times with "wings" but they are as unexperienced as me. And it was nighttime, we opened sets but I don't think its the same "real deal" as daygame. (Girls are so so so closed on nighttime in my opinion. Seems way more difficult for a beginner). And now that winter comes nightgame will be less easy to do also.

So far this last couple of days I´ve worked on being on the body and less on the mind. I try to become comfortable moving my body, trying to not being "self conscious". Because today I saw walking by me a couple of times 2 girls that I liked to approach, and it came the time to obviously run a little bit to catch them up, and I couldn't because I felt "self conscious" that people would see a guy running down the street and judge me (I am working on letting go of this self-conscious thoughts and being more in the body/present). What do you think? @aurum

Thanks for the rest of tips I will definitely try to be more social overall, and currently Im setting up a meditation habit. I also I am beginning to be "better" at conversations by feeling the body and being in the now that way I am not lost of thoughts of "how am I looking?" "what image am I displaying?" "is he/she judging me?" etc. 

[Space]

22 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

I struggle with this... any advice?

Plenty plenty of girls nowadays in the comercial areas of my city. Honestly! A ridiculous amount of girls in the 19:00-20:00 time, it even hurts of how many Lol.. But no balls to approach so far  

Theres kinda no way around just forcing yourself to do it. I started out really indirectly and just built up from there.  But ultimately there comes a point where you just need to approach a girl in a direct way and start a conversation. 

Just be willing to feel awkward and nervous. Every guy feels the same way. It's totally normal and ok.

You'll find the barrier of approach anxiety is actually extremely thin. I'm always shocked at how quickly I get over approach anxiety. Turns out the approach is the easiest part. The real challenge comes with having a quality conversation.

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

Thanks man, but tbh, I´ve already done that "indirect approach" "get into state" technique, plenty of times I think. And yeah, it makes you feel better, but at the end I just become comfortable to it and end up not doing proper approaches. 

 

Then my guess is you’re not hitting it hard enough.

In order for this to work, you have to be fast. You can’t do one and then wait 10 minutes. Ideally less than a minute in between these approaches.

You could easily do 10-20 of these before you do a “real” approach. So unless your numbers look like that, I’d say bump it up.

The key is you’ve got to send a signal to your subconscious that it’s safe for you to be outgoing and approach. Which means you’ve got to be continually leaning into your edge of what seems “scary” at the moment. 

If an approach is too scary, you’ll lock up. If it’s not scary enough, you won’t be sending that subconscious signal that it’s safe. So feel into that edge of where it’s uncomfortable, but still do-able.

1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

I´ve gone out 3-4 times with "wings" but they are as unexperienced as me. And it was nighttime, we opened sets but I don't think its the same "real deal" as daygame. (Girls are so so so closed on nighttime in my opinion. Seems way more difficult for a beginner). And now that winter comes nightgame will be less easy to do also.

 

This is not a problem at all.

At this point, you don’t even want wings who are too experienced. They’ll just shove you in your head and make you more insecure. And they probably won’t to go out with you anyway.

You need guys who are also inexperienced.

This is why I think my friends and I got better at this. We all knew we sucked, which took the pressure off of failure. Instead of posturing about how good we were at pickup, we created an internal culture where mistakes were legitimately encouraged. Our criteria for guys joining our inner circle was not how experienced they were but if they were doing the approaches. Learning was our top priority.

Later on you can be more picky about wings. There’s a time when that’s appropriate. But for now, as long as they approach and they’re not a psychopath, that’s good enough.

As far as your comment on night game, I wouldn’t give up on it. What night game really does is generate more extreme responses than day game. So you’ll have more girls who will blow you out hard, but you’ll also have girls who looking to party and open to moving things fast.

Your quickest results will usually come by doing night game. There’s also a lot more girls and social grace to fuck up because “partying”.

1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

So far this last couple of days I´ve worked on being on the body and less on the mind. I try to become comfortable moving my body, trying to not being "self conscious". Because today I saw walking by me a couple of times 2 girls that I liked to approach, and it came the time to obviously run a little bit to catch them up, and I couldn't because I felt "self conscious" that people would see a guy running down the street and judge me (I am working on letting go of this self-conscious thoughts and being more in the body/present). What do you think?

I would not be running up to girls. That is kind of a bad look and it’s also just unnecessary 99% of the time.

The vast majority of time, you should be approaching before it gets to that point.

However, it sounds like even if you didn’t have to run up to those girls, you still wouldn’t have done the approach. You’re still trying to go from 0 to 100 in no time. It doesn’t usually work.

If you were very experienced then maybe you could get away with that. But as a newbie that’s just shooting yourself in the foot.

Now if you had spent the last 15-30 minutes warming up like I described above, then that could have been doable. 

1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

Thanks for the rest of tips I will definitely try to be more social overall, and currently Im setting up a meditation habit. I also I am beginning to be "better" at conversations by feeling the body and being in the now that way I am not lost of thoughts of "how am I looking?" "what image am I displaying?" "is he/she judging me?" etc. 

 That’s all good.

[aurum]

13 hours ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

I don't think it's possible to get rid of that anxiety completely, but you can lower it. I've heard that herbs like ashwagandha can work like a charm, meditating can help also ofc.

Saying hi to people and being overall social is probably a good place to start, that's what I'm doing also. @aurum Thanks for the tips.

You’re welcome ?

[Loving Radiance]

@Javfly33 In general for socializing make the bar super low to talk to people. Get yourself into flow state: greet people along the way or casually talk to them. You are super open and chill. You are interested in people. They can also pull away if they want. You don't mind, you just open other interesting people right away.