I'm hesitating, need some advice please.

[Ilan]

Okay, so here is the thing. I am 25 years old and profoundly want to do the highest good to the world. An idea came to my mind to start a youtube channel to teach people how to feel good to start and then maybe, my channel will take another more powerful direction.

My upsides: I used/am very social so I already have a great network(Facebook) and could start strong with a youtube channel.

I'm naturally nurturing and caring with people.

I deeply wanna help eventhough my ego could corrupt my will

My downside:

I went to psych ward and everybody knows that(but I thought about starting my youtube channel by announcing it and explaining a little bit what happened to me and how I got out of it(not using anything they forced me to swallow in the psych ward)

I feel i'm still hurt by what I swallow in the psych ward eventhough my healing is very very potent now.

Thanks for your futur reply

Namaskar ;p

[Flowerfaeiry]

IMO you going to a psych ward means you have more experience to teach from. You can use the healing and hurt from what you learned there to help others too. 

[Nahm]

I’d share anyways and let the ‘downside’ go, but I’d approach this as always secondary to your health & well being. 

[Ilan]

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

IMO you going to a psych ward means you have more experience to teach from. You can use the healing and hurt from what you learned there to help others too. 

Thank you a lot. I really do not know what to add except some honey

[Ilan]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

I’d share anyways and let the ‘downside’ go, but I’d approach this as always secondary to your health & well being. 

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

I’d share anyways and let the ‘downside’ go, but I’d approach this as always secondary to your health & well being. 

Thanks Nahm, I'll try to approach it in a slow fast moving way

[PepperBlossoms]

2 hours ago, Ilan said:

Okay, so here is the thing. I am 25 years old and profoundly want to do the highest good to the world. An idea came to my mind to start a youtube channel to teach people how to feel good to start and then maybe, my channel will take another more powerful direction.

My upsides: I used/am very social so I already have a great network(Facebook) and could start strong with a youtube channel.

I'm naturally nurturing and caring with people.

I deeply wanna help eventhough my ego could corrupt my will

Nice choice of words.   I hope you are doing okay.  What's the highest good to the world look like in your eyes?  I am sorry you are still hurt. 

I am currently juggling with the idea - "everything is already okay" but yet we are making changes anyway to make things more okay from our perspective but then when we do things to help us it has an impact on others and ahh its hard.  

Edited October 27, 2021 by PepperBlossoms

[Ilan]

5 minutes ago, PepperBlossoms said:

Nice choice of words.   I hope you are doing okay.  What's the highest good to the world look like in your eyes?  I am sorry you are still hurt. 

I am currently juggling with the idea - "everything is already okay" but yet we are making changes anyway to make things more okay from our perspective but then when we do things to help us it has an impact on others and ahh its hard.  

I'm fine. Sometimes unstable but fine. 

To me in that present moment, the highest good would be to let a gentle positive message to help other realizing the Self, maybe plant trees.

And then when I'll feel my time on earth has been satisfying, going really really hard and deep on myself on my own, expressing my thirsty psychopath but only with myself.

Yes I agree "everything is already okay" but my ego can't helping itself wanting to make it better.

And yes again I do not want to burn people out. It's hard though cause I do not wanna become an Eckart tolle neither (deep respect for the man)

 

 

[Ilan]

Sorry I'm realizing my answer is not that honest. I forgot an important component which is my family and maybe build a family. Still hesitating here though. A little bit confusing

[Ilan]

Playfulness is key

[Ilan]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

I’d share anyways and let the ‘downside’ go, but I’d approach this as always secondary to your health & well being. 

I just grasped that, sorry and thanks Nahm

[Breakingthewall]

First transcend your ego, or at least transcend it more. and after that you can really help others. Ask yourself: I want to help others for them, or for me? what do you think? I think that we must work on ourselves until we reach the point, if we arrive, where our engine is not the ego. then, it is time to consider an activity focused on others. meanwhile, helping ourselves is more than enough

[Nahm]

@Ilan

No worries at all my friend.  That was more of a general comment than anything specific to you. 

[PepperBlossoms]

18 hours ago, Ilan said:

I'm fine. Sometimes unstable but fine. 

Is there a cycle that the stable to unstableness tends to have?  Mine has been like: lack of sleep -> not able to focus -> eat unhealthy food -> feel stressed/anxiety -> focus on something to get away from the stress -> feel excited -> can't sleep -> see performance at work/school go down the drain -> not able to get stuff done like usual -> feel upset -> lack empathy/ability to consider long term -> interact poorly with others (or do some dumb stuff that involves adrenaline/spending money) -> feel embarrassed -> get away from work/school/people -> have alone time -> meditate/sleep/spend time alone -> feel calm -> feel alright again -> want to go back to seeing people/work/school again ... and then the cycle eventually repeats again... yours may be different but I have had cycles that were like that - just being able to be aware of the cycle(s) and draw it out on a piece of paper has helped greatly.  Can draw cycles for lots of stuff such as when arguments happen and why, etc.  Changing my diet has helped quite a bit.

18 hours ago, Ilan said:

To me in that present moment, the highest good would be to let a gentle positive message to help other realizing the Self, maybe plant trees.

It can be interesting to have conversations with others of different views and see their reasoning process

18 hours ago, Ilan said:

And then when I'll feel my time on earth has been satisfying, going really really hard and deep on myself on my own, expressing my thirsty psychopath but only with myself.

What's your thirsty psychopathy expressions like? (if you want to share, if not, you don't have to)

18 hours ago, Ilan said:

Yes I agree "everything is already okay" but my ego can't helping itself wanting to make it better.

Yeah ego stuff is weird- oh I need to help myself to oh I need to help others to oh I don't have to do anything to oh I don't want to feel pain or I don't want others to feel pain to everything seems to futile.  It's like, bugs eat bugs, animals eat animals, people kill bugs and eat/kill animals and kill people.  The futility of always seeing everything the way we see it as "right" and yet everyone sees "right" as something different (or notions of "good").  The futility that bugs need to eat so they have to eat other bugs and you can't tell them to stop as they don't use the same language.

I feel like maybe the ego, which is us, we can decide what we want to do.. maybe.. like we can decide where our thoughts go.  (or not - that gets into the question of how much control we have vs don't have)

18 hours ago, Ilan said:

And yes again I do not want to burn people out. It's hard though cause I do not wanna become an Eckart tolle neither (deep respect for the man)

What part about Eckart Tolle do you not want to become?

18 hours ago, Ilan said:

Sorry I'm realizing my answer is not that honest. I forgot an important component which is my family and maybe build a family. Still hesitating here though. A little bit confusing

When you say hesitating, can you elaborate some more?  Hesitating on what?  What about the hesitation?

Edited October 28, 2021 by PepperBlossoms

[BipolarGrowth]

Judgment from others is temporary. The impact you have on those who will be benefited by your channel will probably be a lot longer lasting. The psych ward is a part of life. If they judge you for that, it shows immaturity and/or lack of experience IMO. 
 

Making a YouTube channel based on similar things as you describe has been one of the best decisions of my life. Even just the value of being able to see where you were at in so many different points of life is pretty much worth it alone. 

Edited October 28, 2021 by BipolarGrowth

[Ilan]

11 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

Is there a cycle that the stable to unstableness tends to have?  Mine has been like: lack of sleep -> not able to focus -> eat unhealthy food -> feel stressed/anxiety -> focus on something to get away from the stress -> feel excited -> can't sleep -> see performance at work/school go down the drain -> not able to get stuff done like usual -> feel upset -> lack empathy/ability to consider long term -> interact poorly with others (or do some dumb stuff that involves adrenaline/spending money) -> feel embarrassed -> get away from work/school/people -> have alone time -> meditate/sleep/spend time alone -> feel calm -> feel alright again -> want to go back to seeing people/work/school again ... and then the cycle eventually repeats again... yours may be different but I have had cycles that were like that - just being able to be aware of the cycle(s) and draw it out on a piece of paper has helped greatly.  Can draw cycles for lots of stuff such as when arguments happen and why, etc.  Changing my diet has helped quite a bit.

It can be interesting to have conversations with others of different views and see their reasoning process

What's your thirsty psychopathy expressions like? (if you want to share, if not, you don't have to)

Yeah ego stuff is weird- oh I need to help myself to oh I need to help others to oh I don't have to do anything to oh I don't want to feel pain or I don't want others to feel pain to everything seems to futile.  It's like, bugs eat bugs, animals eat animals, people kill bugs and eat/kill animals and kill people.  The futility of always seeing everything the way we see it as "right" and yet everyone sees "right" as something different (or notions of "good").  The futility that bugs need to eat so they have to eat other bugs and you can't tell them to stop as they don't use the same language.

I feel like maybe the ego, which is us, we can decide what we want to do.. maybe.. like we can decide where our thoughts go.  (or not - that gets into the question of how much control we have vs don't have)

What part about Eckart Tolle do you not want to become?

When you say hesitating, can you elaborate some more?  Hesitating on what?  What about the hesitation?

Yes. not exactly the same cycle but a "can't get out" cycle too eventhough I feel now I'm getting out or should I say the cycle is evaporating.

I'll try to find more people I can talk with about this.

What's your thirsty expressions like? I do not know, I can feel it. It feels so good yet at the same time so devilish. (playing this game is also devilish)

Yeah I have "this moment is perfect moment" while I'm struggling it makes me have strange loop visions where I see myself falling yet at the same external layers of time space moving in opposite direction. (I've explained badly what I see, will try to find a video that explains it better)

I feel I'm more and more losing control over my life yer at the same time gaining control.

I mean I'm kind of an ingrate cause I like the fruits of Eckart Tolle but do not want to become like him. "The power of now" has been the most powerful book for me(I do not read a lot at all though so short efficient books are gold for me. As an exemple I bought the book of not knowing, I saw how long it was and I just read the first page. I was in a low state of consciousness when than happened though) but I guess his emptiness scares me and my ego would label him as "soft".

Sorry I can't reply to your last question anymore.

Thanks for the time you put into that answer/questions.

 

 

[Ilan]

8 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

Judgment from others is temporary. The impact you have on those who will be benefited by your channel will probably be a lot longer lasting. The psych ward is a part of life. If they judge you for that, it shows immaturity and/or lack of experience IMO. 
 

Making a YouTube channel based on similar things as you describe has been one of the best decisions of my life. Even just the value of being able to see where you were at in so many different points of life is pretty much worth it alone. 

Thank you.

How deep is your Love ? 

[BipolarGrowth]

3 hours ago, Ilan said:

Thank you.

How deep is your Love ? 

I once looked into the mirror, fully conscious of how much Love I’ve been lucky to experience in this life, and was brought to some of if not the most intense tears of my life as I realized how little Love the world has been able to experience. I was crying so hard in this state of compassion that I almost vomited. I immediately renewed my vow to become a bodhisattva which I had made 2-3 years prior. To me, if I can get help at least one being recognize the degrees of Love I’ve been able to, my life was worth it regardless of what suffering I endure. 

[PepperBlossoms]

12 hours ago, Ilan said:

Yes. not exactly the same cycle but a "can't get out" cycle too eventhough I feel now I'm getting out or should I say the cycle is evaporating.

I'll try to find more people I can talk with about this.

What's your thirsty expressions like? I do not know, I can feel it. It feels so good yet at the same time so devilish. (playing this game is also devilish)

Yeah I have "this moment is perfect moment" while I'm struggling it makes me have strange loop visions where I see myself falling yet at the same external layers of time space moving in opposite direction. (I've explained badly what I see, will try to find a video that explains it better)

I feel I'm more and more losing control over my life yer at the same time gaining control.

I mean I'm kind of an ingrate cause I like the fruits of Eckart Tolle but do not want to become like him. "The power of now" has been the most powerful book for me(I do not read a lot at all though so short efficient books are gold for me. As an exemple I bought the book of not knowing, I saw how long it was and I just read the first page. I was in a low state of consciousness when than happened though) but I guess his emptiness scares me and my ego would label him as "soft".

Sorry I can't reply to your last question anymore.

Thanks for the time you put into that answer/questions.

@IlanDevilish seems to be a tricky one.  Some of the stuff that felt devilish for me, I greatly regretted and felt hurt by.  Other times, I felt like I was stepping out of my shell and trying to find my own way.

Regarding falling -  The universe seems weird because there appears to be no up, down, left, or right other than from one's perspective ad so falling appears to be relative to some sort of imagined high spot.  It can be interesting to lie on the ground outside and look at the sky upside down and then see that what we may tend to see as "up" may just be relative to how we typically stand.  When the sky is viewed from upside down relative to the typical human direction, it feels like you could fall into the sky.

Regarding opposite direction -  Part of me feels that the whole time travel back in time doesn't really work unless we got to keep our memories.  If we are actually going back, we may not have the memories and hence may not be aware that we were ever in the "future" and it may feel like we are just in a now experiencing a now.  But then it is also seems like time is a constructed made up thing and we made up the idea of months, days, years or that we are in "year 2021."  Birthdays and holidays too.

Loops of thoughts can feel overwhelming and sometimes I just want to get out of that and move on to something else.

Haha on just reading the first page.  I do that a lot too - or I just go to a random page. 

I have that book "the power of now" but just read like a page or 2.  Um emptiness seems weird in that if we have no ears, eyes, nose, mouth, hands, brain, etc.,  would we experience anything?  And then what is we?  I sometimes think of myself as an empty vessel.  Uh the universe seems weird in that stuff feels like it is here but everything seems to have voids and nothing seems completely solid.  I don't know..!

"Soft" people can be nice and pleasant in contrast with hard and aggressive.  All in moderation and balance.

9 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

I once looked into the mirror, fully conscious of how much Love I’ve been lucky to experience in this life, and was brought to some of if not the most intense tears of my life as I realized how little Love the world has been able to experience. I was crying so hard in this state of compassion that I almost vomited. I immediately renewed my vow to become a bodhisattva which I had made 2-3 years prior. To me, if I can get help at least one being recognize the degrees of Love I’ve been able to, my life was worth it regardless of what suffering I endure. 

@BipolarGrowthCould also look at it like considering that that "one being" could be yourself and if you have helped yourself, it has been worth it.

In terms of non-duality, all the others may be you too so you could be helping yourself then regardless of if it seems as you you or as other separate you's.

The notion of "help" is a tricky one as I see that when I do one thing it helps in one regard and hurts in another.. but yes I understand help in how it tends to be usually meant.  What kind of help are you trying to provide?  I am sorry you are having suffering.