I simply have no self belief in this domain

[GroovyGuru]

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. I do not at all consider myself unconfident and un-masculine in most areas of my life. I stay in good shape. I am aggressively pursuing an amazing career. My friends and family view me as a very wise and mature 23 year old. I have plenty of goals and aspirations. Yet, when it comes to dating and sexuality, I have absolutely 0 experience and my psychology in this area is a total disaster.

 

As the title says, I just totally lack belief in myself. The idea of ever being able to be romantic and intimate with a woman who I find attractive literally seems almost impossible to imagine. I'm being serious here. I REALLY don't want to sound like a hopeless and desperate incel because typically when I recognize that I'm operating from a victim mindset I can quickly tell myself self to shut the f*%$ up, man up, and deal with what I have to deal with. But I am struggling so bad in this domain of life. My biggest obstacle is that I am nearing my mid 20s and feel that my window of sexual learning and experimentation has passed. I feel that any woman I would try to connect with at this point is not looking to hold my hand and guide me through this. A 23 or 24 year old woman wants a man who knows what he is doing. I cannot offer that. And I am so paralyzed with fear in this area of my life that I can't even get myself to try. Why did I not experience these things in my teens like most of my peers? I truly do not know, it is a mystery to me as to how I even ended up in this situation. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. But at the same time I know I am not a weak man. I may struggle in certain areas of my life but I will never stop aiming for something in this life and trying to become my best version.

 

I believe I am a product of a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. Years and years of wondering, self-doubt, shame, and very little action. I feel quite defeated. Like my mind has beat me, at least when it comes to dating. I don't know how to go about changing my mindset, and I'm running out of time. How can I ever find a partner if I can't even envision it?  It's now come to the point where certain family members, especially my mother, are starting to worry and become concerned. I'm sure my friends think it's quite weird too. This added pressure makes me feel worse about myself. I feel I am strong and independent enough to be fine and content on my own, but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I'm not missing out on one of the most beautiful and worthwhile aspects of life, like many weird ass incel and red pill guys do.

[Leo Gura]

You simply lack experience.

23 is so fucking young. Your window for getting good with girls has just begun. But you have to start taking serious action. This is your wake up. Don't waste the next 10 years not learning game.

I started learning at 27.

You don't need any women to guide you through it. You don't even need to tell them anything is off. Just learn game and physical escalation.

Sex itself is natural and easy. The hard part is getting her into your bed.

[AlphaAbundance]

@GroovyGuru How can you be confident in a domain you have no experience in? That's like asking you to be confident in archery or gardening or some shit I'd imagine you have never done. There is still general confidence in your ability to accomplish (self-efficacy) that bleeds into different fields but when it comes to a field you have no idea about, you could say the confidence isn't really there, its mainly courage. So having the courage to take action and explore this domain of life might be the next step for you. The psychology and confidence will come later.

[Ineedanswers]

@Leo Gura did you have any girlfriends in high school/early twenties? Or were you focusing on building up your business?

[Leo Gura]

8 minutes ago, Ineedanswers said:

@Leo Gura did you have any girlfriends in high school/early twenties? Or were you focusing on building up your business?

I was 100% focused on my life purpose.

[Ineedanswers]

@Leo Gura so you didn’t have a gf till you were 20+ either?! Omg that means that there IS hope for me! I thought you were a playa in high school and your early twenties

[Nahm]

8 hours ago, GroovyGuru said:

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me.

There isn’t anything wrong with you, there is the belief that there is, and that is what doesn’t feel good / resonate, simply because it isn’t true. 

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I just totally lack belief in myself.

Likewise, lack is the discordant belief. Lack doesn’t exist, you’re just believing it does and then missing the thought feels very off. 

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feel that my window of sexual learning and experimentation has passed. I feel that any woman I would try to connect with at this point is not looking to hold my hand and guide me through this.

You believe that. What’s felt is the discord of that belief. Instead of projecting the belief, reach for a bit better feeling thought. 

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A 23 or 24 year old woman wants a man who knows what he is doing. I cannot offer that. And I am so paralyzed with fear in this area of my life that I can't even get myself to try.

Choose perspectives that resonate. Get humble. You don’t know that, or really anything discordant at all. That’s why some thoughts feel so terrible. You’re assuming people know stuff. I’m over twice your age and I’m hear to tell ya, no one knows anything at all. This is a situation of absolute anarchy we’re all in. That assumption of what someone wants or knows can meet the actuality of sharing & expression (instead of continuing to assume). Likewise, fear is an emotion you are experiencing, and not the other way around. No one can get themself to try, because one is already oneself. 

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Why did I not experience these things in my teens like most of my peers? I truly do not know, it is a mystery to me as to how I even ended up in this situation. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. But at the same time I know I am not a weak man. I may struggle in certain areas of my life but I will never stop aiming for something in this life and trying to become my best version.

The actuality of the situation is the believing of the thoughts, and not any kind of actual lack, shortage or limitation upon you. You’re trying to ‘bend the spoon’, which is impossible. Be the change you wish to experience - and you do. Ashamed and embarrassed are not emotions, they’re conceptual justifications. In feeling & understanding emotions, the justifications no longer arise. 

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I believe I am a product of a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.

Well, you aren’t, and that’s why the belief feels off. What you’re feeling there is a never ending new opportunity to choose alignment / well being (which is highly attractive btw). 

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Years and years of wondering, self-doubt, shame, and very little action. I feel quite defeated. Like my mind has beat me, at least when it comes to dating.

‘Years & years’ is only a thought about ‘years and years’, and is not actually years and years at all. Self-doubt, shame and defeated are concepts not emotions. 

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I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I'm not missing out on one of the most beautiful and worthwhile aspects of life, like many weird ass incel and red pill guys do.

Thinking in double negatives is two too many. 

The happiness of adding a her is wonderful but surface level and typically short lived. The happiness uncovered from the subtraction of beliefs is eternal. You can have your pie and eat it too. Open up to this possibility. Understand the emotions you’re experiencing. Go see what an experience actually is… it’s not your assumption, beliefs and justifications. It’s an experience. The belief is ‘I don’t have any beliefs in this domain’, while the actuality is you’re holding a bunch of beliefs and it’d feel great to inspect and see through them. Expression is the way. 

[Hello from Russia]

Jesus Christ, 23-24 women are still fucking childs, why do you put the on pedestal? They don't know anything & are extremely ignorant

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@Leo Gura this is so cool. I wish I had wisdom and discipline to do it earlier. I am 21 now and up until this point I neither focused on my life purpose neither on my social life, which resulting at me being good at nothing. I feel like I've wasted most of my life to be honest.

You have plenty of time to correct your mistakes.

But not so much time that you can spare any more of it sitting on the fence.

GET TO WORK!

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura Where i live there are a lot of guys that are very good looking and tall. I have this feeling of being outmatched by them and it bothers me sometimes especially if i am out and i am in a group with such people and other girls. Like i  keep seeing girls give them more attention while i get treated like i do not exist, just as a cool guy. It is really demotivating sometimes. One of the reasons i do not like clubs is that every time i have went there i got treated like i did not exist and all the girls talked and danced with the more attractive guys. It is too loud and crowded to talk with them and attract them with your personality. 

I basically feel like a student going to a math class with overachievers in math.

When you started, did you have this issue also? If yes how did you get over it?

 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Karmadhi

[kamwalker]

I don't mean this is a patronizing or condescending way, but a 23 year old man or woman is basically a child. You assume everyone else around you has somehow figured life out but they haven't. They're 30-40 year olds I would still classify like this to be honest. 

You need experience. But don't approach your experiences with the mindset of being a failure or being a late bloomer. None of that matters just have fun and things will come naturally over time. 

[diamondpenguin]

@Something Funny Just turn on some Lo-fi hip hop Nujabes music and sit behind your computer and build an online business. Pretty simple, you got this. Get off the bench and get into the game. Leo Gura is my Alter-Ego. 

[Jacob Morres]

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM8fAhapD/

I thought this tiktok channel might be helpful . She's a therapist and she humanizes the struggles we all go through in dating and she brings alternative healthier approaches to it. I actually found it healing so maybe it might be helpful for you too 

I've dealt with similar thoughts over the years so I totally get it. There's nothing wrong with you. You're mind is in conflict towards itself and facing really normal human emotions (that we all go through) 

Even if you are 23, I can tell you that you can still have what you want here, you will be amazed as to what you can accomplish in a few years of incremental effort (it snowballs)

Regarding that fear, that sounds really tough. Personally, eckhart tolle helps me a lot with that fear. There's 2 chapters in 'practical applications of the power of now' on dealing with unconsciousness and dissolving the pain body that personally helped me a lot. Managing that fear and realizing that fear is an illusion helps a lot

I also recommend a therapist (or self therapy) that could be helpful with loving compassion techniques, trauma therapy, or family systems for those parts of yourself that you feel in resistance with. Because there is nothing wrong with you, you are a human being just like us 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

@Leo Gura Where i live there are a lot of guys that are very good looking and tall. I have this feeling of being outmatched by them and it bothers me sometimes especially if i am out and i am in a group with such people and other girls. Like i  keep seeing girls give them more attention while i get treated like i do not exist, just as a cool guy. It is really demotivating sometimes. One of the reasons i do not like clubs is that every time i have went there i got treated like i did not exist and all the girls talked and danced with the more attractive guys. It is too loud and crowded to talk with them and attract them with your personality. 

You are treated like you don't exist because you haven't developed game. You are being too meek and so the environment overpowers you. The solution is to develop a more powerful approach.

It is not too loud. I've been in some loud ass clubs. The solition there is to use lots of physical openers, physical game, very direct verbals, learn to project your voice more, and very powerful sexual eye contact. The louder it is the more you can caveman it. Literally grab girls by the arm and pull then into you. Some will bust but some will hook hard.

Your height is not the problem. You just lack the strong game necessary for loud clubs.

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When you started, did you have this issue also? If yes how did you get over it?

I def struggled with loud ass clubs.

The way I dealt with it is by forcing myself to approach girls and by making myself just comfortable and relaxed in the club. The club has a way of overpowering you. You have to train yourself to ignore all the noise and distractions. You have to put yourself into a relaxed meditative state and then do lots of direct physical openers.

A good way to start is by tapping her on the shoulder, smile, and if she gives you positive eye contact, grab her, pull her into you, and say something direct like, "I love you". Then eye-fuck her. Then plow with some verbals and lots of physical escalation. Then lead her to a quieter area to talk or lead her to dance on the dance floor. Or both.

I know plenty of short guys who do great at the loudest clubs, better than me. It's not the height, it's your lack of game. Most of my wings were shorter guys who killed at the clubs. But they had very good game.

It helps a lot to get some experienced wings and just watch them approach in such loud clubs. This will prove to you that it can be done.

[mmKay]

@Leo Gura have you ever tried ear plugs in clubs? Ive heard there are some amazing ones that allow you for normal conversation but block the loud ass music

[Leo Gura]

57 minutes ago, mmKay said:

@Leo Gura have you ever tried ear plugs in clubs? Ive heard there are some amazing ones that allow you for normal conversation but block the loud ass music

I have tried multiple pairs but none of them work for me. I find it hard to talk with them on.

[Pudgey]

@Karmadhi Both of my wingmen are below 6 foot (I'm the only tall one), so it's definitely an excuse. I see a lot of pussy short and tall guys and you know what's common? Their lack of self-confidence is what doesn't get them laid or even a phone number. You need to go out more and develop your personality / perosnal-charisma. By doing this, you will dispel a lot of your lack of self-belief and self-esteem, especially once you see (from your direct experience) a hot girl wanting to fuck you for what you are and what you have to offer. 

You literally need to fully believe you are alpha / awesome / the most cool guy. You will only develop that through a direct experience. By doing this, you will realize that there are nuances in your personality that you didn't know you've had that will start to flourish and you can leverage that to attract women. There will be a lot of pain during the journey and that includes mine as well. 

For example, I went out every week with my fearless wingman (who is short and Indian and I'm sure you wouldn't want to suffer from the social stigmas that come from that combination). Not only did he "usurp" these bullshit social stigmas, but made it look silly and pussy to dwell over. We were able to get a lot of results through repetition and putting ourselves out there more. Getting out of our comfort zone. 

Then it "clicked" in my head that just being fucking bad-ass and fully believing in yourself is what makes you attractive.

Reaching for 1000% authenticity is the goal. This low conscious "hunter/viking/warrior" mentality is what got us there too (essentially, you have to be a fucking man not a boy. You have to have balls, big ones). And, oh boy, did it nearly get us into some trouble in a few situations! Also, (it appears contradictory) but being ULTRA positive is also key for me. Any ounce of negativity towards yourself or the girl and you will get burnt. Either your ego will get in the way or you will ruin the set (in other words, a girl or group of girls to approach and interact with). 

Only did my physical attractiveness applied, but not as significantly as charisma / confidence / self-belief. In fact, there were some nights where every single girl loved me. Then there were some nights every single girl hated black guys and wanted nothing to do with them! That definitely put my ego in check as well. 

As far as my wing, he's killing it.

AND Of course, we still have a lot to improve, but your lack of self-belief / self-confidence / charisma is what holding you back. Learning how to be really fucking social will get you there. Also, have fucking fun. Counter intuitively, I don't even go out purely for women, but to have as much fun as possible. This put so much pressure off and settles your ego. 

So, I approach everyone.

This direct experience gave me insight into what being the "cool guy" is. I've approached 50+ one night (both girls / guys) and had a blast. Made a tonne of new friends and gotten crazy results. And if you are socially awkward, I recommend talking to as many people as possible, as it will improve your vibe skills. Focus mostly on leading the conversation and getting them to talk. 

Also, (IMHO) earplugs are for pussies. Don't let a girl catch you with them on. And what I've said above is all night game. 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Pudgey

[Karmadhi]

@Pudgey It is not just height, that is something not important i mentioned. It is looks in general and most importantly the fact that females give you 0 attention and give it all to the handsome guys, simple as that. 

You can barely talk to girls in such places and you are basically only left with physical stuff.

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Karmadhi

[Gili Trawangan]

I wouldn't be caught dead in a loud ass night club 

DAYGAME.

[Karmadhi]

@Gili Trawangan I really enjoy house parties personally. You can easily meet people there and you can have conversations, make jokes, everyone is a bit tipsy and it is overall a great vibe.