should I give in and become social or face my loneliness?

[Vercingetorix]

For many years I have tried to "cure" myself from the need for contact, validation, sharing, talking, and getting help from others. I saw it as a weakness. I thought that the loneliness I feel is an emotion that has to be felt and conquered, eliminated from the root. That to be truly free I need to feel happy just by myself with no one else. But it never really worked out for me. Although I think I developed my self-love a lot and I can be fairly happy by myself most of the time, loneliness was never really completely rooted away. I wasn't really happy the way I wanted. In recent times, I gave up on this way and decided to build a social circle, create friendships, and close connections, and to be honest I see that I'm much much happier and fulfilled this way.

So my question is: from your experience, are we truly social animals? should I treat my need to talk, share, be listened to, interact and talk with people the same way I treat my need to eat and sleep?  or maybe It's just an escape from feeling loneliness and other unpleasant emotions, and I should go deeper into these emotions until they fade into love?

[AlphaAbundance]

There are different components, reasons why people socialize, they can include

• Validation / Approval
• Connection / Affinity / Belonging
• Expression / Release
• Helping / Giving
• Mating / Romance / Sex
• Entertainment / Humor / Amusement / Fun
• Learning
• Support (Financial, Emotional, Personal vs. Societal, etc.)

For each of those there is a giving / receiving end. Like for learning, the giving end would be teaching. As you could say both parties are benefiting from the interaction. However, alot of those needs can be met without others / socializing. Sometimes people want to be in solitude to overcome --- or rather transcend ---- these needs for enlightenment or development or whatever. 

What do you mean by treat it similarly? You could say they are "fundamentally" different needs, one is neccessary for the continuation of this physical form and one is not? 

Loneliness I would say can be a combination of different emotions / thoughts, and not as simple as not socializing = loneliness. It could be feeling inadequate or unworthy due to lack of validation of others, could be feeling sexually frustrated due to lack of opposite sex or whatever. What do you mean by loneliness? What do you mean by an escape? One could say drinking is an escape from sensations/emotions of thrist and eating is an escape from sensations/emotions of hunger, although those are a bit different. 

What causes you to want to avoid socialization and face loneliness? Enlightenment/Development? Wanting to be able to be independent? Content with solitude? Would you say you are an introvert or extrovert? Have you been too dependent on others in the past?

 

[Terell Kirby]

18 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

For many years I have tried to "cure" myself from the need for contact, validation, sharing, talking, and getting help from others.

Sounds like you want to connect with others, but might be crippled by social anxiety. Explore the fear by putting yourself in social situations and connecting with other humans.

To suppress your urges by resisting them with a self righteous attitude is bad for your mental, physical and emotional health.

Edited October 24, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[Vercingetorix]

21 hours ago, AlphaAbundance said:

21 hours ago, AlphaAbundance said:

What do you mean by treat it similarly? You could say they are "fundamentally" different needs, one is neccessary for the continuation of this physical form and one is not? 

I mean just as I can't survive and be happy without food, maybe I'm a social animal and can't be happy without a social circle.
When I am by myself and don't share with anyone my day, my thoughts, my emotions, and struggles, I tend to feel lonely, heavy, not cheerful and happy, and excited as I tend to be when I share these things with other people.  should I treat the negative emotions that come up as something to face and transcend, as If I will do it enough I will become free of them and then will become happy, excited, and cheerful by myself, without being dependant on other people. or no matter how much I face these emotions, they just reflect basic human needs that I gotta give to myself to be happy and they will stay with me until they are satisfied.

I think I'm introverted. I have a twin brother and we were quite dependent on each other as kids but since age 14 I started to become independent and be by myself.

[Vercingetorix]

@Terell Kirby today I feel pretty comfortable and I enjoy most social situations, but I think you are right that I suffered from social anxiety to a degree. and for sure for many years I resisted my needs, not in a healthy way.

[something_else]

23 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

I thought that the loneliness I feel is an emotion that has to be felt and conquered, eliminated from the root. That to be truly free I need to feel happy just by myself with no one else

The root cause of loneliness is not talking to people 

It's kind of like saying you aren't gonna eat food to conquer hunger 

If you wanted to transcend loneliness in a healthy way then you have to do that from a position of having abundant social opportunity/experience and choosing to reject that in favour of solitude. Otherwise it's just running away from your problems

Sounds like you're on a better track now. I'm also on the path of building up a social circle, trying to be far more social etc. As a way to handle social anxiety

[AlphaAbundance]

@Vercingetorix It sounds like expression / sharing is a need you fulfill with socialization. Have you tried journaling, writing letters, art, music or other forms of expression that don't require others?

What if any thoughts are associated with these feelings of loneliness and heaviness?

Why do you want to transcend these negative emotions / reactions, or desires for socializing and interaction?

I think its possible for people to be content without others, is this what you want?

[Jacob Morres]

Bump 

Maybe it has to do with how much you can handle and your intention. I've personally been on both sides of the coin, and have felt limits to both. Lots of friends and socializing can distract you from more meaningful things and the lack of it can make you depressed (imo) 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Brittany]

On 10/23/2021 at 7:33 PM, Vercingetorix said:

For many years I have tried to "cure" myself from the need for contact, validation, sharing, talking, and getting help from others. I saw it as a weakness. I thought that the loneliness I feel is an emotion that has to be felt and conquered, eliminated from the root. That to be truly free I need to feel happy just by myself with no one else. But it never really worked out for me. Although I think I developed my self-love a lot and I can be fairly happy by myself most of the time, loneliness was never really completely rooted away. I wasn't really happy the way I wanted. In recent times, I gave up on this way and decided to build a social circle, create friendships, and close connections, and to be honest I see that I'm much much happier and fulfilled this way.

So my question is: from your experience, are we truly social animals? should I treat my need to talk, share, be listened to, interact and talk with people the same way I treat my need to eat and sleep?  or maybe It's just an escape from feeling loneliness and other unpleasant emotions, and I should go deeper into these emotions until they fade into love?

In a recent workshop, Teal Swan said something along the lines of "there is not a difference between receiving love from others and self love". Or something like that. haha

And I think she hit the nail on the head.

Ego transcendence work or self love work blossoms when it's done as a hobby. Instead of when you force yourself to do it.