How To Look For A Relationship, Without Looking For A Relationship

[electroBeam]

Putting clubs and bars aside, how/where can you approach girls that you could potentially date without coming off as creepy or desperate? 

I find that, whenever I'm actively looking for a girl to date in say a shopping mall, events, venues, etc. its like I'm wearing female repellent spray, and the amount of times girls have freaked out from me coming off as creepy is crazy. BUT whenever I'm not particularly focused on relationships, and i go to an event for career networking opportunities, all of a sudden there are heaps of girls i can talk to and potentially date. 

It reminds me of that say that goes something like this: if you've lost something; a toy, object, etc. You will only find it, when you are looking for something else.

To make the connection, you will only find a potential partner, when you aren't looking for one.

But this is where it gets tricky, at the same time, if you don't look for a potential partner, you're not going to get a date either, because you need to put effort into showing that someone that you are interested. 

So how do you strike that balance?

Overall my questions are:

• What specific places have heaps of girls you can potentially meet without coming off as creepy; if you go to the shops purely looking for a girl... that's creepy as fuck. Where can you go that's a little less creepy? Sure you can go to pubs and clubs, but you can't go to pubs and clubs every weekend. Firstly, you need to go with friends who are into relationships to go(which there is a scarce number of) and secondly it fucks up your sleeping patterns waay too much.
• How do you approach girls in lets say 'innapropriate' places like shopping centres, church, etc without coming off as desperate. If you are soley going to these places to find a partner, it can feel kind of pathetic and it can feel like you have 1 goal in mind, and that automatically makes you seem desperate. How do you change that?
• How do you strike that balance between putting in enough effort to find girls and tell them that you're interested in them, but at the same time not coming off as desperate and creepy?

thanks guys

Edited December 20, 2016 by electroBeam

[Guest username]

Have you studied pick up?

[Radical Honesty]

The problem usually isn't approaching girls. It's approaching them in a meek/half-assed way where you are trying to hide your attraction. Girls can sense when your body language and words do not match. 

If you are open and honest about your attraction you will be far more successful.

[Toby]

I would seek out places and groups that reflect your interests. Chances are higher that you find someone that matches you there than in some random place.

[Shin]

Don't search ...

Focus on your personal growth and your life purpose,

Girls are attracted to guys who have an amazing life by themself (according to their values) and who have big dreams they put BEFORE them.

 

As soon as you are in search mode, you'll always repulse a women, if not at the beginning, it will be some weeks/months after, when she will realized that you don't have any passion on your own ...

They don't want a relationship for the sake of having one, not really, they want to be the catalyst on what you pull your strenghts,they want to help you achieve your goals and dreams, and of course, they want you to do the same for them.

 

So don't think about relationships, think about what are you gonna do with your life, what drives you, make THAT your relationship.

Edited December 20, 2016 by Shin

[electroBeam]

@Shin sure i get you Shin, but I haven't searched in the past, and I still dont find anyone. Like Faraday and Issac Newton had very deep passions, but they still died as a virgin.

You still need to be exposed to women, and I struggle with that. I mean i find a few girls to be friends with, but girls that I want to potentially date, Ive only met 1 or 2 of them in all of my 19 years of life. 

And for me to gain experience and practice, I dont think finding 1 girl every 9 years is going to cut it lol.

[Shin]

11 hours ago, electroBeam said:

@Shin sure i get you Shin, but I haven't searched in the past, and I still dont find anyone. Like Faraday and Issac Newton had very deep passions, but they still died as a virgin.

You still need to be exposed to women, and I struggle with that. I mean i find a few girls to be friends with, but girls that I want to potentially date, Ive only met 1 or 2 of them in all of my 19 years of life. 

And for me to gain experience and practice, I dont think finding 1 girl every 9 years is going to cut it lol.

If the only thing you want is to gain experience, then use pickup, just watch yourself and don't become an ass while you're doing it ^^

When we talk about pickup, it's a sort of community in the US where you learn how to pickup girls (how to talk to her, how to be funny etc ...) with others members.

It's not online, you gather and have practical studies and "exercices".

If you don't live in the US, It could have a totally different name.

 

Edited December 21, 2016 by Shin

[stevegan928]

Leo calls these "open mindedness tests"

Quote

You will need the following items for this spell: 
 

1 pen 

1 piece of paper 

1 fire proof bowl 

1 lighter or box of matches or a candle flame.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Write down on the piece of paper all the qualities, be they physical or mental, spiritual, etc that you would like in a lover. (This spell is not to draw or trap some specific person. Please do indulge yourself but at the same time be realistic.)

When you have listed all the qualities that you would like your ideal lover to have, read what you have written, allow it to make you happy as if you already have this person in your life.

Fold up the piece of paper and burn it, placing it in the burning bowl to burn safely.

As you watch it burn visualize gold, red and pink energy coming from the smoke and flames going up into the universe to find and draw this person to you(of their own free will). When it has all burned out; sit in a relaxed state and imagine this person being with you and you both being happy, as if it is happening now, do this for at least five or ten minutes.

Take the burning bowl containing the ashes outside and sprinkle them, while doing this visualize red, pink and gold energy flowing from the ashes into the universe to further search and bring this person to you of their own free will.

I copied  all this from here: 

http://www.spellsofmagic.com/spells/love_spells/attraction_spells/8025/page.html

 

 

Edited December 21, 2016 by stevegan928

[Guest username]

I went through the same phase. Part of the problem is you're just being way too selective. You probably feel like you know what kind of girls you are into, but you actually don't due to your limited exposure. Your ideas of women are probably WAY off the reality. You don't know what they are like.

 

It doesn't feel that way, especially if you have female friends since women put on a different mask toward guys they don't sleep with. 

 

Also, have you read Leo's booklist books on dating and relationships?

 

You sound like a pretty selective, reclusive guy. That's not going to cut it. It's impossible to have selection with women without being socially experienced. Academic intellect counts for very little compared to social skills in that realm.

 

Edited December 21, 2016 by username

[electroBeam]

@username its true, I don't like socializing, I love solidarity 1000000x more than hanging out with friends(as fucked up as it sounds) and I've known for more than 6 years now, that that's a problem. BUT I do push myself to go to probably 4 social events per week, and network(add 10 people to my fb account per day) and maybe clubbing 2wice a month(I really don't like clubbing though  ) so I don't think my problem is being too reclusive, and while its not natural, I feel like im 'being' a very social person. but it feels very inauthentic, because I really don't like socializing, so that could be a problem too.

My problem is, whenever I go out with friends, its usually mostly guys I hang out with, or girls I already know. And for the social events such as volunteering conventions, etc, or maybe going to the mall, girls tend to not be thinking about going into a relationship or having sex; unlike what they are like at clubs and bars, at clubs and bars they kind of expect men to be wanting that stuff. So shifting the mood from whatever the event is, to say dating is difficult. 

And dating a friend's friend, or asking them out is kind of awkward, but that's not really a problem.

[Shin]

Dude, if a girl at a volunteering convention/charity, hobby group or whatever IS into you, she doesn't give a fuck where she is or what she's doing.

What is the difference if she's in a bar or a pet shelter ? It's even more intimate at a pet shelter because you could, for example, walking out the dogs together.

What can you do in a bar ? She's with his friends, I'm not even talking about clubs ...

 

The things is, for a girl to like you if she's doing her hobby, you need to have good social skills, you need to make her laugh, you need to NOT be needy (not searching for a relationship, for real), to be grounded (having a career/life calling), and you also needs to be AUTHENTIC.

You can attract a girl with just some of these qualities, but she won't stay with you in the long run if you don't take care of the rest, if she's a high quality women, that's just not gonna happen.

 

Don't force yourself to do social events or going out if you don't like it (at least not every week, and certainly not more than once a week), I really don't give a fuck about friendship or social activities myself, and I'm fine ^^

You seem to be a very introverted guy, there is nothing wrong with that, just embrace your difference, and don't listen to people who don't even know what introversion and extraversion means (for real).

Introversion doesn't mean you're shy or more anxious than more people, it just means that you need more time alone because social events drain you.

Now, of course, there is probably more introvert that are shy and anxious than extrovert, since it's not understood by the mass and people tend to think you're weird,

EVEN introverts people themself, because they are under their cultural paradigm.

I know that because I always thoughts I was doing something wrong, that I must have forgotten something to enjoy all these parties and nights out, but no, it's just that I don't care (most of the time).

 

Quote

I feel like im 'being' a very social person. but it feels very inauthentic, because I really don't like socializing, so that could be a problem too.

That is why you don't feel authentic, because you literally refuse to be who you really are.

You try to be an extrovert as an introvert, it just can't work.

 

Do these kinds of things to improve your social skills:

• Improv class
• Toastmasters
• Pickup
• Go to mall on weekends, chat up all the department store clerks
• Meetup.com
• Online dating
• Sports
• Join a commune or ashram
• Music festivals, Burning Man, etc.

 

And watch ALL of these videos, and take notes:

• How to make a girl fall in love with you
• Why women fall for assholes
• What women want in a man
• Masculinity vs Feminity
• How to get a girlfriend
• How to be attractive
• Relationship advices
• How to be a man
• How to be a man - Part 2

Edited December 21, 2016 by Shin

[electroBeam]

makes sense, thanks @Shin. Do you practice by going to clubs and bars, or can you practice anywhere? I know some people on here make the analogy that shopping centres are like playgrounds, while clubs and bars are like gyms.  What do you think

"Introversion doesn't mean you're shy or more anxious than more people, it just means that you need more time alone because social events drain you."

So true, just because you don't like hanging out with people too much, doesn't mean you have low self esteem, or that you have social anxiety. It just means you find it tiring and painful to be having conversations all day. 

Edited December 21, 2016 by electroBeam

[Shin]

I would suggest to improve your social skills/life first before trying to practice picking up girls.

It would be much more rewarding when you'll be a higher version of yourself searching for a very high quality women.

If you get a girlfriend now, and even if everything goes right, you won't try to improve yourself, you just won't,

And it's gonna backfire one way or another in your life.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Shin

[Radical Honesty]

@Shin  He could always try getting with girls without committing to a relationship.

[Radical Honesty]

16 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

makes sense, thanks @Shin. Do you practice by going to clubs and bars, or can you practice anywhere? I know some people on here make the analogy that shopping centres are like playgrounds, while clubs and bars are like gyms.  What do you think

"Introversion doesn't mean you're shy or more anxious than more people, it just means that you need more time alone because social events drain you."

So true, just because you don't like hanging out with people too much, doesn't mean you have low self esteem, or that you have social anxiety. It just means you find it tiring and painful to be having conversations all day. 

I agree with this. However social anxiety and low self-esteem magnify the draining effect of having conversations.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Radical Honesty

[Shin]

5 minutes ago, Radical Honesty said:

@Shin  He could always try getting with girls without committing to a relationship.

He seems too needy to be able to do that.

All the guys I know who can do that, are either huge assholes (with women), or confident guy with an amazing life and personality (it's quite rare).

Edited December 21, 2016 by Shin

[electroBeam]

Just now, Radical Honesty said:

I agree with this. However social anxiety and low self-esteem magnify the draining effect of having conversations.

it definitely does. But I discovered something recently. I've been working on my social skills for the last 4 years. And I've got pretty much everything down pat. I need to any way because I'm currently running 2 startups, which means i need a lot of connections. But the interesting thing I discovered, was that even stripping away all the Social Anxiety and the self esteem, I STILL enjoy solitude a lot more than hanging out with people. Even at the core, its still painful. And that's why I think the mantra "everyone is an extrovert" as Leo states is misguided. 

And i think others(maybe you and Shin) might be the same?

[Radical Honesty]

@electroBeam

I completely agree, I'm the same.

What drains me the most is idle chitchat. If we are talking about something meaty I have no problems.

[SFRL]

@electroBeam You really should throw your life around right now. You are living the lifestyle of a mega extrovert while you are an introvert. 

That is actually preventing you from being with girls because it's followers behavior. Also it's a huge waste of time. All that time wasted you could use to cultivate your true interests and strong points.

What you should do is make an online dating profile TODAY. You are on here online theorizing while you could take action. There are free sites out there like pof.com.

There you can talk to girls and set-up dates and get exposure to being with girls. Also you will get to be with them one on one and dating and sex are on the table because you met via a dating site after all.

The biggest thing to have succes with girls is: MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS KNOWN.

You want to have sex with her; TELL HER. You want a relationship with her; TELL her. Take no prisoners.  

Edited December 21, 2016 by STC

[Guest Annetta]

Hey dude, I was thinking... what if you made a few dating profiles and were honest about what you needed?  Said that you were a shy person without a lot of dating experience, and are just looking to practice having conversations with women with no strings attached?  Women like to feel valued and helpful, and being honest and vulnerable about what you're wanting to improve on from the start, you never know, that might draw in what you're looking for!  All the best!