Fixing myself.... (no comments please)

[Preety_India]

How am I supposed to grow? 

Everything can be so confusing. 

Yet I'm getting there. Learning gradually but whatever I'm learning is extremely powerful to me. 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Try not to focus on negativity. That makes a lot of things easier 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't think I can reconcile with my mother ever. 

I can't stand her selfishness. 

She pretends like she cares but she doesn't. 

I have seen her act selfish for years. 

She has not a drop of mercy. 

I think it's time for me to call it quits with her for good and simply move on and take care of myself. 

There's no point in thinking that things will be good with her. 

She is a big bully and an abuser. 

She will never change. 

She loves a sense of control, it gives her happiness 

But I wish to move on and away from her 

 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I feel like my mother has no humanity. 

That she can see me dying and yet she won't do anything about it

 

 

[Preety_India]

There's something that has gone wrong between my mom and my sibling. 

They both aren't talking to each other. 

And my sibling has started talking to me. 

But my sibling is constantly asking me whether my mother is complaining about this or not. 

I have absolutely no idea what is going on. 

I feel like I don't know what to do 

I feel weak, exhausted and tired. 

Been suffering from insomnia for weeks over this 

It feels like suicidal feelings are back after a long time. 

 

 

 

It's hard when your own family is so against you and is completely selfish. 

 

 

My mother took all my money last year 

It's just awful.

I so wish things could be better. 

 

[Preety_India]

I somehow can't explain the feeling I get when my mother is angry. 

It feels like absolute hell. 

People don't realize what narcissistic abuse looks like. 

I can't look into her eyes, it's awful. 

Her face gives me nightmares. 

She has murderous rage in her eyes to the point that she could literally kill me 

She even said at one point that she won't hesitate to kill me. 

She can be absolutely heartless and cold. That's the face of mental illness. 

 

Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. 

It is awful. 

I go into a dark self destructive mode 

 

I wish things were different. 

I wish my father never suffered the way he did.. 

My father's death is too heavy on me. 

I can't even think of it. The trauma from his death is severe. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I did the psychopath test.

And found that my primary psychopathy score is significantly low so I don't have any concerns in this area.. 

But my Secondary psychopathy score is a bit high, not too much but still high. 

I'm not surprised at all given my self harm tendencies, this was going to be high, I was expecting it. 

OK so today I tried to dig deeper into secondary psychopathy. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

So this is what I found on secondary psychopathy. 

 

Secondary psychopath

 

Secondary psychopaths are emotionally unstable, and although their traits are more associated with criminal behaviour, you're still likely to find them in the workplace. They’re rash, impulsive, emotional, anxious, hostile, aggressive and self-destructive. However, unlike the primary psychopath, they’re disorganised and associated with risky decision-making. 

 

They have the capacity to experience some degree of fear and remorse and to empathise effectively, but due to their emotional disturbance, these emotions are often covered up by their hostility and aggression.

 

Other subtypes include:

 

Distempered psychopath

 

They crave excitement and have a low tolerance for boredom, and are drawn to dangerous sports and activities.

 

This subtype of psychopaths are "hotheads", predominantly males, and are most likely to be aggressive and violent, frequently flying into rages. 

 

Egocentrically-impulsive psychopath

Bending the rules; manipulating and lying to gain personal benefit; unable to commit to long-term goals; and having a Machiavellian egocentricity – these are all characteristic of egocentrically-impulsive psychopaths.

They are narcissistic and see the world as a hostile place, and themselves as innocent victims of circumstances, which also means they tend to rationalise their aggressive behaviour and to blame others for their own problems or failures. It has been shown that there is a strong link between egocentrically-impulsive psychopathy and borderline personality disorder. 

 

I think I share some of these traits although not too high, but I'm a bit high on egocentric, impulsive behavior, rash, emotional, disorganized, anxious, emotional, self destructive and volatile. Also there's a slight Machiavellian part in me that doesn't want to take blame or deflect it. However this part is not huge and that's why I don't derive much benefit from it, it's like I need more Machiavellianism to be able to thrive successfully. Most of it falls short of basic survival expectations as a result the self harm is easily over compensated to a degree that's dangerous and it's not balanced by enough psychopathy and self preservation behavior. 

Also I found that empathy in me is huge,like boatloads. This is probably the result of suffering extensive trauma that I'm able to empathize with others pain and suffering. I easily respond to it in the most Empathetic ways. Although the trait of narcissism is significantly low in me since I don't tend to up myself over others. I tend to condemn a lot which is a part of INFJ-T personality and the need to secure Morality but this is not the same as egoic one upmanship, so the trait of narcissism is significantly low. Being an INFJ-T exclusively puts me at the risk of being exposed to narcissists on a fairly consistent level. My high empathy and high secondary psychopathy can tend to attract a lot of narcissists. This is a unique combination which is very attractive to narcissists. 

There's no point in trying to up my Secondary psychopathy traits as they don't serve me well. Also the distempered psychopath in me needs to take some rest. 

As to the "egocentric impulsive psychopath", this one needs to be improved on a bit so I get more Machiavellian while dealing with narcissists and cut my share for myself while cutting a deal with them, or else I end up getting nothing in the bargain or else if I'm not smart enough, I should simply stop dealing with narcissists because they do too much mind games that I can't handle so there's no win win because narcissists always like to win one way or another. 

 

 

Edited October 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

So this is what I found on secondary psychopathy. 

 

Secondary psychopath

 

Secondary psychopaths are emotionally unstable, and although their traits are more associated with criminal behaviour, you're still likely to find them in the workplace. They’re rash, impulsive, emotional, anxious, hostile, aggressive and self-destructive. However, unlike the primary psychopath, they’re disorganised and associated with risky decision-making. 

They have the capacity to experience some degree of fear and remorse and to empathise effectively, but due to their emotional disturbance, these emotions are often covered up by their hostility and aggression.

Other subtypes include:

Distempered psychopath

They crave excitement and have a low tolerance for boredom, and are drawn to dangerous sports and activities.

This subtype of psychopaths are "hotheads", predominantly males, and are most likely to be aggressive and violent, frequently flying into rages. 

Egocentrically-impulsive psychopath

Bending the rules; manipulating and lying to gain personal benefit; unable to commit to long-term goals; and having a Machiavellian egocentricity – these are all characteristic of egocentrically-impulsive psychopaths.

They are narcissistic and see the world as a hostile place, and themselves as innocent victims of circumstances, which also means they tend to rationalise their aggressive behaviour and to blame others for their own problems or failures. It has been shown that there is a strong link between egocentrically-impulsive psychopathy and borderline personality disorder. 

 

I think I share some of these traits although not too high, but I'm a bit high on egocentric, impulsive behavior, rash, emotional, disorganized, anxious, emotional, self destructive and volatile. Also there's a slight Machiavellian part in me that doesn't want to take blame or deflect it. However this part is not huge and that's why I don't derive much benefit from it, it's like I need more Machiavellianism to be able to thrive successfully. Most of it falls short of basic survival expectations as a result the self harm is easily over compensated to a degree that's dangerous and it's not balanced by enough psychopathy and self preservation behavior. 

Also I found that empathy in me is huge,like boatloads. This is probably the result of suffering extensive trauma that I'm able to empathize with others pain and suffering. I easily respond to it in the most Empathetic ways. Although the trait of narcissism is significantly low in me since I don't tend to up myself over others. I tend to condemn a lot which is a part of INFJ-T personality and the need to secure Morality but this is not the same as egoic one upmanship, so the trait of narcissism is significantly low. Being an INFJ-T exclusively puts me at the risk of being exposed to narcissists on a fairly consistent level. My high empathy and high secondary psychopathy can tend to attract a lot of narcissists. This is a unique combination which is very attractive to narcissists. 

There's no point in trying to up my Secondary psychopathy traits as they don't serve me well. Also the distempered psychopath in me needs to take some rest. 

As to the "egocentric impulsive psychopath", this one needs to be improved on a bit so I get more Machiavellian while dealing with narcissists and cut my share for myself while cutting a deal with them, or else I end up getting nothing in the bargain or else if I'm not smart enough, I should simply stop dealing with narcissists because they do too much mind games that I can't handle so there's no win win because narcissists always like to win one way or another. 

[Preety_India]

 

This feels like I'm sitting on a rock and watching something. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know. Looking at this makes me peaceful 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

First people used to call me a narcissist and now they call me a psychopath. 

 

I'm laughing. Can't get anymore cringey than this. 

 

[Preety_India]

I love these nature pics. Make me so peaceful and chill

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I genuinely do not want any attention and do not ask for it. In fact it's helpful when nobody pays me attention because attention doesn't serve me any good purpose. I like to be alone and be by myself. This is my Introversion. I don't like being extroverted. Although extroverts tend to fascinate me and they complement my Introversion, I myself will never be an extrovert. I will always stay this way. I don't look for attention. It's the last thing on my mind. So I feel very troubled when anyone thinks or says that I want attention. Far from the truth. 

Most often I'm blissfully unaware that people are giving me attention and this helps with journaling because it has a unique advantage of feeling I'm letting out (not talking to a wall) yet I don't feel like I am in public, I would literally be scared to be in public. So this is the right set up where I feel like I'm not too open or public, mostly anonymous because people don't know my real identity (there are a million people with my name) and this anonymity combined with being able to open up publicly (although I like the public aspect because it makes me less lonely yet I don't like the attention aspect because it makes me drained and targeted but I don't find a problem with expressing in public as long as I am not being judged or threatened. Also keeping some stuff in public gives me a sense of security, keeping everything private constantly makes me feel anxious, like what if I die and nobody knew my story, not even one person. That sort of anonymity gets me scared and nervous though I tend to enjoy solitude and introversion, I wouldn't want an "island jail" type of isolation, that would scare the shit out of me.) 

People have this usual misunderstanding that if you're writing in public then somehow you're seeking attention. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Just enjoying nature pics. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I feel much better now.

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Marcel

Hun I love these sounds. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

I did the psychopath test.

And found that my primary psychopathy score is significantly low so I don't have any concerns in this area.. 

But my Secondary psychopathy score is a bit high, not too much but still high. 

I'm not surprised at all given my self harm tendencies, this was going to be high, I was expecting it. 

OK so today I tried to dig deeper into secondary psychopathy.