Is a man not interested in me if he doesn't ask me any questions in return?

[Leo Gura]

39 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Such as?

In general the male attitude towards sex is as follows: have sex first, then decide if she's worth keeping around. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't.

Obviously females don't like this attitude, but I'm just sharing how guys think about this stuff.

GF-material will be determined by how hot the girl is, the quality of the sex, the personality of the girl, and other indicators of her value. Basically, the higher her overall value the better the chance of being kept around. Honestly, the most important factor for guys is physical appearance.

Your overall value is not meaningfully changed by flirting with a guy.

As the female, your strategy is to get the guy to invest in you before sex. Because you are concerned he may otherwise just ditch you. I get that. You want him to invest in you before you invest in him. That's your game. Which is why you resist flirting with him.

But what I'm saying is, you can flirt with him, and then still play the game of getting him to invest in you. I am not telling you to just spread your legs for him.

[Hello from Russia]

Sounds like shaming parents issues

[Etherial Cat]

22 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Btw what do I do after our first meeting in person? Do I send him a message or wait for him to do that? (I'm ruminating in advance lol) 

I'd suggest you not to think too much ahead . This is a decision that should be made as things unfolds and more context precise what should be done.

But in this situation I'd see two ways. 1) Dropping your romantic expectations if no clear signs on interest or investment are given on his side IF you are sincerely up for having him as a friend. 2) Call it quit.

You want to see this guy start taking the lead and invest in the relation with his time, care and effort. If you've got to keep nudging him to come to you after you've reached him on social media + initiated conversations + made most of talks+ took the lead for hanging around + got all flirty, and he's still not even reaching out with a text afterwards... Something is off. I'd move my focus elsewhere until he shows reciprocity.

[Etherial Cat]

34 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

As the female, your strategy is to get the guy to invest in you before sex. Because you are concerned he may otherwise just ditch you. I get that. You want him to invest in you before you invest in him. That's your game. Which is why you resist flirting with him.

The waiting before sex thing has more to do with assessing compatibility and health before putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Whether it is physically, emotionally, socially..

And at this point it has little to do with a seduction strategy, because before several interactions usually you don't even know if you are interested. 

Seeing this as a power move or game consciously played on men is not so much the right lens. Sure, some women will do that. But in general, it's nothing malicious. The want is just not fully there yet.

Edited October 25, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Leo Gura]

28 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

The waiting before sex thing has more to do with assessing compatibility and health before putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Whether it is physically, emotionally, socially..

And at this point it has little to do with a seduction strategy, because before several interactions usually you don't even know if you are interested. 

Seeing this as a power move or game consciously played on men is not so much the right lens. Sure, some women will do that. But in general, it's nothing malicious. The want is just not fully there yet.

Obviously it's not malicious or even conscious. The reproductive desires are finely tuned to automatically ensure that you are selecting for the highest quality mates you can get. And the female's reproductive agenda is one which needs the male to stick around.

You girls are not playing games consciously, but you're playing huge games unconsciously with all the obstacles you erect for reproduction.

You "not feeling it" IS your game! Your emotional system is there to drive your survival, not to make you feel good. It's an endless vicious cycle of survival.

Your feelings are definitely power moves. But this system is so deep that you're not even aware you're doing it. It is doing you.

The reason guys play games it because girls play games. And the reason girls play games is because guys play games.

Every single sexual or romantic feeling you have exists to maximize your survival. Why else would it exist? It's all highly functional despite how it feels. It is so functional that it cannot be entrusted to your conscious mind. Just like the beating of your heart cannot be entrusted to your conscious mind, otherwise you would have killed yourself a long time ago.

Attraction is too important to be made conscious to your ego-mind.

[Etherial Cat]

22 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Obviously it's not malicious or even conscious. The reproductive desires are finely tuned to automatically ensure that you are selecting for the highest quality mates you can get. And the female's reproductive agenda is one which needs the male to stick around.

You girls are not playing games consciously, but you're playing huge games unconsciously with all the obstacles you erect for reproduction.

You "not feeling it" IS your game! Your emotional system is there to drive your survival, not to make you feel good. It's an endless vicious cycle of survival.

Your feelings are definitely power moves. But this system is so deep that you're not even aware you're doing it. It is doing you.

The reason guys play games it because girls play games. And the reason girls play games is because guys play games.

We are hard wired for a multi-level form of attraction because sex is only one aspect of a relationship. For us, sex is more of a culmination point. That's how we are designed as female, as you say. 

We also certainly engage into sorting out the highest quality mates we can get, but assigning this value is a mix both of objective and subjective factors. And the subjective factors is where one has got margin to bring up awareness and more conscious dating, out of what is imposed to us by nature.

Our experience as human is limited and thus conditional by default because reality enforces on us standards we have to cope with. Which means we can't give our time and ressources away to everybody. This is why the objective factors can't be ignored.

Whether you want to call these aspects "game" or not is up to you, but I dislike this wording due to the pre-existing lingo which ties it to sheer seduction. So I think it brings potentially a lot of confusion here. There are two notions here, survival and "game". And while game is survival, survival and game aren't the same thing.

Also... I don't get why it is so outlandish to want a man to stick around. Ideally, isn't this also what you are also looking for? 

The two survival drives are more synergetic than two distinct and conflicting agendas over the long run. It's about finding out to reconciliate them, not making it a zero sum game.

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Ineedanswers]

13 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Honestly, the most important factor for guys is physical appearance.

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Ineedanswers

[Girzo]

@Ineedanswers Search for a guy that doesn't care that much about looks. There are quite a few. It's super good that you have already put your efforts into looking good, you possibly even overdo it at this point (that's all good). You can get a hot boyfriend even when you don't have the looks. It's important but not a single deciding factor. There are no hard rules in dating, other than meeting lots of people. Lots of, lots of people.

 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Girzo

[TheSomeBody]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

In general the male attitude towards sex is as follows: have sex first, then decide if she's worth keeping around. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't.

Obviously females don't like this attitude, but I'm just sharing how guys think about this stuff.

GF-material will be determined by how hot the girl is, the quality of the sex, the personality of the girl, and other indicators of her value. Basically, the higher her overall value the better the chance of being kept around. Honestly, the most important factor for guys is physical appearance.

Your overall value is not meaningfully changed by flirting with a guy.

As the female, your strategy is to get the guy to invest in you before sex. Because you are concerned he may otherwise just ditch you. I get that. You want him to invest in you before you invest in him. That's your game. Which is why you resist flirting with him.

But what I'm saying is, you can flirt with him, and then still play the game of getting him to invest in you. I am not telling you to just spread your legs for him.

i cant agree that the physical appearance is the most important, i think that it depends on what the guy wants, if he wants sex so probably you are right but if he wants a girlfriend personalty is huge, for me when i want a girlfriend personality can change a ok girl to an amazing one . even if i have small physical attraction it can change my mind 

[kamwalker]

52 minutes ago, Ineedanswers said:

So you agree with kevin samuels:(.he also says that the most important factor for a high value guy is a girls physical appearance and that character etc is secondary. Any advice for a girl who is just not physically attractive even though she puts alot of effort into her looks(working out 7 days week/invests in makeup/clothes)? how do you manage resentment towards the girls who wake up looking like rihanna/charlize theron when you see guys falling head over heels for them and not even looking at you?its so unfair! Eg-yes in highschool the goodlookinh guys were popular but good male sportsman’s/students were popular as well.however when it comes to girls the only popular girls were the prettiest.it seems like no one really cares about girls who aren’t pretty

Looks matter but it’s so subjective. There’s no blue print for how a woman needs to look to be good looking. I find women with very little or no makeup attractive. That’s just what I’ve noticed throughout my life. I remember one girl saying she couldn’t understand my taste in women, saying the girls I’m attracted to are very “plain”. I would actually weight personality and physical attraction equally for me. She doesn’t need to be some bombshell that makes all my guy friends compliment me, she just needs to be attractive enough to me. But I have friends who are a bit insecure and not only want to find their girl attractive, but they want to make sure others do too. 

[somegirl]

Okay, I asked him out, he accepted the invite. He suggested we meet on the weekend.

[Nos7algiK]

15 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Okay, I asked him out, he accepted the invite. He suggested we meet on the weekend.

Well done and have fun on your date.

[somegirl]

9 minutes ago, Nos7algiK said:

Well done and have fun on your date.

Thanks so much! 
I'm just not sure if he takes this as a date, or regular meet-up with a stranger he wants to get to know lol. I don't know what's in his head.

[Shin]

3 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Thanks so much! 
I'm just not sure if he takes this as a date, or regular meet-up with a stranger he wants to get to know lol. I don't know what's in his head.

Flirt and you'll know in less than 15 minutes  

[somegirl]

@Shin Omg is he that clueless? Even when I ask him out, he might not get my intent, unless I explicitly flirt?

Edited October 25, 2021 by somegirl

[Etherial Cat]

36 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Okay, I asked him out, he accepted the invite. He suggested we meet on the weekend.

!

Sounds good! Keep us updated. 

[Karmadhi]

@somegirl Suggest him to sit on a sofa or somewhere next to each other.  Then give him a compliment and get close to him slowly. You can even put your head on his shoulder. These should be enough signals for him to want to kiss you. If he doesnt then either stop talking to him or kiss him yourself. A friend of mine was with a girl and lacked the ballz to kiss her, she was the one that kissed him. Then they started dating and were happy. 

Normally the guy should kiss the girl but a lot of them are scared of it and do not do it. It is more likely for a guy to accept a kiss from a girl than the opposite so trying to kiss a guy is almost guaranteed success. Most of them do not need to be warmed up and feel comfortable and shit like you girls do. I would be the exception but most guys would kiss you the second they see your face if they are into you.

Edited October 25, 2021 by Karmadhi

[somegirl]

38 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

!

Sounds good! Keep us updated. 

Aw thanks! Will do.

Edited October 25, 2021 by somegirl

[somegirl]

58 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

Suggest him to sit on a sofa or somewhere next to each other.  Then give him a compliment and get close to him slowly. You can even put your head on his shoulder. These should be enough signals for him to want to kiss you. If he doesnt then either stop talking to him or kiss him yourself. A friend of mine was with a girl and lacked the ballz to kiss her, she was the one that kissed him. Then they started dating and were happy. 

Normally the guy should kiss the girl but a lot of them are scared of it and do not do it. It is more likely for a guy to accept a kiss from a girl than the opposite so trying to kiss a guy is almost guaranteed success. Most of them do not need to be warmed up and feel comfortable and shit like you girls do. I would be the exception but most guys would kiss you the second they see your face if they are into you.

If we go to one coffeeshop I want, there are sofas so this could be possible. We both have covid vaccine "pass" (new measure in my country) so we can stay in coffeeshops, unlike others who have not been vaccinated, so that's good lol.

But though, I will see if I will kiss him on the first "date". I might not kiss him yet. Maybe we will just talk. But will see, will see. 

Edited October 25, 2021 by somegirl

[Shin]

46 minutes ago, somegirl said:

@Shin Omg is he that clueless? Even when I ask him out, he might not get my intent, unless I explicitly flirt?

You had to ask him out.

Do I need to say more ?