Suffering. Feeling sad and bitter. Getting better seems out of reach

[Peelingthelayers]

Hello people, im seeking some advice.

 

My "story" shortly: 3 years ago i went through a breakup with a really unique woman. Top shelf on most parameters. I was very attached to her family aswell. We started hanging out with some older, more "cool" people (we were 23-24 at the end), and i started to feel less worthy and insecure at the time, and she wanted something different and it ended. She started hanging out with the "cool" people, and boyfriended one of them quickly. He seems like a nice guy, and have the traits i dont have. More extroverted and unfiltered in speech for example. 

After that (3years ago) i got into self-help and spirituality. I wanted to fix my low self-esteem and insecurity around people, and prove myself. Read alot of books from the booklist, did ayahuasca a few times, and have meditated for soon the last 2 years. I have been quite busy studying, and trying to improve myself.

 

I feel like i have improved in many ways, and i try to take responsibility for all feelings in my experience, but there are some that just seem to not go away, and right now it makes me feel very lost and hopeless.

I still cant seem to drop my ex and her boyfriend. I often picture myself showing off in a transformed fashion in front of them. I happens quite spontanously, and i am very aware of it, and i try to never give it energy, but it keeps arising, especially if i am not paying attention. I rarely really enjoy myself with my friends or family socially, it happens, but there is always some sense of wanting something else nagging me. Not feeling at ease, and feeling like im very serious. Some ideal of mine is to transform and become more outgoing and at ease socially.

I just did a 2 week workshop, going through alot of personal stuff, and being honest about my jealousy and wanting to be superior to her, but it seems like i cant get this whole matrix out of my system. 

All i really want is to accept them and be happy for them and not want feel the need to show myself different in any way, and be able to be happy with myself and the way i am doing my life. The problem is that alot of the things i like and do, i feel is somehow connected to her (music, self-help), so it seems never-ending.

I dont know if this gives any thoughts, otherwise i will gladly explain further.

 

[BlackMaze]

Shamanic breathing. It's unbelievable how good this worked for me. Give it 4-5 tries. 

[Peelingthelayers]

6 minutes ago, BlackMaze said:

Shamanic breathing. It's unbelievable how good this worked for me. Give it 4-5 tries. 

I will try it. Is this the real deal? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi9MMvuRRFY&ab_channel=TAKEADEEPBREATH

[BlackMaze]

45 minutes ago, Peelingthelayers said:

I will try it. Is this the real deal? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi9MMvuRRFY&ab_channel=TAKEADEEPBREATH

I just watched Leo's video for instructions, headphones and listened to this https://youtu.be/ivCOrc1HWxI or similar music. No breath holds. Just do it for as long you can. Everything becomes very tingly after a while. Visuals may come. It's a very intense emotional releasing. I think the most time i did it was around 30-40 minutes. Maybe 15' are also enough. Be sure that you are alone and noone will interrupt you. Stop when you want to stop and don't try to reach a certain time limit. Just let loose and experience it. If nothing happens try again another time. 

[Peelingthelayers]

@BlackMaze I tried the one i linked you. It was super uncomf, but after the last time i started to laugh out loud and feeling super relaxed. I will experiment more with this for sure. Thank you!

[BlackMaze]

@Peelingthelayers great! 

[Cathal]

https://breathworkonline.com/try-a-free-online-breathwork-session/ might be nice, i had one intense experience i'll never forget