Your partner's sexual past, how do you feel about it?

[Nos7algiK]

When I was much younger with other partners in life I had a jealousy issue towards things like this. It was a question I would ask and would make judgements against them. Sometimes even use it against them if we were arguing. I wouldn't say I ever was truly horrible about it, but my insecurities leaked out. This was all prior to using psychedelics, but after everything changed.

With my current partner I do not care at all. I don't ask questions unless the topic is brought up and even those questions aren't out of jealously, but just curiosity and I know my partner likes when questions are asked to open new avenues of communication. Sympathy/empathy is given if some of the experiences that are shared happen to be a negative experience. Other than that someone else's past is not going to dictate my present emotions. But, it is a lens of understanding that can help both of us navigate her self structure. 

I'm a firm believer it is important to give others the space to be themselves and express who they are or who they use to be without holding judgements towards them. I'm not saying be a robot, no emotions, towards all of this. Obviously we can still hold opinions towards it. Just harsh criticisms or becoming jealous ourselves isn't going to help anyone.

If one believes they won't be able to handle the news then it's best not to ask. Though, mostly likely the only way someone will ever get over hearing this news is to put themselves in the uncomfortable situation and realize it's not as bad as the mind perceives it to be.

Edited October 20, 2021 by Nos7algiK

[Recursoinominado]

I don't care and i don't ask, let the past be the past.

[LordFall]

5 hours ago, Lyubov said:

For any of you in a long term relationship, especially the guys, how does your partner's sexual past make you feel?

I find myself feeling a little jealous sometimes about my partner's past but also curious. I'm quite aware of the beliefs behind it so I'm of course careful not to be judgmental. I'm aware that it stings something inside of me and is a pointer for growth and more self understanding, love and an expansion of my belief system. 

"You can't have your cake and eat it" You can't have your woman one way and also expect her to be another way when they contradict. It feels like a lie to chase this and wouldn't be right. For instance I am NOT into this sort of "good, conservative, boring girl" type. They are just so boring to me and I never feel any spark with them. I've always fallen hard for club chicks. They are so much fun and I always feel I have the best kind of sex with such women, filled with passion and openness to explore. But at the same time I have to accept the fact I've probably not been the first guy to have this fun with her. I'm hesitant to ask my partner how many other guys they have been with cause the answer may be harder for me to stomach than I realize 

Have any of you ever felt the same? How do you feel about your partner's sexual past? Does it bother you in any way and for any reason? 

It's hard not to feel jealous if your sexual experience doesn't compare to hers. That's why I find it hard to see how a man could settle down without fully satiating his sexual appetite. If you commit to this lifestyle enough then most of the things any club girl has done will pale in comparison to your experiences so instead of being jealous you'll understand where she's coming from.

Most of the girls I meet have fewer sexual experiences than I do so all the judgement goes out the window really. Most people tell you to get hypothetical abundance and get over it, I think that's nonsense. If you've been with 5 girls and your girlfriend has slept with 20+ people that's gonna bother you for sure and you can't think your way out of it. 

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Nothing is gained but awkward shit can surface. Why kick that hornet's nest?

You shouldn't even care to know. Let the past go.

My rule is: I don't want to hear about your ex-s and what you did with them. I don't want to fill my mind with garbage.

Do not drag old relationships into the present one. Make a clean slate.

I'll disagree with this one. You should fully own your woman and her past and fully not judge her for all the sexual escapades she's had, even appreciate her for it. If you can stomach that then the level of trust, openness and freakiness that you will unlock in her will shake the heavens itself and you'll unlock heaven for your own sex life  

To fully appreciate your woman you have to be okay with the fact that she's interacted with many other penises before yours and not run away from that fact. Most men subconsciously(or very consciously probably) judge all women for sucking dick/getting fucked. As long as you do that you will never truly bond and connect with your girl as you'll always look down on her. 

It's kinda like how women want men to be vulnerable and in touch with their emotions but will judge them for it. You want a slut but every time she sucks your dick you judge her for it. Humans always hate the things that will make them most happy, a strange loop indeed. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by LordFall

[Bando]

Its not really the number but the person as well, you need a holistic view when it comes down to this. Whats her relationship to her father?, how did her last relationship end?, whats her view on male/female dynamics?, how does she react when things don't go her way?, does she go out clubbing often?, what are her friends like?, what are her trama's?, how did you court her?, whats the type of vibe she gives off?

There's no point in straight up asking what her count as she will most likely lie but if you start getting the feeling that she's not gf material you should probably bring up your concerns and see how she responds or just keep it casual nothing serious. 

You also have to take into consideration your insecurities and limiting beliefs. If you have very little experience with woman any number she gives is going to make you insecure. 

Most women actually dont sleep around as much as you would expect. Don't want to sound like the redpill guy but most women aren't built mentally or biologically to sleep with many men. Women who sleep around usually have a trauma there trying to overcome with casual sex which never works and actually reinforces limiting beliefs. Anything higher than 25+ is a red flag for me personally 

[hoodrow trillson]

If you've been dating/fucking enough women, as a man--you'll easily pick up the cues to tell if she's been a slut in her past or if she's a goody-goody without bringing it up.

Personally, I'd rather not date somebody that has been giving her hole away to everyone like a candy.  I've had friends that dated known sluts, unbeknownst to them.  Everybody would snicker around them and people who previously fucked her would also still be in her life and the guy would never know.  "He's a long time friend!"   What are you gonna do, control her life to avoid these people that already dicked her down silly?  LOL.

 

Edited October 20, 2021 by hoodrow trillson

[Lyubov]

5 hours ago, LordFall said:

It's hard not to feel jealous if your sexual experience doesn't compare to hers. That's why I find it hard to see how a man could settle down without fully satiating his sexual appetite. If you commit to this lifestyle enough then most of the things any club girl has done will pale in comparison to your experiences so instead of being jealous you'll understand where she's coming from.

Most of the girls I meet have fewer sexual experiences than I do so all the judgement goes out the window really. Most people tell you to get hypothetical abundance and get over it, I think that's nonsense. If you've been with 5 girls and your girlfriend has slept with 20+ people that's gonna bother you for sure and you can't think your way out of it.  

Yeah, I agree it is tricky and sometimes this itch just needs to be scratched. At the same time I’ve met guys who just continue to scratch it non stop. They are fucking tons of new women regularly and it’s very shallow and they are missing the invaluable gifts that lie deeper. I’ve satisfied mine quite a bit but I’m not sure it can ever fully be satisfied through volume so I’m more careful now going down this path. Maybe it’s possible? My friend in his 40s has a kid and has been around the bush a ton and it still doesn’t seem satisfied for him. I’m still in the process of uncovering all the beliefs behind why this topic is so touchy for me and other people, why the number matters, etc. for some it doesn’t bother them at all, others marginally and some it ruins their relationship. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by Lyubov

[TK2021]

@Leo Gura@Recursoinominado

I thought this forum was for facing the truth and searching for it earnestly. Not ignoring it. You cannot ignore her past if you are to become truly intimate. How can you feel intimacy towards what you are wilfully ignorant about? You're just "in love" with an illusion. And not a very good one at that. Just scratch a little and it's gone. Sure if you want a superficial relationship, then illusions are okay. But if you want a monogamous, dedicated, till death do us apart type of relationship, this is silly. And the very depths of human to human connection will be closed off.

@Lyubov @Valach @decentralized@kamwalker

When there are "stings inside" of you, it is your gut telling you that something is not right in a survival sense. You don't want the closest person in your life to be causing you physical and mental pain.

You fellas think it's insecurity? The reason why men have this reaction is because it's embedded within male nature. If you have a sexually promiscuous partner, that is a humongous threat to the survival of your genes. I know it's difficult to accept that a woman's relationship value is lowered just because they had more sexual partners, no one wants to think of themselves as damaged goods. However, this still doesn't change the nature of men and what men find attractive or repulsive. It's not something that can be overcome by logic. Just like your attraction towards tits and asses.

The revulsion towards her past becomes better over time if she's very generous towards you sexually. She can't really refuse sex without being disrespectful. When a woman fucks around with her dignity, she will have to be accountable for it. She will have to redeem herself. Just like a man. So, if she refuses sex from you, and has been having sex with many guys, and guys she barely knows, it is like a man being some silly beta loser and spending money on women she barely knows, then refusing to do it in abundance for his partner. That would be really insulting - and rightly she will expect that you treat her, the one and only, better.

Also, I'm not sure if you can even have a healthy sense of pride if you're dedicating your life to a girl who thinks you are second best sexually. Or 20th best. Now how can you know for sure about where you stand? I have some morally questionable ways to execute this, but I'm tentative of sharing that publicly, since it will mostly be used for bad purposes and rationalized as good.

[Gianna]

18 hours ago, Valach said:

Anyone's advice, who struggled with this and got over it would be appriciated.

I love your honesty and awareness in your post! I would try to think about her past experiences like this: the last kind of person you want is someone with little sexual experience. These are the people who are still curious, who still have erotic desires, who will leave a committed relationship because they are 'not done being single.' 

Try to reframe your opinion towards her past to a positive one– that the experience she accumulated is what keeps your relationship safe. She– unlike other people– was actually single when she was single. She lived it out, she got it out of her system, and now she knows what she wants. She's safe. You, on the other hand, have this unlived past. If an erotic and tempting girl comes and throws herself on you, would you be tempted? Maybe not. But the point is, who do you think would have more constraint in a situation like this one? Someone who has lived out those realities and now sees through them, or a person who is still more curious and pent-up? You know what I mean? Haha. Perhaps you are the dangerous one  

[zazen]

@TK2021 You get it man. 

 

Past behaviour is generally a predictor of present/future behaviour. Of course, people shouldn't be shamed or judged for their past as we all carry the past with us, but its good to know about past patterns if you wish to assess your future compatibility with your partner. If the past is discussed, its because they/you see you in their future. You have to see your partner for who they are now and today, and if their were red flags, or toxic behaviours in the past that wouldn't jive well with you, you have to see if they are conducting them self in that way currently or working/open to address it. Forgive the past, but also don't accept bad behaviour in the present that isn't conducive for a relationship. A red flag isn't a hard no to a person, just a signal to be aware of. 

 

Jealousy is a natural instinct, so don't be hard on yourself or let people make you feel bad about it. Jealousy originates generally in women from insecurity (to secure their partner for long term safety/paternity/provisioning) and for men for paternity (to know the kids are his and his resources etc are going to his genetic lineage), thats why mate guarding is a thing. Of course, how this jealousy instinct is played out are acted upon can be an issue and cause toxic behaviour. In the past women would be killed for cheating including the one they cheated with, which is a toxic barbaric reaction, and why harems would be protected from other men. The opposite reaction of weakness is to disown the instinct and put up with bad behaviour a women currently shows in the present, and allowing yourself and self esteem as a man to be disrespected in a relationship to appease your partner. This only builds resentment and a low sense of self woth (ie letting your partner go out with past ex's too much, messaging lots of people of the opposite sex etc). A woman and man should have boundaries in a relationship to ensure the health of the relationship or its no relationship at all. 

 

In the current day, a mans jealousy instinct is in over drive, due to women having a past (usually more experience than men except the player jerk types who bed a lot of women), also due to us being in an environment or having global sexual access via internet tied in with no stigma against sleeping with people causally , adding social media into the mix where women/men can have hundreds of followers. It is something men of today have to contend with and not what our brains are evolved for. For relationships to work in the modern day both parties have to protect themselves from over stimulating these instincts in un healthy ways sabotaging the relationship and having boundaries to protect their relationship and commitment with each other. If they aren't open to that, it shows either lack of understanding (which you can explain to them) or that they wish to keep their options open if they don't see you as their best option in which case its better to move on.

 

Modern day relationships are a lot of work to maintain and more awareness of our own nature and the modern environment is needed to navigate it. Understanding men/women's nature isn't so we can be bitter or angry towards them, but so we can accept each other for what we are and love each other despite it, by having empathy. 

 

 

Edited October 21, 2021 by zazen

[zazen]

15 hours ago, Bando said:

Its not really the number but the person as well, you need a holistic view when it comes down to this. Whats her relationship to her father?, how did her last relationship end?, whats her view on male/female dynamics?, how does she react when things don't go her way?, does she go out clubbing often?, what are her friends like?, what are her trama's?, how did you court her?, whats the type of vibe she gives off?

There's no point in straight up asking what her count as she will most likely lie but if you start getting the feeling that she's not gf material you should probably bring up your concerns and see how she responds or just keep it casual nothing serious. 

You also have to take into consideration your insecurities and limiting beliefs. If you have very little experience with woman any number she gives is going to make you insecure. 

Most women actually dont sleep around as much as you would expect. Don't want to sound like the redpill guy but most women aren't built mentally or biologically to sleep with many men. Women who sleep around usually have a trauma there trying to overcome with casual sex which never works and actually reinforces limiting beliefs. Anything higher than 25+ is a red flag for me personally 

Bando is right, its not just about the number of partners but everything in her life experience which could impact her psychology and current/future behaviour. It's not necessarily in their biology to sleep with many men, yet the current environment/conditioning/women's empowerment/women are equal to men and can do what men can do (equating and conflating equality under the law with equality in our biological make up) has a lot of women doing exactly that. Also, a lot of bad parenting / high divorce rates are causing un healthy coping patterns in the current generations. 

 

To show the complexity of each individual think about this. It can be that a virgin who was restricted by her parents, once out the clutches of her parents and with her first husband retaliates against the resentment of not having freedom in her youth and now wanting to explore it as she has more freedoms living with her husband or post divorce / having fomo seeing other girls/guys her age enjoying their freedom. Daddy issues don't just stem from father absence but also tyrannical presence. Another scenario can be a woman who has slept with a lot of people but who is working on herself and realised what she likes/wants won't have any regrets of missed experiences. Another question is if you are her best and she knows it. She could have been with 20 terrible men in the sense they were not as attractive/actualised as you and you just blow her away sexually/mentally/emotionally etc and so she's happy to be and stick with you as you've had the most impact on her emotionally than any of the many other guys in her past. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by zazen

[gettoefl]

the talk i wanna have is with people who consider high body counts a sign of sluttiness/studliness

we all needed training wheels to get where we are

and now i am top of the list and proud to be so

if you are uncomfortable with my history we may well have some work to do and we might not be the ones after all

Edited October 21, 2021 by gettoefl

[mandyjw]

I heard that he traveled through his Mom's vagina to even get here in the first place. Ew. We don't talk about that. 

[Etherial Cat]

That's mostly ego + the whore madonna complex coming together.

The ego compares itself to other men/women on a constant basis and project it's insecurities on them at the first chance.

It does this already in daily life but it is particularly difficult when it does this in relation to the person it "loves" (it deserves the " in this context cause that's just ego).

In a nutshell, you want this person to be all yours and hate any conceptual threats going against this idea, whether it is past, future or just imagination.

To the ego, previous lovers possessing the "beloved" cheapens how special one must be to be with this person. So in this context, the ego doesn't feel exceptional anymore. 

Plus it also change how high value she/he is in the ego's eyes. If many had what you had, then how is she/he not just something easy to get? 

Then, it also increases the chance of the lover actually enjoying someone else better than you which feels wounding. Because the ego wants to be the best, the most admired, the most coveted, yada yada. That's named jealousy.

...

I still do feel jealousy nowadays but it's more of a distant background feeling than something having control on my decision/affecting my relationships.

Also for me it's not so much on the sexual level. It's more being envious of other women who got his heart.

The jealousy is mostly about the good time spent together and intrusive thoughts of intense passionate/intimate sex (cause I wish it all for myself ?). 

But I recognize it for what it is and I am glad the person I love had experiences before. 

[TK2021]

@zazen Thank you for your voice of reason.

 

@lxlichael@mandyjw@Etherial Cat

Again, it's not about some insecurity you just gotta swallow down and ignore. No matter how much you have been brainwashed to think so. It is something very hard to accept and work with though. That's why many people just repress the subject or play hilarious mind games to rationalize it.

 

 

6 hours ago, Gianna said:

Try to reframe your opinion towards her past to a positive one– that the experience she accumulated is what keeps your relationship safe. She– unlike other people– was actually single when she was single. She lived it out, she got it out of her system, and now she knows what she wants. She's safe.

Gianna, Here are some studies I very quickly gathered that point to the exact opposite of what you are saying. Take them for what you will:

Approximately half of women in the top quintiles of sociosexuality had been sexually unfaithful to a steady partner; this was more than a tenfold increase over the corresponding rate for people in the bottom quintiles.

Bailey, J. M., Kirk, K. M., Zhu, G., Dunne, M. P., & Martin, N. G. (2000). Do individual differences in sociosexuality represent genetic or environmentally contingent strategies? Evidence from the Australian twin registry. Journal of personality and social psychology, 78(3), 537–545. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.78.3.537

X

In illustration of this, the odds ratio of 1.13 for lifetime sexual partners obtained with the face-to-face mode of interview indicates that the probability of infidelity increased by 13% for every additional lifetime sexual partner,

screenshot

Regarding the correlates of infidelity, results indicated that on the basis of both methods of assessment, the probability of sexual infidelity increased with higher number of lifetime sexual partners

Whisman, M. A., & Snyder, D. K. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 147–154. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.2.147

X

Our findings demonstrate that infidelity and number of sexual partners are both under moderate genetic influence (41% and 38% heritable, respectively) and the genetic correlation between these two traits is strong (47%). The resulting genetic correlation between the two traits was .47, so nearly half the genes impacting on infidelity also affect number of sexual partners. The correlation of the unique environment between the two variables was .48.

Cherkas, L., Oelsner, E., Mak, Y., Valdes, A., & Spector, T. (2004). Genetic Influences on Female Infidelity and Number of Sexual Partners in Humans: A Linkage and Association Study of the Role of the Vasopressin Receptor Gene (AVPR1A). Twin Research, 7(6), 649-658. doi:10.1375/twin.7.6.649

X

A truism in psychology is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This is no less true in the realm of sexual behavior. Indeed, one of the strongest predictors of marital infidelity is one’s number of prior sex partners (Buss, 2000). Deception about past sexual promiscuity would have inflicted greater costs, on average, on men than on women

Haselton, M. G., Buss, D. M., Oubaid, V., & Angleitner, A. (2005). Sex, Lies, and Strategic Interference: The Psychology of Deception Between the Sexes. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(1), 3–23. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167204271303

X

Sexual promiscuity was significantly positively correlated with emotional promiscuity [r(356) = .261, p < .001], as well with sexual infidelity [r(323) = .595, p < .001] and emotional infidelity [r(323) = .676, p < .001], indicating that sexually promiscuous participants also tend to be emotionally promiscuous, and sexual[ly] and emotional[ly] unfaithful. In terms of the sexual domain, results showed that there is also a positive correlation between sexual promiscuity and sexual infidelity, stating that individuals that tend to be more sexually promiscuous also tend to be more sexually unfaithful. These results support our second hypothesis.

Pinto R., Arantes J. (2016). The Relationship between Sexual and Emotional Promiscuity and Infidelity in Proceedings of the Athens: ATINER’S Conference Paper Series, No: PSY2016-2087, Athens, 10.30958/ajss.4-4-3

X

Number of pre-marital partners: percent who cheated once married

2: 10.4%

 

3: 14.9%

 

4: 17.7%

 

5: 21.6%

 

6-10: 26.0%

 

11-20: 36.7%

 

21+: 46.8%

 

NORC General Social Survey. (2011, October 02). Female Infidelity Based on Number of Premarital Partners — Statistic Brain. Retrieved July 5, 2015, from http://www.statisticbrain.com/percent-of-female-infidelity-based-on-number-of-premarital-partners/

X

Contrary to the myth, partners who’ve had many partners have a harder, not easier, time remaining monogamous. They are significantly more at risk of straying than those with little or no prior sexual experience.

Staik, A., PhD. (2019, March 28). 10 Predictors of Infidelity and Gender Differences: Why Do Partners Cheat? Retrieved July 15, 2020, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2014/08/a-look-at-infidelity-why-do-partners-cheat/

X

For people in this survey who reported four or fewer lifetime sexual partners, the rate of infidelity in the current marriage dropped to 11%, while for those who had five or more sexual partners the number was nearly double (21%). The break between the 54% of people who had five or more lifetime sexual partners vs. the 46% who had four or fewer total partners illustrates the lessons from the study. This breakpoint is validated by the fact that when asked straight out, 68% of those with more sexual partners in their pasts agreed that, “I am always faithful to my sexual partner” (whether currently married or single), compared to 82% of those with fewer sexual partners who said the same.

nfidelity is also often the fruit of a lifelong approach to mating that involves seeking and practicing short-term mating encounters that encourage sexual variety at all stages and into marriage.

McQuivey, J. L., PhD. (2019, October 14). The Road to Infidelity Passes Through Multiple Sexual Partners. Retrieved July 16, 2020, from https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-road-to-infidelity-passes-through-multiple-sexual-partners-

X

[T]here was a correlation between female pre-marital promiscuity and higher rates of divorce. The research, conducted by Jay Teachman, found that women with 16 or more sexual partners prior to marriage had an 80% rate of subsequent divorce.

Wikipedia contributors. (2020, June 20). Female promiscuity. In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 12:06, July 27, 2020, from https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Female_promiscuity&oldid=963578370

Teachman, J. (2003), Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation, and the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65: 444-455. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00444.x

Science shows that when a woman has sex with a man, a chemical called oxytocin is released into her system. Oxytocin is a neuro-peptide most commonly associated with pregnancy and breast-feeding. It seems to act as a human superglue and helps a woman bond with her infant.

This chemical also helps a woman bond with her lover during sex. New scientific studies, however, suggest that if a woman has multiple sexual partners, this will lower her levels of oxytocin which in turn can inhibit her ability to bond to her husband. According to an article by Drs. John Diggs and Eric Keroack, "People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual."

The Relationship Between Multiple Sex Partners and Anxiety, Depression, and Substance Dependence Disorders: A Cohort Study

https://archive.org/details/Ramrakha2013MSPartners

Counterintuitive Trends in the Link Between Premarital Sex and Marital Stability

https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability

New Study Claims People Who've Had More Sexual Partners Report Unhappier Marriages

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/more-sexual-partners-unhappy-marriage_n_5698440

2018: A Philosopher of Sex says Sexual Freedom is Destroying Desire

https://qz.com/quartzy/1178126/a-philosopher-of-sex-says-sexual-freedom-is-destroying-desire/

First Comes Love Then Comes Marriage? Women With 2 Or More Premarital Sex Partners Face Higher Divorce Rate

https://www.medicaldaily.com/sex-marriage-premarital-sex-divorce-rate-sex-partners-first-comes-loves-then-390269

[mandyjw]

@TK2021 No, that's just judgement. 

It's not about oxytocin, it's that love is unconditional, and when you're with someone you're WITH them. Being lost in thought and judgement is the only way you can split yourself, and so it seems you don't "bond". If it was about oxytocin you should ban women from dark chocolate. That's one of those roads that ends up in with burkas, because of need to control born out of some unquestioned insecurity. 

There are endless reasons to be insecure. You cannot control the circumstances. 

By the way, my husband and I got together as teenagers and we're still together, meaning, we've never been with anyone else. I feel that to admit this in this setting is just as bad as admitting I used to be an escort or something. Perhaps worse. See what I mean about judgement? When you make winner and loser out of what's not separate you can never win. When you don't, you can't ever lose. 

[TK2021]

@mandyjw
You are not making much sense here and you are spiritual bypassing very hard. Romantic love is absolutely not unconditional. Otherwise you wouldn't mind being in a romantic relationship with the homeless psycho living under the bridge. Or even your chair. Yet you are with your teenage sweetheart. Just proving my point further.

Edited October 21, 2021 by TK2021

[mandyjw]

16 minutes ago, TK2021 said:

Just proving my point further.

Uh huh. 

[somegirl]

I don't care as long as he took care of himself sexually and tests himself regularly (once a year) so I wouldn't have to worry about that. That's the most important thing for me. Body count really doesn't bother me.

And also, it doesn't bother me as long as he doesn't mention his exes. I don't want to hear about your ex in any context, at all. It makes me think you hold grudges instead of moving on and building something new with a new person.

???

Edited October 21, 2021 by somegirl

[Loba]

I don't care to know about nasty breakups, good breakups are fine.  If they are bad ones that is a red flag to me, because it takes two to tango.

Sexual past doesn't bug me as long as they're clean and not in the like... 30's range of partners.  That's another red flag.

Never really became a point with my previous relationships to focus on sexual pasts.

[Lyubov]

Ok so I have some updates because this was just really on my mind and I knew this is something we inevitably had to talk about because I know I would be holding back until we went through this together. My girlfriend really loves sex so I suppose I feel some insecurities knowing she has slept with a lot of other men. This is a classic "having your cake and eating it too" mind/emotion thing I'm going through right now because I love that she loves sex. 

We were just having a heart to talk, talking about sex, etc. I decided to ask her and she said she doesn't wanna count it and didn't wanna answer it. I respected that fully. I know she even feels a little embarrassed about it. It's hard to gage from my end, it could very well be more than me. She asked me to throw out a number that I think would be high for her and so I sorta just said the first one that comes to mind (50). She said she didn't think she has had that many partners, and was uncomfortable so I didn't push it, but the topic sorta changed into something else (more on this later). I've mostly been with other women who had less sex partners than me and that has usually been my experience so this is kinda my first time being so close to someone who may have had more than me. My girlfriend is a sex goddess so I understand why she has explored her sexuality like this. She REALLY loves sex. It's just that she very well could have had more than me and it's hard to stomach this.

I also then asked to know how good I am compared to her past lovers. This came up as well. She said I was in the top 3/4 for sure but she has had better. I inquired on this a bit more (she is embarrassed talking about sex) and she said it isn't so much the psychological aspect, how I look, how I physically am, but rather the technical side needs work, like sometimes my technique is off, I'm still learning how to choke her properly and sort of give it to her in a way she is really into. She has told me some incredibly deep things from the heart, how much she loves me, how no man has ever made her feel this loved, how she feels I'm "the one." Stuff of this nature. I'm not so into oneitiss and soul mate talk (I'm more practical and not into dressing it up like this, I do deeply love her though) but she is a woman and is very romantic like this and has basically said stuff of this nature to me. I suppose what I'm feeling is that if she feels this deeply about me in this way then I want to also be the best she has had in bed so it's also sort of painful knowing I haven't quite reached it there yet. 

It's one thing if we were fwb, I wouldn't care as much about any of this, but we are really close and she has said some incredibly deep things from her heart about how much she loves me and how she has never loved a man so much before. It's almost a heavy weight to carry knowing this is how deeply she feels about me. I suppose her sexual flings in the past wouldn't bother me as much if I knew I was the best she had in bed but I'm not sure we are there yet and so I'm just feeling bothered right now knowing she has had so many sex partners, potentially more than me. As a man I want the sex to be the best if we are deeply in love and if she feels this way about me. It's emotionally painful to not yet be her best in bed.

Any ideas how to further work through this and come out even stronger and closer and potentially even more mind blowing in bed where I can take my proper place on the throne I desire to sit in?