Your partner's sexual past, how do you feel about it?

[Lyubov]

For any of you in a long term relationship, especially the guys, how does your partner's sexual past make you feel?

I find myself feeling a little jealous sometimes about my partner's past but also curious. I'm quite aware of the beliefs behind it so I'm of course careful not to be judgmental. I'm aware that it stings something inside of me and is a pointer for growth and more self understanding, love and an expansion of my belief system. 

"You can't have your cake and eat it" You can't have your woman one way and also expect her to be another way when they contradict. It feels like a lie to chase this and wouldn't be right. For instance I am NOT into this sort of "good, conservative, boring girl" type. They are just so boring to me and I never feel any spark with them. I've always fallen hard for club chicks. They are so much fun and I always feel I have the best kind of sex with such women, filled with passion and openness to explore. But at the same time I have to accept the fact I've probably not been the first guy to have this fun with her. I'm hesitant to ask my partner how many other guys they have been with cause the answer may be harder for me to stomach than I realize 

Have any of you ever felt the same? How do you feel about your partner's sexual past? Does it bother you in any way and for any reason? 

Edited October 20, 2021 by Lyubov

[Valach]

This is a hot topic for me as I am dealing with it right now.

Me and my girl have been dating for 5 months now and we are very open with each other so she told me her "number" and some details. I was very surprised in my reaction -> in the past I didn't really care about my girl's past but that was probably because I never really saw any future with them. With this girl ( eventhough the number is not realy thaaaaat high) I am struggling with this. It got to a point, where it's ruining our relationship, which is a shame, because this girl really is a wonderful person who is supporting me in every possible way. Sometimes I feel disgusted and sad by it. It came to a point, that sometimes, when we are having sex I am thinking about her being with other men (which is funny since I don't know any of them). Obviously this ruins a nice moments for me. I am trying my hardest not to judge her but as with every emotion goes, you can't really control it. I don't think this is rooted in a insecurity in my case, because am quite confident around my relationship and sex skills (got a quite bit of compliments in the past and from this girl).

I think my issue is that I am resentful towards my past self, when I wanted to get laid but didn't know how so I hold a grudge against my girlfriend, girls and people having sex in general. I obviously have a problem with female sexuality in general too, probably conditioned by cultural programming.

But just as you said. If I want to date a girl who is good looking, likes sex and is fun to be around, she will be with some past. I understand this in a logical layer, but can't really force my emotions to do the same

Yesterday I told everything about this to my girlfriend, who had no idea I was struggling with this. I am also gonna go to therapy to find the root problem of this. If not, I will probably have to end the relationship as my girlfriend deserves someone who will not judge her for her past. 

 

I don't want to break this relationship just because of this because I have a feeling I might have the same issue in the next one so I need to deal with this now. I also noticed in myself that I tied my self-worth a lot to how many girls I slept with and sometimes I wish my number was higher.

 

Anyone's advice, who struggled with this and got over it would be appriciated.

Edited October 20, 2021 by Valach

[Lyubov]

18 minutes ago, Valach said:

This is a hot topic for me as I am dealing with it right now.

Me and my girl have been dating for 5 months now and we are very open with each other so she told me her "number" and some details. I was very surprised in my reaction -> in the past I didn't really care about my girl's past but that was probably because I never really saw any future with them. With this girl ( eventhough the number is not realy thaaaaat high) I am struggling with this. It got to a point, where it's ruining our relationship. Sometimes I feel disgusted and sad by it. It came to a point, that sometimes, when we are having sex I am thinking about her being with other men (which is funny since I don't know any of them). Obviously this ruins a nice moments for me. I am trying my hardest not to judge her but as with every emotion goes, you can't really control it. I don't think this is rooted in a insecurity in my case, because am quite confident around my relationship and sex skills (got a quite bit of compliments in the past and from this girl).

I think my issue is that I am resentful towards my past self, when I wanted to get laid but didn't know how so I hold a grudge against my girlfriend, girls and people having sex in general. I obviously have a problem with female sexuality in general too, probably conditioned by cultural programming.

But just as you said. If I want to date a girl who is good looking, likes sex and is fun to be around, she will be with some past. I understand this in a logical layer, but can't really force my emotions to do the same

Yesterday I told everything about this to my girl friend, who had no idea I was struggling with this. I am also gonna go to therapy to find the root problem of this. If not, I will probably have to end the relationship as my girlfriend deserves someone who will not judge her for her past. 

Damn dude, this is really tearing you up I see. First off, I'm sorry man and much love to you. There is a life lesson here to be learned and I know you will learn it and get stronger and better yourself with the wisdom you gain from it. 

I can see how bad this can get now. For me it's more like a minor annoyance or one or two good solitary cries from total freedom and acceptance of this aspect of my partner 

I guess for me what my limiting beliefs are: "Was I as special as she said I was to her or just another number?" Her words are ever flowing with the most magnificent love, in and out of bed ,when I am with her. I know you can really trust a woman's words when she is speaking deeply from the heart. Sometimes the more logistical stuff like saying she wants to move in will change, but the sort of core of where her words are coming from are true so I do feel how deeply she loves me and how crazy I drive her. I think it's more so a trick of the mind that wants to poke at this and create doubt and fear of the uncertainty brought about by the ever changing flow of life. Deep down it's poking a belief that I'm "flawed", "weak", " a chump", all synonyms for a bad person (self judgement) and I'm in the process of letting go of that. 

Second I would say is sort of the beliefs I've picked up through the culture. Stuff like how women should be good girls, clean, not a slut, etc. Thing is, I've found all the really sexy, beautiful, fun, passionate club chicks that basically all these pick up guys dream of getting are not going to fit some puritanical role. They will have explored their sexuality to varying degrees. It's not out of spite of me or any personal reason that has anything to do with me, but because they are enjoying their lives and their bodies. I'm sure it's a ton of fun being a beautiful woman. It's quite impersonal.

It does also sting a bit to know I missed out on a ton of action in my early age (18-27). I was never incel but was your average guy rarely getting action, playing video games, girlfriend once in a blue moon, etc. I think as men we age like fine wine and still have plenty of opportunity to have fun, learn and grow into our 40s. I still feel plenty young to have more experiences like this and my young years where I wasn't good with women were foundational for getting to where I am an aged bottle of red wine now. 

 

Edited October 20, 2021 by Lyubov

[Leo Gura]

Best not to ask. Don't drag the past into a new relationship, this will just taint a clean slate.

[Windappreciator]

14 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Best not to ask. Don't drag the past into a new relationship, this will just taint a clean slate.

more reason to do so?

Edited October 20, 2021 by Windappreciator

[Lyubov]

21 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Best not to ask. Don't drag the past into a new relationship, this will just taint a clean slate.

you've never been curious enough though to ponder asking?

[kamwalker]

The person is going to form a judgment based on your answer, regardless of what it is. I think it’s something not worth bringing up. Unless it’s the cause of some sort of trauma that needs to be addressed because it’s affecting the relationship then just leave it in the past. It doesn’t seem that important to me. 

[The0Self]

Several years ago my girlfriend at the time seemed concerned or curious about how many women I'd slept with (basically while we were having sex, no less, lol). I hesitantly told her probably like 18 or 19 (the vast majority of which were quite recent at the time). Half expecting her to be upset, I asked her in return, and she then very hesitantly just told me through nervous laughter, "more than that..." We laughed about it, and I seem to remember that for some reason we agreed to never talk about it again.

It was weird -- I feel like she was expecting me to say something ridiculous like 40, and so she'd be able to say "not that many," because she then actually seemed surprised that the number was less than hers...

It didn't bother me even slightly. I didn't feel jealousy or really anything at all in relation to it, but in fact she was probably the most jealous girlfriend I ever had.

It came up other times briefly with other women but usually one of us would just change the subject... or brush it off as irrelevant -- best way to deal with it . I'd never bring it up in general.

Edited October 20, 2021 by The0Self

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

you've never been curious enough though to ponder asking?

I'm not stupid enough to bring up that topic.

What possible good can come of it?

[Windappreciator]

Just now, Leo Gura said:

I'm not stupid enough to bring up that topic.

What possible good can come of it?

If you 2 cant withstand that than ..

[The0Self]

13 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

If you 2 cant withstand that than ..

It's smart and strategic to just not bring it up though. But I know what you mean. No relationship that I ever felt was worthwhile would have ever suffered from the conversation, but we're dealing with human emotion here -- nothing good comes from bringing it up. No reason not to do it either with a good partner but also no reason to do it.

[HypnoticMagician]

I don't like the idea of having to share my past fantasies. If you necessarily ask, I always wanted to be raped and exploited by ugly but highly intelligent women. Then, changed my mind, and decided to rape and then exploit both men and women. And changed my mind again, I am no longer into any form of enslavement apart from it being only in form of game.

[Windappreciator]

@The0Self it is only good to face a shadow

Edited October 20, 2021 by Windappreciator

[Lyubov]

26 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I'm not stupid enough to bring up that topic.

What possible good can come of it?

Lol I don’t know man I’m not so logical like this. Sometimes it’s fun to light fireworks and just throw them to see what happens. Could be a beautiful show full of excitement or could end in losing a finger. 

[Leo Gura]

30 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

If you 2 cant withstand that than ..

Nothing is gained but awkward shit can surface. Why kick that hornet's nest?

You shouldn't even care to know. Let the past go.

My rule is: I don't want to hear about your ex-s and what you did with them. I don't want to fill my mind with garbage.

Do not drag old relationships into the present one. Make a clean slate.

[The0Self]

1 minute ago, Lyubov said:

Lol I don’t know man I’m not so logical like this. Sometimes it’s fun to light fireworks and just throw them to see what happens. Could be a beautiful show full of excitement or could end in losing a finger. 

Exactly, that right there is the reason for doing it. Therefore, a case could be made that it would be wiser not to. 

Nothing right or wrong with it though.

[Lyubov]

3 minutes ago, The0Self said:

Exactly, that right there is the reason for doing it. Therefore, a case could be made that it would be wiser not to. 

Nothing right or wrong with it though.

yep, and it’s kinda why I haven’t  it could lead to deeper intimacy and more passionate sex, thinking about it for some reason makes me more passionate for her, but also I might lose my hand as well going into it so it’s probably just better off pondering the idea and laughing about it here than actually doing it. 

[The0Self]

9 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

@The0Self it is only good to face a shadow

In terms of the potential awkwardness that can arise? Or the jealousy? If neither of those are problematic, then there's no reason to bring it up. Otherwise, then okay sure, but in that case I doubt it would be coming from wisdom, it would likely be coming from impulsiveness or neediness.

[Windappreciator]

11 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Nothing is gained but awkward shit can surface. Why kick that hornet's nest?

You shouldn't even care to know. Let the past go.

My rule is: I don't want to hear about your ex-s and what you did with them. I don't want to fill my mind with garbage.

Do not drag old relationships into the present one. Make a clean slate.

Everything to you important is gained by facing awkwardness and shame and alike.

You can't really let reason and virtue lead you when you excuse facing awkwardness and alike being unreasonable.

Edited October 20, 2021 by Windappreciator

[Lyubov]

8 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

My rule is: I don't want to hear about your ex-s and what you did with them. I don't want to fill my mind with garbage.

Do not drag old relationships into the present one. Make a clean slate.

How do you enforce this boundary so to speak? I’ve always had girls I’m with occasionally bring up their ex in some way. Usually in a respectable way that isn’t too bothersome for me and usually from a related question of mine. It hasn’t really ever bothered me too much but I don’t really ever bring my stuff up cause it just isn’t ever at the tip of my tongue when with my girlfriend. I do it very seldom only if it’s pertinent.