Trying to be more neutral with nihilism

[lmfao]

In the past few months have been deeply seeped in nihilism, mood swings and randomness, but at the same time stagnation of not doing much. Depression and etc. Lots of suffering. Mental fixations with breaking out of where I am, deep contempt and disgust.

Strange mental territories, ego inflations, circus intuitions and projections. Fantasies of my own glamour or impact, arrogance, etc. Felt suicidal at times. Was reading and still am reading Mark Twains last novel due to its solipsistic message, shit like that was/is in my head. I mean some of the chapters in it are funny but yeah 

Been in extreme nihilism about the entire spiritual endeavour itself being crap, it being an extension of society. Jed Mckenna resonated, but with that, and in general, I've been miserable and twisting various stuff. 

I'm right now giving Leo's nihilism video a listen

 

Yeah it's strange really. I'm not sure what I want to construct, what I'll let go of or not.

I've had the perspective open up to me recently that I shouldn't just survive by juicing anger/hostility. Options for warmth and connection (with others) have presented themselves in my consciousness, but I've been refusing them? Refusing them out of the belief its more delusion, fake positivity, hollowness.

^There's an element of misanthropic narcissism as well, that I believe that I'm above others. I automatically giggle with Schadenfreude when talking to people sometimes and hearing/seeing something bad. 

I've found myself deliberately making myself angry or amped up with tension/fire as a way to escape my own weakness and castration. Insane strategies. e.g. I had a phase for a week where I'd force myself to punch the wall to get angry, even if I didn't like it. Ofc there were times I just punched the wall spontaneously 

Extreme frustration with my weakness, lack of control, lack of power, lack of social competence, etc. I've felt like the universe is forcing me to chew my own testicles and it turns me red hot with rage.

Getting insanely drunk on rage, whether it was within me or being generated.

Having luciferic consciousness patterns which are non-human emerge at times. It's elevated but weird. It's predatory and prideful, in the true senses of those words. The angel and demon wacky experiences I had which sparked all this mostly disappeared, although the "Luciferic" shit came out as recently as yesterday briefly and mildly after a long time. But that's whatever random shit that's diversion to explore like this. 

Forgetting about it and moving on from it and not worrying about it have worked best 

 

I've quite literally been choosing to be miserable. 

They talk about whether you actually "want to be happy" or you "enjoy your suffering". 

I'm extremely stubborn, fixed in my ways and basically listen to no one. So this idea of whether I'm refusing my own happiness or something, jacking off to my own suffering, it's tough to hear

 

So yeah it's pretty weird. I've been conjuring rage mana whenever I feel myself becoming weak or cucked. I'm exhausted from it though now... There are still barriers, since I can't easily access my rage right now in this moment for example or digest it. 

Cycles of shame, guilt and anger, blah blah. I latch onto anger if I perceive myself to have have no other mechanism to escape a low place? Maybe? Shrugs. 

I guess shame and guilt would be root of anger being unconscious, despite my numerous attempts to make it conscious and get drunk on it. 

Whenever I'm having constructive /contemplative thoughts, I moreso been dabbling in recent weeks that I should be focusing on "having a good dream" rather than this one. Trying to maybe take it more easy and chill

--

I'm seriously considering taking anti depressants again if things don't pan out in the next some weeks, after I move out of my families house in a couple days. Went to a psychiatrist, they don't think I have psychosis, and their diagnoses and recommendation was of anti depressants + therapy. 

Doing some psychedelic research, never taken them. I've had 1 tab of LSD just sitting around for a while, never feeling the time was right or that it was risky. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by lmfao

[Michiryoku]

Before I took anti depressants I was on the edge most of the times. Taking them realy made me calm down again and cooler in tough situations. From my experience I can only advices you to take them. Ofcourse I have never been truly depressed so I don't realy know in your case

[Nahm]

You can’t be in nihilism or solipsism because these are beliefs you are aware of (isms). If anything, clearly you are outside, or prior to, beliefs. If you told someone else these are not beliefs, but are true, they too are prior to this and thus it is up to them to suppress the discord and also believe what you’ve shared, or not to. 

Likewise ‘I’m extremely stubborn’ is only a thought. It’s believability, or not, is up to that which is prior. In the latter there are no cycles. 

Everything is working out for you. Thoughts which arise to the contrary arise in the much bigger picture if you will, of that everything is actually working out for you. The adventure is looking for htf that’s even possible, let alone true. When it is discovered this is true, it is not the result of positive, woo woo, or wishful thinking. It is found and realized to actually be true.  

[EternalForest]

It doesn't matter that nothing matters, because we're all there is.

Even if the sun consumes the Earth one day and everything that was ever built was lost, don't you want to enjoy it while it's still here?

This world is your playground.

[lmfao]

On 21/10/2021 at 8:45 PM, Nahm said:

You can’t be in nihilism or solipsism because these are beliefs you are aware of (isms). If anything, clearly you are outside, or prior to, beliefs. If you told someone else these are not beliefs, but are true, they too are prior to this and thus it is up to them to suppress the discord and also believe what you’ve shared, or not to. 

Regardless of what you tell people they can apparently have discord or not have discord, so this is moot to me

On 21/10/2021 at 8:45 PM, Nahm said:

Everything is working out for you. Thoughts which arise to the contrary arise in the much bigger picture if you will, of that everything is actually working out for you. The adventure is looking for htf that’s even possible, let alone true. When it is discovered this is true, it is not the result of positive, woo woo, or wishful thinking. It is found and realized to actually be true.  

Well lets see about that 

Edited October 25, 2021 by lmfao