Depressive state, sadness, despair.

[Strangeloop]

In my free days out of work I don't spend time doing anything productive. I had a very lazy day. It was so lazy (if I can call it that) I spent most of the day laying in bed and not thinking nor doing anything just staring at the blank space. I became frustrated with my life situation. Especially when yet again failed in my search of a girlfriend. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be detached. I want to be the man who doesn't need to prove anything. I want to be a person of confidence and not of regret and shame.

Is that possible? I do not know.

[Michael569]

2 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

Especially when yet again failed in my search of a girlfriend

Seems like the need for physical attachment is what's holding you back. Why is the desire so strong? Any chance you can let go of this need? Not saying don't date. Just let go of the neediness to have a girlfriend. That in itself may actually make you more successful in dating. 

[snowyowl]

@Strangeloop  Are you living a sedentary lifestyle? This one of those counter-intuitive effects, where you need to expend more energy to get more. Like love and friendship; conserving it reduces it. So if you don't have a healthy active lifestyle, get one. 

Also maybe your 'failure' to get a gf has left you demotivated and demoralised? I'm not a dating expert, but my advice is to avoid building up a lot of anxiety by loading up the situation with hopes and expectations of a date leading to a gf. Just go out with the girl and have a fun time without all the weight of the future. Whether it works out or not, it's ok if you had a good night out. Enjoy the moment and let go of the future. Helps us to behave more natural. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by snowyowl

[Superfluo]

@Strangeloop When you'll be sick and tired of being sick and tired, then you will change. You're not there yet. Keep sinking into your depression, and you snap your rubber-band-like motivation.

[Nahm]

14 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

In my free days out of work I don't spend time doing anything productive. I had a very lazy day. It was so lazy (if I can call it that) I spent most of the day laying in bed and not thinking nor doing anything just staring at the blank space. I became frustrated with my life situation. Especially when yet again failed in my search of a girlfriend. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be detached. I want to be the man who doesn't need to prove anything. I want to be a person of confidence and not of regret and shame.

Is that possible? I do not know.

Not only is this possible, without the conjecture it is readily felt to be already actual. The ‘you’ which is ‘in’ a state is just a thought and not you. When this is missed, a belief arises that there is better feeling, in ‘the better state’. There is an illusion of thought such that there is this state which you’re in, and that state you are desiring to be in… because that’s the ‘higher’ or ‘better feeling state’. This is illusory because the comparison is not to any actual thing, as in, there is the thought there is the comparison of states, but when you actually look for or attempt to define the states, it is readily seen there aren’t any. This is the hamster wheel of ‘state chasing’. That better feeling can not actually ever be experienced, because the belief hijacks the fact that feeling is already present and already good. 

Likewise, consider, obviously you do want a girlfriend. Scrutinize why though. Is it because you belief you’re feel better once in that state, or situation. Or is it for the experience of a relationship, spending time together, etc. 

Seeking someone with the expectation you will feel better objectifies them and this is like a backwards magnet. It doesn’t attract. No one wants to be someone else’s object. A thing which is seen as serving someone else’s happiness. 

Notice how these ways of thinking result in statements like “I don’t want to feel this way’, and, ‘I want to be a person of confidence and not regret and shame’.  Do you really believe confidence, regret and shame are descriptive of people… vs what people experience? Is there regret guy, shame lady, and confidence man? Obviously these describe a person’s experience, and not the person. 

This is the value of the emotional scale. It’s about emotions we all experience, and understanding them. It’s not about you, but about what you are experiencing. Notice depression, states, sadness & despair are not on the scale. This is because they are self referential conceptualizations, not emotions. This is the heart of the confusion and the suffering. 

The more this is understood, the more it is seen the emotions are relaying guidance in regard to what thoughts you focus on, and what thoughts you let go. 

You are already the man who doesn’t need to prove anything. That’s pride of self image. Just, thoughts which are in discord with truth, with you. It’s putting what you think other people think about you - above how you yourself feel. When you put how you feel above anything you think, momentum builds and you experience the emotions higher on the scale, and this is like flipping the attraction magnet in the attracting direction. 

[LSD-Rumi]

@Strangeloop

So what is putting you down like this? What do you feel? Do you feel lazy, unmotivated? or do you have some sort of limiting beliefs about yourself and life? like you are not worthy enough? or you are a weak incel or something like this ?

If you lack motivation, then you lack a vision of yourself living the good life. Motivation comes exactly from ambition and passion for life. If you lack those then nothing on earth will motivate you. It is very essential to actively practice visualizing your dreams on a daily basis. This should be a daily habit for you, spend 10 to 15 minutes every day in the morning and before you go to bed just imaging yourself if you treated life seriously enough. It will work like magic. Passion generates motivation not the way around.  You may think about creating a vision board to help you visualize your vision of yourself.

Also, you could be complaining of some sort of disease or mental disorder if you feel like shit 24/7. Depression in mild forms can go hidden undiagnosed for years. Seek a therapist if you feel that's the case. 

You could also hire a life coach to help guide you in your life. Don't be cheap, a proper life coaching can be worth millions in the long run.

Edited October 20, 2021 by LSD-Rumi

[Strangeloop]

Well....

Yes. I feel like I have of some sorts of limiting beliefs. What are these limiting beliefs? Do they actually do me any good? Do beliefs do any good? How does a belief work? How do I change any limiting belief? How do I get a benefit from a belief? These questions might help me.

I tried letting go, I end up either resisting to let go or feeling like I don't need anyone. Neediness and non neediness again. Tough to balance. No idea how these are balanced. Only God knows.

Just writing this out and having vision sure... As soon as I had hope I did envision stuff happening. Some of them happened some of them didn't. So I don't see where this helps me.

I don't know about the active life. Maybe I'm just bullshiting myself to not do anything so I would stay in my imaginery world of procrastination and "Everything is fine" attitude. So I wouldn't need to do anything myself and everything would be done for me.

Still bullshitting. Still talking nonsense. Still having 0fucks about myself and others. Not a healthy lifestyle....

[Superfluo]

4 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

What are these limiting beliefs? Do they actually do me any good? Do beliefs do any good? How does a belief work? How do I change any limiting belief? How do I get a benefit from a belief? These questions might help me.

Tony Robbins' or Byron Katie's stuff might help you.

 

4 hours ago, Strangeloop said:

I don't know about the active life. Maybe I'm just bullshiting myself to not do anything so I would stay in my imaginery world of procrastination and "Everything is fine" attitude. So I wouldn't need to do anything myself and everything would be done for me.

Still bullshitting. Still talking nonsense. Still having 0fucks about myself and others. Not a healthy lifestyle....

Raise your standards, push yourself more, raise your expectations of yourself, and keep them up until you muster the courage and the strength to align to them. If your standards are high, they will soon start to bug you until you decide to make something to ease the discomfort. That will be the moment you'll start being proactive. Don't lower your standards, raise yourself to meet your standards. And until then, let them be high enough to let you know who you can become.

Edited October 28, 2021 by Superfluo

[Fearless_Bum]

@Strangeloop part of the depressive state is believing in scarcity. 

I know many people say this bit it's absolutely true, the belief in scarcity is a huge chunk of this. 

Open your mind to the truth that you will actually never run out of things to do in this life, you will never, ever, run out of stuff to get into, relationships to build, success milestones, weird/quirky passions, etc. 

Break out of this by moving in reality and not moving in thought, go wash the dishes, notice while washing that it's completely effortless when you aren't moving in thought, then you'll say I can do this!