The Case for Neediness

[Loving Radiance]

On 18.10.2021 at 5:01 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Also, another thing that I want to add is that hyper-independence is often times a trauma response that happens to people whose needs have been ignored for so long that they cope with minimizing their needs or refusing to ask for help. In a lot of these situation, these people end up making an identity out of not being needy to where they end up neglecting their emotional, social, and mental needs.

I think some people can also run into this problem in spiritual circles in the way some people can get attached to detachment as a way to bypass suffering. Because it feels like it would be easier to detach from a need than to be vulnerable and ask for help outside of yourself. 

Wow, how do you know this in such detail?

[soos_mite_ah]

15 minutes ago, Loving Radiance said:

Wow, how do you know this in such detail?

Direct experience, observation, and therapy 

[Loving Radiance]

@soos_mite_ah Fuck yes, what a banger combination.

Tbh, I felt totally exposed when I read it

[Brittany]

You have many non-duality disclaimers in this post. haha

However; none of this makes sense through the lens of non-duality. Ultimately, because relationships are a dualistic symbol of separation.  A relationship implies we are separate. And that we, as separate things, are joining.

Relationships are the mind's attempt to connect what has never been broken.

How can you join something that has never been divided?

But through the lens of duality, where the mind has divided reality into separate parts, what you are saying is 100% on point.

And I also love Teal Swan's work on relationships. One of things she said in a recent Workshop is along the lines of "there is no difference between loving yourself and loving another person" because there is no separation.

Therefore, if you meet the needs of another person, you are meeting the needs of yourself.

There is no difference.

So when you are saying "They are so needy!!" ; you are also saying "I am so needy!!!"

Because there is no separation.

[LastThursday]

Good post @aurum.

It seems that in relationships it's not so much the level of needs that need to be met on either side, but if each partner is able or willing to service (for want of a better word) their loved one's needs. There's kind of a three-way neediness going on. There are your own needs and whether they're serviced by your partner, there is your partner's needs and if you are able to service them, and then there is underlying (perhaps social) expectation that your partner service certain needs that you could well meet yourself. So there are needs you can't meet by yourself, and needs you can but don't. As another layer there are other needs coming out of expectation, which are at a higher level: for example the need for a partner to be a high flyer or socially capable or have X quality. Most of my relationships I would say have failed because the neediness of expectations haven't been met in the long run (from both sides).

I'm not sure if commitment is neediness, although it can come out of neediness, because you may have needs that can't be met without being committed to someone. I think most needs are recurring and so being committed helps with that. It's a reassurance that my needs will continue to be satisfied and that you just won't run off whenever you feel unwilling to meet my needs for whatever reason. Whether a relationship is fundamentally coming out of neediness, that seems a bit more fuzzy. I think at a higher level people are drawn towards unity and completion, so there's a spiritual aspect to being in a relationship - although that way of thinking about a relationship could be too difficult to align with for most - there's a sense that two people become one entity or system, with it's own emergent needs.

Edited October 25, 2021 by LastThursday