I'm in Hell. AMA (Ask me anything)

[Blackhawk]

5 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

The only thing I love is women. Women is the only meaning of life and existence.

But I like men too, but not sexually. It's interesting how I feel love (not romantic) for men too at work for example.

[Proserpina]

5 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

The only thing I love is women. Women is the only meaning of life and existence.

Why don't you make a dream board or magical creation box focused on women? Instead of focusing on the lack, absorb yourself in it's presence.

[Blackhawk]

5 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

Why don't you make a dream board or magical creation box focused on women? Instead of focusing on the lack, absorb yourself in it's presence.

I don't really know what that is. But I guess it's about writing. I don't like writing.

Edited October 23, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Proserpina]

Just now, Blackhawk said:

I don't really know what that is. But I guess it's about writing. I don't like writing.

Putting pictures or text or poems into a folder or a board.

[Rilles]

8 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

But I like men too, but not sexually. It's interesting how I feel love (not romantic) for men too at work for example.

Wow. Thats funny. I have something similar sometimes. Im definitely not attracted to men though, lol. I think I just have poor boundaries and some type of mental OCD lol.

[Blackhawk]

5 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

Putting pictures or text or poems into a folder or a board.

Oic.

3 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Wow. Thats funny. I have something similar sometimes. Im definitely not attracted to men though, lol. I think I just have poor boundaries and some type of mental OCD lol.

[snowyowl]

13 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

I can't conversate. At all. Not even online. And no it's not something which I can work on. My brain is permanently physically broken. Simple as that. I can't fucking say anything. I'm completely empty and dead inside. No one wants to talk with a wall, let alone be a partner with one. And btw, several people have said exactly just that to me: "talking with you is like talking to a wall", and many other different things about how unhappy they are about me never saying anything.

Well, as you know I’m 0% qualified to help with this (I'm an accountant!) plus as you rightly say I don't know you. But if you're not ready to see a good therapist yet and want to discuss it in the forum instead, here's my tuppence. 

@Gili Trawangan has a good idea about reading out loud by yourself. 

When you're in company your mind goes blank and you can't think of anything to say. Yet when you're by yourself (your "comfort zone" perhaps?), you're in a turmoil of painful feelings of sadness, loneliness, despair. That certainly isn't an empty and dead wall. You can write posts here in the forum when you're feeling ok. Words can come when you're in a safe place. 

We can only take so much pain and suffering until our survival instincts intervene. I too have a mind-going-blank issue when I'm in stressful situations and my anxiety kicks in. Things like public speaking and job interviews (very inconvenient that). 

Have you heard of the fight, flight and freeze response? Our mind going blank, brain freeze, could be part of the freeze response. It's supposed to be a survival mechanism in the autonomic nervous system, but for people with anxiety disorders it can become overactive and trigger inappropriately. Or apparently inappropriately - with social anxiety, any social situation can feel threatening and trigger FFF. 

We seek solitude to escape the painful anxiety, but we have hearts which crave friendship, love and relationships, and get lonely being by ourselves too much. So we're in a double-bind. It seems hopeless, damned if we do and damned if we don't. 

If this sounds familiar to you, perhaps you have social anxiety or generalised anxiety disorder, and we can point towards some options. Or maybe not and you can exclude it. 

Either way, take care and be kind to yourself. 

Edited October 23, 2021 by snowyowl

[Blackhawk]

@snowyowl I see, yes I have heard of FFF.

I guess I probably have some kind of social anxiety.

[Blackhawk]

I want to know why @Loba got so upset at me  I think she has blocked me, and I have no idea why. I haven't even talked with her in private. I can't improve if I don't know what I have done wrong.

Edited October 24, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Tudo]

56 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

I want to know why @Loba got so upset at me  I think she has blocked me, and I have no idea why. I haven't even talked with her in private. I can't improve if I don't know what I have done wrong.

Well, I think she didn't block you, it isn't available to me to dm her either.

[Someone here]

On 10/23/2021 at 2:31 AM, Blackhawk said:

Sometimes I do think about whether I should kill myself or not.

I know that the smart and rational thing for me would be to kill myself. It would most likely in an instant solve all my suffering and problems. But when you take also others into the equation, then it's not such a easy decision anymore. What I would gain in stopping to suffer, would be lost on my parents suffering more.

About 4 years ago I was very close to killing myself. I had everything ready, the rope, suicide letter, etc, but when I was about to do it, I couldn't do it.

@Blackhawk are you suicidal these days? 

[Blackhawk]

23 minutes ago, Tudo said:

Well, I think she didn't block you, it isn't available to me to dm her either.

I see, thanks for letting me know.

6 minutes ago, Someone here said:

@Blackhawk are you suicidal these days? 

Sometimes I do think about if I should kill myself, but it doesn't take long until I come to the conclusion that I shouldn't.

[Blackhawk]

Here is a good example which shows how God is a sadist. This happened about two weeks ago:

I wrote this to a girl (it wasn't a real life relationship):

And that made her leave me.

Seriously, this world is designed and meant for pain. This is just a tiny example of how we are supposed to suffer, but a unusually good example. The same basic principle applies to everything here. But girls are especially good at hurting and torturing me here.

So this cannot be anything other than Hell.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Rilles]

7 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

Here is a good example which shows how God is a sadist. This happened about two weeks ago:

I wrote this to a girl (it wasn't a real life relationship):

And that made her leave me.

Seriously, this world is designed and meant for pain. This is just a tiny example of how we are supposed to suffer, but a unusually good example. The same basic principle applies to everything here. But girls are especially good at hurting and torturing me here.

So this cannot be anything other than Hell.

You wrote this to a girl you arent in a relationship with? Thats gonna creep her out dude, always be implicit with women, explicitness is a turn off, Leo has an entire episode on that.  Dont beat yourself up my dude.

[Blackhawk]

But can you see how sadistic it is that once a girl knows that she means something to you, then she will ditch you. So we are never supposed to be happy with a girl, we are supposed to always suffer. Very sadistic.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Rilles]

5 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

But can you see how sadistic it is that once a girl knows that she means something to you, then she will ditch you. So we are never supposed to be happy with a girl, we are supposed to always suffer. Very sadistic.

Its just the way women in our society protect themselves, coming on too strong might creep a girl out. Its a survival game. Imagine its like hunting a deer, if you run through the bushes making alot of noise you have no chance, if you take it slow and patient that deer is all yours. Doesnt always work of course, but its more attractive.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Rilles

[Blackhawk]

"I make you happy? Okay then I will ditch you. Bye bye hahaha."

[Rilles]

15 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

"I make you happy? Okay then I will ditch you. Bye bye hahaha."

Why are you assuming women have sadistic motives? Do you think women are evil?

Thats something you should contemplate. Maybe there is some nugget of insight there.

Notice that youre filling in the blanks. 1.What happened: She left/didnt answer.

2.How did you react: You assumed she is being sadistic. 

3.Did she actually show any evidence of that? Probably not.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Rilles

[Someone here]

On 10/24/2021 at 7:45 PM, Blackhawk said:

 

Sometimes I do think about if I should kill myself, but it doesn't take long until I come to the conclusion that I shouldn't.

@Blackhawk this is dangerous. If you are suicidal you should visit a therapist or take some medications. 

[Blackhawk]

46 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Why are you assuming women have sadistic motives? Do you think women are evil?

Thats something you should contemplate. Maybe there is some nugget of insight there.

Notice that youre filling in the blanks. 1.What happened: She left/didnt answer.

2.How did you react: You assumed she is being sadistic. 

3.Did she actually show any evidence of that? Probably not.

I don't blame her or the women. They can't help it. She and they usually aren't deliberately hurting me (but some women have hurt me deliberately too).

But I do blame God (Nature/Reality). Because it's God (Nature/Reality) who has made it all work like this. That's why I said that God is a sadist. 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Blackhawk