I'm in Hell. AMA (Ask me anything)

[Gianna]

On 10/21/2021 at 0:28 AM, Rilles said:

Or maybe you just THINK noone understands you..

@RillesYou kind of know you’re not being understood when people invalidate you.. haha. So it’s not something you 'think', it's something that happens. It's not like a, “I THINK people misunderstand me”. It’s more like a, “I fucking know you don't understand me because you're spitting in my face and telling me that I'm wrong and that these experiences aren't happening. That it's 'just me'." Haha. Kind of like what you’re doing with me right now, "You really think out of 7 billion people no one can understand you. Come on man..." Haha. 

You have to keep in mind that the higher your consciousness level, the lower the probability of being understood— so that ‘7 billion people’ that you make sound so inevitably relateable dwindles quickly. 

So recognize that your response assumes surface-level understanding. Some people are trapped in depths that the vast majority of people aren’t even interested in— so can you see how lonely this could be? People not even desiring to connect with the most intimate parts of you? The parts where you need understanding the most? And yeah, not ‘everyone’ but the practical people of your day to day life. 

Once you're at certain places, most people aren’t even capable of understanding you at the depths you need them to and that’s not their fault but it doesn’t mean that it’s not fucking miserable and lonely. Disconnection is hell. 

You're right, there is 7 billion chances. But you better hope you have the resources to find those people and connect with them practically because the internet and forums can only go so far. 

Edited October 22, 2021 by Gianna

[Blackhawk]

5 hours ago, kag101 said:

loneliness is hell. people who have never experienced it in high degress have no idea how much suffering it can bring.

i hope you make some good friends you can hang out with and have relaxing moments together. you seem like a nice person.

btw - do you have a cat? they can help

Thanks.

No I don't have a cat.

3 hours ago, snowyowl said:

These are all issues which can be worked on, if you seriously want to, there's a lot of resources out there. Why are you so convinced that nothing works? There's other introverted people in the forum, another thread about it at the moment. There is help, it just needs consistent effort, discipline over a long time. Don't give up on yourself so easy. 

I used to be stubborn, I had depression for over 20 years until I finally got a suitable treatment. Anxiety too, which I'm still working on although it's less severe now. 

But it's entirely up to you, lecture over and good luck 

I don't know what to say.

Thanks.

[Gianna]

6 hours ago, kag101 said:

loneliness is hell. people who have never experienced it in high degress have no idea how much suffering it can bring.

Exactly. And so much ignorance comes from that– from people talking about places they've never been. This is where you get the, "Oh, don't you know your thoughts create reality? That you're actually just creating this experience yourself?" That's the most ignorant fucking thing you can say to someone in this place. But you wouldn't know that unless you've been there. Even though these people are technically right, it's not about being 'right' it's about actually knowing where someone is coming from. People are so disconnected from each other it actually makes me sick to my stomach. And yet, we're all one right. 

[Proserpina]

@Blackhawk If you're doing everything you can (Even if it appears you're not) conditions will eventually shift.  Even if you're clinging to them for dear life.  

[Proserpina]

46 minutes ago, Gianna said:

Even though these people are technically right, it's not about being 'right' it's about actually knowing where someone is coming from. 

I wouldn't say law of attraction is always accurate.  You can be doing everything in your power and conditions can get worse initially for a long time.  That could make someone give up.  There are many stubborn factors at play. Sometimes this life time can be a test or a clearing of karma or a valley lifetime and that can make someone fall into despair if they are going soley by the principles of law of attraction.

[Gianna]

@Proserpina Oh, I completely agree. It's defeating and definitely makes you want to give up– like you say. Except you feel like you have no choice but to keep on trying because its your own happiness at stake. Haha. So you keep trying and trying. Except in the 'trying' you send the message that it's not here. And so the 'law of attraction' 'matches' that by not having it here. But what are you supposed to do, stop trying? Stop trying to change what's miserable? To 'love' what is when what is fucking sucks? Haha. It's a fucked cycle and I agree, it throws you in despair. That's why i think the conditions get worse before they get better– they get worse and worse and worse until you throw your hands up and just give up; give up the effort, the trying. And giving up kind of equates to acceptance in a way (not totally, but kind of. Like a, "whatever I'll just sit with this then" kind of thing) and so things can begin to change, somewhat! haha. I don't know actually I haven't gotten that far. For me, I think things are beginning to change because I'm giving up on certain people. So the suffering is alleviating a bit because I quit trying with those people. And so without the trying for those people the suffering with those people is gone. Bit by bit of course! It's not as easy as it sounds. 

Edited October 22, 2021 by Gianna

[Proserpina]

@Gianna  Hm. Interesting.  That's very true. Almost every time I let go of people and stopped trying I had a breakthrough. 

I think also that when you feel safe conditions and circumstances can arise for you to face and clear.  Kinda like how trauma frequently doesn't arise until adulthood when we are established and it's safe to explore those parts of ourselves.  

[Loba]

11 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

I don't think that a new fresh start would help.

How come?  Why not?

[Blackhawk]

11 minutes ago, Loba said:

How come?  Why not?

Because my problem is so deep roted. So the problem would follow me everywhere.

Sorry for writing short answers, I'm trying to write longer answers but nothing comes to my mind.

[Someone here]

@Blackhawk do you have suicidal thoughts? 

[Blackhawk]

5 hours ago, Someone here said:

@Blackhawk do you have suicidal thoughts? 

Sometimes I do think about whether I should kill myself or not.

I know that the smart and rational thing for me would be to kill myself. It would most likely in an instant solve all my suffering and problems. But when you take also others into the equation, then it's not such a easy decision anymore. What I would gain in stopping to suffer, would be lost on my parents suffering more.

About 4 years ago I was very close to killing myself. I had everything ready, the rope, suicide letter, etc, but when I was about to do it, I couldn't do it.

Edited October 22, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Gianna]

11 hours ago, Proserpina said:

Almost every time I let go of people and stopped trying I had a breakthrough. 

Oh man, this is so interesting and good to hear! Maybe I will have a breakthrough soon then  hehe. 

11 hours ago, Proserpina said:

I think also that when you feel safe conditions and circumstances can arise for you to face and clear.  Kinda like how trauma frequently doesn't arise until adulthood when we are established and it's safe to explore those parts of ourselves.  

Oh that's such a great great point! Probably why my trauma is unraveling now. haha! 

[Gianna]

9 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

Sorry for writing short answers, I'm trying to write longer answers but nothing comes to my mind.

Hm, do you think this is freeze? Or why do you think this happens? I'm asking because it's happening to my friend. It's like they want to say something but nothing comes to their mind, at all. It's just blank. 

[Gianna]

3 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

About 4 years ago I was very close to killing myself. I had everything ready, the rope, suicide letter, etc, but when I was about to do it, I couldn't do it.

4 years ago.. Wow, I'm very sorry this has been such a long journey for you. I can't imagine the pain but yet strength you must have undergone to get to today. Sending you cosmic love and good fortune.?

[Blackhawk]

13 minutes ago, Gianna said:

Hm, do you think this is freeze? Or why do you think this happens? I'm asking because it's happening to my friend. It's like they want to say something but nothing comes to their mind, at all. It's just blank. 

I don't know.

8 minutes ago, Gianna said:

4 years ago.. Wow, I'm very sorry this has been such a long journey for you. I can't imagine the pain but yet strength you must have undergone to get to today. Sending you cosmic love and good fortune.?

Thanks.

[lmfao]

@Blackhawk Do you feel heat and fire in your body? My body overheats all the time. If the fire is too intense, I might become more dissociated and unable to function due to stressed/edgy perception. Reactive. Hell, my acid reflux keeps acting up as well lmao. 
Honestly I'm kind of inviting the fire and am glad for it. I want to be able to control it and calm it, BUT, I ultimately am choosing the fire.

Maybe it's about letting the process do it's thing. I've had some contentions with this "letting go" talk before about encouraging passivity when you apply the concept as that and try the technique, but yeah 

 

So idk man. At times like these I feel at peace despite the hardship. Until I start worrying about something lmao 

If you take up a spiritual practice, don't be a dumb nig*** about it and think for yourself. 

The way I see it, it doesn't matter if I'm peaceful or agigated, they are just temporary states and thoughts and something something. So you ever find yourself feeling at peace, don't rest your seeking even then 

Edited October 23, 2021 by lmfao

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

Sometimes I do think about whether I should kill myself or not.

I know that the smart and rational thing for me would be to kill myself. It would most likely in an instant solve all my suffering and problems. But when you take also others into the equation, then it's not such a easy decision anymore. What I would gain in stopping to suffer, would be lost on my parents suffering more.

About 4 years ago I was very close to killing myself. I had everything ready, the rope, suicide letter, etc, but when I was about to do it, I couldn't do it.

I was at exactly the same place you were, at virtually the same time - four years ago I felt like I was in a very dark place, and there just seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I was even googling the best ways to go about it (drug overdose apparently isn't the way to go), felt like I had no other option. Just couldn't quite bring myself to do it though, boy was I close though...

I've had phases of feeling suicidal, I remember there were times in my mid-twenties where I'd wake up in the morning and I'd just think, 'Why even go on?' I felt so lost and alone, I couldn't see any reason to go on. It's not like I was really hysterical or anything, I'd plan it all out quite rationally in my head - the best way to go about it, how to make it look like an accident so it'd be easier on my family (so they didn't have to live with the stigma of suicide).

Edited October 23, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

13 hours ago, Gianna said:

 And giving up kind of equates to acceptance in a way (not totally, but kind of. Like a, "whatever I'll just sit with this then" kind of thing) and so things can begin to change, somewhat! 

It kind of is a giving up - a surrender, as they often talk about in spiritual circles. That's how it was for me back in 2012 when I had my initial awakening, I woke up early one morning in abject turmoil, suffering terribly - and then something snapped inside me, I knew I couldn't resist the suffering any more. Next thing I knew I was looking out of the window (to this day I don't remember actually getting up, it's weird), feeling like I'd just woken up from a very bad dream.

Edited October 23, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Gianna]

14 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

It kind of is a giving up - a surrender, as they often talk about in spiritual circles. That's how it was for me back in 2012 when I had my initial awakening, I woke up early one morning in abject turmoil, suffering terribly - and then something snapped inside me, I knew I couldn't resist the suffering any more. Next thing I knew I was looking out of the window (to this day I don't remember actually getting up, it's weird), feeling like I'd just woken up from a very bad dream.

Woah, how interesting! Yeah, it's kind of weird how something shifts and you don't know what or how. And because you don't know what or how it seems like it was not your doing– kind of a peculiar feeling. Do you think this was an emotional transmutation? Following a release of resistance? 

[RickyFitts]

16 minutes ago, Gianna said:

Woah, how interesting! Yeah, it's kind of weird how something shifts and you don't know what or how. And because you don't know what or how it seems like it was not your doing– kind of a peculiar feeling. Do you think this was an emotional transmutation? Following a release of resistance? 

So true! And then you might try to reverse-engineer it (as I've tried to ) to make it happen again, but it's bloody easier said than done!

As for whether it was an emotional transmutation, that's a good question - I would say so, yes. Deep suffering turned into bliss in an instant, amazing really. It's not a path I'd recommend to anyone, though, but learning how to surrender consciously is a lot of effort (or at least it has been for me - it's what my spiritual practice has been all about).