Becoming A Neuroscientist - An Experiment With Life

[Pramit]

Life is a void and void is truth

Day 1 : 

Today marks the beginning of my journal. Here, i will record the activities i do in the path to becoming a neuroscientist. I will keep descriptions of feelings and other cognitive states that i experience throughout the day to a minimum. Once i used to say to myself "It'll pass". But now it is no longer necessary to say so because i have changed the way i think about emotional states and perceptual stimuli. 

Why are you writing a journal? 

I ask this question because i was initially skeptical of keeping journals. I believe writing in a journal is the same as announcing to the world that you have done something, even though you really have done nothing. But i decided to write one anyway. Before i started the journal, i made sure to have a daily meditation habit(1 hour), and a daily study habit(no matter what i do). This is important because i want to make sure that the journal itself does not disrupt anything. 

Your hopes and aspirations - what do you want to do?

This question is essential. Motivation, or strong motivation, requires a "purpose". People must believe that they are doing something grand. Unfortunately, i have lost my original motivation - to understand myself. So right now, i don't have any purpose except to simply enjoy the process of learning and discovery.

 

Things i did today : 

1) Completed a online course on visual phenomenology. I was particularly encouraged by the responses i got for my assignment on the ponzo effect 

2) Visited khan academy to learn some basic mathematics (differentiation). Progress is slow because i want to make sure i understand everything perfectly. A lot of high school mathematics i have forgotten, and i want to make sure to remember them.

3) Meditation(1 hour) and a body scan(40 minutes).

Distractions i indulged in : 

1) Youtube - at least 2 hours. 

2) Actualized.org - at least 30 minutes.

Final thoughts : I feel very tired now. 

To do for tomorrow : Revise basic neuroscience, scientific investigations into sensorimotor cortex(EPFL), human perceptual systems. Finish the "statement of interest" write up for the cognitive neuroscience program.

Random trivia : This is my second public journal in actualized.org. The first one was this. I discarded it because i lost motivation. Then i regained motivation and discovered something fundamental that changed the way i look at life. And now that journal is of no use to me, so i discarded it. 

 

Edited December 18, 2016 by Pramit

[Pramit]

Day 2: 

Today was not very productive. If i had to match this up to my patterns, this would be a period of regression. When i am feeling some sort of pent up urges to do stuff. One solution, pramit suggests, is to meditate on the intricate complexity of reality(and its subsequent beauty), and let your thoughts consume themselves in this understanding of reality. There was no internet the entire day, and i felt depression. Internet addiction is a losing fight for me. Perhaps one day i will no longer be attached to this.

Why do we feel anxious? 

Of course, i am not going to describe anxiety in the mechanistic sense. You can find those pathways in a book(try the free online neuroscience book). I like Alan Watts description of anxiety. Anxiety is a feedback mechanism gone wrong. Every stimuli you will perceive leaves a feedback on the brain, which then selectively amplifies it. Its like shouting in a cave, the echo continues long after you have spoken and is a misrepresentation. Of course we  will go into a different rabbit hole when we speak of representing reality, lets leave that as a subject for another day.

But why do we REALLY feel anxious? 

Oh Pramit! When will you learn to give up? The answer is:  Because..death.

 

Things i did today: 

1) Studied biochemistry - bacterial energetics(nitrate metabolism), citric acid cycle.

2) Studied a bit of neuroscience. Got into a heated debate(with myself) in the middle of studying on the nature of reality, wasted a lot of time(but it was fun?).

3) 1 hour meditation, 39 minute body scan. As per usual.

Distractions i indulged in:

1) Grisaia no kajitsu - At least 2 hours. 

2) Masturbation. 10-20 minutes. Slept afterwards..(the small font size is indicative of feeling embarrassed for the sake of feeling embarrassed) 

Final thoughts: Need to stop writing this journal and study.

To do for tomorrow : Continue studying basic neuroscience, meditate when i feel very bored or distracted(excitement can be found in reality). I need to read up on Dr.Groh's map-meter conversion, i feel like its particularly interesting and i might be able to understand it now.

Random trivia : Did you know that RBC's have a lifespan that roughly corresponds to the average lifespan of glucose 6 phosphate dehydrogenase? Its very interesting that the lifetime of a cell corresponds to the average lifetime of a enzyme! This shows just how important getting rid of free radical is, especially in RBC's where those free radicals can oxidize the iron(Fe2+ to Fe3+) in haemoglobin. And here's the thing.. mature RBC's don't have a nucleus. So they can't make new enzymes. 

[Pramit]

Day 3:

Today was super productive. Just kidding. I never have super productive days

Here is an alan watts quote for you :

In the real world, things don't exist. Instead, we describe things in reality in our mind. The difference between myself and the universe is only an idea. Meditation is the way we come to feel the inseparability. This requires an ability to stop compulsively thinking. We must forgo our love for symbols and words by learning how to stop thinking all the damn time.

 

Things i did today : 1) Study calculus through khan academy.

2) Meditation 1 hour, body scan 40 minutes. As per usual.

 

Distractions : 1) Read Grisaia no kajitsu..3 hours at least

2) Spent at least 1 hour on youtube. Watching chomsky, numberphile, derek, objectivity(they had their 100th video today)

3) Browsing online forums, replying to learner posts on coursera. At least 1 hour.

 

Final thoughts : I need to wrap things up quickly..its late. 

 

To-do : See yesterday's todo. Add to that a silly problem i encountered with differentiation(calculus). 

Random Trivia : Human biases - 

[Pramit]

Day 4 :

Meditation can be performed when you are studying. Becoming deeply engrossed in the subject, being aware of it, and coming back to your senses when your mind wanders - that is a form of meditation. 

Today i banned email(using an app called stayfocused) and forums for myself. My plan is to rid myself of my constant need for stimulation - the wrong kind of stimulation. I get a dopamine high every time i check emails, skype, slack messenger, forums, youtube videos, or just click on different tabs. It's like i have developed a physical compulsion. Now this is slightly relevant today since i studied the somatosensory feedback loop in mice from the whisker projections, including dopaminergic projections (vid 5.4). 

Why do we fall? 

This question has no particular significance. I just like to repeat it when i am pooping. We fall so that we can get back up. It is important to realize, that if one never fell, one never gets back up. And only by falling can you get back up. And getting back up implies that you must fall. Life is a game of hide and seek. Its simply how the game works. You can't spend all your time hiding, nor can you spend all your time seeking. What do you seek? What do you hide? These questions will reveal a meaningless truth. In conclusion, if you ever fall, know that its inevitable that you will get back up. So do not hold your breath. 

 

Things i did today : 1) Studied basic cellular neuroscience. To be continued!

2) Meditation(1 hour) and body scan(40 minutes).

 

Distractions : 1) Grisaia no kajitsu - at least 2 hours

2) Masturbation(with porn) at least 20 minutes.

3) Youtube video - at least 1 hour. 

4) A lot of time spent doing nothing. Overstimulation, depression, are major factors that contribute to this. Lifestyle minimalism could be helpful in this regard. 

 

Final thoughts : I hope i don't masturbate tomorrow. Worried that i might undo the progress i made these past few days, not just in regard to my addictions. One of these days i would get over my internet addiction and go outside the distraction economy. 

 

Random Trivia - You can shine red light onto a mouse brain, and then stimulate one of its whiskers. The stimulated whisker causes neurons to fire, which changes optical properties in that part of the brain. This can be seen when you shine the red light(to the depth of hundreds microns or so). Then you can simply use a red dye on that location to further continue the study by staining the location. Very simple technique. 

[Pramit]

Day 5 : 

The most important principle i adhere to when writing this journal is absolute honesty. I am already playing a game called "living", and i don't want to convert this journal into another game. Let this journal be a reflection of who i really am, not who i would like to be. Of course, in perceiving myself i have already changed the details, but that is unavoidable. 

Today i am going to institute a new habit. For every 1 hour 30 minutes i spend, i will spend 30 minutes meditation. I will use a stopwatch which will remind me every 1.5 hours to meditate. Meditation period is 30 minutes only. This will continue for 10 days. At the end of 10 days, i will ask myself the following questions: 

Quote

 

1) Were you able to keep to the plan? 

2) If not, how many days were you able to keep at it? Why did it fail? What modifications do you suggest?

3) If yes, do you experience anything different in your ability to be productive? What about the state of your emotion throughout the day, has it been affected? 

 

Who would you like to be? 

This question was inspired by the visual novel grisaia no kajitsu. One of the characters, Michiru, is asked this question. Now, before i reveal what she said, i must confess that she pretends to be a idiot throughout the novel, and indeed she is very dim witted. For this reason, she is made fun of throughout the story by the other characters. She is the comedic relief. She knows this and still continues to act that way, preferring to be laughed at so that others don't reject her. Her reply to this question, is however, 100% honest - " I am me. I would rather be myself ". The other characters laugh at this simplistic answer. 

 

Things i did today - 1) Cellular mechanism of brain function - techniques to investigate the mouse brain including optogenetics

2) Meditation, body scan - as per usual.

 

Distractions - 1) I felt very horny after meditation, so i masturbated. sowwy~

2) Grisaia no kajitsu - at least 1.5 hours.

 

Final thoughts : Feeling overly tense and excited. Having fantasies of graduate school. Then noticing that and coming back. Engaging in mock debates with myself, mock interviews. 

Random trivia : When i was a young kid, i dreamed of becoming the demon of laplace. Even if for a instant, i wanted to "know" the configuration of everything in the universe. 

[Pramit]

Day 6, day 7 : 

Very bad days. I masturbated twice, or perhaps thrice, during the span of these two days. That's not good when i am trying to cut masturbation and porn. I also spent a lot of time on distractions. My progress was moderate. 

I meditated once every 2 hours, instead of once every 1.5 hours. I also have a new plan : I will note down my attention span as i read a scientific paper(i will use a timer, and note down the time when i get distracted). This is imperfect, but its what i have.

There is no way to escape from playing this game. It is only when you find out that you are thoroughly selfish, you enquire about the self. You find out that you are the "other". Self and other are like voluntary and involuntary, they go together. - Alan Watts

 

Things i did today and yesterday - 1) Meditation once every 2 hours, body scan(40 minutes)

2) Study cellular neuroscience

Distractions - 1) Grisaia no kajitsu - unknown amount of time, but very significant

2) Masturbation(twice or thrice) - watching porn

3) Socializing with friends online, visiting online chatrooms, answering youtube comments

4) Watching youtube videos - at least 4 hours (2 hours each day)

 

Final thoughts : I will wake up tomorrow and study. I don't have the concept of obstruction anymore for this moment.

Random trivia : A new dinosaur was discovered that lost its baby teeth and developed a beak. This sheds light on how dinosaurs evolved into birds. http://www.cell.com/current-biology/fulltext/S0960-9822(16)31269-6

 

Edited December 24, 2016 by Pramit

[Pramit]

Day 7, day 8 : 

Moderate progress. Stuck to my promise of meditation once every 2 hours. Will report progress after 3 more days. 

I want to share a thought i had during one particular day : 

Every time you read an old article written by you, you evoke some emotional state. I propose that words are ways of encoding that emotional state. Since your cognitive state fluctuates throughout the day, sometimes a new thing that you thought of isn't really new and has been recorded here a long time ago. However, there is the possibility of misinterpretation since you may lose the original keys to decode the words. So reading something here in this journal can make you forget what you are right now, what you have thought of yourself till this moment. Because all states are equivalent. Every cognitive state is permitted, they are simply connections. After a certain point, when connection strength has changed sufficiently, you find that you cannot go back. But before that happen, you keep fluctuating between different thoughts and states since neuronal signalling is quantal in nature(i.e unpredictable, so they rely on the strength of the connections through axonal boutons). One example is during a nightmare, when you regress to the emotional state of a child, fearful and afraid to do things.

 

Things i did : 1) Finish cellular neuroscience. Started khan academy precalculus on series.

2) Meditation, body scan. Tried some mindful walking today.

3) Practiced my violin 

Distractions : 1) Youtube -  4 hours at least, 2 hours every day

2) Grisaia no kajitsu - at least 4-5 hours. I have finished the route i intended to finish, so i don't need to read further for the time being.

Final thoughts : I want to finish studying series from precalculus before i go to sleep. Shouldn't take too long. 

Random Trivia : Polyols mixed in cakes can have laxative effect. I know this from experience. Some people feel the need to poop after drinking certain hot beverages like tea or coffee. 

[Pramit]

Sorry for the late post, and i have to reset the day count. The experiment was a failure because i did not follow through on my commitment. I failed to account for my ability to get distracted. I spent these 4-5 days playing a JRPG (rance 6). The days went by really fast, and i enjoyed myself. But now it has passed and its time to let go. 

The written word is far more powerful than simply a reminder: it re-creates the past in the present, and gives us, not the familiar remembered thing, but the glittering intensity of the summoned-up hallucination - Northrop Frye

 

Please elaborate on why you failed, and what happened exactly.

I failed in the context of my daily goal of being productive in my studies. However, i still find the experience invaluable. Before i do so, i must admit that, there are somethings that this written medium cannot express, namely, the insanity of daily life. I cannot recreate my emotions, thoughts and logic, exactly as i had them during this time period. Thus my apologies for not giving a better description, all i can do is put things inside the familiar container. It started as an obsession to spend every waking moment on playing the new JRPG that was recently translated. It is called addiction. I even stopped meditating like usual. As i write this, i feel somewhat embarrassed that i got caught up so deeply over this, but i also feel very grateful. For rance 6, despite its pitfalls and addictive psychology(its a dungeon crawler), has taught me a valuable lesson about spending time, about life in general. This is because the game, in itself, is not a serious thing. The plot consists of a man who is a glorified rapist, who saves only girls. He is not a character to be taken seriously. And yet, he is the central character, the hero who defeats the most powerful beings. The other characters, are very serious. They have serious stories, powerful trauma's, and all sorts of rigid rules that we feel connected to. There is the king who wants to create an equal society, the girl who wants revenge on the person who killed her father(and her sister who wants to kill her too for complicated reasons), reality against ideals, problems of caste and creed, etc. The protagonist(rance) is a mad dog in this respect. This is the first thing. The second thing is that the game eventually becomes rather absurd. The dungeons start getting bigger, the enemies become absurdly difficult to beat. This is of course meant to challenge the player, but for me its a sign that i need to stop focusing on completion of the game , but instead enjoy the journey. Dungeon crawlers are all about grinding, and this is no exception. Because grinding is embedded in our primitive psychology, the sense of getting fulfillment based on what you "deserve". It is the carrot and stick approach to life. You get the carrot if you work hard. But what is it that you are working hard at? In the game, the reason for the suffering of humanity is because a giant whale decided it was bored. Even this boredom is created. For what? Self enquiry on these lines lead to the absurdity of life. It leads not only to the inevitability of death, but also to the inevitability of this particular sentence i am trying to construct. As i wrote down this paragraph, i feel like i haven't really understood what i was trying to convey, or perhaps i forgot what it was, but oh well, such is the price for writing things down in a language. 

 

Things i did - 1) Meditation - only 30 minutes a day for a few days on this 6 day period

Distractions - 1) Rance 6 - 40 hours at least

2) Amusing ourselves to death - 30 minutes (an interesting book, i will read this further)

Things to do - 1) Series in calculus from khan academy

2) Finish writing down a statement of interest for a course in neuroscience (within 350 words) 

3) Resume learning and daily activities before getting distracted. 

Final Thoughts : I feel like i am forgetting something. And in admitting so, i feel like it becomes even more difficult to remember it, because now my mind is consumed with the fact that i have forgotten it.

Random Trivia : Today's post is inspired by this video

Vlogbrothers is starting a channel called 100 days where they document healthy exercises and food plans for a period of 100 days. Check it out.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Pramit

[Pramit]

Day 1, 2 , 3 (or day 11,12,13): 

Somewhat productive days. Did a bunch of stuff(..probably..). Also had a great time, or was greatly entertained, by a visual novel called steins gate 0. MITx 7.28.3x RNA processing and translation starts tomorrow, i can't wait!

I also finished reading Neil Postman's "Amusing ourselves to death". I have collected some quotes from the book that i think were most interesting for me, or provided the gist of the content(which i have attached in this post, for anyone who is out there). If you haven't read it, i greatly suggest it, since it will put you on the path of thinking about how the medium(in this case, television) fundamentally changes the discourse(political, cultural, religious, even education). This book was written in 1980's, i think the problem is much more serious now with the election of trump. I have a few more books to read on this subject, huxley's brave new world, the shallows - a book on internet distractions, thinking fast and slow. 

Regarding meditation..hm..i was able to maintain my usual schedule of 1 hour - 1.5 hours of meditation daily, but i could not exceed that, whether due to simply forgetting or being too distracted. 

I'll put this quote here, from my violin book(honeyman) which made me quite a bit sentimental : 
Happy happy golden youth! when one hour's study is worth hundreds in after life. Dead young student! that time is yours now! It comes but once. Make the most of it, and you will bless your unknown adviser long after the poor and brain which now shape these thoughts are at rest.

 

Things i did - 

1) Meditation - 1 hour a day 

2) Practice series in mathematics(khan academy) 

3) Watched a video on extracellular membrane from ibiology

4) Started fluids in physics(from khan academy)

 

Distractions - 

1) Amusing ourselves to death by Neil Postman (not exactly a distraction but..)

2) Steins gate0 - at least 4 hours (sorry! it was too good. Its been so long since i've read a good visual novel) 

3) Youtube videos.. at least 2 hours (mostly educational)

 

Things i want to do : 

1) Start suzuki book for violin and see how far i get

2) Write the essay for introduction to philosophy course in coursera

3) Continue learning physics and maths. Integrate some chemistry!

4) Finish writing the statement of interest and submit my application for the masters program in cognitive neuroscience - VERY IMPORTANT

5) Restart experiment on meditation, this time i must not fail

I can go on with this list, but i will stop here.

Random trivia : The stronger the bond between atoms and molecules, the more energy released in the formation of that strong bond. That is why oxidation of "food" gives us energy. Food contains weak bonds, which are easier to break down and convert into stronger bonds/more stable products(which releases energy). All organisms do this in order to produce energy to do things, they are basically factories in that sense. 

 

record from book amusing ourselves to death.txt

Edited January 9, 2017 by Pramit

[Pramit]

Day 4 and day 5 :

What kind of life would you like - A life full of distractions and comfort but no freedom(you wouldn't even know what freedom means), or a life of freedom but also a degree of discomfort, pain, and madness/psychological dysfunction(you might even commit suicide from the emotional trauma)? Huxley's society was the former. There is of course no need for spirituality. People only seek spirituality when they want to end their suffering or find a way to cope (or find meaning, which is basically the same). If you can simply consume drugs to take a journey to the moon, you don't need to take notice of the present. 

Things i did - 1) Started "Introduction to mathematical thinking"

2) Started reading molecular biology, started MITx 7.28.3x

3) Meditation (1 hour) per day

Distractions - 1) Spent time with friend - 6 hours 

2) Finished reading "Brave new world" by huxley. Great book, especially the last few pages.

3) Listening to Noam Chomsky on life, linguistics, psychic continuity, politics(is the tall man happy)

Things i want to do - Online courses, revise notes, finish application statement

Random trivia - The glucose transported in neurons (GLUT3) transports glucose 3 times faster than other glucose transporters. In tumours, glucose transporters suffer from something called "Warburg effect" where there is a overexpression of these transporters because there isn't enough oxygen available for the cell to produce enough ATP (it only produces 2 ATP in the absence of oxygen). 

Edited January 12, 2017 by Pramit

[Pramit]

Day 6,7,8,9,10: 

5 days have passed since my last journal entry. Time sure passes quickly. 

Things i did - 1) Finish first week of MITx

2) Study japanese 

3) Kept up my meditation habit, but i did not managed to extend it like i was hoping to

Distractions - 1) Visual novels - Grisaia and steins gate0 - i completed steins gate0 and that was a total of 24 hours. Grisaia, i spent close to 3-4 hours.

Starting tomorrow, i will maintain a better list of activity. When i start to do anything, i will record it. After its done, i will note down if i was successful in completing it or not. The purpose of this journal is self motivation, and a record for my activities. 

I still haven't finished writing a statement of interest for my msc application.

.

[Pramit]

It has been a full one week. Currently, i am giving exams on math,physics, chemistry as a revision for potential academic tests. I am currently waiting for the results of my applications. I would like to give the TOEFL test and GRE sometime and go outside my country to study for my masters or phd. 

Things i did:

1) COMPLETED WRITING STATEMENT OF INTEREST and sent my application.

2) Finished second week of MITx, onto the 3rd week!

3) Kept up meditation habit, studied math,physics,chem to prepare for the exams 

Distractions: 

1) Grisaia no meikyuu - possibly 60-70% of my free time is used reading this vn

2) youtube.com - 1-2 hours per day

Things i want to do : Continue learning 

Random trivia : Read the paper i have attached. Its very interesting. 

ramachandran1996.pdf

Edited January 24, 2017 by Pramit

[Pramit]

Day 19 : 

Currently i am anxiously waiting for the results of my exams. I am also in the middle of MITx Translation. I finished reading Grisaia no meikyuu, and i really enjoyed it. I am waiting for the 3rd part of the vn series, which will come out much later. I will try not to go outside anymore, since going outside ruins my health in the short term. Maybe its the air pollution here, but i get a headache and muscle pain when i get back. 

Things i did : 

1) Continue MITx translation, will finish 3rd week by tuesday

2) Continue meditation habit - but i am not enforcing it as strictly as i can

3) Went outside the house to the botanical garden to look at plants and trees. 

Distractions : 

1) grisaia no meikyuu - remaining short stories

2) Crash course chemistry. Hank is such a cool dude. 

Things to do : Continue studying. Read "Letters to a young scientist" 

What i am worried about : I wanted to study my masters from outside india. Going outside my country is something i need to experience at this age, besides all the good research is outside. I need to give the GRE and TOEFL, but there's not enough time. I do regret moping in depression a few months ago. At this point, the overarching fear is a lack of information. There is so much to learn, but there isn't enough time to learn everything. I am happy with the current state of things, content with how i am right now. But every now and then i can't help but be worried about how i am proceeding with my plan...the state of preparation is insufficient. I do not have any desire to visit my family , but i feel guilty if i do not. The current societal structure being what it is, i find myself trapped in the self imposed context of our culture. I know it is a product of imagination, but i also know a great deal more about myself than i did previously. All metaphysical knowledge acts against 'me'. Anyway, that is a riddle i must solve tomorrow. 

Random Trivia : The scientist who invented the field of chemistry, got his head chopped off during the french revolution, during the period of mass chaos. Scientists in the older days lived in pretty dramatic circumstances. 

[Pramit]

Day 23: 

I failed my university entrance exam. This means that it is now considerably more difficult to get the kind of work i want to do in my masters, because i have a limited range of universities to choose from. This is a temporary setback that i will overcome in time. 

Things i did : 

1) Completed MITx third week, now on the fourth. 

2) Continue meditation habit

3) Went to my cousins house to continue relationship with their family

Distractions : 1) Spent 2 days at my cousin's house. Tried to do some japanese and MITx homework here, but ultimately not very productive. 

2) Oversleeping, pondering things for too long, hesitating to work..

3) Watching youtube videos of stuff i like. As a result, i have blocked youtube during certain parts of the day (i have done this sort of thing before). 

Upcoming : I have to fix an appointment with a scientist in the field. I contacted this professor through email , and i asked her to give me some advice, so i was invited to talk with her instead. I need to find a good day and prepare some questions to ask. I know what i want, and i know one way to get there. So what do i need from her? I can ask for work, but its very unlikely that they have the resources to allow someone like me to work there. It would be better if i could volunteer..but i am not sure what response i would get to this as in india you typically can't volunteer for this sort of thing. 

Edited February 1, 2017 by Pramit
deleted whitespace

[Pramit]

Day 32:

I got sick for 3 days. On the second day, i took a different attitude towards my sickness. I felt gratitude about my environment. And that helped make the sickness much more bearable. I also had a day of full depression. Up's and down's. I still have a running nose, but my ability to work is unhindered. Emotionally, i feel very drained. I slept for a good 12-14 hours today. I want to restrict my internet use to 2 hours a day. 

I must admit that i find it difficult to write this journal right now. There's not much new information. The birds still sing, the sun still comes up. There is "information" information, but everything has been revisited before, falling into a recognizable pattern. 

Things i did - 

1) Continue meditation practice for 1 - 2 hours a day 

2) Continue with mitx - now on week 5 

Distraction - 

1) Fever - 3 days

2) Finished "The house of fata morgana"  - 10/10 great vn, and music. Teaches you the value of perspective and why you shouldn't commit fundamental attribution error. 

3) watching youtube videos on my subscription list(all educational content), sometimes watching late night show or simpsons 

4) Breaking bad season 3.

Upcoming - see above post. I want to take "music as biology" course too. 

[Pramit]

Day 33:

I met a person with whom i talked about neuroscience. It is rare that i get to meet someone who shares some of the same thoughts and ideas that i do about the world. We shared resources. 

I still feel very lethargic in the morning. I wonder if this is because of a disrupted circadian rhythm or because of something worse (like problems in blood circulations). My sleep cycle yesterday lasted 5 hours at night, after which i woke up for a few hours (couldn't get to sleep no matter what). Then i went to sleep again, for 3 hours. After waking up, at around 11 AM, i struggled to stay awake. Then i fell asleep at 12 AM(or was it 1PM?). I slept for around 1 hour. It was mostly REM sleep, i remember the dream i had. It was very short sleep, but i did not feel sleepiness afterwards. Right now i don't feel sleep at all. Now i do have abnormal sleep cycle sometimes (ok, most of the time), so this isn't abnormal by any standards..but this has been happening for a while now and i would like it to stop. I think my study environment is really bad, i basically study on my bed most of the time. I have no choice because sitting on the chair is uncomfortable, and there are mosquitoes that make life hell for me (i can't stand mosquito repellants). I do occasionally use my chair. My body might adjust once i am forced to have a morning routine again. 

I am reading a book on internet distractions. Well, the author describes the internet as something akin to a crossword puzzle, you have to make short term decisions relatively quickly. This has the effect of increasing your cognitive load, decreasing retention and making it harder to focus on the task at hand. But far more interesting is the fact that our brains are wired to be effectively exploited by the internet. Now i have a better understanding of the cues that i need to respond to if i have to decrease the detrimental effects of being on the internet. Less clickity click, more focus on the task at hand, decrease overall time spent on the internet if possible.

 

Things i did - 1) Continue with MITx, now week 5 

2) Meditation

Distractions - 1) Reading "The shallows" - a book on internet distractions 

2) I spent about 3 hours on youtube, watching a mix of entertainment and educational videos. For eg, I learnt a neat trick with binder clips and space suits can induce claustrophobia. Most interesting was this video by alan watts

[Pramit]

Day 39:

I finished reading the book on internet distractions. It was a good read and i agree with the general idea from the author. I do not like the fact that he rant's a bit too much, i would rather have more substance instead. I will look at the links in the reference section and see if i can know more about the subject. 

Things i did : 1) Continuation of MITx

2) Meditation 1 hour(or more) a day

3) Started Music as biology - a course on phenomenology of music

4) Practiced japanese

Distractions : 1) Youtube is still the primary distraction. For a long time i cant seem to get rid of my habit in seeing youtube videos. Little by little i am getting better at controlling which actions i respond to, and whether i can succeed in responding to those. 

2) The shallows - a book on internet distractions : This has given me a bit more insight into my current problem of addiction to the internet. The simplest solution is to simply get rid of the internet, but i can't do that yet. I can get rid of superficial reasoning , like "i have to do it", "i need to be connected to these people", etc. I made a list of all the reference i could be interested in further exploring, so i hope i use my spare time to do that.

The best way to teach a subject, from what i observed, is to make the student try to come up with the answers that people struggled with. And when they are stumped, give them the answer. It is rewarding to have a solution that you understand, to a problem that you have invested yourself into. I was watching one professor do this in a lecture on how upstream ORF's are regulated in GCN4. First you tell the problem, then you give the data from the experiments and only at the very end do you give away the solution. 

I have also been looking into how our brain is able to read, and i need to look up the pathway and theory on that. Also, what makes certain activities "fun", i really want to get into that question. 

Edited February 17, 2017 by Pramit

[Pramit]

Day 40:

I am the creator and the created, the maker and the made, the tool and the wielder, the thinker and the thought. I am an idea in this language, a sensation in another language, a reality in yet another language. I am the letters that you read right now. You will never understand me, but you will always read me. If you think the question is "who am i?" you are sorely mistaken, for the answer has already been spoken the moment you asked. I am "who am i".  Still confused? Well, that's okay, your destiny is to find yourself over and over again. My destiny is to die. 

Things i did: 1) Spent the day sending one application after another to summer visiting programs for student research. I felt tired and mentally exhausted. 

2) Saw a video on clathrin mediated endocytosis and ultrafast endocytosis. 

Edited February 18, 2017 by Pramit

[Pramit]

Day 46: 

I went to see a japanese cinema, i finished applying for all the summer projects i could, and i talked to someone who i didn't talk to in a long time. 

I have sent many emails over these last couple of days. None of them produced a conclusive result. Although i am grateful to get replies from people who i thought wouldn't even bother to reply. I just can't get over the feeling of having some kind of expectation..i keep checking my emails like a idiot, knowing its not the right thing to do. It's gotten so bad that i had to block gmail(again). The worst part is the feeling of anxiety. I will continue to observe these things, as they are part of me.

Things i did : 1) Went a long distance to see one japanese cinema and walk a lot with a friend

2) MITx 7.28.3x continued!

3) Music as biology - still at week 1

4) Send many emails, not expecting a reply to any of them. 

Distractions : 1) Youtube - I find myself binge watching youtube as a means to cope with the emotional stress from having too much expectation. Have blocked it to compensate, but i still end up watching way too much on certain days. 

I reaffirm my desire to change my brain in a way that influences the activities and efficacy i have in my day to day life. If my destiny is to be the dog chasing the car, then i will let it be. Because "I" am already everything. 

 

[Pramit]

Day 65:

Ah, it has been 19 days since i last posted in this journal. The problem was that i forgot to post here, then i procrastinated. At first i thought i had posted previously, only to realize later on that almost a week had passed. Then i just..forgot, or procrastinated. So what is going on here? Well, the way i think about it is this : My behaviour is correlated to my neural and cognitive activities(in cognitive psychology terms, all learning is preceded by formation of "chunks", which might be microcircuits in the brain. For now let's assume my complex behaviour arises due to associations between these chunks).  To choose something over another, means that one chunk is dominating over the other chunk. When i meditate, these chunks are prioritized, in the same way as fear and anxiety are prioritized in terrible circumstances. Think of yourself as a puppet with strings. If the puppet is pulled to the left, the puppet studies diligently. If pulled to the left, the puppet becomes distracted and does some other activity. Who is the puppeteer? The environment. So if you ever feel like you cannot escape the clutches of your persistent behavioral patterns, or if you feel trapped, perhaps this information will change something. Remember there is no "you", so who does this information influence? This question is irrelevant. There is no trap to begin with, just as there is no "you" to begin with. So it is not possible for "you" to be engaged with a persistent addiction or depression or what have you. You might think this is quite the leap of logic, but remember what i just wrote : You need the appropriate chunks to process this information. So really, there is no way you can understand this unless you already do. 

 

Things that happened : 

1) Finished MITx 7.28.3x. I am satisfied with my final grade(80%).

2) On week 2 of music as biology. 

3) Spent 3 days playing Civ 6 after downloading the new patch. (I used the excuse "Let me play just one game and see what the new patch does")

4) Spent 2-3 more days playing other games - like..well, i won't mention the name since they are just addictive as hell. 

 

Interview at IITGN in 4 days..

 

Random trivia  : Squirting cucumber..look it up. 

Edited March 14, 2017 by Pramit